Sunday, July 30

Funny signs make me laugh

This is a sign that I snapped a pic of at Happy Garden Chinese Restaurant.

Saturday, July 29

Screw the hand

You know that old saying, "Don't bite the hand that feeds you?" Well, I am tired of catering to the hand.

My family-mom's side-is angry at me. They have some sort of problem with the fact that I haven't moved back here for good. They think because my parents are sick that I should stay forever, and they make their lame mutterings known to everyone they come into contact with that I mutually know. Frankly, it's not encouragement from the Lord and I don't care what they think. The words they speak are defaming my character, manipulating my emotions, and making me feel guilty.

And I don't have to put up with it.

My mom is having her breathing problems, but I am really wondering why she only has these "attacks" when we are talking about things like me leaving, planning things for my dad or talking about money. I definitely don't think that the things she is feeling are coming from God. And I have told her so. I have even counseled her, if you will, about how to stop these feelings spiritually. But I am no superhero.

I have heard two doctors say to her that she is probably losing her breathing because of her anxiety. The docs haven't noticed a heart problem and they aren't taking any more steps to strengthen her heart right now. I think that this is all just a psychosomatic thing.

She keeps saying that my dad is going to go to this assisted living apartment with her, but he won't have a bed there. I had just had her talked out of that as an idea when my mom's sister made the idiotic move of trying to get my mom to have my dad move in with her. There's not enough room in the apartment. For sure. And my dad deserves a bed. The man deserves a bed. And his own space. I just really don't think that they should go there.

My dad actually needs more care right now than this place could provide or that my mom could provide. He gets all depressed and doesn't take care of stuff as far as his health is concerned when he is out of a hospital setting. That is what makes me nervous. I just want the man to die with some dignity.

But my mom is so concerned about money that she can't see that her and my aunt's way will strip him of all that.

My family...


I have been praying about another issue too. My mom has it in her head that I am going to clean out her apartment for her. She added to it all by saying that if we sold the stuff in her apartment it would be money in my pocket, as if money is ever something that motivates me. She all but told me it is my job to handle this. But it's not. I'm going to tell her tonight that I am not taking on that big of a project right now. I am not in the place to do it, and I respectfully decline. I sometimes wish I was in a place right now to do all of those things that she would want me to do.

But it's not about me being in the right place. I am in a good place. It's this situation that has me all screwed up. It's hard, and there is no manual for how to get this accomplished. My mom's family has stuck me with this job. I am sure that my aunt has told my mom that I need to handle it or I will, but I am not willing to do that. I have done a lot for my parents, and I have no regrets about not doing enough. Some days, I have worn myself out trying to fight and keep their heads above water.

But tackling my mom's apartment? I think that's too much for me too handle at this point. I can't do that by myself. And my family will come over and just give me crap about what I am doing with my life. They don't understand God. So they don't understand me. I wish they would try, but they are too small minded to open up and really listen to what I am saying.

I'm sorry if that makes anyone feel that I am rude or ungrateful or a bad daughter or whatever. However, I do not apologize for my decision. And I am 90% sure that is where the line will stay. I just can't take on my family and this project of organizing. It's times like this I wish I wasn't an only child.

But that's the way it is. Someone always cleans up my parents' messes. I am not willing to do that anymore. I told my mom not to get the new car that sits undriven in her parking space. I told her not to go to that apartment that she moved to, and I even told her to get rid of the stuff that she has accumulated over the past few years. She hasn't listened to me. And she won't. I can't change her.

I have made my peace. I realize for real now that this stuff is not my fault. And that's the end of it. Truthfully, it seems worth it to me. The "bleh" I have been through this summer really seems worth it if that is the change of heart I have had since coming here. I no longer take, claim or will accept responsibility for the things my parents have done. It is only a reflection on me if I let it be.

They say, "Don'te bit the hand that feeds you."

I say, "Screw the hand."

God is the hand that feeds me.

I am a geek... Deal with it.

Which Fantasy/SciFi Character Are You?

Which sci-fi character are you?

A strong-willed herald of causes against injustice, you passionately strive to right the wrongs around you.

Somebody has to save our skins!

I don't know where you get your delusions, Laser Brain!

And to add more to the geek-ness, I love this quote from LOTR's Gimli. It was after Galadriel gave him the gift he asked for when the Fellowship left her territory and after the feast in Egladil.

Gimli wept openly.
- I have looked the last upon that which was fairest, he said to Legolas his companion. Henceforward I will call nothing fair unless it be her gift. He put his hand to his breast.
- Tell me, Legolas, why did I come on this Quest? Little did I know where the chief peril lay! Truly Elrond spoke, saying that we could not foresee what we might meet upon our road. Torment in the dark was the danger that I feared, and it did not hold me back. But I would not have come had I known the danger of light and joy. Now I have taken my worst wound in this parting, even if I were to go this night straight to the Dark Lord. Alas for Gimli son of Glóin!

Friday, July 28

Tonight I told my mom

I told her about my job interview in Columbus. And she started crying. And she couldn't breathe. She has panic attacks. It's so wierd. She has no self control, and she can't stop being scared.

I think it sucks.

But I am getting to the point where I feel I have done all I can for my parents. I've prayed, forgiven, served and shared. And now I am tired. I'm worn out and ready to move on with my life.

I don't know what else I can do for them.

Monday, July 24

Kiss Me! I'm Irish!

No really. I am Irish. But I was kidding about the "kiss me" part.

Thursday, July 20

Wednesday, July 19

As she tried to forget, she only remembered more

I try the Mary Kate and Ashley lips and it just doesn't look as cool. Eh. Whatev.

Why is one of my eyes always more open than the other? That's wierd.

Looking down

Great eye makeup just begs for a picture to be taken.

My hair

My hair looks really soccer mom here, yet, my face looks very young. Twenty two or something. Interesting...

I'm just saying.

Sometimes I have an air of classic beauty, and it makes me wonder what I would look like skinny.


I love to just relax. It's time for me to relax.

Say hello to my uncle

I know you might think it's wierd.

I don't care. It's my way of hommage.

I loved him.

And then it happened!

Out of nowhere, the girl managed a hearty laugh and a concealed smile.

Hey, you.

So, uh, I feel pretty.

I hope you don't have a problem with that.


A picture of me and my mom eating at Yen Ching. (The bomb Chinese here in Evil, Indiana.)

She'd kill me if she knew this pic got out because it was a funny pix text we sent to a friend I grew up with.

Hee hee. Luckily, my mom doesn't have my blog address!

Are we done?

Whatev. Just give me the key and let me out of here.


Sometimes, when I think of the way things will be, my eyes get really bright.

Of all the beautiful faces in all the beautiful places...

Me and my favorite Erin in Nashville!

Tuesday, July 18

He's still my dad

My dad is in the hospital still. I knew he was really sick, but I just couldn't make myself go visit him yet. I was really worn out last week and this past weekend. I talked to my roommate from DTS, Erin, on Saturday and she was in Nashville. I was eating dinner with her within hours. I needed a clearer head, or at least someone that would understand where I am coming from right now. Erin and I both are in the middle of possibly the hardest time in our respective lives and we just needed each other. It was cool to hang out with someone and not have to be anything I'm not. I have very few of those relationships and I cherish them. How many people can say that they have real friends? I am blessed with a few that love me. On the way back today, I stopped at my uncle's gravesite and made peace with God and-well-him. I was in that graveyard for like over an hour trying to find his marker. I finally found it and collapsed on the ground. I brushed all of the grass cuttings off of it and curled up next to his headstone on the grass. And I cried. And I made my peace. (It's a long story I don't feel like posting here right now.) But I felt the peace of God over me, so I knew I had to do it. I found my grandparents' markers too. I never knew either of them. They both died before I was born. I said hey anyway. And when I got back into the car, I knew it was time to go see my dad. So I did. He was all weak and hooked up to machines and... Sad. He has a feeding tube now, so he can't even have a last meal. Sucks. He was watching "FoodTV." My dad always loved cooking. He bought tons of cookbooks over the years. Even gave me a few when my mom was on the truck with him. Little did he know I only cook when a microwave is involved. I love my dad. Even after all the abuse, he's still my dad. I told him I would remember the good times. The fun things we did together. Not the bad memories. I told him to make peace with God and himself. He was too weak to lift his hand to put it in mine. He has internal bleeding and the docs can't find the source. He is six and a half feet tall and weighs around 85 pounds. He was moved to intensive care an hour or so ago, because he has gotten worse. I just pray he makes his peace first. That's all I want. I just don't want him to suffer anymore. Even after all the hell he put me through by choosing to drink and not fight the addiction, he's still my dad. And I have forgiven him. And I love him.

Thursday, July 13

I wish I could stop feeling guilty

I just wish I could. It's like I get all frustrated with my mom because she depends on me so much for emotional support that she drains me to the point I have nothing more to give. Then I just try to take some time and breathe, but she calls me a few times a day. I just want to not think about her for a day. I want to breathe. I want peace. But I can't find it, in whole. There's still a part of me that just hurts because of all of the sadness and stuff I am facing right now. I can't escape it. I'm not feeling well the last couple of days. I am really tired and worn out. I don't even know what I want anymore. My mom is talking to a place that is an assisted living place (one step away from a nursing home) and she is planning on moving into that place whenever she can. It really upsets her because it feels to her like one less freedom she'll have in life. I guess I can see that in a way. I mean, it's hard for me to look at her and see her life in so much disarray and know that she is only 56. It's wierd. I want to go back and make better choices for her, because she didn't make them for herself. But there's nothing I can do, and helplessness is a big pain in the butt. My dad is really bad. They may have to put a feeding tube in him because he can't eat anything. Literally. I think he waited too long to finally go to the doctor. I, again, had to call an ambulance last week and have him sent to hospital. I haven't been to see him yet since he was admitted. I left the apartment before the ambulance came because my dad threw a fit and made this horrible scene. I just couldn't go through again what I went through the week before where he goes to the hospital and ushers me out the door and gets all crazy, wanting money to take a cab out of there. I just left him. Once. That's all I could take. I have been with my mom to the hospital three times since being here. I look like crap. I am running out of steam. And I didn't get that job offer after all. I mean, I really know that I do want out of here. I don't know what else I can do to make anything better. I just hope that me praying with my mom the other night and me praying for my dad has made a spiritual difference in their respective lives. That's all I can do. I mean, God used me to physically heal someone when I was at DTS! I touched someone, prayed for them and their symptoms immediately left. I pray for my mom. Nothing. At least she's praying though. I know that I could be used to do more, but only if the people are open to it. I can't keep entertaining guilt. It's a bummer. This is not my fault.

Jesus, please tell me I've done all I can. I'm doing my best. This is not my fault and you are going to take care of my parents better than I ever could. You will guide them, love them and provide for them. I trust you with my parents God. I trust you to take care of them. And I thank you for all you'll do to help them along in their respective journeys. It has to be you that does it. I have tried to do it on my own and I am helpless in the whole situation. Please show your presence and take care of them. I don't have the answers, but you do. Make the right answers known. And give my parents the courage to see the right choices through.

Thursday, July 6

It's official. I'm United flight 93!

And I'm not looking back.

July 31. That's the change date. I can't stay here forever. I am going to lose my mind. This isn't too healthy a situation here. Although I am personally doing better these days. No, I haven't told my mom I am leaving soon. I haven't told anybody. You, my faithful readers, are the first to know.

I'm not going to have my conscience wrecked because I am an enabler. I am stopping that right now. There's not a lot healthy about the environment I am in here, and it's not good for my relationship with Christ, my sanity or my personal health.

I am hereby stating the decree and I hope that my dearly beloved friends will hold me to it. I am praying about where to stay when I get back. I have a couple of options and I am 99% sure where I will be staying, but I still would like to tell people so they can pray for me about this situation.

I also am going to do some fasting, but I am not sure when I will be doing that. Or what for to be honest. I just need to do some spiritual housecleaning. My dad went to the emergency room the other day and ended up going to rehab, but now he is out and feeling really badly again. He must take care of his throat or the consequences could be bad. I pray that he sees his own worth and tries to take better care of himself.

And with what I just went through with my dad, I really have to watch myself when it comes to having a drink with friends every now and again. I have let myself do that again after a five year break until I could handle it, but I have realized since being back here in Indiana that I just need to be careful. Very careful.

I am fairly certain that I will be coming back to visit here again shortly anyway because I have a few friends that I still owe a grand tour of Evil, Indiana. (Read ghetto girl: Oh, don't think because I am moving back to the buckeye state that you guys get out of that visit to my hometown! You said you would come. I'll kick your you-know-whats if you try to get out of it! :o) Mmmhmmm. That's right.)

Yeah, I need to go pick up my mom now. We're going shopping and out to dinner. Hopefully, she is in the mood for Chinese. I want some hot and sour soup.

Tuesday, July 4

Frick. I am so mad; I could just spit.

I went over to my mom's house today. Which is the dreaded thing of my day every day. I am so sick of trying to get them to make decisions to save themselves, only for them to go right back to the craziness that I begged them to leave. It's just stupid. I'm killing myself trying to get them to get their crap together, and I all I end up accomplishing in the end is enabling. My conscience is getting the best of me these days and I am starting to overly self-medicate myself. Which sounds wierd, but it's the best way to describe the way I am feeling.

I walked into my parents' apartment and I saw that my dad had another fifth of Jim Beam next to the couch (which still smells like urine) and glass with Jim Beam in it on the end table. He's started drinking again. I, of course, was livid. And angry and disappointed and depressed all at the same time.

I mean, I've never had to deal firsthand with the betrayal one feels after checking a loved one into rehab only to find her loved one in the middle of relapse. And I was wondering how my dad got out of rehab. My mom thinks he checked himself out.

So here we are. Back at square one. I threw down with my mom about what is going on with her life. She is trapped where she is and she is always worrying about being alone, which is why she keeps my dad around. She's got to start making better decisions about her health, and the first thing to do is get my dad away from her. He is to stressing. It's causing her more health issues.

I mean, there is just no way that I am going to enable anymore. I told her I was frustrated and upset and not wanting to deal with this weight on my conscience anymore. I just don't. I'm out. I don't see them making any changes and I don't see them wanting to change even. All I see is everyone around them going through hell and them going right back to the way things were.

I talked to my mom about options for where she needs to live--away from my dad. I mean, since I could talk I have been telling her to get away from him. And she still hasn't listened to me. It's lame. They're toxic for each other, so mom should just do something about it and stop complaining about how much things suck.

I mean, the bottom line here is: I refuse to spend my life sitting around and waiting for the next time that I have to take them to the hospital. That's no way for anyone to live. I'm not going to do that to myself. I'm not going to be their little maid and just get them things that they want that reward their bad behavior. I am not going to have that on my conscience anymore. And I am not getting my dad alcohol anymore. Screw that.

Judge me if you want, but that's something I was doing, trying to avoid changing him. But it's like I have to put my foot down. I mean, I spent the last few weeks feeling sorry for him. Feeling bad that he was suffering through cancer and all that. Now I just feel betrayed. And really pissed off. Hurt all over again. And that's no way for me to live my life.

My life is not like this. I am not like I have been lately. I'm just not myself. Satan is trying to steal everything from me that I learned in DTS. I feel so tired and run down all of the time. I just want to eat everything in my sight. I want to cry all the time, and do quite often. I have the shortest temper I have ever had in my life. Ever. I am to the point of being mean to people for no reason. I'm just not doing well.

And after telling my mom that she has to do something about her situation, I told her that I was going to do something about mine if things didn't change very soon. I am going to leave soon. I am not staying here for the whole summer. I know that is not what God has for me if things continue the way they have been.

I think maybe I had to come here just to know for sure that I had exhausted every effort to help them get better. I mean, I couldn't just take off to Colorado or South Africa or anywhere else with the fact of me having not tried my hardest hanging over my head. And I have tried, but this just isn't working. I'm not doing anyone any good here. I'm just wasting away in sorrow. And that is not healthy.

You know, my family is going to have a little pow-wow and say that I am selfish, I have my motives out of whack, and I am an ungrateful brat, as if I owe my parents something. It's just that what they want, I don't have to give. And what I have to give, they don't want.

But all is not lost because now I know:

  • None of this is my fault; this is not my fault
  • I did everything I could to help them
  • I tried to talk them both into making healthy choices
  • I offered to work on avenues to a better lifestyle
  • I did not do this to them; they did this to themselves
  • I need to change my personal lifestyle so I don't end up like them
  • Loving them is not enough for them to change
  • It's time to let this stuff go
  • My responsibility is not to change them
I am hurt, and that is okay. I think anyone would feel a little betrayed in my sitch. But if my mom doesn't make steps to free herself of my dad's crap then I have no choice but to move on with my life. At least for the moment, I can try to still help her, but I am not going to go down with the ship if she keeps making bad choices. I am going to wait for her to talk to her case worker and see about other living options sans dad.

But mom is afraid to live by herself because I am not going to stay here. Which I made clear. I am not staying here forever. I came here to help them, but they don't want it. I'd much rather spend my time at this point in my life around people who want my help or who will at least respect my life choices and my character.

Call me what you will. I don't care if anyone thinks I am selfish for that. That's the way it is.

Monday, July 3

Nashville was a'ight.

I mean, it was great seeing everybody, but I am wondering if I have too much on my mind these days to even function.

I was barely there. And I think I am getting an ulcer.

By the way, I think the STUPIDEST American tradition ever is people drinking alcohol and then deciding to set off fireworks. And bottle rockets? What dumb cracka invented that? "Hand me the rum! And a box o' matches. Watch me light this fricker! What the--? OW!OW!OW!" Hahahahaha!

Happy freaking Fourth of July.

Saturday, July 1

Today my dad was released from rehab

Because evidently one can be rehabilitated from a 40 year addiction in less than 48 hours. Where else were my aunt and I supposed to take him? Back to my mom's apartment. Where he sat down on the couch and asked where his booze was! Are you freaking kidding me? I am baffled by how this man lives. He went through all of that just to go right back and do it the same way again. I'm pissed. What the heck? That is so lame. I mean, why would someone do that? Addicts, man. Two steps forward and three steps back. What the jank?!

I've had enough. I am definitely not giving up my trip to Nashville. I'll be gone less than 30 hours. I'm like, whatever's going to happen will happen. I've got to take care of myself. I need to get away from this freaking town and all of this crap and just breathe. I can't do that right now under all of this stress and emotion. I'm too caught up in it all. I need a break, man.

NashVegas, here I come!

Chocolates like whoa

This is my "I had a bad week and an even worse day, so get off my effin' case" sundae.