Monday, December 11
I have to lay off putting pressure on myself to fit into this invisible mold that I have made up for me to fit into. Cause I do not have to conform to what others do. I just have to be the best me. And there are certain things that I have not been called to. And I'm not saying I won't be called to them, I am just saying that I am not right now.
And I'm okay. I'm not in a hole. I am not drowning. I am going to be fine. I need to be more open and honest with God. I need to take some time with him and really read scripture more. I have been turning away from that, and I think that ultimately led to my cascade into depression. Plus, I have just had to deal with a lot this year. I mean-I'm trying to not be too hard on myself.
Grace is good.
I am re-evaluating things a little more right now and praying about things a lot more.
I opened up my storage bin the other day and I found my quiet time journal from DTS; while I was reading it, I began to remember things that God spoke to me during that time. And I know that they are still things he wants for me. And in those moments, remembering all the things that God promised me during that time, I found a peace that I have not felt in a long while.
I am finally getting my life back. And it is beautiful. And the people that love me are very beautiful.
And the birds are singing once again...
Friday, December 1
And I am really challenged.
Cause I realized the battle has barely begun.
And I can't do this half heartedly.
Cause giving up halfway through serves no point.
And I can't do it alone.
Thursday, November 30
Anyway, my uncle goes over to my mom's apartment and begins to rant about how much I suck and how horrible a person I am because I did not move back to Indiana. Uh, I did move back to Indiana. For a whole summer, you idiot! Ugh. He's just so mean sometimes. I don't understand what his problem is. What do I have to do with any of this?
And he said some other stuff that was really crazy that I just really don't want to get into. He was just being such a jerk. It's dumb.
Sunday, November 26
I took my mom to dinner at my aunt's house and had a really good time. When we got home my dad and I got into a fight because he was drunk and being mean. He cussed at me. It made me cry. Then ten seconds later I thought, "How appropriate," and laughed my butt off.
It is what it is.
Tuesday, November 21
Friday, November 17
You know, I've realized that things are what they are. I'm not so worried about the past these days. I'm not so focused on it. I've decided to move on with my life. I mean, now is not the time to be upset about the stuff that happened before. My life has been really tragic. It's a sad story. But it's also a story of love and hope and triumph over adversity. And I think that is what keeps me going. That and a good conversation with a caring friend. Luckily I've had a string of those lately. It has really helped me.
My dad is pretty sick. Now is not the time to focus on the bad things about his personality. When he dies, I want to remember the good things about him. The fun times we had. How we sat and watched FoodTV this summer for hours when he was in the hospital. How the first word he said with the attachment to his throat after the surgery was my name. How fun it was watching "My Fair Lady" and "South Pacific" when I was a kid. Those are things I want to remember. Lung Cancer is going to take him and who knows when it will happen, but the doctor has not given him a promising prognosis. And that is sad. It makes me sad. And it's okay that I am sad about it. I mean they pretty much said six months or a year and my dad will be dead.
And just so we're on the subject, I have to say that I really feel like every time I love something, someone, when I just let down my guard and let them in... They leave. And that makes me sad too. I have realized lately that I have had a lot of loss in my life overall. But I've had a string of deaths lately. People close to me. And that sucks. So many people close to me are sick or dead or dying right now. Well, at least enough to make me feel icky.
And it seems when I let people in and I let them love me and I truly open up to them they have to leave. They move away. I move away. They die. They get too busy for me. They get married and I don't see them for years. (I mean, I'm in my twenties. That's what happens when people get married: they disappear for awhile. It's just the way it is.) The point is, I realized lately that I have had a lot of loss in my life. And don't get me wrong, I'm not whining about it. I'm just saying. I have had a lot of loss. Disappointment. Pain.
It is what it is.
And the thing about all of this realization is that I have to move forward. I have been thinking a lot of the future. I am still weighing going back to school. Ugh. It's such a ridiculous argument in my head. I mean, it's not as if God is going to hold me back from going overseas if I choose to go back to college. I almost feel as if I would be saying that being an overseas missionary is out of the question if I go back to college. But I know that's just stupid. I mean really. I serve a God that is way bigger than that. And what I would be going to college to do would actually help me get into many countries and I could help people around the world or in my back yard. Hmmm.
It's just working up to it that sucks. I've been working up to it for years and I should really just let it go and stop working up to it and do it. Cause it really would help me in the long run. Ugh. Sacrifice now for the future. Man. I hate being a grown up.
I wanna be a kid again. But with less abuse and better parents.
Monday, November 13
Saturday, November 11
Tuesday, November 7
Friday, November 3
Tuesday, October 31
Saturday, October 28
Here's to being young forever!
Monday, October 23
Man, I am really frustrated with some things lately. I have a couple of friendships that just seem to be awkward or wierd no matter what I do and I hate that. It's so draining. And then crazy stuff happens that's out of my control and it's just wierd. And wierd again.
I mean, I can't control what other people think. Never have been able to. Oh, I've tried. I've attempted. And I have failed miserably. Sometimes, I just don't know what to do anymore. And I get really frustrated really easily after long periods of awkwardness with people. It's lame.
I don't know what to do to make things better sometimes. And after enough of that, I just want to give up. Cause I feel like I've exhausted a lot of avenues to make things better, but it just doesn't get better. I end up taking the other person's pain onto my shoulders and carrying it around. It's not my job to do so. My job is to let God handle those things. But I keep making myself crazy trying to figure out what I am doing wrong. Or what else I could do to make it better. But I don't know. I just don't have the answers.
Try again? Sure. I will. But if other psrties don't start to give a little as well, things will never get better. I'm just saying.
Recognize this. Do something about it.
I'm not a magician people.
Friday, October 20
Wednesday, October 18
I still believe I did the right thing. Life has not been easy since, but it would have been hard anyway. Regardlesss, now I have the strong web of reality to fall into. I don't have to pretend anymore, and I can face things with people that have a similar mindset for life. It's an interesting place to be, considering where I was a few years ago.
Tuesday, October 10
Last Thursday night, my friend (who used to be my boss) calls me and says that he wants to hire me to help him get through the bump he's in. And I wasn't there when it started, and I'm not sure it's going to end... And he said that if I wanted to make some extra cash I could. No pressure. Just if I was in the mood, he could use the help. I was like, "Dude, I'm in."
So, I'm back in the old office today doing my thing and it's funny. Because I won't hug my friend when I leave, because he's my boss now. And we both go into this professional mode without talking about it at all. We just get it like it's an unwritten rule or something. Like we both read a nonexistent manual. It's funny. I mean, I remember what it was like working for my friend when he had never been just my friend before. Now we have this vibe because we have both grown and changed, and I'm confident in our friendship and I know what to expect. Because I know what he expects. Because we have earned each other's respect. And I'm a little more grown up now, but that's beside the point.
And things are different and yet all the same in the office. Some of the people no longer work there, but some of the same ones still work there. I remember what it was like being there in my cube every day a few years back. And I remember how stupid I was, and how troubled that year, and how much I was peanut butter with no jelly. And how I never felt like I fit in and how I was just awkward around people.
I forgot what American Corporateland was like and how wierd people can get when they are in their corporate mode, like focused and in the zone. It's just different. I haven't been here in a long time, you know? I mean, at the coffee shop, I can be loud and sing at work and talk boisterously. But I make a concerted effort to be quieter at the station, although some things I freaking just find funny, and that's all there is to it. Of course, no one is saying that I can't laugh sometimes or giggle. Somewhere in all this rambling, what I am trying to say is: I'm so thankful for the way God does things. I'm sitting at my desk today and I totally remembered how unsure I was of myself and how I took things personally that people said then and how I got offended at things people did especially if their worldview was different than mine.
And I laughed. And I just realized that life goes on. I mean, I like this gig. I need the money. I like the people even though the work itself can be kind of drowning sometimes. I don't know how my friend does it all day-ten hours some days. Fourteen hours other days. My brain is so flippin' fried right now, I can't even tell you. I just can't think straight.
Well, it is after midnight, but my brain was fried this afternoon. You know what I mean. Anyway, that's life with two parttime jobs. Take it. Leave it. Whatever.
Monday, October 9
Sunday, October 8
Don't be mean just because you think I know less than you about a subject; don't be disrespectful and talk down to me.
If you let my friendship with you be ruined over something stupid, you're a donkey.
If you let something you believe in keep you from loving anyone, anyone at all, you definitely aren't utilizing anything that comes from good.
Or positive. Or smart for that matter.
You're just fulfilling your little prophecy that everyone hates you because you know more than them and no one understands you because you are so innovative and different form everybody else.
Guess what? It's all bull and you're a jerk at the end of the day.
So stop it!
Friday, October 6
Thursday, October 5
I will try to keep it simple.
I moved back to Ohio in early August. I was hired by Starbucks and began working there within three weeks of my arrival. I love my job! I get paid to make coffee. Who doesn't love that? And it's a lot of fun. There are lots of fun customers that come in and many of them we get to know by name. There is a whole Starbucks culture that I never knew about before.
I have no idea why I conceded to God and came to Ohio, because my heart has been set on returning to Colorado. I was going through a big "Where do I go from here thing?" for awhile, but have since realized that all the hell I went through in the past year was not without purpose. Especially going back to Indiana to live and spend time with my parents. It was worth it.
I am a new woman. That's all there is to it. I handle life differently. I have a confidence and appreciation for people I did not have when I lived here one year ago. I'm not scared to live anymore, and that is an immeasurable blessing! I am no longer scared of the future and I don't stress about whether or not I have wasted my life up until now. I have decided to accept my life as is. The good, the bad, the ugly. It's my gift from God.
I actually have a relationship with my parents now. More than I could say before. And I can't put a pricetag on the feeling that I get when my mom calls. It's not hate or anger or disgust. I actually get excited when she calls. It's new. I'm trying to get used to it.
I am staying with married friends of mine named Chad and Christy. I was not close with them until the past few months since DTS and I am so glad that I have them in my life because they are so awesome.
They helped me realize that I have an eating disorder. I over eat. I was pretty good during DTS as far as my eating goes, which is why I lost weight. But when I was in Indiana for the summer, I gained it all back and more. After seeing my mom and how sick she has been due to not taking care of herself, I knew in my heart it was time to do something about it.
I want to be around to hold my grandchildren someday.
When the pressures of life came down on me, I turned to food. I ate and I ate. I ate the most horrible stuff I could. Fast food at every turn. I binged on ice cream. And I cried into my pizza. I couldn't stop.
But I would like to report to you that I have been eating a low carb diet with little to no sugar. I haven't been overeating. I haven't overeaten in weeks. And while being around a pastry case every day isn't easy and I am not perfect, I have been really good compared to what I was doing. I have only had one sweet and that was this week. I need lots of strength and grace in this area.
I am trying to find the source of my problem and not just fix the symptom. I want to tackle the whole problem. I am slowly beginning to tackle why I do what I do. I am also looking into going to counseling. Please pray for me in this area.
My friend Christy and another friend of ours is starting a theater company here in town. They have asked me to stay here in town and work on a production with them here in Columbus. We will be renting out a space at the Rife Center, which if you were from here you would know it's kind of a big deal. I am starring in the play that my other friend, Joe, is writing. We will be performing it sometime next summer and tickets to the show will be sold by ticketmaster.com! I am so freaking excited! This is an opportunity I have been waiting for forever! So I have commited to be in Ohio for at least the next year.
I am okay with not going back to South Africa yet. Or Thailand. Or India. Or anywhere else God has put on my heart. For once I am okay with where I am. I am happy to be here, and I know the time spent here will benefit the kingdom, which is all anyone can ever ask for, right? God brought me here and he will use me here. I don't have to be in nother country for him to use me. I just have to be willing.
I'm in a place of peace right now, and I love it. I also know that there will come a time where I will have to find my peace based on what I know and not my circumstances. But for right now, waiting on the Lord (In Hebrew, becoming intertwined with... Isaiah 40:31) and letting him love me and grow me through the group of friends I have here is totally amazing!
I have a completely different group of friends here than when I left for Colorado last year. God has changed me and brought me a new family, and given me opportunities that I have been waiting on for a long time. I cannot wait to do this project with my friend's theater company. It will be really sweet. And if you can make it, I would love for you all to be there.
Anyway, that's life in Ohio in a nutshell.
All my love,
Tuesday, October 3
Wednesday, September 27
And Monday, the great communication with God of that Monday happened.
God totally spoke to me about staying and revealed to me that God's presence in me here is important. I had a really cool experience at work with my boss. It was awesome! I have completely turned around about the whole thing.
I'm in Ohio to stay for at least a year while we work on the project (play) together. And I am really excited about all of it.
One talk with Daddy and everything really changed. Amazing when God answers every one of your prayers. Isn't that interesting?
Saturday, September 23
I want to move back to Denver. I want to do another school. It keeps coming back to my heart, and I just miss being in that atmosphere. That Colorado vibe.
I love my group here in Ohio. As much as I do, it's just not the same. It's not the same. I want to go back and do some more focusing on God.
I love my job, but I just don't want to get caught up in it too much right now. I mean, the coffee house atmosphere is great and all.
I'm just not in the mood for the "regular life" thing. I mean, if I had a full time joba nd could save up some money for another school and moving to Colorado then I guess it would bee all right.
Some friends and I have been talking about getting a townhouse together and moving to an urban part of town, but I just really decided that I don't want to do it. I'm not up for it. I'm not in the mood. I really just want to move to Colorado if I am going to move again.
I miss Becca. Like really badly today.
I have this chance to stay in Ohio and work on a full drama production that my friends who are starting a theatre company are going to put together sometime this fall and perform at a prominent theatre in downtown. They have offered me the lead. I said yes.
It's everything I've ever wanted to do. I have wanted this opportunity for so long. Definitely since I moved to Ohio. To do something I love. Acting. On a stage. In like a real play! Not even to be a star, but just to do something that I enjoy. And I really don't feel like I can enjoy it. I don't even want it really now that I have it in my grasp. The opportunity. I mean, part of me does, but part of me doesn't.
All I want to do is not do this hem-haw and see-saw thing. But I can't stop. And I want to before I drive myself crazy. But I just don't feel like what's coming up is enough to look forward to or something. And I don't mean to disrespect anyone in my group or circle of friends. I am just saying that I am not sure what the freak I am doing anymore.
I don't know where I am going or what the point is. I am just here. And I don't know that I want to be. I feel so lost and I am so tired of talking myself into the fact that I'm okay. I can wait to get to Colorado. I could stay in Ohio another year. I could stay here forever if God wanted me to. I hope he doesn't want me to.
I am just sick of it. But it's almost become comfortable for me to be in this place. I thought when I left Colorado back in February that my life was just beginning, but now I feel like it's shifted into neutral. and I'm feeling a little crazy about the whole thing.
If I am supposed to stay here God, then why was it on my heart so badly to go back to Colorado? I don't understand. Another school has been on my heart, but I don't have a full time job and I can't save up quickly to go back and do another school. I don't have much of a network of financial supporters. Never really did, but you came through before. It's just so hard. I really need peace about all of this. I want to go back to Colorado, but I am not sure it's the right time even though my prayer was answered saying it was. I don't really have the funds right now even though I do have a job which is helping me out a lot. As are my friends here. If I am supposed to stay here, then you have to give me peace about it. I don't think I can do this unsure thing anymore. I'm over it. Please tell me what I am supposed to do and please let my heart be open to whatever it is you want me to do. I'm just so unsure right now and this feeling kinda sucks. I don't like it very much. Thanks for listening God. I love you. And I miss you. We don't hang out like we used to. It's different now. And the jury's still out on whether it's good or not. I wish I had more of an understanding of what is going with my life. Can you please help me with that? Cause I don't understand why things are the way they are. And why I can't just chill out and stop crying about it.
Tuesday, September 19
Thursday, September 14
So, I feel awkward writing on my blog anymore. I mean, it's been an outlet, sure. However, lots of people see it and tell me that they read it--including my ex-boyfriend, haha--and that makes me a little nervous to be honest. But I am not thinking about quitting or anything. Just don't feel like posting as much.
Tuesday, September 12
The guys have deemed our house "The Sorority House" mostly because Chad lives here with these two girls and myself. Poor guy. So we have been trying to name our house. Any ideas?
And I think they call it The Sorority House because we do sorority girl stuff like go to Target and take pictures with the costume stuff in the Halloween display.
Christy and Jen might kill me for this, but this pic is funny!
Wednesday, August 30
Tuesday, August 29
Anyway, by the end of the night, she was crying and totally overwhelmed with the love that everyone has for her to plan a big shendig like that. I mean, none of us would have done that work if we didn't have the love of God in our hearts. God's love. God's love for this beautiful woman. God's love for the hurting. I hope after this, she looks at birthdays differently and remembers how much God loves her. And that is the beauty of life.
I love my job at the coffee house. I get paid to make coffee all day! Who does that? How did I get this blessing? I mean, I'm stoked about it. I love it. I love being able to interact with people and love on them a little by taking extra care of them and their coffee. And I get to serve the other people on my team. It's pretty cool.
And I found out that I work with the bass player and songwriter of one of my favorite bands. Kinda makes the world a little smaller. It was good stuff. I enjoy moments of being able to put the six degrees of separation rule to the test. It owns.
I hurt my back somehow. I was in a lot of pain tonight. I cried. I hate it when I cry because I am in pain. It sucks. It makes me feel lonely.
I am sick of being surrounded by people and still feeling lonely. It really sucks.
I miss my mom for the first time in like years.
I really want to be hanging out with my DTS again. It went by too fast, and it is something I have longed for ever since.
I'm tired all of the time because my body is not used to being on my feet a lot yet and that really sucks.
Two double caramel no whip frapps? Yeah, I AM OFFICIALLY BACK ON CAFFEINE.
I love coffee, and coffee is the new tequila. Tequila was the new--- Uh... Hmmm. That's an interesting point.
Becca. You are my PLP. I miss you a lot.
Ohio's all right, but mostly because of the group I am chillin' with.
Check this out:
1 Samuel 20:30 (New Living Translation)
"Saul boiled with rage at Jonathan. 'You stupid son of a whore!' he swore at him. 'Do you think I don't know that you want David to be king in your place, shaming yourself and your mother?..."
And I really want to work on my book more, but it's jst not in me anymore to be in that place of pouring my soul and heart out. I don't know why. Stop asking me.
Sometimes things just are the way they are, but they're not the way they used to be and that makes you sad. But you don't necessarily want those old times back exactly, you just want that feeling you had at the time of the old time to be translated into the new time. And improved. With more bacon flavor. And 33% more cheese.
And sometimes you just need to stop typing random bullcrap into your blog and go to sleep. The time is now.
Friday, August 25
I havr mixed feelings about this thing. I have to be at work at SIX THIRTY Sunday morning. Which sucks because I was looking forward to this party like all year!! Plus, I won't get to hang with my friends like I wanted to. Oh well. Welcome to responsibility I guess.
And I talked to my mom. Evindently, my dad has COPD which is a lung disease that smokers get. It kind of sucks. I am thinking about this party right now and I think of my parents and I see that when my parents were this age partying every night they never thought that it would actually inhibit or kill them. I mean, who thinks that when they are in their twenties?
My dad probably didn't think that smoking would make him sick and unable to breathe. My mom never thought that overeating every day would make her so sick. They were killing themselves. Which more than likely, my friends will not be doing. I'm just saying. It made me think. And earlier we were putting some bottles of alcohol on the "bar" and my friend brought out a fifth of Jim Beam. It made me think of my dad. And all I saw him drink growing up. Even lately. It's just wierd sometimes how much seeing something from your painful past can trigger an emotional reaction.
At the sight of that bottle, I lost my breath. Yeah. I'm not kidding. I really just couldn't find my breath for a second. And I felt an emotional "I'm getting ready to bawl my eyes out" lump in my throat. Wierd.
Wednesday, August 23
I love the coffee house culture and I am excited to spend some time in an environment where getting to know people is the focus. I think that I can totally handle learning the stuff about coffee connoisseuring that I do not know. Anyway, I am excited to check this out and see how it goes.
I have been hanging out with the group here more and more and it's been pretty cool. I actually got into a hot button discussion with my friend last week; it was kind of wierd, because I still don't understand his logic on the issue. But it's not my responsibility to change people. I can only state my opinion. It's never my responsibility to make people see things my way. All I can do in any situation is speak the truth in love. And I tried to do my best to speak from my heart in this situation. But no one's perfect. Least of all me.
Parents are doing better which is good. They are both getting out of the hospital this week and I am very glad about that. I really pray that God and my mom throw down and she comes to the conclusion that this is her second lease on life. I am at peace with that. And her. And our relationship. My mom's pretty cool when she's not being crazy. Haha.
I love living here with Chad and Christy. It's a good group of people and a diverse group as well that we are dealing with, so at the very least things are interesting. I am enjoying being around everyone here and spending time with them as much as I can. It's ma blessing to be able to be a "normal" person for awhile. But what the heck is normal anyway? Right?
Normal is a load of crap anyway.
I haven't been feeling so emotionally needy lately, so I have been able to skip blogging as much as I did earlier this summer. Or this year for that matter. I have no idea what I am doing somedays. I am still looking for a full time job to add to the coffee house job, and the interview that I thought I would get I haven't heard anything about yet.
So, life goes on I guess. I'll wait and see what God has for me next. Right now I am working and saving and trying to get caught up financially so that I can do what I need to do in order to be ready if God calls me to something new. Which he may not do for awhile. And I am okay with that even though I really want to go on another outreach so badly I can taste it.
Wednesday, August 16
Busy. Believe it or not.
So, I have a tentative job working at a coffee house. Which is cool because I get free coffee and coffee is the new tequila after all. I have a serious lead on another job at a prominent company in town, and I am really excited about it! I should/hope to hear this week whether or not I have an interview at said company.
My parents are doing all right. My mom has had two weeks of dialysis and can breathe much better than she could before. More than 60 lbs. of liquid has been taken off of her lungs and body during this time. She's a little nervous because she may have to do this for the rest of her life. I mean, it does kind of inconvenience anyone to have to go to the hospital every weeka dn do that! So, she's a little scared time is flying by for her, and she is really afraid of dying. As most are.
Anyway, my dad is great. Going through physical therapy and getting stronger. Gaining weight, which is good. Not drinking: we're on a roll! He's not self-destructing right now which is good. He's somewhere getting help and that is good too. He just goes into a stupor when he drinks. It makes me nervous. He goes all suicidal and stuff. No good.
I am doing really well in the group I am in. I am happy to be here and happy to be in the company I have. It seems God brought me here for a reason, but I am just not sure for how long. I am willing to commit to a longer stay in Ohio, but I do not know what God wants me to do.
Any prayers would be appreciated. Thanks.
Saturday, August 5
And I am now a buckeye. I am so lucky to have these people in my life that want to pour into me and get to know me. I really want to get to know them better too.
Chad and Christy and their small group got together and redecorated the room I am staying in. It is so beautiful and grown up. I have never had a grown up room before! And they put pictures of Japan in there and a really pretty mirror. I am just really excited to see how things go.
My mom and dad are okay and I made peace with them, so I feel good about our relationship.
Life going interesting places right now and I am really excited about that.
I need a job, but I know that will come when the time is right.
Here's to C-Bus!!
Thursday, August 3
She has to be in the hospital for four weeks after this and that kind of scares her too. She doesn't know what to do with her apartment, but it is cheaper to pay the rent right now there than go to to assisted living place yet.
My dad was "officially released" from the hospital today, but they are putting him in a nursing home to get him stronger yet until my mom gets out of the hospital.
Side note: Nursing homes make me nervous. My mom never should have taken me into them when I was younger because the things I saw make me almost too scared to go into them now. Ugh.
But I said goodbye to my dad for now unless I don't see him when I go to visit them tomorrow. My mom wants me to come spend some serious time with her tomorrow before I leave Friday morning.
The house where I am staying has been quite interesting. But I won't post about that here.
I am going to meet my middle school music teacher tomorrow, and I am totally stoked about it! Eight AM coffee meeting. You know how that is. But I am excited because it will get me going for the day to go spend some more quality time with my parents.
I haven't seen this teacher since about four or five years ago, and I have totally changed since then. It will be exciting to see how she is doing. And I really want to tell her how much she means to me, and did mean to me growing up.
She was a great role model and I really looked up to her. God used her greatly in my life whether she ever realized it or not and I want to tell her. I want her to know how much her care and love made me a better person.
I am so grateful for my life, even though it isn't easy at all.
Tuesday, August 1
But I still feel pulled with grief for my parents. The doctor told my dad tonight about the fact that he has spots on his lung that look a little suspicious and could possibly be cancer. And he told my mom that she will probably have to begin kidney dialysis.
And I sat in the chair and I asked God, "Why now? Why am I leaving now?"
This is obvoiusly a lot for them. My dad was really upset. My mom cried as I was leaving, but I left. I told her things will work out in the end. I mean, I don't know what else to do for them. I think they need to figure some of this out on their own now.
I really feel like Columbus is my next step. So I am doing it. I have no idea what is after that, but there you go. And sometimes I get too caught up in that, but God always tells me what I need to do when the time comes. Sometimes it's in the eleventh hour, but hey... It's God. I'm not going to argue.
I just want to get refocused again, you know? I need that right now. I need... I need a safe place to heal.
I'm kind of hurting. My heart hurts, and I can't seem to think straight.
Sunday, July 30
Saturday, July 29
My family-mom's side-is angry at me. They have some sort of problem with the fact that I haven't moved back here for good. They think because my parents are sick that I should stay forever, and they make their lame mutterings known to everyone they come into contact with that I mutually know. Frankly, it's not encouragement from the Lord and I don't care what they think. The words they speak are defaming my character, manipulating my emotions, and making me feel guilty.
And I don't have to put up with it.
My mom is having her breathing problems, but I am really wondering why she only has these "attacks" when we are talking about things like me leaving, planning things for my dad or talking about money. I definitely don't think that the things she is feeling are coming from God. And I have told her so. I have even counseled her, if you will, about how to stop these feelings spiritually. But I am no superhero.
I have heard two doctors say to her that she is probably losing her breathing because of her anxiety. The docs haven't noticed a heart problem and they aren't taking any more steps to strengthen her heart right now. I think that this is all just a psychosomatic thing.
She keeps saying that my dad is going to go to this assisted living apartment with her, but he won't have a bed there. I had just had her talked out of that as an idea when my mom's sister made the idiotic move of trying to get my mom to have my dad move in with her. There's not enough room in the apartment. For sure. And my dad deserves a bed. The man deserves a bed. And his own space. I just really don't think that they should go there.
My dad actually needs more care right now than this place could provide or that my mom could provide. He gets all depressed and doesn't take care of stuff as far as his health is concerned when he is out of a hospital setting. That is what makes me nervous. I just want the man to die with some dignity.
But my mom is so concerned about money that she can't see that her and my aunt's way will strip him of all that.
I have been praying about another issue too. My mom has it in her head that I am going to clean out her apartment for her. She added to it all by saying that if we sold the stuff in her apartment it would be money in my pocket, as if money is ever something that motivates me. She all but told me it is my job to handle this. But it's not. I'm going to tell her tonight that I am not taking on that big of a project right now. I am not in the place to do it, and I respectfully decline. I sometimes wish I was in a place right now to do all of those things that she would want me to do.
But it's not about me being in the right place. I am in a good place. It's this situation that has me all screwed up. It's hard, and there is no manual for how to get this accomplished. My mom's family has stuck me with this job. I am sure that my aunt has told my mom that I need to handle it or I will, but I am not willing to do that. I have done a lot for my parents, and I have no regrets about not doing enough. Some days, I have worn myself out trying to fight and keep their heads above water.
But tackling my mom's apartment? I think that's too much for me too handle at this point. I can't do that by myself. And my family will come over and just give me crap about what I am doing with my life. They don't understand God. So they don't understand me. I wish they would try, but they are too small minded to open up and really listen to what I am saying.
I'm sorry if that makes anyone feel that I am rude or ungrateful or a bad daughter or whatever. However, I do not apologize for my decision. And I am 90% sure that is where the line will stay. I just can't take on my family and this project of organizing. It's times like this I wish I wasn't an only child.
But that's the way it is. Someone always cleans up my parents' messes. I am not willing to do that anymore. I told my mom not to get the new car that sits undriven in her parking space. I told her not to go to that apartment that she moved to, and I even told her to get rid of the stuff that she has accumulated over the past few years. She hasn't listened to me. And she won't. I can't change her.
I have made my peace. I realize for real now that this stuff is not my fault. And that's the end of it. Truthfully, it seems worth it to me. The "bleh" I have been through this summer really seems worth it if that is the change of heart I have had since coming here. I no longer take, claim or will accept responsibility for the things my parents have done. It is only a reflection on me if I let it be.
They say, "Don'te bit the hand that feeds you."
I say, "Screw the hand."
God is the hand that feeds me.
A strong-willed herald of causes against injustice, you passionately strive to right the wrongs around you.
Somebody has to save our skins!
I don't know where you get your delusions, Laser Brain!
And to add more to the geek-ness, I love this quote from LOTR's Gimli. It was after Galadriel gave him the gift he asked for when the Fellowship left her territory and after the feast in Egladil.
Gimli wept openly.
- I have looked the last upon that which was fairest, he said to Legolas his companion. Henceforward I will call nothing fair unless it be her gift. He put his hand to his breast.
- Tell me, Legolas, why did I come on this Quest? Little did I know where the chief peril lay! Truly Elrond spoke, saying that we could not foresee what we might meet upon our road. Torment in the dark was the danger that I feared, and it did not hold me back. But I would not have come had I known the danger of light and joy. Now I have taken my worst wound in this parting, even if I were to go this night straight to the Dark Lord. Alas for Gimli son of Glóin!
Friday, July 28
I think it sucks.
But I am getting to the point where I feel I have done all I can for my parents. I've prayed, forgiven, served and shared. And now I am tired. I'm worn out and ready to move on with my life.
I don't know what else I can do for them.
Monday, July 24
Thursday, July 20
Wednesday, July 19
A picture of me and my mom eating at Yen Ching. (The bomb Chinese here in Evil, Indiana.)
She'd kill me if she knew this pic got out because it was a funny pix text we sent to a friend I grew up with.
Hee hee. Luckily, my mom doesn't have my blog address!
Me and my favorite Erin in Nashville!
Tuesday, July 18
Thursday, July 13
Jesus, please tell me I've done all I can. I'm doing my best. This is not my fault and you are going to take care of my parents better than I ever could. You will guide them, love them and provide for them. I trust you with my parents God. I trust you to take care of them. And I thank you for all you'll do to help them along in their respective journeys. It has to be you that does it. I have tried to do it on my own and I am helpless in the whole situation. Please show your presence and take care of them. I don't have the answers, but you do. Make the right answers known. And give my parents the courage to see the right choices through.
Thursday, July 6
July 31. That's the change date. I can't stay here forever. I am going to lose my mind. This isn't too healthy a situation here. Although I am personally doing better these days. No, I haven't told my mom I am leaving soon. I haven't told anybody. You, my faithful readers, are the first to know.
I'm not going to have my conscience wrecked because I am an enabler. I am stopping that right now. There's not a lot healthy about the environment I am in here, and it's not good for my relationship with Christ, my sanity or my personal health.
I am hereby stating the decree and I hope that my dearly beloved friends will hold me to it. I am praying about where to stay when I get back. I have a couple of options and I am 99% sure where I will be staying, but I still would like to tell people so they can pray for me about this situation.
I also am going to do some fasting, but I am not sure when I will be doing that. Or what for to be honest. I just need to do some spiritual housecleaning. My dad went to the emergency room the other day and ended up going to rehab, but now he is out and feeling really badly again. He must take care of his throat or the consequences could be bad. I pray that he sees his own worth and tries to take better care of himself.
And with what I just went through with my dad, I really have to watch myself when it comes to having a drink with friends every now and again. I have let myself do that again after a five year break until I could handle it, but I have realized since being back here in Indiana that I just need to be careful. Very careful.
I am fairly certain that I will be coming back to visit here again shortly anyway because I have a few friends that I still owe a grand tour of Evil, Indiana. (Read ghetto girl: Oh, don't think because I am moving back to the buckeye state that you guys get out of that visit to my hometown! You said you would come. I'll kick your you-know-whats if you try to get out of it! :o) Mmmhmmm. That's right.)
Yeah, I need to go pick up my mom now. We're going shopping and out to dinner. Hopefully, she is in the mood for Chinese. I want some hot and sour soup.
Tuesday, July 4
I walked into my parents' apartment and I saw that my dad had another fifth of Jim Beam next to the couch (which still smells like urine) and glass with Jim Beam in it on the end table. He's started drinking again. I, of course, was livid. And angry and disappointed and depressed all at the same time.
I mean, I've never had to deal firsthand with the betrayal one feels after checking a loved one into rehab only to find her loved one in the middle of relapse. And I was wondering how my dad got out of rehab. My mom thinks he checked himself out.
So here we are. Back at square one. I threw down with my mom about what is going on with her life. She is trapped where she is and she is always worrying about being alone, which is why she keeps my dad around. She's got to start making better decisions about her health, and the first thing to do is get my dad away from her. He is to stressing. It's causing her more health issues.
I mean, there is just no way that I am going to enable anymore. I told her I was frustrated and upset and not wanting to deal with this weight on my conscience anymore. I just don't. I'm out. I don't see them making any changes and I don't see them wanting to change even. All I see is everyone around them going through hell and them going right back to the way things were.
I talked to my mom about options for where she needs to live--away from my dad. I mean, since I could talk I have been telling her to get away from him. And she still hasn't listened to me. It's lame. They're toxic for each other, so mom should just do something about it and stop complaining about how much things suck.
I mean, the bottom line here is: I refuse to spend my life sitting around and waiting for the next time that I have to take them to the hospital. That's no way for anyone to live. I'm not going to do that to myself. I'm not going to be their little maid and just get them things that they want that reward their bad behavior. I am not going to have that on my conscience anymore. And I am not getting my dad alcohol anymore. Screw that.
Judge me if you want, but that's something I was doing, trying to avoid changing him. But it's like I have to put my foot down. I mean, I spent the last few weeks feeling sorry for him. Feeling bad that he was suffering through cancer and all that. Now I just feel betrayed. And really pissed off. Hurt all over again. And that's no way for me to live my life.
My life is not like this. I am not like I have been lately. I'm just not myself. Satan is trying to steal everything from me that I learned in DTS. I feel so tired and run down all of the time. I just want to eat everything in my sight. I want to cry all the time, and do quite often. I have the shortest temper I have ever had in my life. Ever. I am to the point of being mean to people for no reason. I'm just not doing well.
And after telling my mom that she has to do something about her situation, I told her that I was going to do something about mine if things didn't change very soon. I am going to leave soon. I am not staying here for the whole summer. I know that is not what God has for me if things continue the way they have been.
I think maybe I had to come here just to know for sure that I had exhausted every effort to help them get better. I mean, I couldn't just take off to Colorado or South Africa or anywhere else with the fact of me having not tried my hardest hanging over my head. And I have tried, but this just isn't working. I'm not doing anyone any good here. I'm just wasting away in sorrow. And that is not healthy.
You know, my family is going to have a little pow-wow and say that I am selfish, I have my motives out of whack, and I am an ungrateful brat, as if I owe my parents something. It's just that what they want, I don't have to give. And what I have to give, they don't want.
But all is not lost because now I know:
- None of this is my fault; this is not my fault
- I did everything I could to help them
- I tried to talk them both into making healthy choices
- I offered to work on avenues to a better lifestyle
- I did not do this to them; they did this to themselves
- I need to change my personal lifestyle so I don't end up like them
- Loving them is not enough for them to change
- It's time to let this stuff go
- My responsibility is not to change them
But mom is afraid to live by herself because I am not going to stay here. Which I made clear. I am not staying here forever. I came here to help them, but they don't want it. I'd much rather spend my time at this point in my life around people who want my help or who will at least respect my life choices and my character.
Call me what you will. I don't care if anyone thinks I am selfish for that. That's the way it is.
Monday, July 3
I was barely there. And I think I am getting an ulcer.
By the way, I think the STUPIDEST American tradition ever is people drinking alcohol and then deciding to set off fireworks. And bottle rockets? What dumb cracka invented that? "Hand me the rum! And a box o' matches. Watch me light this fricker! What the--? OW!OW!OW!" Hahahahaha!
Happy freaking Fourth of July.
Saturday, July 1
I've had enough. I am definitely not giving up my trip to Nashville. I'll be gone less than 30 hours. I'm like, whatever's going to happen will happen. I've got to take care of myself. I need to get away from this freaking town and all of this crap and just breathe. I can't do that right now under all of this stress and emotion. I'm too caught up in it all. I need a break, man.
NashVegas, here I come!
Friday, June 30
Oh, MoJoe, how I loved seeing you when I was in Columbus a couple of weeks ago. And, hey, look! There's Chad and Christy!
Love#2 MoJoe/Cup O Joe
Must stay away from coffee...
Must stay away from coffee...
Must stay away from coffee...Coffee is the new tequila.
Remember when my storage space used to be filled with all kinds of useless crap? Well, that's all done with now. This is all that's left in my storage space. And the lonely box on the left can go straight into the trash. Nice job, Meg. Way to let go of material belongings!
Thursday, June 29
| You scored as Emergent/Postmodern. You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this.|
What's your theological worldview?
created with QuizFarm.com
It's been the best week ever!
Wednesday, June 28
Tuesday, June 27
Monday, June 26
Saturday, June 24
I cry every freaking day and I just can't take it anymore.
My mom calls every day. The hopelessness I feel about the whole situation with my parents just makes me sick. Sick of life. Sick of pain. Sick of me. Sick. I hate myself some days and I just fight back and forth with the guilt of wondering when this will all be over.
I'm just tired of fighting for my parents. I can't make them want to live. I can't make them deal with their own lives. All I can do is sit by and hole their hands as the ship goes down.
They both definitely would have been the string quintet.
Look, I can try to fight as much as I want to, but the truth is that I feel like I am losing my sanity. Every time something else gets thrown at me, I think, "This is it. This is what will break me. I'm for sure going to go over the edge this time."
My mom freaked out on me today. She called me like six or so times in like two hours fighting with having to go the hospital. I mean, if you're that concerned, go to the hospital.
Then, she called me saying that my aunt was coming to get her and take her to the hospital and my aunt didn't know how to work my mom's oxygen tank. Call an ambulance if it is that dire.
And as of right now, she's been at the hospital for awhile and I just can't bring myself to go over there. I can't do it. I am showered and ready. I could go, but I just don't want to deal with this. It's ridiculous. I can't stop crying. It's too much pressure on me. I can't do this freaking crap anymore. I've had it.
I am officially giving up, God, okay? You have to do something. I'm going to lose my mind here. I just can't take waiting around for them to die. It's too much. And I can't take crying and feeling sick every day either. What kind of life is this? I want out. Get me out of here. I'm done. I am so drained by all of this. I don't know how to not let it overwhelm me. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know how to handle all of this. I'm cracking and I need your help. Please.
Friday, June 23
Yesterday, I cracked. I had a headache for like 2.5 days and I was really annoyed at caffeine. It was migraine status on Tuesday and I took a nap for like 2 hours which almost caused Gina to blow a gasket for some reason. Hee hee. She's funny. So, by the time yesterday came around, I was annoyed with life.
Side note: I get one more freaking wedding invite this year, I am going to puke. Too many weddings. You know how I feel about people geeking out for their weddings. They get all wierd and creepy sometimes. They just stop talking to you or they freak out about you not being able to make it when their wedding is across the country. I don't know. I don't want to give specific examples right now. I am just saying that it's wierd sometimes. I am sick of people getting married under awkward circumstances too. It makes me nervous that some of my friends might end up in the 50% that no one wishes to be in.
Anyway, I lost it yesterday. I was crying, yelling at God, throwing down with him over my situation. I ate fast food twice. No good, people. I felt all annoyed and fat. I was pissed about how life is for me right now. And somewhere inside me I had this hope that came out of nowhere. I am not saying I heard an audible voice, but I heard the voice of God. It's a very hard thing to explain to someone that has never had it happen to them. But God was like, "Would you swallow your pride for me? Would you work at Showplace for me?"
I was like, "Whatever you want, God, yes. I would work at Showplace for you." (Showplace is a cinema in town.)
I drove over to Showplace and asked for an application. The two girls that worked out front were eye candy. You know what I mean? Short, skinny and very preppy were three words to describe them. Yeah. Not me. Plus, they were like 16. If that. I thought to myself, "God, please don't let me work here. Is this really what you want for me?"
I got in my car and drove toward my parents' apartment. I pass Kohl's and I remember that Gina's friend said I could use her as a reference cause she works there. I filled out an application and the woman looked at me and was not very excited about my look. Yes, I could tell that. No, I am not being over dramatic. It just didn't feel right.
As I am walking out to my car, I hear that voice again. Not audible, just there, saying to me Sally Beauty Supply is hiring. I thought how funny if they are hiring, for me to know that they are before I get there.
When I pulled up to the store, there was a sign in the window. It said "NOW HIRING
Yeah, God's pretty cool. I had a long talk with the manager and she felt really good about the conversation, so she asked me to come back today with my application filled out.
She pulled me back for an interview, and I realized that I think I have this job in the bag. I feel a purpose for me there. Here's the thing: less than $7 an hour. Yeah...
WELCOME TO MINIMUM WAGE!
Funny, God. Really funny.
Wednesday, June 21
Nafu, I'm afraid I've been thinking...
A dangerous pasttime.
I am really mad at myself that I never finished college. It is becoming a huge regret in my life. Re. Gret. Everytime I apply for a job, I think how different the job search would be if I had a degree. I think about how easy it would be to travel overseas and get a job. I could do all kinds of stuff differently, and it makes me regret not finishing. The debt? Sure, I don't regret that. And truthfully, that debt thing is what has been holding me back from going back to college and finishing.
I mean, I am freaking debt free! Why would I want that kind of crap hanging over my head now? If I want to go on the mission field, I surely don't want to do it with $30, 000 in school loans hanging over my head. Ugh. No thanks.
But I have a heart to teach English. I have been researching teaching English in Korea ever since I got out of DTS because of my friends JiSook and Jin Sook. I learned that I love Korean culture, and I loved being able to teach my friends things about English language and American culture. They asked me questions often and I loved that so very much. I have been thinking about going to Korea to visit JiSook, not only to visit her and Jin Sook on holiday, but to see if I would enjoy being in that country.
By the way, I ran into the ex-boyfriend the other day. My friend Judy saw him at a restaurant in town. Evidently he is working there for the summer, and going to China for three weeks in July on a mission trip. Well, Judy all but dared me to go eat where he works for lunch the other day. I mean, it was our usual place to eat for lunch before I knew Ben worked there. I wasn't about to let that awkwardly ended relationship ruin a good salad. Besides, it was time. It's been almost a year since we saw each other. I kind of hoped it would provide closure.
So we ate salads where he works. And to boot, he was working. And we sat in his section. He was my server. And I hope he didn't spit in my salad. It was wierd. Funny wierd. Like we didn't know what to say to each other. And never once mentioned that we broke up or whatever. Or that we used to date. It was pretty... Wierd.
Like at one point, he said something like we haven't talked in forever. I said, "Yeah, it's been awhile. I think the last time we talked was..." He interjected, "Last summer." I was like, "Yeah, last summer."
Dude, why did neither of us say, "since we broke up?"
It was an interesting meeting to say the least. I asked him about his trip to China, what he was doing there. And I'm not sure why. I mean, I kind of wanted to know because I love hearing about mission trips in general. But I kind of wanted to hear what he is going to do because I think this trip will be good for him. My mission trip changed my life. I hope he has the same result. But, it's not like I wanted to be good friends again after seeing him at the restaurant. I mean, I just don't want that.
He, on the other hand, was like trying to act like we should be or would be. Dare I say it? Friends. He asked me to go to a concert at the megachurch he goes to. Maybe he was just trying to be nice, but I am not sure what to think about that. I am still freaked out a little by him, honestly. I mean, I was in his life at a very wierd time for him. Maybe he's changed. I have no idea what God has done in his life, but... It's still kind of freaky being around him. I am so curious what his life is like, yet, part of me doesn't want to know.
I just wanted to ask him with a laugh, "So, are you still gay?"
I restrained myself, but I really wanted to open the can of worms just to see where he stands now. I mean, it was "last summer" when we talked last. And that is my fault. He attempted to contact me on several occasions. Which just freaked me out because I told him when I broke up with him that I didn't want anymore contact. So when he did contact me, it just pissed me off because I felt he was being disrespectful. He probably just wanted to genuinely be friends with me, but he had just lived a lie in front of me for like three months. It almost killed me to break it off, but truthfully I was glad to be rid of him. Out of sight and out of mind, kind of thing. It helped me heal.
Guys are wierd. They deal with things differently than I do. It kind of freaks me out. Oh well. At least I left Columbus with a bang.
Anyway, the funniest thing was when Ben said that he had gotten a job teaching English overseas. He is really excited about it and wants that to be his job as a missionary. He said the job is in, get this, Korea. Not only Korea, but Seoul. (Where my friends live.)
The freaking irony of life makes me crap my pants.