This is a sign that I snapped a pic of at Happy Garden Chinese Restaurant.
Saturday, July 29
My family-mom's side-is angry at me. They have some sort of problem with the fact that I haven't moved back here for good. They think because my parents are sick that I should stay forever, and they make their lame mutterings known to everyone they come into contact with that I mutually know. Frankly, it's not encouragement from the Lord and I don't care what they think. The words they speak are defaming my character, manipulating my emotions, and making me feel guilty.
And I don't have to put up with it.
My mom is having her breathing problems, but I am really wondering why she only has these "attacks" when we are talking about things like me leaving, planning things for my dad or talking about money. I definitely don't think that the things she is feeling are coming from God. And I have told her so. I have even counseled her, if you will, about how to stop these feelings spiritually. But I am no superhero.
I have heard two doctors say to her that she is probably losing her breathing because of her anxiety. The docs haven't noticed a heart problem and they aren't taking any more steps to strengthen her heart right now. I think that this is all just a psychosomatic thing.
She keeps saying that my dad is going to go to this assisted living apartment with her, but he won't have a bed there. I had just had her talked out of that as an idea when my mom's sister made the idiotic move of trying to get my mom to have my dad move in with her. There's not enough room in the apartment. For sure. And my dad deserves a bed. The man deserves a bed. And his own space. I just really don't think that they should go there.
My dad actually needs more care right now than this place could provide or that my mom could provide. He gets all depressed and doesn't take care of stuff as far as his health is concerned when he is out of a hospital setting. That is what makes me nervous. I just want the man to die with some dignity.
But my mom is so concerned about money that she can't see that her and my aunt's way will strip him of all that.
I have been praying about another issue too. My mom has it in her head that I am going to clean out her apartment for her. She added to it all by saying that if we sold the stuff in her apartment it would be money in my pocket, as if money is ever something that motivates me. She all but told me it is my job to handle this. But it's not. I'm going to tell her tonight that I am not taking on that big of a project right now. I am not in the place to do it, and I respectfully decline. I sometimes wish I was in a place right now to do all of those things that she would want me to do.
But it's not about me being in the right place. I am in a good place. It's this situation that has me all screwed up. It's hard, and there is no manual for how to get this accomplished. My mom's family has stuck me with this job. I am sure that my aunt has told my mom that I need to handle it or I will, but I am not willing to do that. I have done a lot for my parents, and I have no regrets about not doing enough. Some days, I have worn myself out trying to fight and keep their heads above water.
But tackling my mom's apartment? I think that's too much for me too handle at this point. I can't do that by myself. And my family will come over and just give me crap about what I am doing with my life. They don't understand God. So they don't understand me. I wish they would try, but they are too small minded to open up and really listen to what I am saying.
I'm sorry if that makes anyone feel that I am rude or ungrateful or a bad daughter or whatever. However, I do not apologize for my decision. And I am 90% sure that is where the line will stay. I just can't take on my family and this project of organizing. It's times like this I wish I wasn't an only child.
But that's the way it is. Someone always cleans up my parents' messes. I am not willing to do that anymore. I told my mom not to get the new car that sits undriven in her parking space. I told her not to go to that apartment that she moved to, and I even told her to get rid of the stuff that she has accumulated over the past few years. She hasn't listened to me. And she won't. I can't change her.
I have made my peace. I realize for real now that this stuff is not my fault. And that's the end of it. Truthfully, it seems worth it to me. The "bleh" I have been through this summer really seems worth it if that is the change of heart I have had since coming here. I no longer take, claim or will accept responsibility for the things my parents have done. It is only a reflection on me if I let it be.
They say, "Don'te bit the hand that feeds you."
I say, "Screw the hand."
God is the hand that feeds me.
A strong-willed herald of causes against injustice, you passionately strive to right the wrongs around you.
Somebody has to save our skins!
I don't know where you get your delusions, Laser Brain!
And to add more to the geek-ness, I love this quote from LOTR's Gimli. It was after Galadriel gave him the gift he asked for when the Fellowship left her territory and after the feast in Egladil.
Gimli wept openly.
- I have looked the last upon that which was fairest, he said to Legolas his companion. Henceforward I will call nothing fair unless it be her gift. He put his hand to his breast.
- Tell me, Legolas, why did I come on this Quest? Little did I know where the chief peril lay! Truly Elrond spoke, saying that we could not foresee what we might meet upon our road. Torment in the dark was the danger that I feared, and it did not hold me back. But I would not have come had I known the danger of light and joy. Now I have taken my worst wound in this parting, even if I were to go this night straight to the Dark Lord. Alas for Gimli son of Glóin!
Friday, July 28
I think it sucks.
But I am getting to the point where I feel I have done all I can for my parents. I've prayed, forgiven, served and shared. And now I am tired. I'm worn out and ready to move on with my life.
I don't know what else I can do for them.
Monday, July 24
Thursday, July 20
Wednesday, July 19
A picture of me and my mom eating at Yen Ching. (The bomb Chinese here in Evil, Indiana.)
She'd kill me if she knew this pic got out because it was a funny pix text we sent to a friend I grew up with.
Hee hee. Luckily, my mom doesn't have my blog address!
Me and my favorite Erin in Nashville!
Tuesday, July 18
Thursday, July 13
Jesus, please tell me I've done all I can. I'm doing my best. This is not my fault and you are going to take care of my parents better than I ever could. You will guide them, love them and provide for them. I trust you with my parents God. I trust you to take care of them. And I thank you for all you'll do to help them along in their respective journeys. It has to be you that does it. I have tried to do it on my own and I am helpless in the whole situation. Please show your presence and take care of them. I don't have the answers, but you do. Make the right answers known. And give my parents the courage to see the right choices through.
Thursday, July 6
July 31. That's the change date. I can't stay here forever. I am going to lose my mind. This isn't too healthy a situation here. Although I am personally doing better these days. No, I haven't told my mom I am leaving soon. I haven't told anybody. You, my faithful readers, are the first to know.
I'm not going to have my conscience wrecked because I am an enabler. I am stopping that right now. There's not a lot healthy about the environment I am in here, and it's not good for my relationship with Christ, my sanity or my personal health.
I am hereby stating the decree and I hope that my dearly beloved friends will hold me to it. I am praying about where to stay when I get back. I have a couple of options and I am 99% sure where I will be staying, but I still would like to tell people so they can pray for me about this situation.
I also am going to do some fasting, but I am not sure when I will be doing that. Or what for to be honest. I just need to do some spiritual housecleaning. My dad went to the emergency room the other day and ended up going to rehab, but now he is out and feeling really badly again. He must take care of his throat or the consequences could be bad. I pray that he sees his own worth and tries to take better care of himself.
And with what I just went through with my dad, I really have to watch myself when it comes to having a drink with friends every now and again. I have let myself do that again after a five year break until I could handle it, but I have realized since being back here in Indiana that I just need to be careful. Very careful.
I am fairly certain that I will be coming back to visit here again shortly anyway because I have a few friends that I still owe a grand tour of Evil, Indiana. (Read ghetto girl: Oh, don't think because I am moving back to the buckeye state that you guys get out of that visit to my hometown! You said you would come. I'll kick your you-know-whats if you try to get out of it! :o) Mmmhmmm. That's right.)
Yeah, I need to go pick up my mom now. We're going shopping and out to dinner. Hopefully, she is in the mood for Chinese. I want some hot and sour soup.
Tuesday, July 4
I walked into my parents' apartment and I saw that my dad had another fifth of Jim Beam next to the couch (which still smells like urine) and glass with Jim Beam in it on the end table. He's started drinking again. I, of course, was livid. And angry and disappointed and depressed all at the same time.
I mean, I've never had to deal firsthand with the betrayal one feels after checking a loved one into rehab only to find her loved one in the middle of relapse. And I was wondering how my dad got out of rehab. My mom thinks he checked himself out.
So here we are. Back at square one. I threw down with my mom about what is going on with her life. She is trapped where she is and she is always worrying about being alone, which is why she keeps my dad around. She's got to start making better decisions about her health, and the first thing to do is get my dad away from her. He is to stressing. It's causing her more health issues.
I mean, there is just no way that I am going to enable anymore. I told her I was frustrated and upset and not wanting to deal with this weight on my conscience anymore. I just don't. I'm out. I don't see them making any changes and I don't see them wanting to change even. All I see is everyone around them going through hell and them going right back to the way things were.
I talked to my mom about options for where she needs to live--away from my dad. I mean, since I could talk I have been telling her to get away from him. And she still hasn't listened to me. It's lame. They're toxic for each other, so mom should just do something about it and stop complaining about how much things suck.
I mean, the bottom line here is: I refuse to spend my life sitting around and waiting for the next time that I have to take them to the hospital. That's no way for anyone to live. I'm not going to do that to myself. I'm not going to be their little maid and just get them things that they want that reward their bad behavior. I am not going to have that on my conscience anymore. And I am not getting my dad alcohol anymore. Screw that.
Judge me if you want, but that's something I was doing, trying to avoid changing him. But it's like I have to put my foot down. I mean, I spent the last few weeks feeling sorry for him. Feeling bad that he was suffering through cancer and all that. Now I just feel betrayed. And really pissed off. Hurt all over again. And that's no way for me to live my life.
My life is not like this. I am not like I have been lately. I'm just not myself. Satan is trying to steal everything from me that I learned in DTS. I feel so tired and run down all of the time. I just want to eat everything in my sight. I want to cry all the time, and do quite often. I have the shortest temper I have ever had in my life. Ever. I am to the point of being mean to people for no reason. I'm just not doing well.
And after telling my mom that she has to do something about her situation, I told her that I was going to do something about mine if things didn't change very soon. I am going to leave soon. I am not staying here for the whole summer. I know that is not what God has for me if things continue the way they have been.
I think maybe I had to come here just to know for sure that I had exhausted every effort to help them get better. I mean, I couldn't just take off to Colorado or South Africa or anywhere else with the fact of me having not tried my hardest hanging over my head. And I have tried, but this just isn't working. I'm not doing anyone any good here. I'm just wasting away in sorrow. And that is not healthy.
You know, my family is going to have a little pow-wow and say that I am selfish, I have my motives out of whack, and I am an ungrateful brat, as if I owe my parents something. It's just that what they want, I don't have to give. And what I have to give, they don't want.
But all is not lost because now I know:
- None of this is my fault; this is not my fault
- I did everything I could to help them
- I tried to talk them both into making healthy choices
- I offered to work on avenues to a better lifestyle
- I did not do this to them; they did this to themselves
- I need to change my personal lifestyle so I don't end up like them
- Loving them is not enough for them to change
- It's time to let this stuff go
- My responsibility is not to change them
But mom is afraid to live by herself because I am not going to stay here. Which I made clear. I am not staying here forever. I came here to help them, but they don't want it. I'd much rather spend my time at this point in my life around people who want my help or who will at least respect my life choices and my character.
Call me what you will. I don't care if anyone thinks I am selfish for that. That's the way it is.
Monday, July 3
I was barely there. And I think I am getting an ulcer.
By the way, I think the STUPIDEST American tradition ever is people drinking alcohol and then deciding to set off fireworks. And bottle rockets? What dumb cracka invented that? "Hand me the rum! And a box o' matches. Watch me light this fricker! What the--? OW!OW!OW!" Hahahahaha!
Happy freaking Fourth of July.
Saturday, July 1
I've had enough. I am definitely not giving up my trip to Nashville. I'll be gone less than 30 hours. I'm like, whatever's going to happen will happen. I've got to take care of myself. I need to get away from this freaking town and all of this crap and just breathe. I can't do that right now under all of this stress and emotion. I'm too caught up in it all. I need a break, man.
NashVegas, here I come!