Fire the sign guy.
Tuesday, May 31
The people I hang out with in Ohio for the most part do not get upset or annoyed with little stuff, so I have become accustomed to - for the most part - not caring what people think in that respect. If someone gets upset over something stupid that I do, that's his problem. It's not mine. I am not responsibile for anyone else's actions. I do what I want. (It's not like I'm morally inept, after all.) I have a serious relationship with Christ and that prevents me from having to worry about trivial things like whether someone who is totally drama and/or high strung is going to freak out if I do a certain little thing. I mean, I have a life to live, you know? If I spend it worrying about whether or not so and so is going to freak out if I leave my bookbag on the table, I'll squander time I could be spending saving the world. (I am a super after all.) Haha!
I don't know if that all made sense, but I am willing to compromise without changing who I am. I'll bend to suit others' needs, but if they are acting like a child, I am not budging. I will not enable bad behavior. I have applied the things I do with my mother to my life as a whole, I think.
In none of this am I saying that I am perfect. I could always use work. Duh. I am just not going to cater to people when they are acting like brats. They can grow up. That's how I see it. With people like that one can never win. I have learned this lesson the hard way: whatever I try to do to prevent someone from erupting in an emotional freakout will probably cause them to freak out even more because I am trying too hard. No matter what happens, they may go off about some little thing, because that is their struggle. Again, not my problem. If someone has issues dealing with that kind of thing, I'll let God deal with them on it.
However, I have come to realize that when dealing with certain people, I revert back to old Megan quite quickly when old buttons are pushed. For that, I am sad.
I even cussed a few times this week, and it wasn't quoting what someone else said, either. Which is just not like me.
I need to go home and really deal with some issues I have noticed in myself. I feel really inadequate right now. I feel like I let God down too, which really makes me sad.
I know he still loves me and all that. I just feel like I let him down this week. I need healing to remedy that.
God? Yeah, um, I screwed up. Please forgive me and help me to not have this bad attitude again, okay? I need your help. I feel like a loser right now, because I know short tempers and being super prissy is not my style. I am so not like this usually. This is not who you say I am. However, it's who I've been the past few days. I'm really disappointed in myself. Show me what is wrong and what I'm doing incorrectly, so we can work on it together. I really want to change this behavior, because I want to be more like Jesus. Thanks. I love you, dad.
Monday, May 30
After church we went back to Julie's, ate leftovers, and we all napped. For like 3 hours.
Upon waking we all got ready and went to eat Indian food at Ghandi Indian Restaurant. It was so good. Julie hated it. She ate a spice and freaked out on us, but Gina and myself enjoyed every bite. My mouth waters at the mention of lamb curry. It is so amzingly good. Love the stuff.
Tomorrow, it's off to the strip to see Madame Tussaud's, the fountains at Bellagio, Sirens of TI and the cheesiest possible giftshop we can find.
I lovee cheesy touristy giftshops. Love 'em.
I have been thinking of getting my nose pierced while I am here. Random, but I have wanted to do it since I was like 15. I finally have a job where I can wear that kind of thing. No job. Heh heh. I don't know if I will do it or not. Kind of a thing I have been throwing around in my head.
Also, Julie bought a MiniDV camera. And I have geek envy. Oh, I want a digital video camera so badly. Especially for my DTS/outreach. How cool would it be to film the kids I work with instead of just taking pictures of them?
I got hit on by some random guy at a 7Eleven tonight. Look, I am not coming to the west coast without getting a Slurpee, okay? On the way out some old guy was like, "You've got nice dimples. Dimples always were my weakness, baby." I hate it when guys call me baby. It's icky. It makes me feel dirty. I don't know. It might be different with my husband someday, but for right now, not so much.
So, I called Ben twice today. What the jank? I have talked to him at least once a day while out here and also emailed him some days. I am so smitten, it's not even funny. He's just so amazing. So good for me. I cannot even explain what God has been able to teach me about myself because I am speding time with Ben. It's just so awe - inspiring.
My heart hurts being away from him right now. What's that about? It's just, like, so painful. I am enjoying my time in Nevada, but I am also ready to see him again. I totally welled up with tears today when I thought about him. So, I called him and busted up his time with his friends. Which I feel kind of badly about. I just had to hear his voice; I miss him dearly.
When I talk about this "Ben stuff," Gina's hubby, Ryan, says, "Ew! You're getting your happy all over me!"
I'm actually happy about this relationship business too. I'm so over freaking out about it. And it's totally God's doing, because I was ready to live it up and stay single. It's so cool that God did that for me. Hmmm...
Sunday, May 29
Me in front of the mountains outside Vegas.
I took this pic right before we went into church.
We went to two churches this morning. Both were great! We just wanted to explore and see what LV has going on in the JC Department.
One can meet the Lord anywhere, regardless of worship style. It's okay to prefer one style over another, however, it's not okay to put other "styles" of worship down. God really showed me that this is an attitude in myself I need to change.
Check out either one of these churches if you happen to stop by the Las Vegas area. They both have a good amount of young people in the church. If you're into more free worship, I recommend going to The Church at South Las Vegas. It was amazing!!
Saturday, May 28
We went to an outlet mall (gasp!) and then got bored and drove to Cali.
Gina and I have never been to California. So, we drove through a chunk of the Mojave Desert and then turned around and came home cause we were hungry for some dinner.
We started to stop at this diner to eat, but they had a dog running around the restaurant. (No, thank you! Gross.) We booked it back home to Vegas.
Vegas? Home? Heh heh.
I love how people drive here. They don't play around. The speed limit was 70. We were going like 80, and people were literally flying past us. Awesome!
I think that's why God may never make me rich because I would be a total fashionista. Of course, to be a Prada fashionista, I'd have to pay for plastic surgery and a personal trainer so I could wear the women's clothes. Or the men's clothes for that matter. That label thinks men are all 5'10" and 140 pounds. Yeah, right, Prada! Well, all labels think that I guess.
Women are scantily clad. This is not a place of purity, that's for sure. I kind of felt like a Disney character walking into a porn theater, you know? Ugh. That makes me shudder.
Anyway, we went to the Hard Rock and ate. Cheaply. It was cool. I guess everyone from LA comes into Vegas on the weekends because every beautiful person in the entire world was there. I'm a Barbie girl; in a Barbie World! It was really humbling. At moments I felt self conscious. I mean, I did not have on the most structured skirt, so I kinda felt fat to be honest. But I tried to push that idea out of my head. I need to do my thing you know? Quit comparing myself to others.
It's so easy to forget about my outreach mind and just get all caught up in what others think sometimes. I mean, truly, self - consciousness can keep me from reaching out and doing the little acts of servanthood that bring me so much joy. When I feel ugly or fat or gross or whatever, I tend to withdraw from the part of me that really thinks with a mission mind. It's wierd that I would even be able to notice what drives me to back away from that calling... But I guess it's cool too. Good that Christ has helped me to know myself that well, I guess.
I haven't really done my devotions in like 3 or 4 days and I know that has been contributing to my foul moods and snippy - ness with Gina. So, we plan on doing our devotions together tomorrow morning.
I need some JC Juice!
Please, Lord, rain your holy spirit upon me. I need your grace today and everyday, so I can shine your light to others.
Part of me is ready to go home. I miss Ohio. I miss my friends. I miss waking up to Gracie & Josh in the morning!
I miss Ben. I have found myself incapable of denying the fact that I'm missing him, and I want to see his smile. Yeah, I'm smitten. I'm in deep smit.
Friday, May 27
I bought some sweet shirts at Torrid today. I would buy most of my clothes there if there was one at home. That store rocks my socks! And the lb here has sale racks unlike the crappy Polaris store in Columbus. So, whatever, Lane Bryant. Get it together! Stopped into Avenue as well, but Avenue is just not that cool to me anymore.
I am totally jet - lagged. My sleep is so out of whack. I figure that by the time I get back to normal, it will be time to leave.
We didn't make it to the Bellagio today due to some errands we had to run. Hopefully, we will make it tomorrow. I am super excited to go. I also really want to go to the Mirage and see the dolphins and tigers, (Oh my!) as well as the volcano eruption.
The Madame Tussauds wax museum is a must as well. That one cannot be missed. I want to marry George Clooney!!
I love Vegas. Seriously, people here are super friendly because no one who lives here is from here. You know? It's pretty neat; there are huge opportunities for outreach.
Speaking of outreach, Gina and I are going to tour the YWAM base on Tuesday because we could not make it today. We are going on Tuesday now.
Oh, Gina and I didn't kill each other. Luckily, we can just deal with each other in high stress situations, so this is pretty much cake. But it is funny that we kept getting scrappy and then apologizing profusely. All. Stinking. Day. Haha! We just need to sleep and chill - ax a little more.
Speaking of sleep... Good night.
Thursday, May 26
I'm jet - lagged and tired, but I cannot sleep. I drank caffeine today. Three, count them, three, glasses of Pepsi. (Bad Meggie!) I have been trying to cut caffeine out of my diet for like 2 months. Mistake drinking it today of all days...
So now I am tired, feeling sick to my stomach and really wanting to get some shut eye. However, my brain is wide awake. Where's the freakin' off switch?!
Side Note: If I drop something, I may say "frick," and I have realized that people think I am cussing. It could kill my Christian integrity with some. My mom said that I have no right to tell her not to cuss at me if I say things like "frick" or "frickin' ". You know, I think she may be right. Ben thought he heard me drop an f - bomb the other day, which I really don't think I said. Not that he would lie about it, I just don't think I said it. But if I said "frick," I could see how he might think that I said the other word. So, I think I need to stop saying that word, "frick." And drinking caffeine. Both of which I have tried to stop lately, but I am having a little difficulty. Ugh. Pepsi. Stinkin' nectar of the gods! They just make it too tasty.
I am totally sleepy. My head hurts, but I took some Excedrin earlier. Crap! That has caffeine in it, doesn't it? Maybe that's why my brain is overactive.
Vegas is crazy. Lights as far as the eye can see. Then a mountain range. I kind of feel like I am in another country because everything looks so different. Every house and apartment complex is stucco. Not a fan of stucco. On the strip, every sign is lit up like mad at night; it's completely gorgeous. Even the CVS has a sign out front that looks like a casino sign!
Why does prime rib only cost $6.95 in Vegas? :)
I cannot wait to go to the shops at the Bellagio tomorrow. There is a Tiffany & Co. there. Ooooooohhh. Yay! I like to shop. Even if I don't have a lot of money to spend, I like to shop. I am such a girl, or a recovering tomboy. Whatever.
Julie's apartment is so pretty. I really like the design of it. The floors in the kitchen and bathroom are a dark color of wood . Very chic. Her bathroom is huge and it has a mirror that covers the entire wall. We went out to eat tonight and all three of us got ready at the same time in the bathroom! Plus, the dog was in there with us cause he wanted attention. Hey, there's no way I can put on lipgloss and pet a dog at the same time. Sorry, Ziggy.
We ate at a casino buffet that was pretty darn good. I enjoyed it. Vegas has good eats everywhere. We saw all kinds of good restaurants. We so have to go to In&Out Burger while we're here. I've heard they have good food, but I've never been to one of those reataurants.
We rode the elevator to the top of the Stratosphere Hotel & Casino tonight. (That's the place that looks like the Seattle Space Needle.) The view was phenomenal! It made me well up with respect for God, because I felt so anonymous, being above all those lights. But God never thinks of me anonymously. He thinks of me as an individual, in spite of all the people on the earth. How cool is that?! I felt so small looking down and realizing my size in comparison to the whole earth. How I feel is irrelevant to the truth of God's love for me. Amazing that in "Sin City" I could even have time to think of God in that way.
Tomorrow, Gina and I are going to tour the Vegas YWAM base. (Technically offices.) Wooooooohoooooo! I am so excited! I really want to talk to the staff about their programs. How cool would it be to do a W.I.S.E. School here? It would be so awesome if I could do that. As long as it's not in the summer, cause Vegas is totally too hot. Haha!
It was 107 degress at one point today. No, thank you. I'm not complaining. Just saying. That's when one tends to sweat standing still. No, thank you.
I wish I could go see Tom Jones while I am here. I love Tom Jones.
Uh, that was random.
Whoa! I just realized that if I go by Ohio time, I am technically up at 5:15am!!
Tuesday, May 24
My mom called me yesterday morning. She can never seem to wait for me to call her. I said I would. What's her problem? Doesn't she trust that I am a woman of my word? Maybe that's why I always make integrity a high priority in my life. I have had to, because my mom won't let it be. Hmmm... Random revelation.
Anyway, she got mad at me because I wasn't coming over when she wanted me to in order to get my childhood toys that she has now decided that she doesn't want to store for me anymore. She's been calling me about it every day for the past I think, week, wanting to know what my plans are for getting them. She has been holding those things over my head, trying to get me to feel guilty for burdening her with my stuff. It's like she has to plan everything for me, a control freak. She always makes "appointments" with people as if she knows who I want to visit when I get home and who I don't. Well, after throwing a hissy that I wasn't doing things her way, she hung up on me. Not exclusively hung up, just saying "Well, I gotta go" and hanging up without waiting for me to respond. Same thing I guess. After a few minutes of ranting to Gina, I decided to call her back and she didn't answer her phone. She probably did it just to screw with my head.
I was angry, but at the situation. I am so tired of everything being straight drama. Can't I just come back home and have it be an even keel trip? What's up with that? My mom gets all these crazy ideas and tries to push them on me, making it harder to be around her. When she feels an emotion, she tries to pass it on to me. I've had enough of that.
So, I went for hours with no call back. I am not playing these games with her.If she doesn't answer, she's gonna miss her chance. I am not going to let her manipulate me. Forget that. She wants me to call and beg her to answer her phone. She wants me to leave voicemail after voicemail, begging her to call me back. Not happening. I'm an adult now.
What does she do then? She calls me in the late afternoon, asking for a phone number of someone in my family that I never talk to. She knows I don't have that number. She just called to twist and manipulate. She got done with asking about the number and said, "While I have you on the phone, what time are you coming over to get that [insert expletive]?" Seriously, she quit cussing around me when she started going to church, but since she found out that I am going to YWAM, she started cussing again. Just to get a rise out of me. She's oppressed. She doesn't even know that she's in darkness. I pray for a revelation in her spirit.
So, I told her I would come over today and get it. Lots of arguing took place to get to that point, but I really don't have the energy to explain it all. I told her that I couldn't come over last night because I had plans with my cousin Jordan to go over and hang out with her. I haven't hung out with just her in like years. If ever. And since her dad died last January, I really wanted to go over and try to connect with her. I love that girl. We are two peas in a pod at times. I had a really good time just talking and chilling with her. We talked a lot about our family and how ridiculous they acted when Uncle Bob was on his deathbed and at the funeral. They cannot even keep it together long enough to mourn the loss of their family. It's pretty unfortunate. I just listened, because I know she needed to vent. I told her, "If you don't like it, change it by breaking the cycle." I hope that she does. I hope she does not follow in the footsteps of our previous generations. That would suck.
It was fun, though, and I think it was good that I made the effort to visit. My Uncle Jerry called while I was talking to Jordan and her mom in the driveway, and I called him back when I was in the car. He wanted to have me over for dinner, but I had just eaten. What he said was really touching, emotionally stirred by what I am dealing with in my life right now. (Unbeknownst to me, he is an avid reader of my blog.) It meant a lot to me that he called. I wish we called each other more often. I know. If you don't like it, change it! I do need to follow my own advice. Evidently, my mom called him and said she was mad at me because I hadn't been to see her yet. Hmmm - I wonder why?
Made me mad. What right does she have to act that way? It's ridiculous. I don't have to see her. I can easily avoid her if I want. But I do try, and it's never good enough. When I thought that, I started to cry. So, then I prayed, and when I had sufficiently begged God for his power to help me overcome this adversity, I thought of Ben.
I mean, is he sure he wants to date me? Seriously, with how my family is? Do I really want to drag him, or anyone for that matter, through all of this? It's too much sometimes for me, and I've had practice. So, I called him, and here is the gist of what transpired.
him: Hey, Megan, how are you doing?
me: I'm all right. Hanging in there.
I just hung out with my cousin and we talked about Uncle Robert and the funeral and stuff. I'm glad I did it, but it was hard. I miss my uncle. My mom hung up on me this morning, and I am just not up to all of this. It is always so hard to come back here. It's so not my home anymore.
You'll be okay. We can make it through this.
Are you sure you want to date me?
I mean it. Are you sure? (I realize that I am being a girl, here, people.)
Megan, I'm sure.
I mean, my mom is all crazy. My family is not normal, they tend to fistfight at funerals. They cuss each other out... I love them and it's really freaking hard for me. My family, mostly my mom & dad are the biggest struggles and hurdles in my life right now. The biggest! And most of my other struggles, the smaller ones stem from that great big one. My relationship with my mother is a huge problem for me.
I don't have to date your mother, do I? Seriously, it's nothing we can't work through. I will definitely pray for you and your mother, that God will help you work it out. If we start believing the Lord, we'll be able to. I believe in Christ's healing power, and I know that he will help us get through it.
I'm sorry to make you say it, but I really needed to hear that. I wanted to make sure. Thank you.
My boyfriend is a - stinkin' - mazing!
And... I finally shared my blog link with him. I considered changing some stuff, editing my posts, but there's no point in holding that stuff back anymore. I want to be real, open and honest, and I cannot do that if I hold a part of me back. That is essentially lying to him, and definitely not my style.
Either he'll read it and like me more, or he'll read it and want to break up with me. Hahaha!
Monday, May 23
I got up this morning, having packed last night (Thank you, Ben, for reminding me!) and got in the shower. I woke up praying this morning. I was in such a good mood! It was awesome. I think I got just the right amount of sleep.
When I got dressed, Josh came out of his parents' bedroom and told me happy birthday. Grace came out just then, naked, and told me happy birthday. Then she said that I had birthday muffins downstairs. What a great way to start the day! We all sat down and ate banana muffins together before heading off to service.
Service was absolutely amazing this morning! I prayed on Friday night for a spirit of worship to fall upon me, and God answered my prayer. I have been totally juicified lately, completely into worship and not caring what anyone thinks of me. I sure didn't make that change. God did it. I couldn't sit down this morning, and I really didn't care what that looked like to everybody else in the congregation. I was just into expressing my love for Christ.
Our General Superintendent was speaking this morning, in town from Kansas City. (He's kinda like a pope is in the Catholic Church, except with a lot less control. There are 6, I think, GS's total at Nazarene Headquarters.) This guy could so speak. He was to the point, funny, energetic, and he totally kept my attention. At the end of the service, he asked for people to come up and pray if they had something they wanted to let go of. My friend asked me to go up with her, and I was super excited! I have not seen her go up front and pray at a service in a long time. It was so awesome! I laid hands on her and prayed, speaking what I felt God was laying on my heart to say. It's so awe - inspiring how God works. After the service, she told me that what I prayed was dead on for what she went up to seek Christ for. Wonderful is the Lord!
Ben took me to go meet Ryan and Gina for lunch. We ended up meeting at Chipotle, the best burrito place ever! I stinking love that place. I don't care who you are, you haven't had a burrito until you've had one there. I had a good time just hanging out with them and Brian and Rachel. It was so good to see them all on my birthday before heading off for the Nevada precursor.
Ben is so sweet. He took everyone's tray up afterwards and helped me load my three rather small bags into the car, as I have to buy a suitcase tomorrow. (Gina says I "pack like a girl", but I packed less than her for this trip. So there!) Ben was impressed with what little I had packed. How funny the different opinions one can get from different sources are. I gave him a hug and told him goodbye; it feels so right to be in his arms.
I told a few people at church this morning, including the woman who set us up, that Ben and I are officially a couple now. We're dating, courting, whatever you want to call it. It felt right. Something deep inside of me is really at peace with us being serious. Which is cool. I know that God changed my heart about this relationship because part of me wasn't willing to let go of my usual comfort, even though I am pretty comfortable being with Ben. How strange is the human psyche?
Gina, Ryan and I had so much fun going to Trader Joe's at Easton, stopping by my aunt's house and eating at Joe's Crab Shack in Louisville. I had a great disdain for Joe's Crab Shack based on a previous experience at that restaurant, but I now look at the establishment with a new fondness. I tried crab legs, as in "in the shell", for the first time tonight. Those little buggers are creepy. The legs kept moving and touching me when I would pick them up. Gross! I didn't think I was going to be able to eat them. I kept dropping them because I just couldn't stand the feel of the exoskeleton in my hand. It made me shudder! I was really trying to tough it out, and I eventually did. However, I had a few bumps along the way.
We sat outside on the pier, I mean Ohio River. (A view I am accustomed to as I lived in Evansville for the first twenty years of my life.) But the fun we had laughing together was really amazing. I miss Gina and Ryan so much, and I really wish that they were in Columbus. There is a reason that God has placed them in Eville though and that is a purpose demanding fulfillment.
We got all sugared up on "bananas foster" and then laughed our heads off the last hour or so home. (What Joe's calls Bananas Foster, is an ice cream enchilada. I don't care who you are.) We had some stinky shoes in the car, an emergency potty break to make and a few pictures to share by mobile. Oh, I just like being silly and letting loose sometimes. It's so good for the soul and I am so thankful that I have friends that I can be that way with. Ryan & Gina are true friends. I love them dearly.
I am super excited to see Jules, but I have to admit that I really miss Ben right now. I wish he were here. He sent me an e - card that I just got and it is so sick! Funny and flirty and stinkin' cute! I just can't take it. He makes me smile. I really like him!
I may not post again until after Nevada, just in case you are wondering. So much will be going on that I will want to record, but I need to take a break from blogging so I can spend time with Julie and Gina.
I am really excited to go into Vegas and window shop! I probably won't buy much, but I do have a birthday gift card to spend! Gina and I are going to visit the YWAM base in Vegas which I am totally stoked about. I wish that we could take part in a day outreach, but that did not work out after all. We'll still go visit though.
Anyway... until Ohio!!
Sunday, May 22
Ben got me flowers last night. We're calling ourselves a couple now. There's no use in holding back saying that we are, because to the untrained eye, we look like a couple. If it looks like a duck... Hee hee hee.
I have a boyfriend; I'm giddy, and I've earned it! I'm going to chill and enjoy this.
Saturday, May 21
At Harp and Bowl tonight, I totally started off the service with a rebellion. I totally didn't want to get into worship. But not after too long, I was totally enthralled. Engrossed in the presence of the lord. And God moved. He changed me tonight. I can't even articulate it, but he did.
At one point in the service, I walked up to Ben and wrapped my arms around his waist. We just stood there for a really long time singing to God and holding each other. With my head on his chest I could feel his heartbeat. I felt it beat faster and faster. And I realized that in the few short weeks that he has known me, his feelings run deep already. I felt God saying to me, "That's how I feel when you let me hold you." It was not audible, but I know that's how God felt at that moment with me. It's like God is totally enraptured with me. He is. And he sent me Ben so I could know the love of my heavenly father. And for other reasons, but you know how it is...
Just chillin'. Takin' it slow. We're not even officially a couple yet.
Please don't say, "We're talking," I think that phrase is so wierd.
Friday, May 20
But the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob grants peace. He promises that he will supply my every need. So I swallow my pride, which is what drives my annoyance at inconvenience anyway, and I say, "Thank you, God, for the wonderful day you have given me."
Sometimes you just have to sigh and realize that you're not always going to have complete control, and you have to be okay with that.
Thursday, May 19
And I totally release my "feelings" or whatever for guy #2. Only Christ can clean them from my heart, and they need to be cleaned. It's time. I am so over it.
I was in a wierd mood on Tuesday, feeling like ranting and I really had no reason to be so touchy. I just think too much sometimes and it makes me feel like a failure for like no reason at all. Not to mention the fact that I had my past looming over my head. Ugh. Who wants that?! That's not how God intended for us to live. The enemy just gets into my ears and starts whispering sometimes, filling my head with lies and fueling my insecurity.
Satan! He ticks me off.
Harp and Bowl conference
Going to group with Ben
Brian's birthday cookout
Hanging with Gina & Ryan
Going to Indiana
Seeing Jules after like a year
Hmmm... I should buy luggage for the plane. I don't have any.
Wednesday, May 18
Tuesday, May 17
Sometimes I am afraid to let people get close because I am afraid of getting hurt. I am so scared of being abandoned that I just would rather people stay away. A guy friend of mine told me the other day that I put off a "don't come near me" vibe and that's why guys haven't been into me for the past couple of years. Which I guess is true. But it still made me feel like a fool.
I have had some major crushes the past couple of years, but nothing has come of them. One I am still holding onto while trying to give Ben a chance. This just can't work. I have to find a way to get closure on this other "thing" before I get too into this friendship/possible relationship with Ben.
I need to let this other person go. He's had well over a year to make a move and he hasn't. Myself and this other guy are not really spiritually compatible. He's just not into Jesus in the same way I am. He's committed, but his heart seems far from it. I know that he's a leader, but he struggles with his own gifts. He's afraid to step out because I think he has been hurt more than anyone knows. He's super smart and challenges me in a lot of ways. He's way musical and that is an amazing thing, but his heart is traditional, "normal", suburbian, boring... I guess in spite of all that, I have come to the point where I am trying to put Ben into a box that looks like this other guy. It's so unfair to both of them really.
I am truly freaking out because I am into a guy that is just as interested in me as I am in him. He may possibly be more interested in me than I am in him. I'm scared. And we're not even really a couple yet. I mean, we're hanging out and taking it slow, but I am still scared. To. Death.
And I feel kind of helpless. And ticked off that things never work out like I think they are. I'm sick of frickin' curveballs.
Monday, May 16
Sunday, May 15
I ended up going to help out my friend with her kids last night instead of hanging out with Ben, which he was fine with. That's a good sign when he can be cool with me putting my priorities in line. My priority in this sitch is to serve God by serving others. I am glad that Ben is an understanding person. It's a sign of maturity, and definitely a mark of his character.
I did hang out with him today. He got to meet the "xsis" crew, so that was cool. I'm not sure how much he felt like he fit in though, but that's okay. I am just glad he got to meet them.
I told my mom that I met this really cool guy, and pretty much all she had to say was maybe he would bring me to my senses about going to Seattle. It of course does make me feel badly because I just want her to accept me. Still. Even though I have never felt that from my mother at all, I still want it. I still want her to like me for who I am. Sometimes I hate myself for caring so much what she thinks. Why does it matter? I serve the living God, not some woman, whether she is my mother or not. You know? I just want her to like me. I want her to be proud of me for what I'm doing with my life.
Little does she know that Ben encourages the idea of me going to my DTS, despite what our friendship may bloom into. He's earned points in that category as well. We have so much in common that it's scary.
I have to admit that part of me is scared that once he finds out what I came from, he may want to tag out. Part of me thinks that he'll run when he finds out what my parents are like. But he has Christ, who loves truly unconditionally, to guide him through the process of hearing about my parents. And if the time comes... uh... meeting them.
Okay, I have to go to bed now. I'm officially emotionally overwhelmed.
Saturday, May 14
Hanging out with Ben tomorrow night, and we're going to Vineyard's Saturday night service. I am totally stoked, because I love Vineyard's worship. It's freakin' awesome! Jen is coming. She really needs Christian friends right now, so I'm honored to take her. Hanging out with Ben has opened up opportunities for my friends to branch out a little. Jeanna said she'd love to go to his small group all summer. It's a Vineyard/Joshua House group, so it makes me happy that she is open to God's way, not just the doctrine she grew up with. You know what I'm saying? Not all people will do that. Some people put God in a box. I really respect Jeanna for sharing things like that with me. It's cool! Her friend, Lauren, came too and she liked it. Lauren and Jeanna will both be here most of the summer from college, and I hope that we can all hang out a lot. That would rock!
Yeah, so SJ flies back from CLC in Cali on Sunday I hear. I am so excited to see her! We have grown pretty tight over the past year. She is going to a deliverance conference with me this summer, which not many of my buds would go to that due to the "pentecostal" nature of it. Which is hard sometimes that not all of my friends get involved in stuff that I'm into. Some of them just do whatever they think is cool and I have to cross to "their" way of thinking, not always wanting or intending to change other people's beliefs. Which I gladly do, they are my friends. It's just lonely sometimes when I have to do things by myself because I know other people won't be into it. So, it's cool that Ben is a friend and into that stuff. It's so cool that he's into Jason Upton. So cool.
Things seem to be going really well right now and I am super excited about that! I know it won't last forever, so I am just along for the ride. Which is odd, because I am usually waiting for the ball to drop. Thanks, God, for helping me see how you have changed my heart. You're so amazing, and I love you so much.
Friday, May 13
It's been so long since I was into someone like this. And this is even different because Ben is totally about God and God's will for him. I've never been interested in a guy like him before.
I like him. Deal with it.
Thursday, May 12
Who am I?
I had a great time with Ben tonight! He is a really neat person, and spiritually we have a lot in common. We share a lot of the same interests as well.
I met a few of his Vineyard friends tonight at dinner that I didn't meet at group last week, and they were really cool too. The wierd thing is, I actually feel like I fit with these people. It's the strangest thing. I usually feel like I don't fit when I am in groups, like no matter what I say, it's going to be obvious that I am not cool enough to be hanging out with the group I'm around. That did not happen tonight at all. I didn't feel out of place in my own skin. I didn't feel like I was a total dork. I didn't really care what anybody thought. I was actually carefree for once. I was able to be myself.
At one point, I closed my eyes, thinking that when I opened them I would be lying in bed, waking from a dream. I tried to think, "Surely this isn't my life," but I didn't feel that way like I usually do. When I opened my eyes, I was sitting in front of hot green tea and Philadelphia Rolls. I thought to myself, "This fits for some odd reason. Do I...? Yes, I think I may actually like this guy." I'm not saying that he is "the one" or whatever, so don't get all crazy. I'm just saying it's not completely janked. Which is a totally new experience for me.
I am so glad I am giving Ben a chance. I'm giving myself a chance too. Thank you, Jesus, for letting me meet him. No matter where our relationship leads, I want to thank you for letting me meet him. Even if we just end up friends, I praise you for it.
God is so cool, because he is actively involved the lives of his people! He is not a "sit on the sidelines" kind of god; he brings his A - Game!
And thanks for verbally kicking by butt, Judy.
Tuesday, May 10
She told me that I need to give people a chance more than I do. I try to keep people at arm's length sometimes for reasons that don't really make sense. Ever have one of those conversations where what the person is saying makes so much sense that you can't even speak? Try as you may, there are no words with which to argue? That was me tonight. I just couldn't argue with her at all. What she said was such truth that I felt God impressing upon me to listen. So I did.
And I ended up calling the guy I went out with last week. His cell went straight to voicemail. So, I told him that I called to say "hi" and I wanted to know if he wanted to go see Episode III with my friends and I. He called back within two minutes, and said that he would love to go see the movie with us. (Whew!) Then he told me that it was funny I called because he was just thinking of calling me.
Tomorrow is his birthday and he and some friends are going out to Otani for sushi. I never say no to sushi. I don't care who you are. Ask me to go eat sushi, and I am so in.
So, I am seeing him again tomorrow. I'm a little nervous and cannot believe that I am going out with him again. When did I decide that dating was cool? I have been running from guys for so long, but here I am getting to know one in a dating context. It's kinda cool - and crazy - all at the same time.
We shall see what happens...
I gave out my reference forms for my DTS, and two out of the three have been returned via post because I had them addressed wrong. The third one will come back too, if my pastor ever sends it off.
When the first one came back in the mail a couple of weeks ago, I immediately wanted to open it and read what my "second mom" said about me. But I quickly remembered that I had signed the top of it, stating that I waived my right to look at the form after it had been filled out. I am pretty sure that Judy would not care if I did read it. She is pretty open about what she thinks my flaws are. I am sure it would be nothing I didn't know already.
Today I checked my post box and the form I had given to my close friend, Dave, came back. Dave used to be my boss when I worked at the PAX station, and he has been nothing but honest about what he thinks of me. Part of me wants to read what he wrote about me though. There's an air of mystery about this man. He's an amazing person, having spent a lot of time listening to me grumble, cry and emote, but he does hold himself back from me sometimes. Which is where the "mystery" comes in to play. It leaves me wanting to crack open that wall and find out the truth about what he is thinking. Of course, I am completely respectful and would never push him to share more than he would share on his own, unless I felt that God was impressing upon me to prod further. It's not like I don't know what he thinks of me, but it's just the security of seeing it written on paper to total strangers. Lord knows I can't just ask him to tell me what he really thinks of me. He'd freak. I just know he'd freak. And I can't say I would blame him, because that would be something the typical, lame girl does. I am above such things, but I sure will consider it for a moment. Haha! The bottom line is, if I read what Dave wrote, I would have to tell him, because if I didn't that would be essentially lying. I signed my name saying that I wouldn't read the paper, and I am a woman of my word.
Plus, I have the accuountability thing to keep me in line since Dave or Judy may read this. Hee hee hee.
Unity. You Truly Desire Unity. You wish that the
world was together as one, and world peace was
among us. You enjoy sitting in natures peaceful
spots to get away from war and hate.
No matter how old I get, I will always have a liking for anime. There is a special place in my heart for Sailor Moon, and there always will be. I can't help it! I like cartoons and anime. I have spent sufficiently less time watching them over the years, but part of me still likes 'em.
Sunday, May 8
I haven't really been sharing these thoughts with others. Sometimes I feel as though I don't have any friends. Sometimes I feel like everyone is too busy for me. And sometimes I use those feelings as a crutch.
My loneliness leads to me seeking attention from men and that is not good. Not like anything gross or sexual, just wanting a conversation with a male I care about but with the hidden understanding that I get to flirt like mad without any ties. Maybe one of my guy friends I am close to. Maybe a guy friend who I suspect may have a thing for me, you know, just to enjoy the feeling of knowing that he'll listen and be attentive. Which is fine, because it's okay to use people. (Ugh. I hate the things I do sometimes.)
It's not fair to someone to try to make him your god. It hurts him, damages his self - worth, and makes him feel like he isn't good enough for acts of care without motive. I know this, because that's how my mother treats me.
And I have come to realize that I do the same to other people. How could I ever hate my mother? That would be like hating myself. I see more and more each day how she is a part of me, and also how much God's grace is the only reason why I can function on a normal plane of reality.
What do I do when I feel like I can't measure up? Do I trust in God's grace, something he freely bestows upon me? Do I choose to adamantly live out that grace? No. I feel the pain of my childhood and I retreat. I remind myself that no one cares enough to step in and help me work through these issues. I seek temporary comfort, therefore piling guilt onto the mass of emotion.
Then without truly taking time to let God heal me, I go to my friends' wedding, open wounds, insecurities and all.
I'm single. Do you know what weddings do to a normal single gal?
I don't care who you are, if you're a single girl and you go to a wedding, it will mess you up. It makes you think that using one of your male friends for attention is okay, because you're feeling needy after seeing a couple, who is way younger than you, have the possibility of having sex way before you ever will. (Not to mention the seemingly endless support and emotional intimacy the couple receives from each other.) Your guy friend that you use for attention should know that you are feeling needy and suck it up. If he likes you and wants to explore the possibility of a romantic relationship with you, it should be obvious to him that you are not flirting because you want the same. You are flirting because in these few moments, he should take the place of God, and fill your needs because you're too much of a wuss to ask and let God do it.
Friday, May 6
It was so good to be around Christian young people on fire for Christ. Ben took me to his small group, which is really more like a home church to me. There were like 35 people there! That is not a "small" group! These kids were really into worship! I love worshipping God through music. It's so amazing!
Ben is polite, a conversationalist, and we totally have a lot in common. He loves Jason Upton's stuff. All around, I'd give tonight an eight. (He missed a couple points cause he didn't open the car door for me. That's big! Hee hee!)
It was kind of like hanging out with a friend though. I don't know. Is that what "Christian" dates usually feel like?
Anyway, it was a good experience. I got to ride in the back of his friend's jeep, and I had never ridden in an "open - top" jeep before. That was cool! Cold, but cool. (Temps were kinda low tonight.) Haha! Heh. Ahem...
All right. Time to go; I'm not making any sense.
Wednesday, May 4
I finally decided to commit to involvement at my church this summer, and not even a few hours after I do that, a temp agency where I registered in February called me about a job opportunity.
I know that Satan is trying to distract me from what God has planned for me this fall.
I am just under attack in a lot of ways right now. Please pray for me.
Monday, May 2
This lady at my church works at an elementary school in town and she set me up with a teacher from the school. We are going to hang out this Thursday; he is taking me to his small group. Group settings take the pressure off, so I am cool with that.
I am pretty excited to meet someone new, but I have to admit I feel a little nervousness reminiscent of high school. He was totally polite, and he seems nice. That will help me be calm. I have never gone on a date with a bona fide Christ - following guy before. I've barely dated at all in my life.
I don't know what's happened to me lately, but I am like totally taking chances all across the board! Mission work, no job, living with people I barely know, going on a blind date... I totally think it's funny that I am technically going on a blind date.
Anyway, a good friend once told me, "How will you ever know what works unless you put yourself out there and try?" I think that was good advice.
Sunday, May 1
Becca came up and I spent a ton of time with her yesterday and today. We visited Old Navy (Where I bought a shirt for $1.97!) lb, Avenue and Barnes & Noble. (Although neither of us bought much.) We ate 1/2 price boneless buffalo wings at Applebee's, which was an old past time of ours. I got to really share what is going on with her now, what happened during her DTS, and what's to come in her life. I felt like we reconnected. It was amazing. I have missed her so much!
I had two birthday - count them, two - birthday parties to go to. One at Magic Mountain and one at Chuck E. Cheese. It was like re - living my childhood all over again, and I only spent $.75! (Cause friends bought my dinners/lunches. Thanks, guys!)
I got to spend some time with Tom & Trish this weekend too. I think they are so cool. It's been such a blessing to hang out with them.
This weekend was eventful!