Sunday, March 26
I went to their young adult meeting tonight and I realized something: I think I am ruined for churches for the rest of my life. Every time a preacher gets up to speak I find so many holes in things that are said. It bugs me. For instance, the pastor tonight was talking about when Jesus spoke to the Samaritan woman at the well. John 4:1-42.
He was making a point about how shocked the woman must have been when Jesus asked for her to fetch her husband. It just kind of bugged me that the pastor didn't know his cultural history. Bakc in those days it was totally socially inacceptable for Jesus to talk to this woman. One: he was a Jew and she was a Samaritan, a people thought unclean by the Jews. Two: he was a single man speaking to a woman in public. It would have been completely inappropriate for him to holla.
Which was the point of why Jesus said to her to go get her husband. He was playing the role of the socially acceptable Jew. In turn, that was even more odd because Jesus was mostly purposefully avoidant of socially acceptable practices and traditions. He ignored them to make a point. And it pissed off the people who added to the scriptures, making these social rules that begot legalism, which is why the people crucified him.
The pastor later made some really good points about being a socially relevant Christian in today's society, whcih were lost on me because of his previous misstatement.
And not to mention that after the meeting we all went to B-Dub's and discussed issues that are happening within the young adult ministry at their church. Which takes me back to the fact that the American church today has serious issues. And I had better leave it at that or I'll be typing all freaking night.
I had a good time, though. Those guys are pretty funny. And girls.
Friday, March 24
Wednesday, March 22
I am selling my CD collection, most of what's left of it after consolidating
three times already.
Buy my music piece by piece at these links:
I am also listing books, but that will take more time as I am currently
in the process of ridding myself of as much as I can from my storage space.
Which basically means I haven't gotten to my "book boxes" yet. Someday.
Seriously, help a sister out. I need to consolidate. I can't take all
this stuff to Colorado with me. Or South Africa for that matter.
The goal right now is to work and save as much as I can to get back into
a school in Denver where I just came from. Eventually I will end up in
South Africa again. And maybe some other countries. We'll all have
to wait and see.
I say thank you for even looking at the stuff I have listed. Thanks so much!
Monday, March 20
I'm sorry... Did you say something? I couldn't hear you over the tv, radio and internet running through my head.
Oh. Church. Yeah, it was still pretty wierd being there. So many issues. So little time. It's funny. My perceptions have changed so much in the last few months that I can spot crappy theology a mile away. And I realized yesterday morning that my church is full of that crappy theology at times. Some of the things being said were really wierd. Like, things that were said were so based in legalism that I wanted to throw up.
The title of the message was "Escaping the Bondage of Adventurism." My pastor talked about how escaping your life is not healthy, and being an adventure seeker is not healthy. Eh, I don't know if I agree with that last part. But when he said that seeking adventure is running from God and if you are running from God, it's because you're not sure if you're going to heaven. If I try to run from God, it's because I'm not saved? There are so many holes in that theology, I can't even think straight.
My pastor had a board member get up in front of the church and "give an announcement." He was announcing a "Members' Meeting," so he had all of the members stand up. Then he proceeded to tell them that all were expected to be at this members' meeting because it was their responsibility as a member of the church, they made a commitment to the church, and he personally expects everyone currently a member to be there. I half expected him to say that Vinnie and Johnny would come get those who did not show. I wonder what this meeting is going to be about. Oh that's right. Money. About how tithing is important, the building fund is all that matters, and that every member is all but required to pay these fees. The board member said that he personally begged and emplored each person to come because the state of the church is important to all of us. They have started printing the intake of money each week in the SUnday bulletin. I noticed that the mortgage on our new building is more than $14, 000 , and the church has only taken in $5000. I'm not sure if that is a week, a month or what. Regardless, I tell you, the focus on money here is nothing short of remarkable.
Yeah, the church is in trouble. But overzealous leadership made the church that way and now expects the congregation to fix it. Just my opinion. Makes me so sad to be a part of this. Something just isn't right. It's so off in fact to me, that I am praying about revoking my membership. I don't want to have anything to do with what they are standing for now. Preach the truth. Worry about being a healthy church. Everything else falls into place.
God told me to do something last week I didn't really want to do. He does that sometimes. The one thing I wanted when I went to South Africa was some jewelry. I bought a necklace there. I am wearing it in this picture:
It's a great necklace. I love it! I wore it to church last Sunday, and my pastor's wife said how beautiful it was. And God spoke to me that I needed to give it to her. I hesitated. But this week, I knew I had to obey God. This woman is very special to me. I have been pretty close to her the past few years. I love her. I admire her as a mom. She is a good woman. I don't always agree with her husband, but I try not to let that have an affect on our relationship. God told me to give her my most precious posession right now. That necklace represents the place I feel I belong. That necklace represents the country where God has placed my heart. That necklace makes me feel like a beautiful woman. I get a lot of compliments on it. But it's just a necklace. And I looked my pastor's wife in the eye, crying, and gave her that representaion of my calling. And she cried too when I explained to her what it means to me for her to have it.
Give. Give everything. Try to outgive God.
Today, I miss that necklace, oddly, but I know that I did the right thing. Anytime God speaks, listening and obeying, those aren't bad responses.
I miss my mates. Nine of which are in Mississippi right now. Doing the Gulf Coast Outreach. I'm very proud of them, and slightly jealous that they all get to have that experience together.
Saturday, March 18
I thought of you and something made my heart jump.
In the movie I watched, he told her it would be okay.
You said the same to me.
And I will never forget it.
You let me cry on your shoulder.
You let me be vulnerable.
You did not judge.
We have a deep connection.
Maybe not romantic.
And that's okay.
But something deep inside my heart misses you.
Without your smiling face things just aren't the same.
Not that my world is ending.
I have bigger fish to fry.
Often, I find myself thinking of you.
Often, I pray for you.
Often, I wish I could see you.
We have a deep connection.
There's no denying.
I can't allow myself to think of it as romantic.
Watching the flowing animation.
Greens, blues, and purples blend well as they mix.
And match my mood.
A tear rolled down my cheek.
That awkwardly familiar sobbing feeling filled my chest.
As I remembered you.
And you're the only man that told me.
You told me it would be okay.
You're the only man that told me that.
The others just said it.
You're the only one I've believed.
I wait, oh God.
I am stripped of it all.
Yet I am consumed by its lustre.
Consumed by its decadence.
Get me out of here.
I could become intoxicated.
I'm out of excuses.
I'm out of money.
I'm out of losses to count.
They are no more.
Where is the magnanimous?
I cannot see it coming.
A repetitive term.
Faith: belief in something.
Without logical proof.
Without material evidence.
Logic leads me away from you.
When I try to apply logic here.
In this situation.
So much is on my heart.
I am burdened.
I try not to think about it.
Because it makes me cry.
The burden of love for a people.
The burden of grace to freely bestow.
On the people.
Even though they aren't choosing him.
They are still his people.
He wants them to be his children.
And I am ready to be sent.
It doesn't apply here.
I see what I could be doing.
I see what my heart yearns to do.
How do the two fit?
How do I get from here to there?
How long must I wait?
Combien de temps?
Tuesday, March 14
I got to go out to eat with some friends afterward and that was so very cool that I can't even tell you. I really missed everyone. However, being here just reminds me that this is not my home. I don't feel right being here. It feels like a waiting room before I go back for the big appointment. You know what I mean? It's just crazy.
I am so freaking sick of being sick. I finally got to go to the doctor yesterday and I got some antibiotics. That was cool. I still feel like jank, but I am praying that this virus or whatever will pass soon. I slept all day again today. Not cool. I am not getting anything done here.
I did get some stuff from my storage space yesterday to sell. That will be good. I can list some old baseball cards and stuff. (I bet you never knew I collected baseball cards, did you?) I have some pretty good ones that may get some money. I am stoked about that, because I really need money.
Thankfully, God has been taking care of me in that department. I have been able to stay here at Jason & Sarah's and pretty much not have to pay anything. They are totally helping me out right now. I pray God blesses tham for it.
I need a car if I am going to get a job and stay here.
I need to get my storage space cleaned out if I am going to go to Indiana and then to Colorado.
I need to raise funds if I am going to do School of Worship this summer.
I need to stop trying to put a plan together myself and just let God do it.
I need to see some of my peeps from C-Bus before I leave here.
Friday, March 10
Anywya, I'm back in Ohio . I slept all day. Till like one o'clock. It was sweet. I'm staying at Sarah & Jason's. They bought me pizza for dinner, and I've been playing with the cutest baby in the world. Well, at least in Marion, Ohio.
Hey Ellie!! Who's my pretty girl??
I get to go to my church, Highpoint, on Sunday. We'll see how it goes. I really just want to withdraw my membership at this point. I am so disappointed in how things are done there sometimes.
But I love the people all the same.
I missed them.
All right. I gotta go act stupid with the baby. She's almost walking now!
Wednesday, March 8
And now we pause while Megan has an email emotional breakdown to one of her DTSMates...
I have literally no idea what I am going to be
doing in the next few months, so it's crazy. I found out that I can no longer
hand out pamphlets at church about what I am up to missions-wise; my pastor put
a stop to any of us young people being able to raise funds there. I barely made
it through DTS... So, I have no idea if I will be doing SOW or Phase II or not.
I am totally not sure what the deal is with my life. I thought DTS
would jump start it, but it turns out that the brakes are on. Which I don't
I feel so lost. I don't know where my home is, I
have no money, I am so frustrated with my parents I almost never want to see
them again. My dad started drinking again and my mom has started pulling stunts
on me again trying to get me to do what she wants me to do. She's been a nut bag
on the phone the past few times I've talked to her.
I don't feel like Ohio is home anymore either.
It's wierd being back here. Good to see everyone, but wierd.
Becca still has my car in Colorado and it has something wrong with it and neither of
us have the money to fix it. I feel so lost in all of this crap. What am I
supposed to do? No clue. I have no freaking clue. But I know God hasn't
forgotten me or left me. That's the only thing getting me through.
I'd love to groundhog day the last six months. I want to
be together with most of my DTSMates so much that I cry looking at pix and
stuff. I want to be in South Africa so badly I can hardly stand it. I'm not home
yet. I don't even know where home is anymore. Eck. Ugh. I don't like
I'm just feeling really out of sorts right
now. I thought coming to Florida would help me have some answers, but they are
not coming either. And I can't fill the hole that these spacious relationships
has left. Nothing makes me feel better. I still go to bed at night in a big bed.
Alone. God! I feel so alone. It's hard letting God fill the
hole because I just feel like disconnected from everyone. It's hard to feel
close to him too.
Why am I crying? Why am I telling you all of
this? Crap. I guess I am in dramatic mode. I just feel so off. And nobody
freaking understands what I am going through. Maybe talking to or seeing JD when
I am home will help. Yeah, I know he has to understand at least a little. Cause
I know that at least some of the rest of my DTSMates are going through this too.
It just sucks tonight.
I'm gonna go read some psalms.
Sunday, March 5
I will be back in Ohio for an unknown amount of time starting Wednesday. I think I am going to stay with Jason and Sarah for a little while until I work things out for going back to Indiana. Not sure what I am going to do. But these things take time to work out. Hopefully, I can sell some stuff from my storage space when I get back. I need some moolah.
Side note: I researched today and a ticket to Cape Town is only $1047. I thought it would be way more expensive than that. Just daydreaming. Wishing I was there. But there are a lot of steps between here and there. I have a lot to learn. Hopefully I will pass the test put before me, because I am fairly certain that's what all of this is. One big, fat test.
Who knows what the deal is, but I am trying to make small steps, despite my humanness to do what God is calling me to in the small seasons I get to be with people. Or maybe this is one big season of rapid change. Either way, I am in it and that's all I can do is just be.
Yep. That's me. Rollin' with the flow.
Thursday, March 2
Wednesday, March 1
That's right. Florida here I come.
I need a break. Seriously, I have had so much on my mind that I cannot even focus on the Lord. I haven't really spent time with him lately. But it's one of those times in life I guess. I have been so busy visiting and taking care of my parents that I haven't had time to think. Or relax.
I am so glad to have a chance to breathe.
Kingdom dollar baby!