I am so sick of school. Really. I love it but I hate it but I love it.
I am just ready to graduate. Seriously, I really want to be doing my thing, making some money for the awesomeness that is me. I am good at this. I know I can be great with more practice. More opportunities present themselves the longer time moves on. And I am really praising God for it all.
It's been really hard working and paying bills and all that while going to school 40 hours a week. I keep getting down to points where I really think I am just going to sink financially. I am sick of the sinking feeling. Over it. Love and grace has brought me this far.
The stress of it all gets to me from time to time and I hate that so much. Sometimes I still feel like I did when I was 20. It feels often like everyone else has it so damn easy while I just struggle to keep afloat. Emotionally and physically.
Luckily I have an amazing man who loves me and reminds me often of my strength and potential.
It'a been almost a year since my dad died, and I still cry when I think of the fact that I didn't call him on his birthday last year. Sometimes I still question if he died knowing how much I loved him and prayed for him. Did he know how much I turned in hate for love? Did he even know how hard that was for me? Did he even know that though he was a ridiculously horrible drunk that used to beat my mom and then come after me, I still wanted his approval?
Daddy, I want to finish school so you can be proud of me. I know it's not college like you wanted, but it's something I love and at which I excel.
Alton Brown will always remind me of you.
I really miss you, Dad.