Tuesday, November 7

Cracks break the dam

Totally true. There is no way to describe how wierd my life is. It's just re-frickin-diculous how much my life is like a dark comedy. Long story about being home and seeing my mom. Just trust me. The weekend was sweet. I got a $100 parking ticket which was the suck. And I was in someone else's car which was double suck. But what can I do? I have to pay it. The space wasn't marked. The sign was like three feet from the space and across the sidewalk, and the cop came in plain clothes and wouldn't listen when I tried to explain about parking there. He was probably a buddy of the people who usually park in that space. Has was mean. I said he was a mean redneck and my friend (who's from Tennessee) said, "Megan you don't have to bring his race into this." And she was serious. I guess I should know more about the race of redneck before I say things like that. Didn't know it might offend her. Ooops. The point of all of this is I cracked-again-this weekend and being around that group of girls was so awesome for me because they straight up told me to lay off myself. And I guess I realized that of all the disappointment I've had to square with lately, I've been more disappointed in myself than anyone else lately. And it all stems from the fact that I seem to think that I am unworthy of love unless I am perfect. And I keep going back to being in this place. I mean, I can avoid these thoughts sometimes for a period of time, but I always seem to get back here and get down on myself again. But now it's not about the way I look or my weight. It's all about my little mess-ups in life or I blame myself for things that are out of my control. I must stop this behavior-and how! It's just not fair of me to take on all this guilt for things I have no control over. It's not my fault. I can't control everything. Even though part of me wants to. Which goes back to my eating problem. I really think it stems from a control issue. Which is why I am going to go to counseling. I can't work this stuff out for myself. It's no good. At all. And I have to have help in working it all out. There I said it. I need help. Done and done. I can't let myself crack too many times. I am going to go down with a sinking ship. And then I'll be no good to anyone. So, I have to let God heal me through a way I don't necessarily want, but am forced to try. I mean I've tried to do this in so many other ways and on so many occasions. But now is the time to let God heal me through counseling. Ugh. I conceded. What was I supposed to do? Anyway, if you're the praying kind, please pray. I need all the prayers I can get. This isn't going to be easy at all. But life never is.

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