Sunday, May 8

Nice day for a white wedding

I have been having a lot of issues with feeling inadequate lately. I have been doubting God's power in my going to YWAM. Or just doubting that I can do what God has put before me. It's been very lonely.

I haven't really been sharing these thoughts with others. Sometimes I feel as though I don't have any friends. Sometimes I feel like everyone is too busy for me. And sometimes I use those feelings as a crutch.

My loneliness leads to me seeking attention from men and that is not good. Not like anything gross or sexual, just wanting a conversation with a male I care about but with the hidden understanding that I get to flirt like mad without any ties. Maybe one of my guy friends I am close to. Maybe a guy friend who I suspect may have a thing for me, you know, just to enjoy the feeling of knowing that he'll listen and be attentive. Which is fine, because it's okay to use people. (Ugh. I hate the things I do sometimes.)

It's not fair to someone to try to make him your god. It hurts him, damages his self - worth, and makes him feel like he isn't good enough for acts of care without motive. I know this, because that's how my mother treats me.

And I have come to realize that I do the same to other people. How could I ever hate my mother? That would be like hating myself. I see more and more each day how she is a part of me, and also how much God's grace is the only reason why I can function on a normal plane of reality.

What do I do when I feel like I can't measure up? Do I trust in God's grace, something he freely bestows upon me? Do I choose to adamantly live out that grace? No. I feel the pain of my childhood and I retreat. I remind myself that no one cares enough to step in and help me work through these issues. I seek temporary comfort, therefore piling guilt onto the mass of emotion.

Then without truly taking time to let God heal me, I go to my friends' wedding, open wounds, insecurities and all.

I'm single. Do you know what weddings do to a normal single gal?

I don't care who you are, if you're a single girl and you go to a wedding, it will mess you up. It makes you think that using one of your male friends for attention is okay, because you're feeling needy after seeing a couple, who is way younger than you, have the possibility of having sex way before you ever will. (Not to mention the seemingly endless support and emotional intimacy the couple receives from each other.) Your guy friend that you use for attention should know that you are feeling needy and suck it up. If he likes you and wants to explore the possibility of a romantic relationship with you, it should be obvious to him that you are not flirting because you want the same. You are flirting because in these few moments, he should take the place of God, and fill your needs because you're too much of a wuss to ask and let God do it.


To all my guy friends:
I am sorry I didn't call any of you today.
Lots of Love,

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