Friday, November 3

It can. And in fact--does--feel worse.

Tomorrow's it. The day. The day I look my nineteen year old self in the face and say, "Screw you." A nine month to one year commitment? That's a long time. But I can't turn back now. I conceded. What was I supposed to do? I have to do something. I can't keep going on like this. I cracked this week. Totally cracked. Thank God for Christy. Cause I don't know what I would have done without her there to hold me while I cried. This pain is too much for me to bear alone and I can't keep having Regret With a Side of Guilt for dinner. My childhood wasn't my fault. I have to move on with my life. Somehow. It's just a lot for anyone to deal with. Anyone that's not Superman, anyway. And I am not a man at all. Let alone Superman. I need strength right now cause I am feeling weak. And tired. And scared. I am really scared. I am so afraid of what the next nine months to a year will bring. But there it is. Before me. Ever waiting. I feel like crap. I feel so weak. And low. And completely unprepared for this. I am so afraid right now. I can't even tell you how afraid I am. This is a big commitment. And a big wall I am facing. I'm so torn between my choices. And nervous about seeing my parents tomorrow. I am in Evansville. On my way to Nashville. Just tired and scared and thinking that I am in way over my head. I am just... Done.

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