Sunday, December 25

Hello from Cape Town, South Africa!!

I may not always have a computer to email from, and as of yet we have had no phone to use, but I wanted to let you all know how things were going here for our team in Cape Town.

I made it to South Africa safely. Our team had an amazing flight. British Airways totally rocks!! They had the best flight attendants I have ever had. I watched a lot of movies and slept a lot on our total of 20 hours on the way here.

We stopped at Heathrow airport in London for about six hours, so we did not go into the city. We hope to have a long delay on the way home so that we can get a chance to actually go into London, as most of us have never been there.

We arrived at our first location tired, but ready to tackle jet lag head on. Our contact's family had our whole team over to their house for South African pizza and Mango juice. (The food here is healthy and amazing!)

Our second day was spent in an orphanage doing skits, dances and puppets. I love kids!! These kids loved us so much. We were able to spend a lot of time with them afterward playing soccer and getting our hair done. Those girls know how to braid, that's for sure. Erin has long hair and they had it in braids in like 45 minutes.

One girl latched onto me and actually walked, holding my hand back to our van. I sat by the window and she held my hand until we drove away. She just stood outside the van, smiling at me and gripping my hand. She stole my heart away.

On Christmas Eve, we went to a children's hospital to hand out presents. It was so exciting to hold kids who do not get a whole lot of physical touch. One little boy grabbed onto my hand and didn't want to let go until I picked him up. I held him for a long time, stroking his hair and praying for him. He fell asleep in my arms.

The hospital we went to was a state hospital where one room may have 8 or 10 cribs in it. I was so overwhelmed by this as it is something I have only seen before in movies. I can't believe people actually live like that. It was so shocking. I could tell that those kids don't get held enough to suit their needs, although I am sure the sisters (nurses) do the best they can to love on and take care of the children.

I was able to spend time talking to a woman whose baby was in the ward we visited about America and the process I had just went through to be able to visit here and work with poor in her country. When I told her the story of how God provided a way for me to get here, she asked me if God could provide a way for her to get to America. I was so excited to tell her yes, that God is a big God and he can do anything. I gave her my address so she could write to me.

Today, we went into the first township in the history of Cape Town. Townships during apartheid legally separated the blacks from the whites. It only ended a few years ago, while in America our separation of race ended about 40 years ago. Townships are like a whole other country in my opinion. It was different than anything I have ever seen. And way different than the white home we visited the day we arrived.

I have never seen such extreme poverty and sub-standard living conditions. You cannot even imagine what I saw today. My heart breaks for these people, but at the same time I learned a lot from them. Their sense of community is such an example to me. They take care of each other like nothing I have ever seen in any "white world." Older siblings care for the younger like a privilege and women love and hug on each other, sharing food and cloth to make goods. Township folk find amazing ways to make ends meet.

I experienced a love and acceptance like I have never received from strangers.

God is definitely shifting my paradigm, and while at times it is overwhelmingly hard, I welcome the change because I know that I need it.

Some of the things I have seen have only been shown to me via television until now.

Please pray for me in that. What we are going to see as time goes on is going to shake me up a bit, and I need God's guidance to keep me balanced.

Please pray for our team safety and unity as we keep pushing on through our schedule. It's hard to be patient with each other when we are tired. But, amazingly, we have come through unscathed thus far.

My love to all of you! I must go. Thank for reading this and thank you for all of your financial support and prayers. Through you, God has provided a way for me to be used to make a difference.

Blessings in the name of our lord Jesus Christ,

Sunday, December 18

Oh Mylanta!

Seriously, can we just leave already?!?!

I'm ready to go to Safa-Land.

So is Abbie.

Everybody shout out to Abbie!

Abbie says "Hey."

Man, I need sleep.

DTS Pic Links

Marja-Liisa and Me
Becca at Thanksgiving
Mexico Team giving the forks

Thursday, December 15

Are we really?

Seriously... Like are we really doing this?

We all woke up at like 5am to see the Mexico team off. It was crazy. Of course I started crying. This place is so empty, and it really feels... well... real that we are actually going.

I am so ready to go to South Africa. I am ready to hug on some kids and I am ready to do our dramas. I am so excited to go and dance too.

This is going to change my life, and I am ready for it. I cannot believe the time is actually here. It's hard though, because I know that this is going to be a challenge. My self-esteem issues have been coming to the surface. God has been helping ma tackle them left and right, which is cool. It's just hard. But, my hope and prayer is that God will transform me from the inside out on this outreach. I don't want to be in bondage to this self-esteem problem anymore. I am surely not going to let it hold me back.

I am so exhausted today. We did so much work, and I leanred a dance to do...

And Claire is watching me type this (she's staff) and she's English so I'll give her the forks. (o:

I love my DTS crew.

Sunday, December 11

Tonight was love feast

Our last weekend together.

Mexico team leaves this Thursday.


Thursday, December 8

Something is different

I can't explain it. It's just funny. Several people have said that I am glowing or my eyes are smiling (Yes, I'm part Irish!) or that I look different. I feel different. I don't know what it is, but I just feel different.

Last night my roommate and I got into some pretty serious spiritual warfare. We were awakened by a spirit of fear and we took it on. It was so awesome! If you ever want to know what Satan's inheritance is, read Isaiah 14 and 15. Holla. Back.

I love Jesus. He is so rad.

I have had to face a lot of pain from my past that the Lord has brought to the surface the past few weeks. I have felt like an open, festering wound lately. It's been really hard, but luckily God has put me in this environment where healing in conducive to what is going on here. I am totally excited about the outcome though, even though it may take awhile to see results! I just want to commit to seeing it through. I want to be loyal to my commitment to grow.

DTS is a trade up on life for me. Not a break even. Not a trade for the pits. Trade up.

God keeps his promises and that is good.

Friday, December 2

Filet Mignon

So, I am completely stoked to go to South Africa! I cannot wait to get there and be able to hug on some little kids. Our team has had some issues being tired and getting crappy with each other, which I'm told is normal. Please keep us in your prayers.

God really challenged me this week with the whole working in a Muslim country thing. I was thinkking about how hard it will be to not be able to wear what I want and do things the way I always have. I mean, this is a huge thing. Those are a lot of rights to lay down, man. I know this isn't going to be easy either. So, I was looking at a picture of a girl in a Muslim head wrap. I thought to myself how hard it will be to have to wear one of those all of the time when I am in the Middle East. And God led me to wear one. Even out in public. And I don't know for how long either. (I borrowed an actual head covering from a staff member here who spent a year in Afghanistan.)

I realized how much I stare at women who wear these out in public. I need to be more sensitive.

Thursday, December 1

Last stretch proves harder than originally thought

Yeah, it's the home stretch for DTS, peoples. And I have been running out of steam. Getting lazy even. I miss my homies in OH, but I am seriously in love with all of my DTSMates. I love it here and I don't want to leave... But I am ready to go on outreach.

Such an interesting dichotomy of emotions. I am working through it with my small group leader, and I know that it will turn out okay. God loves me, and he is there for me through all of these things. I had to be reminded of that today. It's good to finally have someone around that fills in a lot of the voids that I have felt over the past few years, but have been too chicken to work through or voice before.

Sometimes, I am still flabbergasted that I am even here. God is so freaking cool.

Sunday, November 27

God bless us, every one!

I freaking love Thanksgiving. My Safa friend here said that we should rename Thanksgiving "Fatsgiving". He's so right. We made enough food to have leftovers for like four days for about 20 people!!
I made my aunt's famous broccoli casserole and I got tons of compliments on it. Everyone was saying that it was the best side dish there. I was so excited that it turned out! So cool.
We got up and watched the Macy's parade where the M&M's balloon caused a light to fall on someone. How ridiculous is that? Suck. It allegedly hit some girl in a wheelchair. What a lawsuit, if she sues! I was getting annoyed that CBS has the absolute worst setup I have ever seen to view a parade., so we switched to NBC. Props to NBC for hanging onto their spot. I love the parade. Welcome to American tradition, folks!
On a heavier note, (no pun intended) God is doing huge things in my life. I have been having violent emotional reactions to things lately. I hate being shushed! I hate when people have to do things by being matched with people by size or weight. So hard! I feel like I am the biggest person here. Stuff like that makes me feel dumb. Humiliated. Like a Fat $%&. I hate it! But God is trying to clean all of that stuff out of me. Thank you so much, everyone, for helping me to get to this point.
I have also been cussing more in the past eight weeks than I have in the past four years. What's up with that? Satan is such a jerk!!
In Jesus' name leave me alone, Satan. You will not have control over my mouth! That's where Jesus has lordship!!
You guys! Seriously. Keep me in your prayers.

Sunday, November 20

Nothing and everything

That's basically what's been going on here. Nothing and everything. Like everyone keeps asking me what has been happening at DTS. And I try to tell people, but they just can't really understand unless they've been through it. You know? Nothing personal. Just a lot. So much that I can't really even articulate what has been going on. It's crazy. So much.

I have some hard decisions to make. Seriously. Like: "What am I going to do after DTS?"

What am I going to do after DTS?

I have many choices. Some of which may be rough because I am going to have to look at relationships differently than I have. That's kind of hard, but hey. When God tells you to do something or opens a door, you gotta try it! I gotta try it! God is way more important than anything or anyone else in my life. I just gotta try what he is telling me to do.

I really love Jesus, man. Seriously. Love his little face off.

I am so floored every day by the fact that I am even here at all, that I don't have to worry about money, and that the possibilities for what I can do afterward are endless. I'm not afraid anymore of travelling and going to other countries. It doesn't freak me out anymore. I'm so ready for whatever God has for me.

My mom is finally accepting the fact that I am going to South Africa. She sent me a care package the other day with money in it and she is sending me another package this week. So sweet. So awesome. So wonderful of God to change my mom's heart.

Thanks, Dad. I really appreciate everything you have done for me while I have been here. It's awesome! What you are doing is awesome! I am so excited about South Africa, and I cannot wait to see how things go there. I love you!!

Saturday, November 12

Pics of our outreach teams

Image hosted by

These are the people I am going to South Africa with. Some people have switched teams, but this is the main SA team. You saw right! My hair is black and pink now!

Image hosted by

This is the Mexico team. Yet again, some people have switched or were in both pictures because they weren't sure yet on which outreach they were going.

Welcome to the mountaintop, baby!

So, a lot of stuff has been going on here. God has been working overtime on me trying to get me to face the truth about some stuff and truth about myself. I'm in the mountains. What else am I going to do? My cell phone doesn't work out here. Our internet barely works out here. What else is there to do? Chillax and let God do his thing. (I have learned so much about what being "in Christ" really means. If we all really understood that phrase, the Devil wouldn't have such a stronghold of guilt on our lives. I have copies of the scripture study if anyone wants to read it.)

I have had a rough time being shushed lately. It's funny, though, because I am just trying to tell people that it really hurts me. They shush me, but I never tell them to lighten up. And anyone who knows me knows I'm not loud all of the time. Yes, I have my moments. Doesn't everyone? How did I get labeled "the loud girl"? Hmmm. But seriously, like Satan can get off my case in Jesus' name because I am not going to let him get the best of me. I just need to communicate what I feel when people do that to me. I really love everyone here and they love me. It's just I don't think that they really understand what is going on in my head when those things happen.

I mean, I'm 26 years old, and I've been told to be something else other than I am for most of it. I am not playing like that anymore. I'm sick of it. Everyone was always telling me to be quiet, be the good little business girl, "play the game", "don't rock the boat..."

You know what? God created me to rock the boat! That's who I am. I was created to speak truth when others are afraid to do so. I was created to shake people up by the prophetic pictures that God gives me. I was created to sing loudly and boldly proclaiming the love of God for all. You know what? I'm not playing around anymore! I have had enough of that fakeness in me. I want it stripped out.

And I believe that God has been answering that prayer in the past few weeks. He's really been exposing the truth of who he thinks I am. It's so awesome! I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin now. I am a lot less afraid than I used to be too. It's pretty funny. DTS makes one feel like he is on top of the world! I feel like I could go anywhere and do anything!

Speaking of which, please pray for me because God is putting a pretty desolate place on my heart to go and do mission work in. It's a pretty rough country, actually, and I am really seeking God about what to do in this. When it comes to missions, all the easy places are taken. But I really want to be obedient. I would get to leave everything behind for like two years and go work with kids and women in a muslim country. Pretty sweet! I am waiting for many confirmations about this. And I know that if I am hearing God correctly, then it will come to pass.

I love getting to just chill out and let God do his thing. Being in Christ is awesome!

Sunday, November 6

I am officially pierced!!

I got my nose done last night in Boulder! Yeah, it was a pretty sweet witness to the guys at the piercing shop. I got it done at K&K and they did a fantastic job. It didn't even hurt. I was surprised. Thanks Jesus!

Pictures to come!!

Saturday, November 5

Lots of Fun

The bruise is still there, but it doesn't really hurt anymore. I haven't been up to the prayer chapel since... bad memories. Haha!

This week was so amazing! We had a teacher that was hugely, hugely, hugely in tune with the Holy Spirit. The topic she spoke about was "Identity in Christ," and it was fantastic!! I have never never heard anyone explain things the way she did. And everything she said she backed up with scripture. I really want to photocopy the packet she gave us and send it back home to Ohio, Indiana and some friends in other places as well. I think this is the hugest revelation one could have in his walk with Christ.

I have been having revelations all around.

I was prayed over by my teacher last week about my gift of healing. She didn't even know beforehand that God has spoken to me that I have that gift. When she prophesied over me this week, she said God told her that I have that gift, and he wanted her to anoint my hands with oil. Which she did. My hands felt hot. Think I'm a freak, whatever. My hands felt hot. I'm telling you, ever since then I have felt the need to pray for people on a regular basis for healing.

Today we were at the mall and God spoke to me to pray for a girl in a wheelchair. I had a warm feeling all over my body, a rapid heartbeat, and I was really shaking. I couldn't just stand there and pray for her. God was breathing it into me to go lay my hands on her. I mean, I totally had to lay down my rights to a good reputation. This girl was a teenager, and when I went up and asked her if I could pray for her, her mom said no. I felt bad for the girl, because she was going to say yes. I prayed for her in my head, anyway. No one can stop me from doing that.

God has been telling me to pray for people left and right. It's been pretty sweet. God stinking rocks my face off!!

Sunday, October 30

Pork at 4:45?!?!

Tonight the kitchen crew made dinner by the time on the clock not realizing that we didn't set the clocks back one hour. So we just had dinner at nursing home hours. Holla.

I fell yesterday and really hurt my knee. It's all bruised and swollen. Marja-Liisa, Nathan, Erin and myself hiked up to the prayer chapel and shot a BB Gun at Dixie Cups. Sweet! It was fun. When we were walking back, we walked up to very steep four to five foot drop and ran down it. I was the last one and fell. On. My. Face. And then flipped over onto my back. It hurt. I am all bruised and swollen at the knees.

Plus, Yesterday we did Pilates and my frickin' abs hurt!! Ugh. I was carrying my laundry basket earlier and I about cried because it hurt so badly to carry it. My arms hurt too, but hey... No pain. No Pain. Yeah, you read correctly.

The mountains rock!!

Friday, October 21

Hello Boulder!

Tomorrow we are going to go to Boulder and get some mad, rad sushi. I cannot wait to hang out in the city again.

Did you know that Boulder, Colorado is the least churched city in the whole world??

And it's kind of creepy.

But, I really love it there. Organic foods, sushi, and Cheesecake Factory. Holla.

On Sunday, I'm off to jail.

I love Jesus. I love YWAM. I love my DTS Mates.

Becca found a place to live and I am so psyched. She is staying in the basement of this really eccentric lady. It should be an interesting experience.

I am really proud of her obedience to God. It is totally paying off for her. Go Becca!

Thursday, October 20

I am going to prison

On Sunday, we are going to Albequerque to stay at a church and do prison ministry. We are going to do dramas, dance and share testimonies. I am so stoked! I have never done anything like this before, and it is going to be amazing!

Please be praying for us as we head out to do this in a long van ride, like 17 people each. Crazy!

My presentation was so cool! My Aussie friends helped me out by acting in it for me. They were a yuppie couple obsessed with materialistic things and the guy rejects the message of Christ, but the girl lets me take the blindfold (scales) off of her eyes and share the cross with her.

I got heaps of encouragement about it and I was totally excited.

I cannot wait to go to Albequerque!!

Monday, October 17

I can see clearly now...

This weekend was crazy! Boulder, Colorado is the coolest place ever! Some friends and I got to go there on Saturday night. It was really cool. The sushi was fantastic! I think I was in heaven. I was in a real city hanging out for a change. It was refreshing.

I have a creative presentation due tomorrow on "Boldness v. Fearfulness," and my Aussie friends are going to act in it. I am so stoked to see what happens, but I am also a little annoyed about it. I am doing it at the last minute and I want it to be good.

Becca came up and stayed all night alst night and it was cool. We had fun. I took her out to lunch and then I went and bought some sweaters I got cheap and a pair of Airwalk shoes that look like real CROCS. CROCS are like foamy, plasticy clogs thatare soooooo huge here. Everyone in CO has a pair. I was so blessed on Friday and I have to say it feels good to finally be able to bless others like I wanted to back earlier this year. Although I wouldn't trade what I went through for anything!

I can see clearly now the rain is gone. It seems to be making a lot more sense as to why I went through what I went through this last year. I needed to listen to what God was saying and obey more than I did for sure. I should have listened, but God's wonderful grace has sustained me and redeemed my life. I finally listened (about coming to do a DTS,) and God has blessed me like it was the first time he told me. I am so excited!!!

Even though today I am really tired.

I love sushi.

Saturday, October 15


In less than two hours yesterday I had almost $6, 000!!!

Check out my audiopost.

Friday, October 14

Tuesday, October 11

It's Crunch Time

Hey guys! God is so awesome! There is some amazing stuff happening. God literally is blowing me away. It's kind of hard to explain it all, like I can't even put into words how I am changing. God is bringing my character to light and helping me to change what needs to be changed into his character. I am being healed. I am being encouraged. I am growing closer to the Lord than I ever have been before. I love him so much!

The director of the school pulled me into his office today with my small group leader. I still only have half of my tuition paid and it is due next Friday, along with half of my outreach. Only one check has come in in the last three weeks. A lot of people said they would support me financially, and maybe everyone is just forgetting to send checks in or call in their pledge on their credit card.

I am not really that upset because I know that I am where I am supposed to be. God is doing amazing things in me. I already feel like a new person, like my life is just beginning, like this is what God has been preparing me for the last couple of years. I know that he will provide for me.

Here is my need:

$1595 for my tuition by Friday, October 20
$600 or $1600 for outreach by Friday, October 20 (It's up to God where I go. Mexico is cheaper, but South Africa is where my heart is.)

The amount for outreach is only half. I will need a total of $1200 for Mexico and $3200 for South Africa.

Those are the amounts I need. Please pray that God will honor his promise to provide for me. I was told today that if I don't have the money in the next week and a half, we will have to discuss leaving; however, I believe that God is going to bless this because I am truly doing it for him and not for me.

Please pray that God would provide the money that I need, if not through you then through someone else!

Email me for any more information you need.

Thank you!!

Saturday, October 8

There's a mouse in my house

So, our room has a mouse in it. And he's a chocoholic. He ate some Swiss chocolates (literally from Switzerland) from the room next to ours, and then he came into our room last night and tried to eat into my Toblerone bar. Luckily, my roommate and I had finished it last night and it was just the box in my purse! Whew! But that means that the little bugger had to climb into my purse to get to it. Gross. Welcome to The Middle of Nowhere. Haha!

I have had a crazy week. A long week. God taught me a lot about leadership this week. It has been amazing to see that happen, too. One day in class the Director's wife, Donna, shushed me. In front of everyone. I was completely humiliated. I cried right there sitting at my desk. Stupid Satan. He's been on my case ever since I got here in one way or another. And this was the icing on the cake. So, I talked to my small group leader about it. (I love leadership structre now.) And she advised me to talk to Donna about it.

Yeah, right.

But God wouldn't let me settle because of fear. How is Donna going to know that she hurt my feelings and that isn't the best way to deal with me if I don't tell her? So, I mustered up the courage, through a lot of prayer during worship the next morning, to talk to her about it.

And it was amazing.

She actually asked my forgiveness about having hurt me. I am trying to remember if any leader has ever done that to me before. Praise God for humility! I think maybe some have, but I really just can't think of any leaders that have immediately asked for forgiveness before. It's crazy. Anyway, I was completely restored in that. God totally spoke to me about being a leader when that happened. It was amazing! I was totally excited.

I have been praying for a dear brother in Christ of mine and I heard yesterday that my prayers have been answered! Restoration between him and another friend may be coming. At least a step happened. So, God rules in that!

Yeah, and the other day I found $50 taped to my door with my name on it. God loves us so much!

I must work on my studies now. Thanks for your prayers!

Monday, October 3

Holiness is what I long for?

So, today our very first speaker came to teach us. He's an Aussie. So cool! Um, but I about had a cow when he began talking about holiness. I guess my Nazzys back home must have been praying for me to be wiser about that. Haha!

I had lunch with him and that was really cool! Five Students get to have a meal with the speaker every day and it is so cool because you get to share a side you're not going to get in class.

I found out today that more of my tuition money has come in, and that is such a blessing! Thank you guys so much for supporting me guys!

I will share more later with you, but I need to let my classmates get to this computer.

Saturday, October 1

Elks is cool

Oh man! We did some pretty cool stuff today. We went to Estes Park, CO and walked around town checking out stores. I tried some amazing salt water taffy. It was so good. I also introduced my new Aussie friends to some American snacks that they haven't tried before. Like salt water taffy. It was funny. We all really liked it.

My friend Sheryl gave me some sunglasses today which was such a blessing because mine broke like the day before we left.

I was really missing my crew from Ohio this morning for some reason, and so I cried like all morning. But then my small group leader came up and talked to me and I felt better. She prayed for me too. It was cool.

I got cell phone service when we went to Estes Park and so I made a few phone calls. It made me feel better. I love hearing from them all.

We went to a golf course when in Estes and we saw elk like really close up. I mean really close up. One female even started running toward me and made me jump. It was funny. It's mating season and she was trying to get away from a bull who was checking her out. I was literally like five yards from a male elk. It was so awesome! Those things are huge!

Tomorrow, I am going to a church right by the Arvada base called Faith Bible Chapel. I am pretty stoked too. I'm ready for some cool worship. We have worship through music like every other day here. It's so rad!

Soon our speakers will start and we can really dig deep into what God wants for our lives and I totally excited about that. I have really bonded with some of my DTS Mates here and I am excited to see those relationships grow deeper through God's refining.

Thanks to all my supporters who have taken the time and made the sacrifice in order to help me be trained up and prepared for full-time service to Jesus. I am so thankful for your obedience to God.

For those of you that got my brochure and didn't feel led to support me, I am so thankful to you for listening to God and choosing to obay him in this. Thank you for your strength.

All right kids, I gotta go bond more.


Friday, September 30

Mountains = breathtaking

We went up into the mountains today for a very beautiful hike. We went to Panoramic Point where you can see the entire stretch of Rocky Mountains. It made me feel small. Doing things like that remind me that I am but a speck on this earth. And yet God cares about me.

Who knew?

We have been having some great times in worship and really trying to break through our own insecurities and walls. I have found myself being complacent today for some reason. I think it is partly because I am tired. Exhausted actually. We did some crazy manual labor yesterday.

Yesterday we were all on a spiritual high and accomplishment high. We went and worked for a state park clearing dead trees. We were sometimes carrying trees that required four or five of us. It was cool! They were maybe 4-18 inches around and anywhere from 6-8 feet long. We had fun and everyone encouraged each other.

I am probably the most out of shape person in the DTS, and yet I don't feel that way. Everyone is really encouraging to me when we go on hikes or walks. They really help me push myself, let not getting frustrated when I have to stop because I am hitting my limit. I can really see how God put us all together. It's amazing.

My small group is cool. Four students and a staff leader. I can see why God put us all together. We all have had recent breakups that were sucky. One girl is in a relationship right now that God is telling her to leave, and it's fantastic how the rest of us have been able to encourage her through this time and pray for her too.

We are going to Estes Park tomorrow to go hiking and hang out in the town. It is a kind of artsy mountain town I have heard with art stores, shops and a great coffee shop.

No coffee for me though. I am fasting caffeine while I am here. Although I did accidentally drink the caffeinated tea the other day rather than decaf. I had to laugh at myself. It's funny when I do things like that.

Anyway, God is teaching me a lot through the people here. We all serve each other and are so encouraging. It's just confirmation that I am where God wants me to be and the finances and spiritual revelation will come.

Blessed be the name of the Lord. Holla!


Tuesday, September 27

Altitude sickness? What's that?

So, this being up in the mountains thing isn't as easy as I thought. I was totally sick the first night here and I went to bed at 8:30!! It was horrible. I felt queasy, but I couldn't just throw up. I had the worst headache ever, and I would get really dizzy if I walked anywhere, especially up stairs.

Today I feel better, praise God, but it is still hard to breathe. I just want to be able to breathe again! It's really frustrating actually. However, I am determined to stick it out. I have heard that altitude sickness is really common, but I had not heard of it until the week before I left. Most people feel better in a week or so.


I have met some amazing people here. There is a couple from Australia that sold their house, cars and IT business just to come here and see what God had for them. They are now my personal heroes. Who does that?! How amazing. I was totally excited to talk to them. It's really funny because I have a whole new list of vocab words after hanging with them for a day and a half.

I really wanted a foreign student to be in my room, and a girl named Ji Sun is my roommate. She is from South Korea and very funny. God has been helping me to reach out to her and help her with her English. (I taught her what janked means. Haha!)

I really think that there is something amazing here for me and that is why it has been so hard. I have been so homesick today due to feeling badly, but I think that it will get better after my body adjusts.

Please keep me in your prayers, as I need physical strength right now to make it.

Also, I have $2195 left to pay on my tuition which is due in three weeks. As well, half of my outreach fee is due.

I found out that I can either go to South Africa (Yes!) for $3200 or to Mexico (Cool too.) for $1200.

I need a miracle, kids.

I love you all! I miss Ohio terribly, but luckily there are lots of people here from Ohio to chat with. Buckeyes have a special bond.

Monday, September 26

We made it!!

We're in one piece and safely in Denver, which totally rocks! This place is beautiful! I am already feeling the altitude difference, so I wonder hwta it will be like when I am 8,500 feet in the air on a mountain.

Many things have happened in my emotions lately. I am scared to death in a lot of ways, but also peaceful about a lot. I am really nervous about meeting new people. (I know. Shock.) But I really am excited too. There will be people from other cultures here which is exciting to me.

I met a girl from England today. She is really cool, but sadly only here for another four days. She will be gone when I come down for laundry time this weekend. She's from London and totally funny. She made fun of my accent! I have an accent?! Haha.

Anyway, many funny stories are to come I am sure. I will be updating so you guys who have supported me can see what your money is going for. Haha!!

Keep praying for me!! It has helped me keep my sanity these past few days!!

Friday, September 23

Thursday, September 22

I am leaving tomorrow!

I can't believe it! Three months in the mountains and two months in another country await me. Wow.

I had lunch today with Rene, Angel, Laura and Dave from the tv station where I used to work. (Hey guys!) I managed not to cry when leaving which was good because I didn't want it to be "goodbye," just "see you later." I really loved the people at that job. It was amazing that I was able to keep some of those relationships this past year and a half.

I am so excited to go to Denver, but I am also thinking right now about leaving my favorite people behind. Not just the old WSFJ crew, but Jason & Sarah, SJ & John, Jeanna, The Vallangoens, The Seymours, The Fox crew, The Schilgs, Fritz & Christina, Brandy & Aaron, The Booths, Kana & Map, Izzy, The Boulis crew, Privette, Jilly Bean, Amy and Jaq and the teen crew... Heck! Everyone.

I'll miss you all! Okay, I'm getting a little emotional again. And I really don't want to ruin my makeup.

Monday, September 19

How great is our God

Yeah, it's been a crazy road these past few months. I am so excited though for what is going to happen that I can't even think of anything else save the fact that God worked things out for me.

Yesterday morning, the main pastor at my church was away speaking at a revival. I didn't think this was going to happen because he was gone, but I really hoped that the leaders of my church would gather around me and pray for me.

Pastor Tom was speaking and he called me up for everyone to pray over me. I started crying so hard, praising God for allowing it. I really didn't think it would happen. God started speaking to people's hearts, cause in like 10 minutes, I had half of the finances I needed to go.

And God is so great, because lots of people asked for my brochure because they wanted to support me in what I was doing. Everyone just kept hugging me and telling me that they were hoping everything worked out for me. They would be praying for me. They loved me.

And I know it was them, but at the same time it wasn't - because God was telling me that through them. I felt that he was pleased with me. I know that he loves me and is happy with me. Because I am trusting him, I know that we are going to become closer and closer as time goes on.

And that excites me!!

Saturday, September 17

The Mile High City

Denver... I got in! I was accepted! Woot!

I am going to Denver! Next Friday Becca and I leave. It's going to be wierd, and I will miss you my sweet Ohio. But the mountains call!

I can't believe I am going to spend the next three months in Colorado! Oh my goodness.

God just really rocks my face off!

Thank you, God for working this all out for me. Thank you! Thank you!

Tuesday, September 13


My mom is in the hospital again with fluid on her lungs and heart. Please pray if that's your thing.

And God moved... again...

It's so funny because I felt the need to go and pray for the junior high service tonight. I got there early. I prayed for Fritz to be able to say what God wanted him to say. I prayed for God to touch the hearts of those teens and help them focus on him in major ways. And at least one did, because at the end of the service, she came up to Fritz and Mindy crying. She said that what Fritz said in his teaching had gotten to her. And we all gathered around her and prayed. And she asked God to help her out.

And I have come to believe that God is going to do great things at Highpoint this school year, unlike anything that church has ever seen.

I went to go see my friend Brandy because she had a rough day the other day and I wanted her to know that someone cares. I'm not sure how much good I did. I think I made her nervous or something actually, but I prayed for her as I left. I wished I would have felt the need to pray for her at her house before I left but I did not feel led to do so.

Anyway, her hubby came home right before I left and said that Fritz was in the sanctuary at church talking to all of the girl's friends (the girl that came up to him after the service) and praying with them. What an amazing thing to happen.

I love it when you move in the hearts of people, God. Thank you for letting me see it.

Monday, September 12

Officially Rejected

YWAM Seattle called me and told me that they were officialy out of spots and therefore rejecting my application. It's so funny how God works. When they called, I had first thought they were calling to say, "Just kidding about that wait list thing! God was just testing your faith! C'mon over to Seattle!" Alas, my sweet Seattle! When will I see you again?

But it's okay. I paid my application fee to Denver today. Frankly, if they reject me, I am going to laugh! I am praying about just going to Denver with Becca anyway if I don't get in and at least visiting the base. Just to check things out. And check the city out! I can probably stay with Becca for a couple of weeks, allowing time for me to buy a discounted plane ticket. I think a trip to Denver would be so much fun!! My friend Ryan is going to be in Denver that week on a layover, and I haven't seen him since New Year. His job transfered him to Switzerland. But, we'll see what God leads me to do.

I have the chance to work at the school again, watching kids this time, but with all of the crazy stuff I have to do packing - wise, I just don't see how I can do it. I am packing up everything this week as if I am going to Denver. I mean, I should do that just in case.

If I happen not to go, I will probably still move. I am not sure what Jack & Angel think about me staying here for another season. I don't know what I'll do about a place to live, but I have to trust that God will work it out for me. He's not let me down yet.

Sunday, September 11

Fresh newness

Amazingly, God is rocking my face off! I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about being delayed on the whole YWAM thing, but I have asked for God to guide me and he definitely has!

So much happened today and I cannot even believe to tell you about how cool God is. I asked him to speak to me and he did. I really needed him to touch my life because I am so sick of spiritual complacency. I told God yesterday that I needed him to speak to me today and move me in the service. I had no idea what I needed, but I knew that God would meet my need. I knew that he would remind me that he has not forgotten me.

God used me to reach out to people in ways I have not experienced in a long time. It was amazing! I can say nothing but that. And I know that God moved me tonight. I ended up calling out prayers I didn't even know were in me. I prayed for teenagers I didn't even know. I prayed for myself. My church. My pastors. My teen friends.

God bless that youth group.

Some stuff happened today that could have embittered me and made me all Eyeore. But I ain't getting down like that anymore. I have had enough. I need a real genuine faith and relationship with Christ. I am sick of letting crap like church politics get in my way.

You aren't getting the best of me. I'm saving that for Jesus.

Saturday, September 10

I can't let go

I am not ready to give up the idea that I am supposed to go to YWAM. I just keep hoping that one of the two bases will call me and say that I'm in.

It just makes so much sense for me to do a DTS. And it seems to be the right time.

Still waiting on the Lord to say when.

Thursday, September 8

Good news!

I made the last payment on my car payment today! No more Hyundai Motor Finance, and it feels like I'm ending a marraige or something. I mean, five years? That's a long commitment. Especially for me. God has done some amazing things in my life lately!

I am so excited to see what happens with YWAM. I am checking out maybe going to another base. Since I already have a ride to Denver with Becca, I think I will try there. What's the worst that could happen? God shuts the door? I am out another $50? Screw it. It's not my money anyway. I have never had the interest in going to the Denver base, but I think that God may just be opening a door there.

We'll see what happens.

Please keep me in your prayers!

Wednesday, September 7

Dear God,

I need your help. You know that YWAM called me today and told me they put me on a wait list. Is that what you want for me? Not to go to Seattle? I mean, seriously, I was so sure this is what you wanted for me. What is going on here? What do you want me to do?

I could go to the Denver base because I am going to be there anyway. It's too late for the other bases I wanted. Lausanne I can't get to because of my passport issues. Vegas's base is already filled for their fall DTS. January maybe?

Am I not supposed to go to YWAM at all?

That wouldn't make sense at all. I mean, everything in my life has lead up to this. It seemed you had been working overtime to help me reconcile myself to doing this. God, I was so sure this is what you wanted.

Now I am afraid it might not be. Oh, God, help me! What do I do?


Did I hear you correctly? Did I misunderstand you? I mean look at my life over the past year: I said I was going to bible college, I told every one I was getting married, and then I told everyone I was doing a DTS. The first two painfully and unregrettably did not work out. I'm cool with those two. But this? I'll feel like a fool again if this DTS thing goes wrong. But at least I am a fool for you! Haha!

I just don't understand why this is happening, but I will stick to the truth that "all things work out for good to those that love God." And, man, I love you! I am really apprehensive about what the point of life is right now, but I love you. I am afraid that I just can't seem to hear correctly from you, but I love you. I am completely going to trust you in this. And it pains me to say it, but, no matter the outcome... I will trust you.

Please help this all to work out the way that you want it. Help me, Lord. Help me to lay my dreams aside to do what you would ask of me. If getting denied is what it takes for me to grow closer to you, as much as it hurts, I'll do it. I'll put that desire aside for you.

It just didn't seem like that's what you wanted because it took so long for me to reconcile myself to doing a DTS in the first place.

I need to hear from you right now Lord. Speak. Please?

Hoosier Time

I should hear something for sure from YWAM today or tomorrow! I am really excited about it too.

I am in Indiana now awaiting the phone call. I came here with my friend, Gina's Aunt Julie to see Gina and my family before I leave. Crazy, huh? I am so totally super excited to be here, which is so totally super unusual. I really want to hang out with everybody and get to have fun before I leave for Seattle.

I should be back in Ohio sometime this weekend. We're not on a schedule. We're not sure what we are going to do.

The down side: Vida is going to be in Ohio this weekend, and I really want to see her before I leave. However, we may not make it back before then.

Tuesday, September 6


I should know for sure in the next two days whether or not I am officially accepted to YWAM Seattle. Whew! I need to get my passport!

Holy crap!!

I am on the phone with YWAM Seattle!!


Friday, September 2

Puppy steak anyone?

Today, I was house sitting for both my friends, Erica & Nathan and Tom & Trish. Erica & Nathan have two dogs: Taylor, a basset hound and Jordan, a Laborador Retriever. Tom & Trish have one dog, Duke, and a neighborhood full of cats! I'll explain later...

So I stayed all night last night at Tom & Trish's after spending a long evening with Taylor and Jordan out of their cages. I figured since I would not be in the same house with them, I'd let them have run of the house before I left. I let them out twice to go potty, so I figured they were good for awhile.

When I woke up this morning, Duke was chillin' on the bed and I let him outside and then took a shower, heading straight over to let Jordan and Taylor out.

I got there and immediately opened the door for Taylor to run outside and go potty. And then i put the leash around Jordan's neck and let her out.

When I looked out into the yard, Taylor had made a run across the street!!! I thought I was going to have a heart attack. She's not my dog! No dead doggies on my shift!

I let Jordan go potty and prayed to God that Taylor wouldn't dart into the street. A man on a bicycle was petting her, so I figured I was safe.

I put Jordan in her cage and then ran across the street to get Taylor. I had to give her food, which I had luckily grabbed post-rescue. She wouldn't come to me right away.

I wanted to kill her! I have watched these dogs before and she has never run across the street like that. Let alone ignored my calling to her.

I took her back to her cage and fed her and Jordan and then turned to leave. I will be back tonight to let them out and run around. I reached for the door, when I saw it...

I pile of poop from the night before. And it was mushy. Not easy to clean up at all! Matter of fact, I think it left a stain on Erica & Nathan's carpet.

Yeah, I wanted to cuss. Ugh.

I looked at Taylor and said, "Who wants to be puppy steak?"

Wednesday, August 31

Gas Prices!!

Seriously? This sucks. When you have no $$, this just sucks!!

Monday, August 29

Je ne sais pas ce qui est erroné avec moi en retard.

I really don't. I mean, I have been sick this past week, but something else is wrong. I mean, I keep laughing with my friends and all. When I hang out with them, things seem to go smoothly. I just feel off. I don't know what the deal is, really. I don't feel God anymore. Haven't for awhile, despite the fact that he has been doing some great things in my life.

Ever since I broke up with Ben I've been off. Everyone keeps asking me what the deal is.

"What's wrong Megan?"
"You doing okay?"
"You don't seem like yourself..."

Yeah. I don't seem like myself. I more or less had an engagement go badly. Not just a relationship, Ben said he already put a downpayment on a ring. We were planning on getting married next year, and I was talking to a friend the other day and realized that I haven't forgiven him.

For what, you ask? Well, he turned out not to be what he said he was. In the beginning, he painted this picture of himself. That picture is not who he really is. Which tells me a couple of things: one, he wanted to be who he told me he was. So, it's not like he deliberately lied. (Even though I feel a little betrayed.) Two, he has no idea who he really is himself. So, I wonder if he gave me the categorical answers a "Christian Boyfriend" should give.

Fine. I'm a big girl, I can take it.

I just feel kind of yucky about the whole thing. I'm not used to having an "ex" anything. It's new territory for me. I asked the old seasoned vet, you know who you are, how I should deal with moving on. She said, "Meg, you need to go back to the plan you had before you met Ben, and you need to categorize what you can take as a lesson from this relationship and move on with your life."

How does one go about moving on with life? I mean, it's such standard advice for everything: when one gets fired, when a marriage ends, when someone dies. We all tell that person to move on with life.

I guess the better question is: How do I move on with life? I mean, life has been moving, but I just don't think I have been moving on with it.

I am kind of in a dead stop emotionally and spiritually. That is no one's fault. It just kind of happened. I have been so numb lately. I haven't felt good about myself or how I look in weeks. Well, I did feel good when I worked for the school. It's just that... I feel off.

Yeah, I am officially manic I think. I am not even sure if this makes any sense. Just something I have been knocking around in my head.

I need to forgive him.

And I need to forgive myself for not getting out of the relationship sooner. I mean, he just wasn't right for me. I don't know what I was thinking. I am so freaking glad I got out when I did. Our marriage would have been a total disaster!

I am also tired of church and getting screwed over by churches. But that's a whole other story. I have no idea what to do about that one. I am so sick of people not being what they say they are. I know we can't just wear signs that objectively state our issues and attitudes. It's just that, well, I am totally tired of the bullcrap. I am tired of life some days. But I keep pressing on, because I know I have a purpose out there somewhere to fulfill.

I am sick of me getting sick of things. It's such a drag!

Phillippians 3:12-21 "I don't mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection! But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be. No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven.
I hope all of you who are mature Christians will agree on these things. If you disagree on some point, I believe God will make it plain to you. But we must be sure to obey the truth we have learned already.
Dear brothers and sisters, pattern your lives after mine, and learn from those who follow our example. For I have told you often before, and I say it again with tears in my eyes, that there are many whose conduct shows they are really enemies of the cross of Christ. Their future is eternal destruction. Their god is their appetite, they brag about shameful things, and all they think about is this life here on earth. But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior. He will take these weak mortal bodies of ours and change them into glorious bodies like his own, using the same mighty power that he will use to conquer everything, everywhere."

Sunday, August 28

And now a message from the cutest girl in the world.

That's right. Look at that smile. How could you resist that smile?

I had her leave some voice blogs on my site here, and I think they are pretty cute. Afterward, she asked why it [my audioblog] didn't talk to her.

Kids are funny.
this is an audio post - click to play
this is an audio post - click to play

Wednesday, August 24


That's pretty much the consensus lately. I am in a state of getting things done. When I'm awake, I'm focused. Which is good, very good for me. I have my app. in to YWAM except for my medical forms, which I am sending today.

I am getting my passport photos taken tomorrow. Or Friday. I am making the appointment for like a couple of weeks from now because I don't have the $$ to get it right away. Which will end up costing more money, but I am so behind on being able to pay bills that I cannot afford to get it yet. Stupid overdrawn checking account!

Side Note: Did you know that by mid-2006, all passports will be made with a computer chip in the back of them? I'm one step closer to being killed for not denying my faith.

I am really excited about going to Seattle, and it's almost unreal how quickly time is gaining on me. I still have a lot to get done. I need to go to my storage space and get stuff to sell. I wonder if anyone wants to buy my stereo and vacuum... I may even sell my dresser! I mean, I really need the money right now.

Anyway, I've been really tired lately and I am sick today. All I have wanted to do is sleep lately, it's been wierd. I cannot get to sleep at night, but I sleep until like 1 in the afternoon. (Don't tell Jack & Angel.) My cough is so bad that my throat burns. My head hurts, and I really want to go back to bed. But I am ignoring that voice and striving to get done what I need to get done.

I slacked too much this summer!

Anyway, I am having a lot of emotions right now about leaving. I am ready to go. I think I have had enough of Ohio for awhile. I want to get out and visit more places. But, I will miss my friends so dearly. I cannot imagine what life would have been like if not for Kiwi, Map, (o: Erica, Nate, Jeanna (and the other five Gina's,) Jason, Sarah, Rugz, Schertz, Luster & Amber, Izzy, SJ, Ms. Melissa, Ms. Jillian, Dave, Momma Judy and Daddy Richard, Pastor Mike & Dr. Dana, Pastor Tom and Trish, Aaron and Brandi, Jules, Brian & Rachael, Shuree, Tam-Tam, and the list goes on. I just don't know what things would be like without the countless people who have shaped my life over the past six years! But, I am ready to move on to this new adventure. I am ready to take on what God has for me. And while I am scared to death of taking this leap of faith, for surely it will be a rough journey at times, I know it is what God has for me. I know I will grow immensely from my experiences. And for that, I am truly excited!

Seattle, here I come!

Friday, August 19

For the record again...

God is so awesome! I just know that despite Satan trying to get the best of my emotions lately, I am going to have everything I need to go to YWAM. The Lord is my provider.

I am so tired. And I mean. Dog. Tired. Especially after all that cleaning and stuff I did at the school today. But my mind is renewed with the love that God has for me.

I mean, sending angels to guard and protect me? Am I worth that? Heck yeah! I'm the daughter of the king. God thinks I am worth thousands of angels if I need it. That was a big excouragement for me. Thanks, Jeanna.

The Lord is my provider.

Genesis 22:14 (New Living Translation)
Abraham named the place "The LORD Will Provide."
This name has now become a proverb: "On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided."

Hebrew Yahweh Yir'eh. (Jehovah Jireh)

Genesis 22:14 (The Message)
Abraham named that place GOD-Yireh (GOD-Sees-to-It). That's where we get the saying, "On the mountain of GOD, he sees to it."

A welcome change

I had an interim job position today and tomorrow. Auntie MJ and Uncle Tom are opening up a new private school and they needed workers to help with it. I volunteered. And got paid. I got a ton of stuff done today, and that helped raise my self - worth a bit. A lot, actually. It's so good to be able to complete tasks. (Which is funny for me to say because I am usually not a task person.) But I felt so amazing! People were so glad that I was there, and they went out of my way to make me feel welcome. It was really good.

Monday, August 15

My other prayer

God, I really need you right now. I need your peace to engulf my life, because I know that you will provide all the money and resources I need to get my checking account in order and be able to go to YWAM. God, I am in the negative $300 on my checking account, and there is nothing I can do other than pray and ask you to help me. I know you can. I am sure that you can provide every cent that I need. Thank you for the money you have already provided to help alleviate the anxiety. I appreciate it. I know you are going to help all of this work out. I need money for my passport, my tuition and my other needs. You called me to go to YWAM, so I trust you'll provide for me.

Friday, August 12

Sanity is overrated

The thing that made me forget my $$ blues is the fact that my application was received today by YWAM Seattle.

For those of you wondering, here is the program I'll be going through starting in late September.

I am really excited to see how this works out. It will be amazing, I am sure.

I'm going to scream!!

Dude, if I overdraw my checking account one more time, I think I just may cuss!!

Praise God, the check cleared before I was charged any more. At least I have $7.19 to my name.

Thursday, August 11


...if it keeps raining everyone will think those are raindrops running down my face.

Wednesday, August 10

My prayer

Look, God, I'm not going to cut corners with you okay? I'm just going to be for real. I don't know what my problem is lately. I feel so sad all the time. I don't want to hang out with people, and when I do, I'm so manic and overly thespian that I sicken myself. I play the funny girl role to the extreme. Why can't I be real right now? What am I so afraid of? And I really don't understand why I keep going through these mountains and valleys, never feeling fulfilled like you promised. Or is it that I'm not feeling fulfilled because I'm not trusting that I am fulfilled? Did you ever promise that I would feel fulfilled? Ugh. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like crap. I keep letting people down, and that sucks because they are people that are really important to me. I just don't know where the love went! It's so hard for me to love people right now. I keep teasing everyone and taking it too far because I am hurting and I want them to hurt too. I don't think anyone really understands what I am going through on the inside. I feel like I don't matter. I catch myself thinking that I just want to go to heaven already because I can't take it anymore here. I mean, if I dropped off the face of the earth, would anyone really care? I really need you to work in spite of the lies running through my head right now. Please help me to do what I need to, so I can get my stuff together for YWAM. I am doing this for you, because you called me. So I really want you to be in the middle of it. I mean, if it doesn't work out then that's cool. You know? I just don't want to do this in my own strength if I am going to do it. I really don't want to go through the rest of my life wondering, "What if I would have gone through the YWAM program?" You know? When I focus on what is going on with missions stuff I feel so much better. I don't feel that sadness, but I get excited! When I think about singing to you, I get excited! My focus is so janked! I know it. I just feel so much hurt right now and I don't know how to deal with it. When I get hurt, I just shut down and get depressed. I wonder if that is what is going on with me now. Whatever, I'm just a mess, God. I can't even really articulate why I'm all bummed. I just feel sad. Would you help me? Just help me not to be all sad like this for the rest of the summer, all right? I could use your help, but I am not going to demand it. I'm just going to ask. Will you help me? I don't know what else to do. I need you. And I do love you. I just suck at showing it right now, and I'm sorry for that. Truly.

That's it. I guess...

Tuesday, August 9

I can't think of a title

I seriously want to dye my hair. I bought the stuff, but no one will help me do it. It's the suck.

I don't have the money to pierce my nose right now cause I still need to get my passport.

I sent off my application yesterday despite being out of checks. Luckily Jeanna wrote a check and I just gave her the $40.

Hopefully tonight I can work on my brochure that I will eventually hand out to people at my church and such. I am really excited to see what the response will be from those around me. It is going to be amazing!

I still feel pretty sad and heavy - hearted, but I am hanging on to the fact that God loves me and hasn't forgotten me.

Organization is not my strong suit

So, now I am starting to get all my stuff together for YWAM.

I sent off my application and now I am going to wait for their response to everything. Of course, I am crazy nervous. I wonder what will happen.

I need to get my passport.

I need to get my storage space cleaned out and taken care of. I don't know if I am going to keep it or sell everything I can to help raise money for my DTS. I found out that my church won't be supporting me financially, which sucks, but I know that God will work in spite of that fact if this is his will. God will work in spite of a lot of facts in my life.

Like right now, all I want to do is go to bed. I want to go and cry. I've wanted to break down into tears all day, but I have held it in. I cried myself to sleep last night. I am so emotionally overwhelmed by my life that I just don't know what to do with myself!

I really think I may have a chemical problem in my body or something. I just can't seem to get it together emotionally. And this is a pattern that I need to work through, but I have been putting it off for years. I have been thinking that it will go away, but I really am tired of having these breakdowns. And I'm tired of hiding the fact that they exist. I mean, I spend a lot of time crying. And I am beginning to realize that it's not healthy to do so. I have huge problems with the way I get down on myself and down on my life. I am a depressive personality.

I need to pray as to how I can work on this side of me.

Sunday, August 7

What the jank?

I really have no idea, but I can tell you that I miss Becca so much I cried yesterday.

I feel all spiritually janked lately. I feel out of it or something. Like disgruntled with the church as a whole. Tired of people's faults. Stuff I have to get over if I am ever going to do anything ministry wise.

I feel really hurt by the whole boyfriend fiasco. I feel lied to. Betrayed. Like I never want to ever let anyone in again. But I know that's crap. I took a chance. Thank God I found out that things weren't going to work out when I did. Even though I am thankful, it still hurts. It hurts a lot. I am tired of everything being so hard. My life is so hard sometimes. Is there anything I can do to make it not be so much drama?

I just want it all to go away. I am tired of having to beg God for the same strength all the time. It's the suck. There's just so much going on. I feel like I am going to drown in it all.

I guess I am a little mad at you, God. I mean why can't things just be okay for me? I want to be able to provide for myself more than I do. I am so sick of being hurt and lied to. Please don't let me marry anyone that is going to hurt me all the time. I'd just rather be single than let that happen.

I hope that God really teaches me how to grow when I go to YWAM. Because I just can't take this crap anymore! I have completely lost control of things, and I am having trouble trusting God in it all. I just want to cry.
What is going on?!

Friday, August 5

Back from camp

It rocked my face off! I had a blast and I am really super tired, so that's about all I'll post for now.

I gotta catch some ZZZZZZZzzzzzz's!!!

Monday, August 1

3-2-1 Blast off!

So, I have a ton of stuff to do this afternoon before my doctor's appointment. Then, I'm off to pre-teen camp! It's going to be a crazy week, but I am excited about it!

See ya'll when I return.

Sunday, July 31

I'm a slacker

And I'd never admit it in public, but I am a slacker.

I slacked all summer on my YWAM stuff - cause I had a stinkin' boyfriend - and now I am having to throw it all together at once. It's crazy. I don't even have my passport yet, nor do I have the $$ to get it right now.

And I'm trying to get ready for pre-teen camp. Ugh. Too much at once.

I am going to do my brochure when I return from camp and start raising support money.I need monthly supporters like crazy!!

All right. I gotta get back to work!

Nafu, I'm afraid I've been thinking

A dangerous pasttime. I know.

My life feels kind of boring right now. Like just blase. No real reason why. I mean, I've been working my bootie off this week. For real. I did a lot. I took on my first graphic design venture, and I have to say it looks pretty darn good. I spent literally hours on a brochure for the camp where I'll be a counselor next week.

I have to get laundry and junk in order really fast-like because I leave for pre-teen camp Monday night. I can't leave with the rest of the crew tomorrow afternoon. I have to wait until Monday because my heart appointment is Monday afternoon. I tried to reschedule, but I can't. Since I have no insurance I have to go to a clinic, and they only have a cardiologist there certain times during the year. The next time the doctor will be there, I will be in Seattle. I am not excited about this appointment at all. I am really nervous about it actually, but what can I do?

Anyway, I really hope that things get fun for me again soon. I don't like feeling all indecisive and unsure and lonely and post-sick and annoyed with my life. It's the suck. Seriously.

So I am going to dye my hair black, pink, platinum, blue, orange, and whatever else hair color I can get my hands on. Oooooo! I cannot wait! I just want to go crazy on it!

Saturday, July 30

I am in the mood to do something crazy

We're talking piercing (probably nose since I have wanted to do that since I was like 15), haircolor, something different.

I just got out of a relationship, I am getting restless to go to Seattle and I miss some of my friends.

So rather than start drinking I am going to do something rocked out with my body. Awww yeeeah!

I was inspired by these gals' hair. I found some really cool profile pics on myspace and thought I could go from there. I even made flyers that I can print out and take to my stylist.

Yay! I'll be calling you soon, Jen!

Pre-teen camp is next week, so I can't do anything until after then. Camp is going to be off the chain, man. I cannot wait until I get to hang with all of the young ones. It is going to be a blast!

I leave on Monday evening.

Thursday, July 28

Sarah & Jas

Are really great friends. I don't know what I would be like right now if not for them. God has used them to shape my life a lot. And my hair color. Heh heh. I think I may just dye my hair red. This pic has inspired me. These two are going through a punk phase right now. Kinda suits them. I can't wait till Elleanna is old enough to dye her hair! Who knows what colors it may be...


Wednesday, July 27

I feel like crap

Well, actually today my sinuses are better, but I still feel like crap. My body is sore from carrying around this emotional baggage.

I was thinking last night why I am so testy lately. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. I am tired of having to put on a happy face for everyone because I am "the funny one". Yeah, that is the suck right now. Because I really feel like people talk to me because I am funny sometimes, not because they really care about getting to know me. I can't even remember the last time someone played 20 questions with me, wanting to get to know the stuff that's going on in my life. I mean, the former boyfriend did, for obvious reasons, and his friends... for obvious reasons... But really... Do I have anyone to talk to, really? People jsut don't get me most of the time, and that is lonely. I feel like I am misunderstood a lot. People seem to get all preachy with me, which doesn't make me feel loved. It makes me feel like crap. Like I am stupid or something. Isn't there anywhere I can be for real without everyone jumping down my throat? Please tell me! Anywhere?

I feel sick of everybody being fake. I'm tired of it myself, and I really don't want to see it in anybody else for awhile. You know? I am sick of people not being what they say they are. It makes me frustrated to see people play the "good little Christian," but in reality they are hiding this big sin issue or bad attitude that surfaces. No wonder there are so many athiests in the world! Look at how we're all acting! Like can't we all just be for real about it? Alas, no, someone is pursuing a relationship with his same sex bast friend or someone has a beer and has to lie to people about it (biblically there is nothing wrong with having a drink, just getting drunk) or someone uses his spiritual gifts to manipulate people. Ugh. It makes me tired. I am so tired.

I really need to learn how to love people. Because I have no idea what love is. Each passing day shows me this more and more.

I feel like my encouraging words for others have been intercepted and therefore made no difference. I have tried to be a good listener lately, and I just for the most part cannot focus. The few times I have tried to encourage people, it felt like, off. Like they just didn't want or care to hear what God was trying to say through me. And that shouldn't really affect me, because if God is speaking through me, then their grievance is with him.

I feel like I really don't care about what God wants in my life right now. Like I just don't even care about worshipping him. And that is the suck right there, because I love God. I'd follow him anywhere! But lately, I have just been putting him off. Whatever, God. I'm not in the mood for you right now. I have a headache, and my nose is stuffy. Go solve world hunger or something. I'm gonna lay right here and have a pity party.

I know that my focus is off. Satan is really trying to get to me right now because I am working diligently on getting my YWAM stuff together. And I know a lot of this is just I need to die to myself more and get past what I need and want. I need to trust God with those things more. I know this. But, man, if I don't get these feelings out somewhere, then I am going to just implode. I have tried talking to people about what I am feeling right now, but everybody seems too busy when one is in need, don't they? You ever feel that way? Me too. Me too.

I am really worn out. My sleeping pattern is off and I cannot get enough rest it seems.

God help me. Forgive me for being a whiny brat. I need your help! I want to worship you again. I don't want to continue in this barren land any longer! I want to be done with it! Help me Lord. I cannot do this without you!! Only you can change my heart. Only you can change my attitude. Help me to combat these feelings I have with your truth. Remind me of who you say I am.

Tuesday, July 26

Fire from a soda can and a chocolate bar??

Yes, it can be done!

I was a little out of line...

in my last post.

I was really in the mood to be a shrew yesterday. I was sick and sleepy and got all crazy over something someone said. Because it made me feel stupid, I went a little above and beyond the call of the point I was trying to make.

I love my pastor.

I just hate it that this situation isn't being talked about. I hate it that when I mention the sitch or anyone involved, and I get wierd comments from people. And that emotion I have had to deal with for about a year now.

Regardless, I never should have selfishly let it get out in the manner that it did. I think that may have been a mistake. I have been posting things on my xanga (I started a xanga because a lot of my friends have it and they were too lazy to go to my blog.) by copying and pasting my blogger posts.

But today I realized that I offended a friend of mine by my last xanga post and so I shut 'er down and cancelled my account. Xanga sucks anyway. (o: Besides, I need a blog where I can be myself and not get all worried about who's reading it and getting offended.

So, here I am. Posting on my blogger blog solely again. I'm sorry I cheated on you, blogger, will you have me back?

Monday, July 25

I don't mean to mean, but I gotta be blunt.

So, I had more fun at campmeeting with the people I hung out with than at the actual services. I came back on Saturday. I slept through church on Sunday. (Sue me.) Today I woke up with a huge headache and sinus issues to boot. My face has been sore all day. Those of you with allergies will relate. I felt like crap. I almost didn't go in to work at the church.

But I am glad I did.

Pastor Tom, Pastor Fritz, the other interns and myself all had a meeting about the events coming up and what all of our jobs were. We also shared some prayer requests and prayed for each other. It was so amazing. The presence of the Lord was in that room. I know that I have been healed. God is so amazing!

But, when I am tired, I can take things the wrong way. And I have to say that on the flip side of things I was really annoyed today at times.

As much as pastors can be open, they can just shut off. To be a good teacher one has to be teachable, and to be a good leader, one has to open to correction. I wonder how open the leaders at my church are.

You know, there was this big thing that happened between my pastor and his wife and a couple of prominent families in our church that resulted in the families leaving. No one talks about it! Everyone pretends like it either didn't happen, or that it's not okay to talk about it. I think that's crap! I am not saying that anyone was more right than another about all of this; I am mature enough to know that both sides probably made mistakes. Openess has to be protected at times, but also, we cannot all just pretend that everything's perfect. I still don't know what exactly happened during that whole sitch last year, but I know that I have seen many people hurt in our church by it. Everyone just keeps trying to cover it up, and all that is doing is creating more mystery. What good is that going to do anyone spiritually? I don't understand. It doesn't make sense.

Why tell me every week that I need to be more open and soft hearted toward the Lord and trust him more, when you don't lead by example?

I am sure that being a pastor is hard and all, but I am tired of playing the pity card. Honestly, people, just suck it up! Bieng in any kind of relationship is hard. Regardless of circumstance. You are going to get hurt. So pastors, why are you over-protecting your families as if you don't trust God enough to let him handle persecutions from others? We are all going to be presecuted at one time or another, and it's not like I am saying we should be careless and set ourselves up for it. I am just saying that it's time to stop covering everything up all of the time. I am sick of everyone asking me how these people are doing that left the church. If you want to know how they are, call them and ask them! There's a novel concept!

I just don't get it. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a Harry Potter book having to call Voldemort He Who Must Not Be Named or You Know Who when I mention anyone that was involved in said situation. So many times I have been counselled by my pastors that anything worth hiding is probably sinful. So what happened in this situation that makes people want to pretend that it didn't happen? What happened that everyone wants to hide? Seriously. Cause all the covert-ness is doing is making everyone wonder more and more what the truth really is. And, honestly, I don't think anyone has enough gall to really tell it. Everyone seems too afraid. As if keeping it all under wraps will help the situation go away.

Frankly, it's confusing. And I refuse to pretend like it didn't happen. I refuse to pretend like no one got hurt, cause they did. No one ever really said that, but I can see it all over their faces.

Truthfully, all I really want is for the situation to be resolved and for the families to feel free enough to come back to our church. That would be a true testament of the grace you all preach about every week. Live it for the people God entrusted to you! It makes sense to me that what God wants is the truth to come to the surface. I know if that is God's will, the situation will come out no matter what any of us think or say or do. It will keep being addressed in one way or another. And that is my prayer for this situation. May no one be able to rest until God has his way in the hearts of those involved.

Friendships need restored and people need healed. I may not know the whole situation, but I know that much.

Friday, July 22

Here's my score on the test Jason is making all of us take...

You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavly by John Wesley and the Methodists.

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan
Classical Liberal
Neo orthodox
Modern Liberal
Reformed Evangelical
Roman Catholic

Here's the link

Wednesday, July 20

Campmeeting rocks my face off!

I am hanging in Mount Vernon this week. Campmeeting is this big thing where all the churches on our district get together for this big revival service, and we get our worship on.

In some ways (the Ben thing) I feel better than I have in weeks!

In other ways, new discouragements have come to the surface. Which proves once again, that if it's not one thing, it's another!

Oh well. I am getting to spend lots of time with Jason and his family, so that is awesome. I love furthering my relationships!

I am going to praise God no matter what, because he has given me a week of fun times. Singing on the praise team was totally awesome!

Monday, July 18

So, Meg, what's with the tears?

Well, I ran into some boy issues.

Turns out that Ben and I don't need to be dating right now. There are some issues that need to be resolved-and I mean re... solved...- before I would be willing to agree to get engaged. Like seriously, some pretty intense things have happened over the past few weeks.

I won't mention them here because mutual friends of ours read my blog.

Anyway, so I broke it off. I was pretty honest too. Like, "I'm not going to call you, and don't call me. I'm not going to screw with your head and continue to interact with you like we are a couple when we are not. So, if you see me around JHouse, MCC or group don't hug me. I know that we would be getting in the way of each other's relationship with Christ. I don't see the point in dating, when the relationship cannot further into engagement. I am not going to date someone I am not pursuing marriage with. I do not mean to hurt you, although I understand that might happen. My point is to keep nothing in the way of my relationship with God. I do care about you, therefore I care if these issues get resolved. Maybe someday, in like a few years, we could date again; I am not going to say "never." However, I am not going to fill you with a false hope either. I am going to continue my life as if we will never get back together until God leads me otherwise."

Yeah, things like that. [By the way, please keep Ben in your prayers.] It was really hard, but I have to say that God totally gave me a peace about everything. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders!

I am God's anointed. And I felt him showing me that tonight, like he was pleased with me in what I did. He answered my prayer. I have not prayed this hard in forever, I have not cried this hard in forever. I laid all of these things down at God's feet and I said, "Dude, take them. I cannot deal with this on my own." And I know the Lord guided me to this. I fasted for a period, which was hard, because I got a migraine that same day. I fasted from makeup for days. I wore a head covering, to bring my spirit to humility. I sang to God. I yelled to him to hear my prayer. I laid face down on my bed and told him that I would obey, if he would just speak to me.

And God spoke. Clearly.

I am so excited about that! There have been times in my life where I have wondered if people even can hear God's voice at all. I have wondered if I could at all. I know that God speaks in many ways, not just in an audible voice. And I know that now because God is so awesome!

I am a little bummed about possibly having to divorce from our friends because they are really great people. But out of respect for Ben, and respect for the friends, I entrust those relationships to God. If anyone wants to stay in touch, they know how to find me. I trust that God will lead them in that respect, but I don't feel it right for me to make the first move.

Completely off the subject, why do people freak out about speaking in tongues? There are seem to be two extremes: those who think it's fake or wrong or that those who do it are demon posessed, or, those that think everyone has to do it to be saved or those who try to force others into it. I mean, what's up with that? One should not be forced into following Jesus, so therefore no one should be forced into speaking in tongues. But yet, it is a real gift for today. Available to any Christ follower who seeks it. Just like the gift of wisdom, guidance, love, etc.

We live in a janked world. Christian or not.

Saturday, July 16

Holy Crap!

Megan! Quit being a sap and go to bed!!


My girl Jeanna. Man, we need to go salsa dancing again soon. Like for real. She's out right now in an RV with like half of her extended family, touring the wide open gorgeousness that is the west. I really miss her making me laugh.

Get back here soon, girl! We gotta sing to the radio with the windows down!


How cute is my Ky? Like seriously. Sick! Sick! Sick!

I miss...

My girl, Beckers! She rocks! Doing her thing out in Denver now. *sigh* But, I know she is where God wants her to be.

I love this picture. Too bad you can't see the black in her hair as much as you should! It looks pretty cool.

Shout out to Bec!

Up late and home alone

I miss my girl Gina! How funny that the first time I ever had real crab legs was on the Ohio River?!

The time is two-thirty in the morning and I am eating ice cream

Yeah, don't preach at me about health right now. I'm not in the mood. I am rather fiery, actually. It's a great time to be that too. Since it's the perfect time of day to be full of energy.

Who freaking calls somebody at one-thirty in the morning? Seriously. Especially when that person readily admits in the voicemail "...we don't really have a lot to say to each other right now."

I was all comfy after the thunderstorm. Reading and half asleep. Not really in the mood to answer the phone when it rang, but not really asleep either. Now? Oh I'm wiiiiiiiiiiiiiide awake. About fifteen or so minutes after my voicemail indicator went off, I called the person back and he conveniently did not answer his phone. How convenient! Haha! Because I have things to talk about now.

It's two-thirty, and I'm suddenly in the mood to gab. So, instead of calling my loved ones and waking them at two-thirty in the morning, I turn to my good old buddy, Mr. Breyer to console me. Some people have bourbon; I have Breyer's. Which is probably not something I need to admit on my blog.

You know, out of sight out of mind can be a dangerous philosophy. About people. Not ice cream.
Oh what the heck? Why change the subject now? I'll say it. I have a food problem. I am addicted to food. I use it to console myself. I actually feel better saying that because I don't think I've ever admitted that before. Like to people.

Not that you couldn't tell. I'm not exactly skinny. But I don't eat like this all the time either. Which is also hard to deal with, because people may think I eat like a heifer all the time. No. Just when I'm sad or not talking to God. Well, this time it's the former. I really don't feel like I've ever prayed as much in my life as I have the past week or so. I mean, like constantly. And the funnier thing is, if you think I am big now, I have actually lost weight. Seven years ago I weighed 295.

Yeah you saw right.

Not exactly ladylike and graceful is it? 295! What was I thinking? Actually, I think after that I started smoking and lost a bunch of weight. But when God healed me of that smoking addiction three years ago, I gained like 45 pounds after that. And I have lost again. And I have gained again. Pretty much remaining at the weight I am now. Which makes me want to, well, punch something.

Because I feel fat.

I say things like that as I eat my Breyer's. Ugh.

I am a sitcom waiting to happen. Or a cheesy teen drama. Or a stand-up comedy routine.

I need to let my brain shut off!

Friday, July 15

God teaches if we are willing to listen

Yep. And that's what he has done for me. Here I am in the middle of a situation that is potentially damaging, just waiting for God to tell me what to do. I have been seeking him. I have been crying out for guidance. And God spoke. Clearly. He has taught me a lot about myself in the past few months, as well as a lot about him. It's been really cool. In spite of the pain that has gripped my heart in the past week or so, I have had joy because the Lord has been showing me that what the enemy intended for evil, God used for good. I have become closer to God than I ever have been before and I am so excited about that.

Praise the Lord because he speaks to his children! Praise the Lord because he keeps us from harm! Praise the Lord because he allows us to experience pain in order to teach us to rely on him! Even though at times my heart is sad, I will praise the Lord!

So, I have realized that I have totally been slacking this entire summer about my application process, my passport, raising support money. All of that stuff. I am here to say that is changing as we speak! I need to do what God has called me to do. I need to go to YWAM and seek him even more! I know that this will be an excellent season of my life, as God will reveal himself more and more to me as I carry out my call to missions. I'm pretty dog - gone excited too!

Anyway, I'm getting ready to head off to my small group. I am really excited to tell about the wonderful things God has done for me in the past few months and to have them pray for me as I head into fulfilling the call on my life. It is going to be so awesome to share this with them! I really hope that they can grow in faith as well from hearing my testimony. I gotta make sure God guides me to share, but I already believe that he is going to because of the excitement I feel.