I just realized that I have been emotionally unavailable the past 2 days. I have been angry at God because he gave me something, but not in the package that I expected. Due to that, I almost screwed up something that is really good for me.
Sometimes I am afraid to let people get close because I am afraid of getting hurt. I am so scared of being abandoned that I just would rather people stay away. A guy friend of mine told me the other day that I put off a "don't come near me" vibe and that's why guys haven't been into me for the past couple of years. Which I guess is true. But it still made me feel like a fool.
I have had some major crushes the past couple of years, but nothing has come of them. One I am still holding onto while trying to give Ben a chance. This just can't work. I have to find a way to get closure on this other "thing" before I get too into this friendship/possible relationship with Ben.
I need to let this other person go. He's had well over a year to make a move and he hasn't. Myself and this other guy are not really spiritually compatible. He's just not into Jesus in the same way I am. He's committed, but his heart seems far from it. I know that he's a leader, but he struggles with his own gifts. He's afraid to step out because I think he has been hurt more than anyone knows. He's super smart and challenges me in a lot of ways. He's way musical and that is an amazing thing, but his heart is traditional, "normal", suburbian, boring... I guess in spite of all that, I have come to the point where I am trying to put Ben into a box that looks like this other guy. It's so unfair to both of them really.
I am truly freaking out because I am into a guy that is just as interested in me as I am in him. He may possibly be more interested in me than I am in him. I'm scared. And we're not even really a couple yet. I mean, we're hanging out and taking it slow, but I am still scared. To. Death.
And I feel kind of helpless. And ticked off that things never work out like I think they are. I'm sick of frickin' curveballs.