Tuesday, January 30

Meg, derivative of Megan

Irish in origin, meaning "pearl"

Matthew 13:45-46

"Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto a merchant man, seeking goodly pearls: Who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had, and bought it."

I like to picture my Jesus as a man so in love with me that he would give up anything to be near me, anything to hold me, anything to hear my voice.

Defense! (Clap - Clap) Defense! (Clap - Clap)

I think it's so funny how with one phrase or word a discussion can quickly turn to an argument where one or both parties get defensive and then just as quickly turn back to a discussion and then fizzle into normalcy.

A lot (quite a few; enough to make note of...) of the conversations I have had with people recently have followed this pattern. And while I am still processing all of it (some, enough, nearly all) I can say this for sure:

I have some very passionate friends.

Wednesday, January 24

Side note on self into fervent prayer for father

I have no freaking idea what I'm doing. If I have ever put off that image, I was not intending to do so. I am kind of scared to death about what's next. Kind of? No. That's not the truth. I am making a leap of faith here, and I know it's not going to be easy. I am scared. Period. And I'm not getting much reaction from people when I tell them what's going on in my life. And I don't think it's because they don't care. I just think they don't know what to say. And I think they know they don't have to say anything. At least I hope they know. But at the same time... say something. Please don't just ignore the fact that I just spoke.


Your decisions impact me, whether you realize it or not, Tom Perkins. What you have done has hurt my little six year old self all over again. And that sucks. But it's not important. What is important is the fact that you have spent your life rejecting God over and over again. But he never rejected you! He died for you! He loves you! Can't you see that by me doing and saying what I did, God was speaking to you and holding your hand in intensive care? All those days I was near you this summer. In the hospital watching cooking shows, Jesus was right there. In me. In your midst. Did you even notice? Please think about it and notice. Notice him. I don't care about me. I don't care whether you ever notice me as long as you notice him. Then I will be okay. Just please make peace with God before you die. Okay? Please. He's so close. He's right there. Don't you see him? He's crying. He's crying 5,000 tears for every one of yours. And he's touching your face. Feel that warmth on your face that makes your belly jump? Your heart race? That's him. He came all that way to be with you. You are not alone! He does have time for you. He makes time for you. He's there to listen. So talk to him. I don't care if you can't physically talk. Talk! In Jesus name, you have a voice right now. Your stoma is healed so you can speak to him. Speak. Speak to God. Tell him, dad. Tell him you don't reject his love anymore. Please dad. Make peace? Not for anyone else. Do one good thing for you. This is you doing something good for yourself. Please listen to his call. He's calling you not to waste your last days. They can be turned for good. Do not go out in a whirlwind of hate and anger, but with peace and love in the name of Jesus. Peace that passes all understanding. It's there. Reach out and take it. It's free. Put away your money. You are not alone.

God says to you out of the chapter of Isaiah, "Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near." (55:6) and "Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock Eternal." (26:4)

The lord is near to you dad. He is so near.

I will trust in the Lord forever. I trust God won't let you die dad until you have made peace with him.

May God's loving conviction and judgement fall on anyone that does not put your spirit first in their thoughts and prayers until your last breath dad.

God is not too busy for you! That's a lie from Satan and I rebuke that lie in the name of Jesus.

God has time for you. God loves you.

It's simple truth dad. And I pray your eyes be opened. Please see and comprehend what is in front of your eyes.

I want to see you again someday. Without a bottle of Jim Beam in your hand.

I want to see the light of Jesus in your eyes.

I love you dad.

I will remember the good times, okay?

Tuesday, January 16

New revelation

Yeah, I mean, I think it is possible to totally be pure when you get married. I just most people make the choice to cave.

Life is about choices.

And I don't know what choice I will make when in that position. Sure, I hope it's the one that keeps me focused and not caught up in emotions and passion of the moment.

But that's never really been my pattern or my best attribute.

I guess for me, if I ended up doing something physically with a guy that I did before Jesus was so prevalent in my life, it would be as if he had never come in. As if he had never done anything to change me. That's where I am coming from. I have done some things in my past I am not proud of. After the past few years of seeking peace and working so hard to forgive myself for being so caught up in wanting to feel loved and letting that drive me to make bad decisions with men, I hope that now I would exude the fruit of the spirit which includes self-control.

But what I say about decisions I will make in the future is based just as much on theory as it is experience.

So, basically, I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Sunday, January 14

Je t'adore.

I have found out so many things about dating and pre-wedding relationships. Probably more than I ever wanted to know. But at the same time things I guess I'll need to know someday.

I am really doubting the fact that anyone can be completely pure before getting married. I mean, seriously, I imagine that when you are really in love with someone like that it's quite hard to ignore your passion for each other. And I'm sure that attraction and connection is really intense, especially after being engaged. I'm just saying... Seriously, the people that I thought were the strongest spiritual men and women have told me that before their wedding they were not "snow white" when they got married.

Which is funny to me.

Maybe the standard that I thought God had placed for me to follow is just something that I heard a pastor say that sounded good. Cause from what I have heard some of my friends say, things get pretty intense. Even my second mom was telling me that loving someone is really intense when dating and especially after being engaged.

And after hearing some stories, I know for sure that I have no idea what being in love is like. No idea at all.

I know what it's like to really care for someone and even though everything logical in you says, "What are you doing? Now's not the time. You're not ready to date or be involved with anyone!" you still are interested and think that person is worth the risk and want to chance spending more time together. I know what that is like. But that doesn't compare.

And part of me feels kinda weird like I should know what being in love is like. I feel kind of lame that I don't know love in that way. I mean, I'll be 28 in May. I'm a grown woman. But I also haven't been married before. The only dating I've done post giving my life back to Christ has been Ben. Who told me he struggled with homosexuality on a regular basis.

I think I am still seeing the repercussions of that relationship in how I deal with men now.

In a way, I am kind of glad that I haven't known being in love before. Because the man I choose to love will be the first man I've ever loved. I can fall for him completely and without abandon.

And that will be complicated and simple and beautiful and a lot of work all at the same time.

Wednesday, January 10

The Answer to Life's Hardest Question:

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Wonder Woman
Iron Man
Green Lantern
The Flash
You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

These results are really funny to me. Hilarious. But only one person knows why.

Tuesday, January 9

Wedding One: Check. Wedding Two: Commence.

How can you tell you're in your twenties? When you have more than one wedding a quarter to attend.

Good food. Good laughs. And two people experiencing a union that was "randomly" begun by a "chance" meeting in life. It's a good time.

I had a great weekend this past weekend. The wedding was absolutely beautiful and my friend Abby looked gorgeous. Ryan was glowing and looked absolutely handsome in his black suit.

I got to see many of my friends from DTS. Which I needed to see. I needed to see their smiling faces and hear their updates on life. I needed their embrace and their lended ears. There is an undeniable bond between all of us that probably no one outside will understand. We talked a lot about all of the fun stuff that happened during our times in Colorado, South Africa and Mexico. We recounted story after story and laugh after laugh. It was a great time.

I realized that I love these people. So very much. More than ever. It was so great talking to them. Each person was there for a reason. I could feel it. I felt God so close to me during this weekend.

I had a chance to really talk to people about what was going on in my life. I could totally be myself. I could totally open up and say what was on my mind. I could say the dumbest thing ever and get reprimanded for the lie I was believing and set straight on what God was saying.

At one point, I admitted that I didn't like being me. And I was going to counseling for answers on how to stop being so weird or neurotic or whatever. My friend Abbie was like, "Megan, you're not going to get those kind of answers from counseling. If that's what you are going there for, you are going for the wrong reasons. And I have no problem telling you that." And I knew in my spirit she was right.

I have been trying to stop me from being me all this time back here in Ohio. And I don't really know why. I am not even sure what I thought. All I know is I do have to be myself, while showing grace to those around me. I am not very good at that when I am caught up in my own pain. And I have been caught up in my own pain for awhile now.

I am done with all that.

I like being me! Who else can I be? Who else could be as goofy and serious all in one person? Me. That's who.

And forget my insecurity about being misunderstood. I gotta get over that. People may not understand me, and I have to be okay with that. I can't control others and make them do and think what I want them to. Although sometimes I have to admit that life would be a bit easier if I could make everyone my little robot droid people.

But what's the fun in that?

I just need to get my bearings back. I need to take a breath and realize that there is so much love and beauty that surrounds me every day. And that starts now.

I have six friends that found love and chose to celebrate it and seal it within the first few months of this year and that is really awesome. Funny. And crazy. And hilarious at times. But still so awesome. I mean, we are all just people roaming around on this planet and we "happen" to bump into each other and see that life would be better with this person in it. How weird and wonderful and not by chance at all is that?

It's totally God. Getting us to slow down and recognize that we don't have to do everything alone. But we can choose to open up and let love in and give love to someone else and see the beauty of something God joins together.

Life is crazy like that.

Bring on the weddings. I've got on my dancin' shoes.

Monday, January 1

And to think that I saw it on Mulberry Street.

The past year has come and gone and I can hardly believe it! My life has changed so much over the past few months, as have I. And I am sitting here, late as it may be, wondering what the next year will bring. I have had more love surround me this year and keep me from completely falling apart than I ever thought possible. It humbles me. So do my innane mistakes. Sometimes I find myself acting like a four year old and I can hardly stand myself. But, it happens. I can't be too hard on myself either. Growth is a process, not an event.

Love is an event and the recognition of such event is a process. Interesting.

So, last night a friend of mine was telling me his new year's resolutions. And I was really impressed by the sense that he was planning them. He was planning things to better himself. And we talked about how lame the whole tradition of resolutions can be, but how he still thought it important to think about them, wanting to see each one through to actualization in his life.

And it got me to thinking about my life and my resolutions to change. And the changes I need to make in myself. I mean, how well have I been stacking up to the ideas I had for things to do when I was moving back here? Bad habits to tackle. And overwhelming as the feeling was, I decided to think about them. I decided to think it through. After much deliberation, I came up with these five things, knowing there is actually much more I need to work on.

Resolution one: Attend counseling sessions and begin to work through the abuse of my past.

Resolution two: Fast from food for 40 days. (God made me a promise and he is waiting for me to make a move of faith.)

Resolution three: Let go of my idea of what normal is and let God show me more about what is "normal" in the facets of my life.

Resolution four: Stand up for myself more without being arrogant.

Resolution five: "The Kicker." Step out more in relationships that aren't comfortable to me. Do my best to meet my friends where they are and not just strangers.

I think that's it. And a couple of the resolutions will be helped by me going through some counseling stuff, I know. But I listed them just the same. This journey I am on with God is hard sometimes. The lines can easily get blurred between right and wrong but I think as I grow more and as I learn to be more comfortable in my own skin I will be less afraid to be in situations that are outside of my comfort zone.

I really want to learn what love is. I mean, I know some of what love is not. And I know some about what love is because I recognize it when I see it in others. It's Jesus loving me through those people. But it's hard all the same because I want to know more. I don't have good examples of love in my childhood. I barely think I received unconditional love when I was a child. But I know I receive it now.

And I am glad.

Happy new year everyone.

Kick butt hair!

Would my friends go out with me in public?

I missed her!

Kylie and I go way back.