Thursday, July 13

I wish I could stop feeling guilty

I just wish I could. It's like I get all frustrated with my mom because she depends on me so much for emotional support that she drains me to the point I have nothing more to give. Then I just try to take some time and breathe, but she calls me a few times a day. I just want to not think about her for a day. I want to breathe. I want peace. But I can't find it, in whole. There's still a part of me that just hurts because of all of the sadness and stuff I am facing right now. I can't escape it. I'm not feeling well the last couple of days. I am really tired and worn out. I don't even know what I want anymore. My mom is talking to a place that is an assisted living place (one step away from a nursing home) and she is planning on moving into that place whenever she can. It really upsets her because it feels to her like one less freedom she'll have in life. I guess I can see that in a way. I mean, it's hard for me to look at her and see her life in so much disarray and know that she is only 56. It's wierd. I want to go back and make better choices for her, because she didn't make them for herself. But there's nothing I can do, and helplessness is a big pain in the butt. My dad is really bad. They may have to put a feeding tube in him because he can't eat anything. Literally. I think he waited too long to finally go to the doctor. I, again, had to call an ambulance last week and have him sent to hospital. I haven't been to see him yet since he was admitted. I left the apartment before the ambulance came because my dad threw a fit and made this horrible scene. I just couldn't go through again what I went through the week before where he goes to the hospital and ushers me out the door and gets all crazy, wanting money to take a cab out of there. I just left him. Once. That's all I could take. I have been with my mom to the hospital three times since being here. I look like crap. I am running out of steam. And I didn't get that job offer after all. I mean, I really know that I do want out of here. I don't know what else I can do to make anything better. I just hope that me praying with my mom the other night and me praying for my dad has made a spiritual difference in their respective lives. That's all I can do. I mean, God used me to physically heal someone when I was at DTS! I touched someone, prayed for them and their symptoms immediately left. I pray for my mom. Nothing. At least she's praying though. I know that I could be used to do more, but only if the people are open to it. I can't keep entertaining guilt. It's a bummer. This is not my fault.

Jesus, please tell me I've done all I can. I'm doing my best. This is not my fault and you are going to take care of my parents better than I ever could. You will guide them, love them and provide for them. I trust you with my parents God. I trust you to take care of them. And I thank you for all you'll do to help them along in their respective journeys. It has to be you that does it. I have tried to do it on my own and I am helpless in the whole situation. Please show your presence and take care of them. I don't have the answers, but you do. Make the right answers known. And give my parents the courage to see the right choices through.

1 comment:

lipstickface said...

Hi Meg - Jesus loves you.

Jesus has your head on his shoulder and he is stroking your head and wrapping your hair around his finger and telling you that He is going to take care of everything. Just rest. Do what you need to do to rest. He loves you and is proud of you and is kissing your head. You are his darling little girl - He has everything you need, everything your mom needs, everything your dad needs. All he wants is you to just lay your head on his shoulder and let him just quietly hold you. His Holy Spirit is ministering to you now. Just take deep breaths and let Him love you. He loves you so much. This is your refilling place. You are hidden by angels wings. His very breath of life is filling your lungs. Just breathe and know that the veil has been torn down - you are always in His inner chambers - you live in the secret place - you live in the Holy of Holies - you are His bride and even when you are at the bank, or standing in line at the grocery store, or in traffic, or the waiting room at the hospital, or your parents living room - you are in the Holy of Holies - and Christ is in you and your head is on His shoulder and He is kissing your head. He has such wonderful things for you and He knows how very much your heart hurts and He has everything your life needs to be whole. Just breathe and inhale His breath. Fill your lungs. Rest. He loves you this much.