Friday, April 3

Wake Up

I am really shocked at the fact that I am still sane even though I have spent most of my life around people that think I am just an idiot. Why is it that the family and friends closest to you always hurt you the most? When you need them to really back you up and be a forgiving advocate, they decide to place blame on you.

I spend all this time and effort trying to make myself appeasing to others: losing weight, holding back what I really think, dressing up this fat body, and making jokes to make others comfortable. Why?! What good does it do? You fall in love and trust someone with your heart and they don't honor you. They hold off next steps in life because their fear and family's abuse has produced in them a level of fear that stunts their ability to move forward.

How ridiculous am I that I put up with this behavior? I do not have time for your shenanigans. And I am definitely not an idiot. Do not mistake your second chances for me being blind to your faults. I see you. I just keep waiting for you to get on my level of realness with my past and what it was like growing up. You are still living in a dream world where you can fix your family and you will get a storybook happy ending. Their abuse patterns won't let you. So open your eyes.

My heart hurts. I have cried myself to sleep so many times over the past few months. You just didn't always see. I have forgiven you more times than I care to count. You have forgiven me too, no doubt. But in this, are you really hurting more? Is your reputation really on the line? Are you taking all the risk? No. False. I put my trust in you. But will things go the way I would love?

I have given up so much in life for other's happiness; this started way before you came around. I have lived with stress and lack of comfort or surety for most of my life because others required it for their seeming sense of peace.

Meanwhile my anxiety gets more and more thick each day as I worry about my future and what that looks like. As you tarry, I get crazier. I get more nervous and more ripped apart. Unsettled. Saddened. Lost. These are not good things.

I am good. Why do I feel so badly? I feel like this is all my fault. But it's not. It's just a place and a something I'll never do again. I can never be in this place again with anyone else.

Right now, I need to hear why I am awesome. Why am worth your time. Why you love me.

Wednesday, February 25

I understand this passage in a different way than I have before. The truth is, forgiveness is really hard and maybe a journey, not a destination. Anger takes over when I am wronged, but the truth is I am called to forgive those who wrong me. I am hurting, but I am not a victim.

Luke 6:27-49New Living Translation (NLT)

Love for Enemies

27 “But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you.28 Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. 29 If someone slaps you on one cheek, offer the other cheek also. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also. 30 Give to anyone who asks; and when things are taken away from you, don’t try to get them back. 31 Do to others as you would like them to do to you.
32 “If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them! 33 And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit? Even sinners do that much! 34 And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, why should you get credit? Even sinners will lend to other sinners for a full return.
35 “Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked. 36 You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate.

Do Not Judge Others

37 “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.[a]
39 Then Jesus gave the following illustration: “Can one blind person lead another? Won’t they both fall into a ditch? 40 Students[b] are not greater than their teacher. But the student who is fully trained will become like the teacher.
41 “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye[c] when you have a log in your own? 42 How can you think of saying, ‘Friend,[d] let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.

The Tree and Its Fruit

43 “A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. 44 A tree is identified by its fruit. Figs are never gathered from thornbushes, and grapes are not picked from bramble bushes. 45 A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.

Building on a Solid Foundation

46 “So why do you keep calling me ‘Lord, Lord!’ when you don’t do what I say? 47 I will show you what it’s like when someone comes to me, listens to my teaching, and then follows it. 48 It is like a person building a house who digs deep and lays the foundation on solid rock. When the floodwaters rise and break against that house, it stands firm because it is well built. 49 But anyone who hears and doesn’t obey is like a person who builds a house without a foundation. When the floods sweep down against that house, it will collapse into a heap of ruins.”