Wednesday, September 17

I did it!

I graduated from school. I kicked cosmetology in the face and called it a day.

It was so great having Justin there with me to celebrate it. I had a my princess day. And I couldn't be happier that Justin was there to celebrate with me.

I know that things have been kind of crazy, because I have had to face some intense insecurities throughout this whole past year to get through school. But I am glad that I did. I feel stronger coming out on the other side.

It feels good to accomplish something and prove that I can do what some doubted I could do.

So, all you doubters can suck it. I know it's not a nice thing to say. I don't care.

People have doubted me my whole life, and anyone who does it now is not the kind of person I want in my life. I'm sick of people that assume the worst in me and don't support me when I am doing my best. I am doing the best I can, and until I give you blatant reason to tell me that I'm a screw up, you should probably be quiet. Still, you will do as you will.

And it doesn't matter anyway, because no one is going to take this accomplishment away from me.

I'm a strong woman, and I'm proud of myself! I did school on my own. No one was there to hold my hand. It was me and God tackling every day there.


Sunday, August 17

God's Message to me last night.

Isaiah 60; Romans 8:19 (New Living Translation)

Future Glory for Jerusalem
1 “Arise, Jerusalem! Let your light shine for all to see. For the glory of the Lord rises to shine on you. 2 Darkness as black as night covers all the nations of the earth, but the glory of the Lord rises and appears over you. 3 All nations will come to your light; mighty kings will come to see your radiance.
4 “Look and see, for everyone is coming home! Your sons are coming from distant lands; your little daughters will be carried home. 5 Your eyes will shine, and your heart will thrill with joy, for merchants from around the world will come to you. They will bring you the wealth of many lands. 6 Vast caravans of camels will converge on you, the camels of Midian and Ephah. The people of Sheba will bring gold and frankincense and will come worshiping the Lord. 7 The flocks of Kedar will be given to you, and the rams of Nebaioth will be brought for my altars. I will accept their offerings, and I will make my Temple glorious.
8 “And what do I see flying like clouds to Israel, like doves to their nests? 9 They are ships from the ends of the earth, from lands that trust in me, led by the great ships of Tarshish. They are bringing the people of Israel home from far away, carrying their silver and gold. They will honor the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, for he has filled you with splendor.
10 “Foreigners will come to rebuild your towns, and their kings will serve you. For though I have destroyed you in my anger, I will now have mercy on you through my grace. 11 Your gates will stay open around the clock to receive the wealth of many lands. The kings of the world will be led as captives in a victory procession. 12 For the nations that refuse to serve you will be destroyed.
13 “The glory of Lebanon will be yours— the forests of cypress, fir, and pine— to beautify my sanctuary. My Temple will be glorious! 14 The descendants of your tormentors will come and bow before you. Those who despised you will kiss your feet. They will call you the City of the Lord, and Zion of the Holy One of Israel.
15 “Though you were once despised and hated, with no one traveling through you, I will make you beautiful forever, a joy to all generations. 16 Powerful kings and mighty nations will satisfy your every need, as though you were a child nursing at the breast of a queen. You will know at last that I, the Lord, am your Savior and your Redeemer, the Mighty One of Israel.[
a] 17 I will exchange your bronze for gold, your iron for silver, your wood for bronze, and your stones for iron. I will make peace your leader and righteousness your ruler. 18 Violence will disappear from your land; the desolation and destruction of war will end. Salvation will surround you like city walls, and praise will be on the lips of all who enter there.
19 “No longer will you need the sun to shine by day, nor the moon to give its light by night, for the Lord your God will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory. 20 Your sun will never set; your moon will not go down. For the Lord will be your everlasting light. Your days of mourning will come to an end. 21 All your people will be righteous. They will possess their land forever, for I will plant them there with my own hands in order to bring myself glory. 22 The smallest family will become a thousand people, and the tiniest group will become a mighty nation. At the right time, I, the Lord, will make it happen.”

Romans 8:19
19 For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are.

View commentary related to this passage
Their hopeful prospects under tribulations.

The sufferings of the saints strike no deeper than the things of time, last no longer than the present time, are light afflictions, and but for a moment. How vastly different are the sentence of the word and the sentiment of the world, concerning the sufferings of this present time! Indeed the whole creation seems to wait with earnest expectation for the period when the children of God shall be manifested in the glory prepared for them. There is an impurity, deformity, and infirmity,
which has come upon the creature by the fall of man. There is an enmity of one creature to another. And they are used, or abused rather, by men as instruments of sin. Yet this deplorable state of the creation is in hope. God will deliver it from thus being held in bondage to man's depravity. The miseries of the human race, through their own and each other's wickedness, declare that the world is not always to continue as it is. Our having received the first-fruits of the Spirit, quickens our
desires, encourages our hopes, and raises our expectations. Sin has been, and is, the guilty cause of all the suffering that exists in the creation of God. It has brought on the woes of earth; it has kindled the flames of hell. As to man, not a tear has been shed, not a groan has been uttered, not a pang has been felt, in body or mind, that has not come from sin. This is not all; sin is to be looked at as it affects the glory of God. Of this how fearfully regardless are the bulk of mankind!
Believers have been brought into a state of safety; but their comfort consists rather in hope than in enjoyment. From this hope they cannot be turned by the vain expectation of finding satisfaction in the things of time and sense. We need patience, our way is rough and long; but He that shall come, will come, though he seems to tarry. (Ro 8:26)

Thursday, August 14

Things don't magically get better.

Ever. Even with the amazing power of God in your life. It's the truth. They just stay the same or get worse I feel. I have a hard time seeing things getting better right now.

I hate feeling pain. It downright sucks. And I'm sick of feeling pain because I'v efelt it constantly in my heart for most of my life even if I am laughing and telling jokes. Even then. I'm hurting under the surface. The pain doesn't go away. And believe me, with the abuse I've suffered, I know pain.

I mean, crappy things keep happening to me that are out of my control. Is Satan trying to beat me down? Is my own sin and sad excuse for a life the reason this stuff keeps happening to me? Will I ever get beyond the feeling that I'm maybe ok, but just not good enough?

The truth is: God says I'm good enough. I know this... I tell people this, but do I believe it for myself when most people most of my life have told me I would never be good enough, never amount to anything?

Am I worthy of someone saying, "Megan, I like you just the way you are."? Am I worthy of being accepted besides the fact that I came from a white trash background? I mean, no one need hold my past against me, because every day I hold it against myself.

I constantly hear my parents words of disapproval echoing in my head. Even though they were sick. Even though I would never be good enough for them. Even though I couldn't be good enough because their respective illnesses wouldn't let me.

I spent most of my life with tons of people around me, and yet I felt so miserable and emotionally abandoned. And I am sick of it. But it won't leave.

When do I get to be good enough to be loved for who I am: good, bad and ugly?

If you hear when, would you please tell me?

Ugh, I am a deep ocean of melancholy under this awesome sense of humor.

Thursday, June 19

I'm humbled.

You know, I've had a really hard time lately. I mean, everything is going great with school, Justin, me working on my issues with commitment and seeing through projects. But in turn, all those things are really hard. To get through this place in my life, I have to put on my strong woman pants. I have to tough things out when I don't even feel like getting out of bed in the morning. And life is hard, no matter what place you are in in your life.

Sometimes, I get this sense of entitlement for good days ahead because my life has been so hard that I get sick of fighting and being the strong one. I start yelling at God and telling him, "Where are you? Don't you even care?"

And yesterday, through a friend, he totally spoke up and said, "Meg, I hear you. I know what you're going through. I know this isn't easy, and I am here for you all the way. I will give you everything you need."

You can't put a price on that. I have such a great group of people around me here: a boyfriend who supports and loves me through it all, friends who will listen and stand behind me, and an amazing opportunity to grow and blossom from the place God has me in.

It's good. Everything is going to be okay.

Wednesday, June 4

I love Letters to Cleo

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'll shine up my old brown shoes;
Put on a brand new shirt.
Get home early from work...
If you say that you love me.

Saturday, May 31


I am so sick of school. Really. I love it but I hate it but I love it.

I am just ready to graduate. Seriously, I really want to be doing my thing, making some money for the awesomeness that is me. I am good at this. I know I can be great with more practice. More opportunities present themselves the longer time moves on. And I am really praising God for it all.

It's been really hard working and paying bills and all that while going to school 40 hours a week. I keep getting down to points where I really think I am just going to sink financially. I am sick of the sinking feeling. Over it. Love and grace has brought me this far.

The stress of it all gets to me from time to time and I hate that so much. Sometimes I still feel like I did when I was 20. It feels often like everyone else has it so damn easy while I just struggle to keep afloat. Emotionally and physically.

Luckily I have an amazing man who loves me and reminds me often of my strength and potential.

It'a been almost a year since my dad died, and I still cry when I think of the fact that I didn't call him on his birthday last year. Sometimes I still question if he died knowing how much I loved him and prayed for him. Did he know how much I turned in hate for love? Did he even know how hard that was for me? Did he even know that though he was a ridiculously horrible drunk that used to beat my mom and then come after me, I still wanted his approval?

Daddy, I want to finish school so you can be proud of me. I know it's not college like you wanted, but it's something I love and at which I excel.

Alton Brown will always remind me of you.

I really miss you, Dad.

Saturday, January 26

Chère solitude,

Je vous déteste. Vous êtes le fléau de mon existence. Vous êtes un menteur, parce que je sais la vérité. Je suis ai aimé. Vous ne me fournissez rien bon, et ainsi je vous banis de ma présence.


Thursday, January 3

New Year With New Beginnings

I just wanted to say that I am very glad that God has blessed me with all he has. I love doing what I do and I love being who I am. Things have been so stressful lately because I started cosmetology school and I am still working at the coffee shop. But I see the little things that are so great in my life: the love and support of an amazing man, the protection of an amazing God, and the peace I have in the promise that God's plan is to prosper me.

These are great things. And I am very glad for it all. Is it perfect? Not a chance. But I am learning every day the value of staying committed to one's goal. It's something I never grasped before and something that is very important for me to learn. I am also learning a lot about being in a relationship-a healthy one-that's growing.

Justin's love is something I have prayed for for a long time. All wrapped up in this cute little package. I love him dearly.