I am really shocked at the fact that I am still sane even though I have spent most of my life around people that think I am just an idiot. Why is it that the family and friends closest to you always hurt you the most? When you need them to really back you up and be a forgiving advocate, they decide to place blame on you.
I spend all this time and effort trying to make myself appeasing to others: losing weight, holding back what I really think, dressing up this fat body, and making jokes to make others comfortable. Why?! What good does it do? You fall in love and trust someone with your heart and they don't honor you. They hold off next steps in life because their fear and family's abuse has produced in them a level of fear that stunts their ability to move forward.
How ridiculous am I that I put up with this behavior? I do not have time for your shenanigans. And I am definitely not an idiot. Do not mistake your second chances for me being blind to your faults. I see you. I just keep waiting for you to get on my level of realness with my past and what it was like growing up. You are still living in a dream world where you can fix your family and you will get a storybook happy ending. Their abuse patterns won't let you. So open your eyes.
My heart hurts. I have cried myself to sleep so many times over the past few months. You just didn't always see. I have forgiven you more times than I care to count. You have forgiven me too, no doubt. But in this, are you really hurting more? Is your reputation really on the line? Are you taking all the risk? No. False. I put my trust in you. But will things go the way I would love?
I have given up so much in life for other's happiness; this started way before you came around. I have lived with stress and lack of comfort or surety for most of my life because others required it for their seeming sense of peace.
Meanwhile my anxiety gets more and more thick each day as I worry about my future and what that looks like. As you tarry, I get crazier. I get more nervous and more ripped apart. Unsettled. Saddened. Lost. These are not good things.
I am good. Why do I feel so badly? I feel like this is all my fault. But it's not. It's just a place and a something I'll never do again. I can never be in this place again with anyone else.
Right now, I need to hear why I am awesome. Why am worth your time. Why you love me.
Wednesday, February 25
I understand this passage in a different way than I have before. The truth is, forgiveness is really hard and maybe a journey, not a destination. Anger takes over when I am wronged, but the truth is I am called to forgive those who wrong me. I am hurting, but I am not a victim.