Tuesday, May 31

Ranting a bit

So , my friend told me that I am selfish today. Which is hard to take, because I don't think I am that way really. I just think from her perspective I seem that way because she is self - sacrificing to the point of it being detrimental. I know for a fact that I am not that way around the Columbus Crew. (Not the soccer team; my friends in Ohio, silly.) Mostly because they are all from a different school than my family, Indiana friends or my old (pre - Jesus) friends. You know?

The people I hang out with in Ohio for the most part do not get upset or annoyed with little stuff, so I have become accustomed to - for the most part - not caring what people think in that respect. If someone gets upset over something stupid that I do, that's his problem. It's not mine. I am not responsibile for anyone else's actions. I do what I want. (It's not like I'm morally inept, after all.) I have a serious relationship with Christ and that prevents me from having to worry about trivial things like whether someone who is totally drama and/or high strung is going to freak out if I do a certain little thing. I mean, I have a life to live, you know? If I spend it worrying about whether or not so and so is going to freak out if I leave my bookbag on the table, I'll squander time I could be spending saving the world. (I am a super after all.) Haha!

I don't know if that all made sense, but I am willing to compromise without changing who I am. I'll bend to suit others' needs, but if they are acting like a child, I am not budging. I will not enable bad behavior. I have applied the things I do with my mother to my life as a whole, I think.

In none of this am I saying that I am perfect. I could always use work. Duh. I am just not going to cater to people when they are acting like brats. They can grow up. That's how I see it. With people like that one can never win. I have learned this lesson the hard way: whatever I try to do to prevent someone from erupting in an emotional freakout will probably cause them to freak out even more because I am trying too hard. No matter what happens, they may go off about some little thing, because that is their struggle. Again, not my problem. If someone has issues dealing with that kind of thing, I'll let God deal with them on it.

However, I have come to realize that when dealing with certain people, I revert back to old Megan quite quickly when old buttons are pushed. For that, I am sad.

I even cussed a few times this week, and it wasn't quoting what someone else said, either. Which is just not like me.

I need to go home and really deal with some issues I have noticed in myself. I feel really inadequate right now. I feel like I let God down too, which really makes me sad.

I know he still loves me and all that. I just feel like I let him down this week. I need healing to remedy that.

God? Yeah, um, I screwed up. Please forgive me and help me to not have this bad attitude again, okay? I need your help. I feel like a loser right now, because I know short tempers and being super prissy is not my style. I am so not like this usually. This is not who you say I am. However, it's who I've been the past few days. I'm really disappointed in myself. Show me what is wrong and what I'm doing incorrectly, so we can work on it together. I really want to change this behavior, because I want to be more like Jesus. Thanks. I love you, dad.

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