Thursday, November 30

My uncle is a douche

My dad went freaking nuts-o on my mom tonight. He tried to hurt her. He was throwing stuff around the apartment and she called the police on him and had him sent to the hospital. He was crazy drunk. But we also wonder if maybe the cancer has gone to his brain. Just acting out of control. He was like that a lot when I was a kid. He could also just be a pissed off drunken alcoholic.

Anyway, my uncle goes over to my mom's apartment and begins to rant about how much I suck and how horrible a person I am because I did not move back to Indiana. Uh, I did move back to Indiana. For a whole summer, you idiot! Ugh. He's just so mean sometimes. I don't understand what his problem is. What do I have to do with any of this?

And he said some other stuff that was really crazy that I just really don't want to get into. He was just being such a jerk. It's dumb.

Sunday, November 26

Happy "No turducken for you" Day!

I went home to Evansville for Thanksgiving. It was really good to hang out and talk with my friend Moranda. I had a really good time hanging out with her at her house. It was sweet!

I took my mom to dinner at my aunt's house and had a really good time. When we got home my dad and I got into a fight because he was drunk and being mean. He cussed at me. It made me cry. Then ten seconds later I thought, "How appropriate," and laughed my butt off.

It is what it is.

My godson is a great kid!

He is such a little chunk. Eh... He's American.

Friday, November 17

And the beat goes on... Again.

Well, things are changing a lot here at chez Meg. Well, really it's not chez Meg, it's the sorority house. But that's beside the point.

You know, I've realized that things are what they are. I'm not so worried about the past these days. I'm not so focused on it. I've decided to move on with my life. I mean, now is not the time to be upset about the stuff that happened before. My life has been really tragic. It's a sad story. But it's also a story of love and hope and triumph over adversity. And I think that is what keeps me going. That and a good conversation with a caring friend. Luckily I've had a string of those lately. It has really helped me.

My dad is pretty sick. Now is not the time to focus on the bad things about his personality. When he dies, I want to remember the good things about him. The fun times we had. How we sat and watched FoodTV this summer for hours when he was in the hospital. How the first word he said with the attachment to his throat after the surgery was my name. How fun it was watching "My Fair Lady" and "South Pacific" when I was a kid. Those are things I want to remember. Lung Cancer is going to take him and who knows when it will happen, but the doctor has not given him a promising prognosis. And that is sad. It makes me sad. And it's okay that I am sad about it. I mean they pretty much said six months or a year and my dad will be dead.

And just so we're on the subject, I have to say that I really feel like every time I love something, someone, when I just let down my guard and let them in... They leave. And that makes me sad too. I have realized lately that I have had a lot of loss in my life overall. But I've had a string of deaths lately. People close to me. And that sucks. So many people close to me are sick or dead or dying right now. Well, at least enough to make me feel icky.

And it seems when I let people in and I let them love me and I truly open up to them they have to leave. They move away. I move away. They die. They get too busy for me. They get married and I don't see them for years. (I mean, I'm in my twenties. That's what happens when people get married: they disappear for awhile. It's just the way it is.) The point is, I realized lately that I have had a lot of loss in my life. And don't get me wrong, I'm not whining about it. I'm just saying. I have had a lot of loss. Disappointment. Pain.

It is what it is.

And the thing about all of this realization is that I have to move forward. I have been thinking a lot of the future. I am still weighing going back to school. Ugh. It's such a ridiculous argument in my head. I mean, it's not as if God is going to hold me back from going overseas if I choose to go back to college. I almost feel as if I would be saying that being an overseas missionary is out of the question if I go back to college. But I know that's just stupid. I mean really. I serve a God that is way bigger than that. And what I would be going to college to do would actually help me get into many countries and I could help people around the world or in my back yard. Hmmm.

It's just working up to it that sucks. I've been working up to it for years and I should really just let it go and stop working up to it and do it. Cause it really would help me in the long run. Ugh. Sacrifice now for the future. Man. I hate being a grown up.

I wanna be a kid again. But with less abuse and better parents.

Monday, November 13

Top five reasons today was good:

5) Dreamfield's was on sale at Kroger

4) I had my tall, one splenda, americano

3) I slept insanely well last night

2) I saw a great movie with a great friend

1) I played Tekken 4!!

Saturday, November 11

I sigh and I take a deep breath.

I hate feeling like this. But it's the way it is as of late. I don't feel as badly as I did last week, thank God, but I am feeling kind of sad. And with good reason. Yesterday I found out that my friend's mom, Julie, who I was really close to the first few years I lived in Columbus has suffered a heart attack and is in the hospital in Florida. My friend, who has few friends and less family here was pretty upset and feeling lost trying to get a flight and stuff down to Florida where his mom is. I ended up going to his house yesterday, helping him pack and taking him to the airport to fly out all within an hour and a half. It was crazy awesome. But sad because I know that his mom is going to have a rough time getting back up to par as she recovers from all of this. While I was driving to my friend's house I called my mom to tell her that Julie was in the hospital and she called me back a few minutes later saying that she heard from my dad's lung doctor. My dad went in for a biopsy on his lung a few days ago and it turns out that he in fact does have lung cancer and it's so bad that the doctor says not to worry about treatment because it would just make my dad feel sick for no reason. The cancer has spread really fast through his lungs. And the doctor says he only has a few months to live. He said maybe six. Maybe a year. But he's dying. And that really sucks. Really badly sucks. It hurts, in fact. I love my dad so much. Despite everything. And I just want to be able to have a relationship with him but this stupid illness keeps getting in the way. But I am trying to be thankful because at least I took time with my parents at all this summer. At least I have those memories. That's something I think. But it still sucks. So if any of you are wondering what's going on with me, that's it. That on top of everything else. And I still don't know how Julie is doing. Yesterday was a wierd day. I just feel like I can't get a break sometimes, but... I guess maybe I should stop expecting one. Life is hard. And that's the way it is. Remember to breathe, Meg.

Tuesday, November 7

Cracks break the dam

Totally true. There is no way to describe how wierd my life is. It's just re-frickin-diculous how much my life is like a dark comedy. Long story about being home and seeing my mom. Just trust me. The weekend was sweet. I got a $100 parking ticket which was the suck. And I was in someone else's car which was double suck. But what can I do? I have to pay it. The space wasn't marked. The sign was like three feet from the space and across the sidewalk, and the cop came in plain clothes and wouldn't listen when I tried to explain about parking there. He was probably a buddy of the people who usually park in that space. Has was mean. I said he was a mean redneck and my friend (who's from Tennessee) said, "Megan you don't have to bring his race into this." And she was serious. I guess I should know more about the race of redneck before I say things like that. Didn't know it might offend her. Ooops. The point of all of this is I cracked-again-this weekend and being around that group of girls was so awesome for me because they straight up told me to lay off myself. And I guess I realized that of all the disappointment I've had to square with lately, I've been more disappointed in myself than anyone else lately. And it all stems from the fact that I seem to think that I am unworthy of love unless I am perfect. And I keep going back to being in this place. I mean, I can avoid these thoughts sometimes for a period of time, but I always seem to get back here and get down on myself again. But now it's not about the way I look or my weight. It's all about my little mess-ups in life or I blame myself for things that are out of my control. I must stop this behavior-and how! It's just not fair of me to take on all this guilt for things I have no control over. It's not my fault. I can't control everything. Even though part of me wants to. Which goes back to my eating problem. I really think it stems from a control issue. Which is why I am going to go to counseling. I can't work this stuff out for myself. It's no good. At all. And I have to have help in working it all out. There I said it. I need help. Done and done. I can't let myself crack too many times. I am going to go down with a sinking ship. And then I'll be no good to anyone. So, I have to let God heal me through a way I don't necessarily want, but am forced to try. I mean I've tried to do this in so many other ways and on so many occasions. But now is the time to let God heal me through counseling. Ugh. I conceded. What was I supposed to do? Anyway, if you're the praying kind, please pray. I need all the prayers I can get. This isn't going to be easy at all. But life never is.

Friday, November 3

To my parents...

I am off to see them now. I'm nervous. Less excited. More nervous. It's always easier to pretend that they are great and everything's fine. But it's not. And things aren't okay. I'm not okay. I am dealing with a lot of stuff here. And I haven't fully conceded yet. I am working up to it. My dad has started drinking again and I have no idea what I am walking into here. And again, I am facing it alone. I mean, yeah, God's there. It's just hard. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I don't know anything anymore. Who am I kidding? I am just a scared little girl trying to make it in the world without self-destructing. I think we are all scared little kids trying not to freak out and self-destruct. Such is life, I guess. Off to Starbux. Then parents. Lots of crying, I am sure. Driving to Nashville. Hanging with Lindsey. Tomorrow night I get to see Erin!! And I could not be more excited about it. As a double bonus, I get to see Abbie, my other friend from DTS. They live together. I am stupid excited about seeing them. I need to see them right now. This is going to be good. I am okay. I am going to be fine. I have Corinne Bailey Rae to serenade me down highway 41. Everything will be fine. I just need to remember to breathe.

It can. And in fact--does--feel worse.

Tomorrow's it. The day. The day I look my nineteen year old self in the face and say, "Screw you." A nine month to one year commitment? That's a long time. But I can't turn back now. I conceded. What was I supposed to do? I have to do something. I can't keep going on like this. I cracked this week. Totally cracked. Thank God for Christy. Cause I don't know what I would have done without her there to hold me while I cried. This pain is too much for me to bear alone and I can't keep having Regret With a Side of Guilt for dinner. My childhood wasn't my fault. I have to move on with my life. Somehow. It's just a lot for anyone to deal with. Anyone that's not Superman, anyway. And I am not a man at all. Let alone Superman. I need strength right now cause I am feeling weak. And tired. And scared. I am really scared. I am so afraid of what the next nine months to a year will bring. But there it is. Before me. Ever waiting. I feel like crap. I feel so weak. And low. And completely unprepared for this. I am so afraid right now. I can't even tell you how afraid I am. This is a big commitment. And a big wall I am facing. I'm so torn between my choices. And nervous about seeing my parents tomorrow. I am in Evansville. On my way to Nashville. Just tired and scared and thinking that I am in way over my head. I am just... Done.