Wednesday, August 31
Monday, August 29
Ever since I broke up with Ben I've been off. Everyone keeps asking me what the deal is.
"What's wrong Megan?"
"You doing okay?"
"You don't seem like yourself..."
Yeah. I don't seem like myself. I more or less had an engagement go badly. Not just a relationship, Ben said he already put a downpayment on a ring. We were planning on getting married next year, and I was talking to a friend the other day and realized that I haven't forgiven him.
For what, you ask? Well, he turned out not to be what he said he was. In the beginning, he painted this picture of himself. That picture is not who he really is. Which tells me a couple of things: one, he wanted to be who he told me he was. So, it's not like he deliberately lied. (Even though I feel a little betrayed.) Two, he has no idea who he really is himself. So, I wonder if he gave me the categorical answers a "Christian Boyfriend" should give.
Fine. I'm a big girl, I can take it.
I just feel kind of yucky about the whole thing. I'm not used to having an "ex" anything. It's new territory for me. I asked the old seasoned vet, you know who you are, how I should deal with moving on. She said, "Meg, you need to go back to the plan you had before you met Ben, and you need to categorize what you can take as a lesson from this relationship and move on with your life."
How does one go about moving on with life? I mean, it's such standard advice for everything: when one gets fired, when a marriage ends, when someone dies. We all tell that person to move on with life.
I guess the better question is: How do I move on with life? I mean, life has been moving, but I just don't think I have been moving on with it.
I am kind of in a dead stop emotionally and spiritually. That is no one's fault. It just kind of happened. I have been so numb lately. I haven't felt good about myself or how I look in weeks. Well, I did feel good when I worked for the school. It's just that... I feel off.
Yeah, I am officially manic I think. I am not even sure if this makes any sense. Just something I have been knocking around in my head.
I need to forgive him.
And I need to forgive myself for not getting out of the relationship sooner. I mean, he just wasn't right for me. I don't know what I was thinking. I am so freaking glad I got out when I did. Our marriage would have been a total disaster!
I am also tired of church and getting screwed over by churches. But that's a whole other story. I have no idea what to do about that one. I am so sick of people not being what they say they are. I know we can't just wear signs that objectively state our issues and attitudes. It's just that, well, I am totally tired of the bullcrap. I am tired of life some days. But I keep pressing on, because I know I have a purpose out there somewhere to fulfill.
I am sick of me getting sick of things. It's such a drag!
Phillippians 3:12-21 "I don't mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection! But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be. No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven.
I hope all of you who are mature Christians will agree on these things. If you disagree on some point, I believe God will make it plain to you. But we must be sure to obey the truth we have learned already.
Dear brothers and sisters, pattern your lives after mine, and learn from those who follow our example. For I have told you often before, and I say it again with tears in my eyes, that there are many whose conduct shows they are really enemies of the cross of Christ. Their future is eternal destruction. Their god is their appetite, they brag about shameful things, and all they think about is this life here on earth. But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior. He will take these weak mortal bodies of ours and change them into glorious bodies like his own, using the same mighty power that he will use to conquer everything, everywhere."
Sunday, August 28
That's right. Look at that smile. How could you resist that smile?
I had her leave some voice blogs on my site here, and I think they are pretty cute. Afterward, she asked why it [my audioblog] didn't talk to her.
Kids are funny.
Wednesday, August 24
I am getting my passport photos taken tomorrow. Or Friday. I am making the appointment for like a couple of weeks from now because I don't have the $$ to get it right away. Which will end up costing more money, but I am so behind on being able to pay bills that I cannot afford to get it yet. Stupid overdrawn checking account!
Side Note: Did you know that by mid-2006, all passports will be made with a computer chip in the back of them? I'm one step closer to being killed for not denying my faith.
I am really excited about going to Seattle, and it's almost unreal how quickly time is gaining on me. I still have a lot to get done. I need to go to my storage space and get stuff to sell. I wonder if anyone wants to buy my stereo and vacuum... I may even sell my dresser! I mean, I really need the money right now.
Anyway, I've been really tired lately and I am sick today. All I have wanted to do is sleep lately, it's been wierd. I cannot get to sleep at night, but I sleep until like 1 in the afternoon. (Don't tell Jack & Angel.) My cough is so bad that my throat burns. My head hurts, and I really want to go back to bed. But I am ignoring that voice and striving to get done what I need to get done.
I slacked too much this summer!
Anyway, I am having a lot of emotions right now about leaving. I am ready to go. I think I have had enough of Ohio for awhile. I want to get out and visit more places. But, I will miss my friends so dearly. I cannot imagine what life would have been like if not for Kiwi, Map, (o: Erica, Nate, Jeanna (and the other five Gina's,) Jason, Sarah, Rugz, Schertz, Luster & Amber, Izzy, SJ, Ms. Melissa, Ms. Jillian, Dave, Momma Judy and Daddy Richard, Pastor Mike & Dr. Dana, Pastor Tom and Trish, Aaron and Brandi, Jules, Brian & Rachael, Shuree, Tam-Tam, and the list goes on. I just don't know what things would be like without the countless people who have shaped my life over the past six years! But, I am ready to move on to this new adventure. I am ready to take on what God has for me. And while I am scared to death of taking this leap of faith, for surely it will be a rough journey at times, I know it is what God has for me. I know I will grow immensely from my experiences. And for that, I am truly excited!
Seattle, here I come!
Friday, August 19
I am so tired. And I mean. Dog. Tired. Especially after all that cleaning and stuff I did at the school today. But my mind is renewed with the love that God has for me.
I mean, sending angels to guard and protect me? Am I worth that? Heck yeah! I'm the daughter of the king. God thinks I am worth thousands of angels if I need it. That was a big excouragement for me. Thanks, Jeanna.
The Lord is my provider.
Genesis 22:14 (New Living Translation)
Abraham named the place "The LORD Will Provide." This name has now become a proverb: "On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided."
22:14 Hebrew Yahweh Yir'eh. (Jehovah Jireh)
Genesis 22:14 (The Message)
Abraham named that place GOD-Yireh (GOD-Sees-to-It). That's where we get the saying, "On the mountain of GOD, he sees to it."
Monday, August 15
Friday, August 12
For those of you wondering, here is the program I'll be going through starting in late September.
I am really excited to see how this works out. It will be amazing, I am sure.
Thursday, August 11
Wednesday, August 10
That's it. I guess...
Tuesday, August 9
I don't have the money to pierce my nose right now cause I still need to get my passport.
I sent off my application yesterday despite being out of checks. Luckily Jeanna wrote a check and I just gave her the $40.
Hopefully tonight I can work on my brochure that I will eventually hand out to people at my church and such. I am really excited to see what the response will be from those around me. It is going to be amazing!
I still feel pretty sad and heavy - hearted, but I am hanging on to the fact that God loves me and hasn't forgotten me.
I sent off my application and now I am going to wait for their response to everything. Of course, I am crazy nervous. I wonder what will happen.
I need to get my passport.
I need to get my storage space cleaned out and taken care of. I don't know if I am going to keep it or sell everything I can to help raise money for my DTS. I found out that my church won't be supporting me financially, which sucks, but I know that God will work in spite of that fact if this is his will. God will work in spite of a lot of facts in my life.
Like right now, all I want to do is go to bed. I want to go and cry. I've wanted to break down into tears all day, but I have held it in. I cried myself to sleep last night. I am so emotionally overwhelmed by my life that I just don't know what to do with myself!
I really think I may have a chemical problem in my body or something. I just can't seem to get it together emotionally. And this is a pattern that I need to work through, but I have been putting it off for years. I have been thinking that it will go away, but I really am tired of having these breakdowns. And I'm tired of hiding the fact that they exist. I mean, I spend a lot of time crying. And I am beginning to realize that it's not healthy to do so. I have huge problems with the way I get down on myself and down on my life. I am a depressive personality.
I need to pray as to how I can work on this side of me.
Sunday, August 7
I really have no idea, but I can tell you that I miss Becca so much I cried yesterday.
I feel all spiritually janked lately. I feel out of it or something. Like disgruntled with the church as a whole. Tired of people's faults. Stuff I have to get over if I am ever going to do anything ministry wise.
I feel really hurt by the whole boyfriend fiasco. I feel lied to. Betrayed. Like I never want to ever let anyone in again. But I know that's crap. I took a chance. Thank God I found out that things weren't going to work out when I did. Even though I am thankful, it still hurts. It hurts a lot. I am tired of everything being so hard. My life is so hard sometimes. Is there anything I can do to make it not be so much drama?
I just want it all to go away. I am tired of having to beg God for the same strength all the time. It's the suck. There's just so much going on. I feel like I am going to drown in it all.
I guess I am a little mad at you, God. I mean why can't things just be okay for me? I want to be able to provide for myself more than I do. I am so sick of being hurt and lied to. Please don't let me marry anyone that is going to hurt me all the time. I'd just rather be single than let that happen.
I hope that God really teaches me how to grow when I go to YWAM. Because I just can't take this crap anymore! I have completely lost control of things, and I am having trouble trusting God in it all. I just want to cry.
What is going on?!