Tuesday, May 30

Once again, my reputation preceeds me. . .

Well, chalk it up to. . .


I talked to my friends, "the pastors," about my, uh, slip-the other night.

And there is a lesson for me in all of this. I know it.

I just can't quite recall it right now. But it's in there.

Yeah? The f-bomb? Eh. I'm over it.

Pretty much anti-climactic admitting my faults-er-slips-er-things.

You know?

I mean, it did prove to me that things I do are usually a bigger deal than I think they are.

Go fig.

But good that I was real with people. Two of the three people standing near me didn't even get that I said that word.

Yet again, go figure.

Someday things will be different. Someday.

Oh, how I love springtime.

Saturday, May 27

My crap pales in comparison

This is a real life CNN airing about the children and situation in Uganda like documented in the movie Invisible Children.




Open foot; insert mouth

I had a really cool day today. I got a lot of stuff done. It was way rad.

Went with the old Bradford crew to see the new X-Men movie. Awesome. My friends Joe and Katie came too. That was cool. Worlds collided and there were no casualties. Sweet.

After the movie, I was talking to some friends who happen to be pastors and I accidentally said the "f-bomb" in front of them.

Look. I am not going to go to into detail about the conversation, but I will say that what I said happened to be about another leader in our church. Yeah, this just isn't getting any better now that it is staring me back in black and white.

I'm not making excuses or anything, I'm just saying that I totally felt stupid afterwards.

Mostly because they are pastors.

Mostly because a couple of other friends of mine are ridiculously anti-cussing and me having said that gave fuel to their fire. But it's not about what they all think. Even though in my mind that is a part of the issue.

See, the bottom line here is this is a symptom of a bigger problem for me.

Something inside of me is just off. I'm not making a huge deal about the whole thing. I mean, it bugs me that I said it, but mostly because my friends have the title of "pastor" in their name. Not because I totally feel its wrong. I have to admit that I would be significantly less annoyed if I had said the phrase in front of virtually anyone else.

I mean. . .

I just know by this happening that I subconsciously was making decisions that are not cool to make.

Look, I cuss to either rebel or be cool to people.

That's the truth.

I caught myself cussing the other day in front of some friends of mine. Again, the f-word came out, and I totally knew in my heart that I was doing it subconsciously to be cool to them. They don't even know that, and if they did, I am sure that they would not really care. They probably think I am cool no matter what I do. (Poor suckers.)

But seriously, I guess I just don't know what to think right now. I mean, this time I know I wasn't trying to be cool to my friends after the movie. Or was I? I mean if not, then why did it come out? Ergh.

I'm not going to let guilt come in, but at the same time I wonder what the jank the deal is. I mean, it feels wrong to have said that especially about another leader in the church. I just cursed about my brother in Christ. I know that is wrong. (Even if he can be a pain in the butt.)

But is that because the people I was talking to were pastors or because I genuinely feel remorse for having even let that out of my mouth?

And what is wrong with me that these words are suddenly okay with me? They haven't been a part of my vernacular for a long time. But sometime during my DTS, I picked up cussing again.

Which is way wierd because I was at an "All God - All the time" setup school.


What does this all mean?

Okay, now it's late and I am starting to make a big deal about it.

Can't do that. Opens up doors and gives footholds to things I don't want in my life.

Good night.

Wednesday, May 24

The healing process

It's not easy. It's downright painful. Memories are painful.

But I know in time that things will be different. It's not going to bother me as much in time. God is putting me in a place to heal me. In my heart, I know that.

I just have to have a manic crying outburst sometimes. It's good for the soul. And confuses the cats. The kept looking at me last night, cocking their heads and making low, rumbling noises. Not purrs. Not whines. Just noises.

It was funny. You just had to be there.

Today I feel all ex-haus-ted and headachey. I am worn out after running myself ragged having too much fun for my own good this weekend. It was the bomb. I had to cancel on some friends tonight because I just feel like crap.

It turns out Sarah and Jason are totally worn out this evening too. We are all home. Tired. Planning to watch Lost. It's the season finale.

Anyway, my mom called this afternoon and said that she is in the hospital. She has a blood clot in her lungs.

This is no good.

But I trust God. And he will be with her even if I can't right this second. I just hope that things get better for her, because I would like her to have some fun this summer with me.

I want to give this relationship a shot at normalcy. I will probably never get normalcy, I realize. I just want to try to have. . . Well. . . Something.

Instead of this raging nothing.

Cause nothing sucks.


But, hey, these things take time.

And time is all I have these days.

And as the tear fell, I knew this: that things would never be the same.

So, some friends of mine are working on a play together. My friend wrote it. He is acting in it, and the church this group attends is letting them put it on in June. Which is sweet. I am very proud of all the people in it because I know that putting your pride and rep on the line with your artform is never easy. And everyone's putting their all into this play. It's gonna be amazing. I have no doubts.

See, the thing though is that this play. . . Well, it's my life. In a way. And not intentionally of course. The dad has terminal lung cancer and was an alcoholic, but has now turned to God. And he just has a small amount of time to try to get his kids to get together as a family for the first time really.

This is a bit of a parallel.

My dad has cancer. He is an alcoholic. Is. For some reason, he can't eat because of the radiation treatments but he can drink his sorrows away. I finally have the emotional strength to have some sort of relationship with my father. . . but he's very sick. And that dominates, well, everything. My mom and dad are both sick.

And it's not freaking fair!

You know, every time I watch this play, I just. . . cry. There's this scene at the beginning, where the dad and the mom are talking about the fact that the dad is dying and they have to tell the kids. He's tenderizing steaks; she's slicing carrots. But neither of them has called the kids yet. And the mom says, "I'll call them right now."

Dad says, "It's okay, you can call them after dinner, honey."

"No, I wouldn't want that hanging over our heads," mom says, "It might ruin the steak."

I can't freaking take it. Every time I cry. Tonight, I ran to the bathroom. And I bawled.

I just wanted a normal family when I was growing up. I wanted to be loved by my parents. I still want those two things. And now, I also just want to know that I matter to them as a person. That I'm not just some freaking claim. Like property. "This is my daughter, " they say, "and she is our pride and joy." Bull crap! Bull! Crap! I am just someone you can manipulate. Someone you can tell what to do. Do you even give a crap about the hell I have been through? Have you even bothered to think for one second that maybe what I do is good enough and you have no freaking right to judge me due to the fact that you are miserable excuse for human beings?


Hmmm. I'm surprised. I've forgiven, and I've asked forgiveness. You keep shoving the knife in. Harder. Deeper. Until not only are my old wounds fresh again, but I have new gaping holes in my heart that I must contend to. Just leave me be. Just leave me alone, because I just don't know how much more fo you I can take. I loved. I loved and I trusted. I was violated. Betrayed and left for dead by own parents! I was left to drown in my deep sorrow. I wish I could forget. I wish I could wipe it from my memory.

I was abused.



My dad hit me a few times. He threw things at me and called me a "whore" when I was like seven.

My mom scratched me and left bruises from holding my arms so tight and shaking me. She screamed at me, "Why didn't you die?"

"I didn't want you," she said. "I didn't want this! I wanted an abortion. I should have had an abortion."

I was a child!

Innocence was stolen from me by the very people that God put in place to protect me. To protect my innocence.

Where was my advocate? Where? No, please. God! Somebody tell me where.

I was left alone, to my own devices. Hiding in closets, while my dad beat my mom in the head with the telephone. Stuck in a small, dark space. Afraid to show myself. Afraid to breathe. Afraid I would be next. Afraid my mom would die. "This is it," I would think. "My mommy isn't going to live through this."

"I'll kill you, you b%$@&!" My dad would scream. "You're gonna die tonight!"

I would stand there, frozen. Thinking if I could just be a better little girl, they would stop. My mom would stop being sad, erratic, angry. My dad would stop drinking and starting making omelettes on Saturdays and we could go to museums and baseball games together like normal families.

All I wanted was a normal family. That's all. Just some semblance of normalcy.

And last night, when I talked to my mom on the phone. When I see this play. It all comes back to me.

And all I want is to be loved! And to be good enough! Not manipulated into being what someone else wants. Dang it!!

Dang. It.

Why the jank am I crying?!

This play. It's made me think more deeply about what I went through. Who I am. What my parents did.

I mean, my mom just doesn't relent. No matter what I do.

Over and over again, I forgive. And move on. Again. And again. And again.

Seventy times seven.

A prophet is never accepted in his hometown. Surely not amongst his own family.

I'm tired of this rant, and I need to calm down and talk to God about it. Admitting some of these things the second time, well, it just doesn't feel any better that I went through them. But it does feel better that I can talk about them now.

And I know God was there. Jesus was right there with me. Every time. Through every scrape bruise and black eye. Every time.

And he saved me from worse. I could have been a statistic. But I am a child of God. He is my daddy. My love and my friend all rolled into one.

Today's manic outburst was brought to you by the letters V and G and by the number 5.

Tuesday, May 23

Where have you been all my life?

So, I have had the most fun these last few days hanging out with my friends who have been in and out of my life these past few years. It's funny. I have wondered, out loud and to the people in the group, "Why haven't I hung out with you guys before? Where have you all been all of my life?" Yep. Funny. I totally realize that God has brought us together at this time for a purpose and for that, I am greatly thankful. It is love. Love between brothers and sisters. Love is the greatest gift, after all.

My mom emailed me on my birthday to tell me this:

megan your dad is very ill and says hes dying and would ike to see you before he
dies. me also. my family reunuion is saturday june 10th this year
and i would like for you to go with me because this may be the last for me to be
able to go. i expect you to be here soon.. if you dont have a
way i will see if someone can help. love mom enough time
has gone by already happy birthday sweet 27th

Yeah, uh. . . Thanks, mom. Happy Birthday to me! Wooo!

What the--?

I mean, that was just a lot of things I don't really want to talk about. But it was not this: love. Love, it was not.

And so I think I will let it go. I will trust that God will get me to where I need to go, when he needs me to be there. I will dismiss the self-depreciating thoughts that arise in my mind, and I will remember that I am a daughter of the most high God. The very creator of the world. The very author of love loves me dearly, and would never make me feel guilty or like I am less than what I am, for that is not in his nature. God's very nature is love.


Monday, May 22

It's my freaking birthday!!

I am twenty-seven. That's right. I am.

Wow. That is a good feeling. 2... 7...

Here's to Buca and good friends!

Saturday, May 20

Hey there five AM!

Hey, it's five am and I just got home from a night of partying.

That's right. I got out of the house.

I went to visit a friend who is on tour with a band. The tour came through Grove City and I drove down to hang out.

Frankly, I was a little depressed today. I'm having a hard time right now with my mom and all that stuff about going to Indiana. It's hard living the life I am right now.

Look, I don't really care what you think. You may think that what I've been doing is "easy" or "lacking responsibility" or "childish". Well, if you think that, you don't know me or God's character for that matter. And while we're on the subject, your attitude sucks.

There. I. Said. It.

Okay? I'm tired of these things looming over conversations I have. Lame. I'm over it.

I hung out with people tonight that I had met for the first time, and God totally used them to remind me that what I am doing is important. Every day, I make decisions to care or not to care. Yes, copious decisions are made by me every day. And God uses those silly little decisions to inspire people. To care for them. To provide for them. To love them.

Almost everyone I have talked to that I knew before I left for DTS has not really been that interested in what happened. Like, I can't even really get into stories about what I experienced, you know? It's like people are thinking, "Well, that's great for you. I'm hungry. I should go get some lunch."

I want to make more of an impact on my friends than that.

But I found tonight that strangers ask me more in depth questions about my experiences overseas and my DTS experience. I mean, I am over exaggerating a little. It's not like no one cares at all. I'm not saying that. It's just a different vibe.

And most of my friends that were close to me before I left just don't seem to care about what I went through.



I feel like sometimes people think I am trying to shirk my "responsibilities" by living the life I am. I get that vibe from people sometimes.

And it is so unfortunate for them because truly, "responsibilities" can be an excuse.

I can't go on a mission trip, I have credit cards to pay off.

I can't do a DTS, I am married.

And my personal favorite...

I have a house, why would I do anything crazy like pack up and go run off?
Yes, I am a bit bittered. A little. What I did was follow God's calling. You can choose to do less, but you shouldn't.

It's really not that big of a deal people. You just kind of do it. Everything works out in the end. He's the freaking creator of the universe. He's not gonna leave you out to dry.

If those things are valid reasons, then hey, cool.

But if they are excuses, crutches, or the like, then take responsibility and say, "I'm not ready for that."

Much better said.

Whatever. I'm sleepy and rambling like a nut.

And a little bittered.

A bit.

Wednesday, May 17

This commercial is dedicated to my friend, Lindsey

So funny from back in the day!

Down the slope

Yeah, I don't know what the frick my problem is. I've been wierd lately. I realize it. I'm just not sure what I can do about it. I am waiting to get stuff taken care of with the car, so I can go to Indiana. I am meeting with my friend next Saturday. Which is cool in a way cause I will be here for my birthday. Which is deep down what I wanted. And God set it up for me. Which is cool. I am just really frustrated with things. I want to be in the race. I still feel like I am waiting at the starting line for the gun to go off. I'm depressed really. I mean, I just want more stability. I want a life with like a job and all that. I am going to probably have to get before I leave here cause things are crazy, man. I am down to like just what I need to get to Indiana. And I don't see things getting any better right now. It's really hard. I have to admit. But I am going to hang in there and dig down deep to find the hope that my God has given me through his promises to comfort me when things get hard and stand by my side. I would given up on my crappy life years ago were it not for God in my life. How did I get here when all I wanted was love? Well, I am through quoting song lyrics now. I have been in a rather peotic, overtly dramatic mood lately. I keep having to check myself. I am still struggling at times with feeling like a burden to everyone. Like I am a bother. I get so sick of talking about how nothing has changed. I don't know what I am doing. Things are off still. I'm waiting... All that. That's how it goes, man. I'm just having a hard time with doing that. You know? I feel... like I am in the mood to fake it. Fake what I feel. Pretend everything is okay. Therein lies the problem. I made a promise to myself that I would avoid that philosophy all together. I want to be real. I guess it's a big pride issue too. Because I am tired of being the person with the saddest story in the room. Ugh. I have had to face so much about my life lately. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe I want a job because then I don't have to face me anymore. I can just ignore the things God is trying to have me work on in myself. Then I don't have to depend on him as much.

Oh, that line of thinking can't be good.

Yep. It's time to be over me.

I'M OVER ME!!!!!

Monday, May 15

It's that time again

You know, it's been a few weeks since my last nervousness hit me. And it's hitting me. Again. Things are coming down to the wire. I need to get to Indiana and I am running out of money again. I hate money. I will be so glad to have a steady job. Man, what a blessing!

I have a little over just enough to get me to Indiana. Hey Megan! You wanna put all your eggs in one basket? Yes. Yes I do. (Nervous laugh.)

So, I figure it's time to put my myspace on here. I always hate linking things like that, I like to play things more aloof online really. But this time, I'm over it.

Meg's Myspace <------- Check it out. Comment. Leave some love. Whatev.

I am chillin', tryin' to get some stuff done so's I can leave.

Please keep me in your prayers, you guys.

God, you know what I need. I trust you. Just keep speaking to me and guiding me. I know I'll be fine. Thanks for everything you do to keep me protected and provided for. I love you.

Saturday, May 13

I am feeling restless again...

I totally have to do something different with my hair! My first paycheck is totally going to hair. Seriously. I am so serious. Hair.


Friday, May 12

Stupid dang past

I found another remnant of an ex-boyfriend. I am really beginning to believe there may be something wrong with me. I mean, what the heck was I thinking?? I found pics of me kissing said ex. It's just too funny. I was so wierd. Why did I think those thigns were okay? It makes me want to stay single forever because I have no skills when it comes to dating. Seriously. That thing with Ben last year? I mean, yeah, God used it but... Well... I just know it wasn't God's best for me. I think he used because he loves me even though I wasn't making the best choices for myself.

I have found so many things that are from my "former life" that really make me feel badly. I was just so ridiculous. Part of me still is.

I always like guys that are so unattainable emotionally or like, well, gay.... Or I end up liking some guy that just wants to have sex with me, and that pisses me off. I am not a locked treasure to be discovered!

Anyway, I know that I am noticing things about myself for a reason. Like I know God is trying to show me something right now, but... I'm just not sure what the point is. What he's trying to say to me.

You know? I mean, I don't feel guilty for these things. I know I have been redeemed and all of that. I've grace for my past.

I just wish I didn't have it. Cause that was an insipid little girl that made those rookie mistakes.

But at the same time, I wonder if some guy comes along, talking the right lines... faking his relationship with Christ like Ben did...

Will I fall for it again? I mean, I can seem all strong and together now, but if he comes along will I need a boyfriend more than I think I do?

Is there something wrong with me?

Do I have a glitch in my programming somewhere?

There has to be something wrong with me...


Thursday, May 11

Cause I don't know.

No. No clue when. I still haven't worked out all of the details. And if I end up getting a job in OH it will be even longer before I get to Indiana. We'll just have to wait and see what happens. It's coming down to the wire, but that's my school.

I live life on the edge baby.

Tuesday, May 9

I survived...

the yard sale. That almost killed me. I literally almost died last week from exhaustion. I am so over packing and unpacking and organizing and moving! Gah! Over it! Unfortuanately, I did not sell everything and I have to devise a plan as to where it is going to go and all that. Jason and Sarah said I could put some stuff at their house, but I am kind of feeling bad about having to do that. Thay offered though.

The cool thing about this yard sale is that I got to pray for a couple of people and I gave some money away to people that God told me to. I also had one of the girls come back and ask for more help. That was cool. Sarah and I took her out and filled up her trunk with groceries. Woot.

It's been a pretty sweet reminder of what my true calling is. This other stuff is all temporary. I am so over life without purpose. I'm glad God has given me one. That is really cool.

I want a job, man. I need some cash flow coming in for real. I don't want to go to Indiana right now, but deep down, I know it's time.

I think I am just tired right now. It's been a long week and weekend.

Tuesday, May 2

Practice makes perfect!

Today I helped some friends of mine out by staying at their house last night and taking their kids to school this morning. I loved doing it! It was fun! The 10 year old girl looked at me as we were leaving the house and said, "Megan, you're a mom!" I loved that!

Some people act like when I baby-sit or nanny for them that it is an inconvenience for me. Not usually. And not really. I love kids! I am sure I'll be a great mom some day, and being able to spend time with my friends' children is great practice. I really enjoy being able to hone my child care skills and talk to kids, influencing their lives. It is a great opportunity and honor as well to serve people by helping them raise their children. What a great thing to do!

And sometimes, when I do it, I think about being a mom someday. I think about being able to adopt a child that needs a good home as well as having my own children. I think about what it would be like to be married, and I wonder when it will happen. Although, sometimes when I see how my married friends act, it makes me a little scared to get married. Worrysome, even.

Men and women are so different. I don't understand how guys come to some of the logic they do honestly, but that could be the particular guy. Not the sex as a whole. I mean, some people just don't have a flow of logic that works. Women don't sometimes. I should know. I am one of them. It's funny how much I wonder what it would be like to be inside someone else's head as an observer and see the world as they see it. I would sit in their brain in a chair watching their life on a movie screen, while being able to hear the overdub of their "inside voice" so I would know what is driving them to make the decisions they--

I have been reading too much science fiction.

Speaking of reading, I am reading more Donald Miller. Searching For God Knows What is a really great book so far. I love Miller's writing style! And I love that he is so personable in his books. It's like I'm sitting down to coffee with him while he explains his worldview to me. I dig that.

It makes me want to write my book. I think that is part of what this summer is about. Getting some more research down for my book. Working on getting some ideas typed out. Maybe I'll be able to afford a laptop sooner or later. That would be a great help in this venture! God has really put this idea for a book on my heart, and every time I think about it, I get excited! I would love to encourage my generation... Well, I really don't want to make the idea public as of yet, but I am talking about having the idea of a book with people. That's been cool. Some have looked at me with shock and wonder in their eyes. Some have been encouraging. Some quickly changed the subject. I mean, who knew, right? Me. Wanting to write a book. Interesting.

Anyway, I hope that things keep pressing on for me going back home. I really have to keep a tight watch on my finances these days. No more eating out, that's for sure!

God, do your thing. Please help this yard sale to work out. And please help me to be able to get my storage space cleaned out more. Thanks for looking out for me, dude. It's been a great ride!

Monday, May 1

It's all a blur...

My life is ridiculous these days. This freaking garage sale is hanging over my head, and my stuff in storage is hanging over my head. There's just not enough hours in each day. I wish someone would just walk up to me and say, "Hey, I'll buy all of your stuff from you!" Then I would take their money, give them the key to my storage space and skip town. Yeah, I would just skip town. I love the adventure of skipping town. I am so over my life, it's not even funny. I swear if one more person looks at me and says, "I wish I could do what you did, but I have a house/marraige/bills/kid to take care of," I may just scream. As if I have no responsibilities in the world. As if I am irresponsible and immature. Believe me, it's not as easy as it looks. My life. People need to stop telling me what they think my life is like. It makes me feel stupid. Don't presume, please. I'm living it. I know what it's like. My life is a lot easier in the short run when I don't have to depend on God for everything. When I don't have to depend on God for money or shelter or transportation... Faith. What a crazy concept. In the long run, I know that these things will be taken care of. I will be safe. I will be protected. God will provide for me. I just really don't like having momentary freak outs. When I have to face the reality of my situation, I get scared. I'm scared. I'm wondering what is wrong with me. Why can't I just keep it together? Why do I feel so alone? I have to tackle this monumentous task of emptying my storage space by myself, and it's overwhelming. I hate moving. Hate it. I don't use that word very often, but there it is. I hate it. And that's why I want to get rid of everything. Not as much because I am attempting a life of Godly simplicity like I have led everyone to believe. There. I said it. It's more because I don't know where I am going to be living from month to month and I am tired of lugging it around. It would be easier if I could just tote it all to Evansville and rid myself of it there. But I would just put things off again and end up in the same position. Stuck. Trying to tackle it all and more wanting to run away. Don't tell me what my life is like. More because I don't want to think about it. When I think about it, I just get sad and overwhelmed. It's really my own fault. I spent a lot of time procrastinating and selling stuff on ebay. It didn't pay off as much as I needed it to. I guess I am frustrated cause things aren't going my way right now. Ugh. I am going to be happier in a sense when I get back to Evansville because I will have a job and be living a more structured life than I am right now. I need structure. Something I figured out when I was in DTS. I would thrive in the structured environment in which I lived. It was awesome. I got out and accomplished more. I get out now. I lack in the accomplishing department these days. Not having a job is getting on my nerves. At least when I didn't have a job in Denver it was for an actively greater purpose. Purpose. It's what we're all living for. I just haven't found mine completely yet here. In this "real world," I feel a bit lacking. Devoid. I need more stability right now that I am not getting in the way things are going here. I'm ready to leave in the practical sense. In the sense of leaving people I hold dear, I'm not ready to talk about that. Ugh. I hate PMS.