Tuesday, July 4

Frick. I am so mad; I could just spit.

I went over to my mom's house today. Which is the dreaded thing of my day every day. I am so sick of trying to get them to make decisions to save themselves, only for them to go right back to the craziness that I begged them to leave. It's just stupid. I'm killing myself trying to get them to get their crap together, and I all I end up accomplishing in the end is enabling. My conscience is getting the best of me these days and I am starting to overly self-medicate myself. Which sounds wierd, but it's the best way to describe the way I am feeling.

I walked into my parents' apartment and I saw that my dad had another fifth of Jim Beam next to the couch (which still smells like urine) and glass with Jim Beam in it on the end table. He's started drinking again. I, of course, was livid. And angry and disappointed and depressed all at the same time.

I mean, I've never had to deal firsthand with the betrayal one feels after checking a loved one into rehab only to find her loved one in the middle of relapse. And I was wondering how my dad got out of rehab. My mom thinks he checked himself out.

So here we are. Back at square one. I threw down with my mom about what is going on with her life. She is trapped where she is and she is always worrying about being alone, which is why she keeps my dad around. She's got to start making better decisions about her health, and the first thing to do is get my dad away from her. He is to stressing. It's causing her more health issues.

I mean, there is just no way that I am going to enable anymore. I told her I was frustrated and upset and not wanting to deal with this weight on my conscience anymore. I just don't. I'm out. I don't see them making any changes and I don't see them wanting to change even. All I see is everyone around them going through hell and them going right back to the way things were.

I talked to my mom about options for where she needs to live--away from my dad. I mean, since I could talk I have been telling her to get away from him. And she still hasn't listened to me. It's lame. They're toxic for each other, so mom should just do something about it and stop complaining about how much things suck.

I mean, the bottom line here is: I refuse to spend my life sitting around and waiting for the next time that I have to take them to the hospital. That's no way for anyone to live. I'm not going to do that to myself. I'm not going to be their little maid and just get them things that they want that reward their bad behavior. I am not going to have that on my conscience anymore. And I am not getting my dad alcohol anymore. Screw that.

Judge me if you want, but that's something I was doing, trying to avoid changing him. But it's like I have to put my foot down. I mean, I spent the last few weeks feeling sorry for him. Feeling bad that he was suffering through cancer and all that. Now I just feel betrayed. And really pissed off. Hurt all over again. And that's no way for me to live my life.

My life is not like this. I am not like I have been lately. I'm just not myself. Satan is trying to steal everything from me that I learned in DTS. I feel so tired and run down all of the time. I just want to eat everything in my sight. I want to cry all the time, and do quite often. I have the shortest temper I have ever had in my life. Ever. I am to the point of being mean to people for no reason. I'm just not doing well.

And after telling my mom that she has to do something about her situation, I told her that I was going to do something about mine if things didn't change very soon. I am going to leave soon. I am not staying here for the whole summer. I know that is not what God has for me if things continue the way they have been.

I think maybe I had to come here just to know for sure that I had exhausted every effort to help them get better. I mean, I couldn't just take off to Colorado or South Africa or anywhere else with the fact of me having not tried my hardest hanging over my head. And I have tried, but this just isn't working. I'm not doing anyone any good here. I'm just wasting away in sorrow. And that is not healthy.

You know, my family is going to have a little pow-wow and say that I am selfish, I have my motives out of whack, and I am an ungrateful brat, as if I owe my parents something. It's just that what they want, I don't have to give. And what I have to give, they don't want.

But all is not lost because now I know:

  • None of this is my fault; this is not my fault
  • I did everything I could to help them
  • I tried to talk them both into making healthy choices
  • I offered to work on avenues to a better lifestyle
  • I did not do this to them; they did this to themselves
  • I need to change my personal lifestyle so I don't end up like them
  • Loving them is not enough for them to change
  • It's time to let this stuff go
  • My responsibility is not to change them
I am hurt, and that is okay. I think anyone would feel a little betrayed in my sitch. But if my mom doesn't make steps to free herself of my dad's crap then I have no choice but to move on with my life. At least for the moment, I can try to still help her, but I am not going to go down with the ship if she keeps making bad choices. I am going to wait for her to talk to her case worker and see about other living options sans dad.

But mom is afraid to live by herself because I am not going to stay here. Which I made clear. I am not staying here forever. I came here to help them, but they don't want it. I'd much rather spend my time at this point in my life around people who want my help or who will at least respect my life choices and my character.

Call me what you will. I don't care if anyone thinks I am selfish for that. That's the way it is.


JeannaBelle said...

The title sounds like something my mother would say!

lipstickface said...

What about, what about just skipping the whole "stop drinking" plan. I mean your dad is obviously afraid. Afraid of pain from cancer, afraid of dying..whatever. The drinking helps the anxiety in him for whatever reason. Even though he's been turning to alcohol to help him his whole life it sounds like, right now with death and pain looming in front of him, there probably isnt much you can do to talk him into the idea that sobriety is a better option. Who wants to die in pain feeling fully aware of it all?

You need to focus on whats going to happen to him AFTER he dies. Let him drink.

Can you let Jesus love him through you without getting tangled up in the codependant trap? Can you just hang with him and tell him how much you love him, or if not - how much Jesus does and no matter what state of conciousness he is in just talk with him about what comes next? After death? But lovingly?

Its a fine thin line to walk - deciding what is allowing Jesus' love to flow through you to him, and what is your father taking advantage of you in a codependant way.

Your father's drinking problem doesnt matter to Jesus. What I mean is thats not the priority. Jesus doesnt care if your dad drinks - Jesus cares that your dad doesnt know the Father's love. You father could become aware of that love tomorrow, or one second before he dies. But in order for your father to accept it - I think maybe he needs to recognize it - you know? Like if your allowing Jesus to love your father through you, the day when it comes for him to choose - He will be able to recognize what it is - because He's felt it from you.
Basically I'm suggesting you "choose your battles".

As for your mom - she's going through the most terrifying time in her life. I was in a codependant relationship with a junkie for years. I wanted out but it was terrifying. I didnt know who I was outside of the relationship.

Do you have church friends where your parents live? People that can just come over and minister and befriend your mom if she's not able to recieve from you?

Dont give up. But dont do it on your own strength - it'll kill you. Are there others who can go to your parents with you? Sometimes parents behave themselves in front of others.

lipstickface said...

Hi - I've been thinking and praying about you lately. Hope everything is going allright.

Do what you can to make sure you're getting what you need spiritually before you spend too much time with your family. I like to quote the stewardesses on planes when they give that emergency info demonstration at the begining of every flight: "Be sure to put the oxygen mask on yourself first - then assist the person next to you."

In other words Make sure youre getting ministered to and 'shored up' first each day before you dive into your parents world of insanity - to minister to them.