Maternal Update

For those of you keeping score, I talked to my mother two nights ago. She said she is going to move to another apartment. Her depression is obviously due to the fact that she lives around all young people who party and she cannot handle the noise. So, the woman who worries more about money than anything else in the whole world, after just buying a car she can barely afford, is going to pay a significant amount more in rent to move to a flashier apartment complex. Ahem, temporary comfort!

What a load of crap! My mother is crazy. Literally.

Excuse me, ma'am. What language do you speak?

Tonight, I went to a birthday party for one of the kids from church and I had a really good time! It was at Chuck E. Cheese which made me laugh, because kids' stuff (Entertainment in general, really.) is so different from things in my day. (And that's how I know I am getting old.)

A family of hispanic people were there, and something about my mission mind makes me interested in folks from a different subculture or world culture than I come from. Which is a good thing.

So, friends of mine dropped their token for a machine and it rolled under the thing. This little boy with dark skin and dark hair bent down and reached under the machine to get it. I said, "Gracias!" attempting use of my limited Spanish vocabulary. Then I looked at the girl who I had heard speaking Spanish earlier and I said, "'Gracias' is about the only word I know in Spanish."

The kid's mom turned around and said, "Um, he's not Spanish."

I said, "Sorry, I thought he was with that family, whom I know I heard speaking Spanish earlier."

The mom smiled and promptly replied, "He only speaks English. We're from India."

I answered, "I am sorry. At least I tried unlike most white people."

The woman laughed.

Man, I am such a dork sometimes.

Cheese and Whine?

So, I feel exhausted today. My body hurts from the battle ball I guess. My tubby bootie needs to work out more. Then I bet I wouldn't be sore for crap like this.

Met with Mary and it was cool. Good to see old pals again always. I really miss hanging out with her like we used to.

Sometimes I find it easier on the heart to just write people off altogether than to reconnect with them and be reminded about how the friendship used to be. I don't think that's a good thing.

It's nights like this I wish I had a boyfriend that I could whine to.

Dude, I know that's not the point of having a boyfriend, but let's be honest. Most girls use boys for that. And the boys eat it up.

People are freakin' wierd.

Cool things that happened today

I ate Chicken and Ramen noodles. Yum.

My friend Gina called and we are going to Vegas to see her aunt that is moving to a Vegas suburb. I'll be gone for two weeks, starting May 21!

I straightened my hair and it looks pretty good.

I prayed and read a couple chapters of Ephesians, the book that Melissa, Jillian, and I are studying on Monday nights. I've been reading it over and over for the past few weeks. I need to go buy a study on it.

I am meeting my friend Mary for dinner. I have not seen her in like two years!

I don't want to "jinx" it, not that I believe in that, but a lady from church kind of set me up with a teacher she knows who goes to Vineyard. (Just when I was telling a friend of mine that I was avoiding men until I leave for Seattle... lol) There's no harm in meeting him though.

If I could turn back time...

My church has some pretty cool stuff going on right now. I am pretty excited about most of it, in fact.

Tonight we had family night where all the teens, kids and families got together to hang out. We played dodge ball reminiscent of first grade when all the strong kids pelted me calling me "fat girl" until I cried my seven year old little eyes out. I played tonight anyway. You know, I gotta get into youth ministry, not just talk about it. Which basically means I have a green light to act like a total fool for three hours. I am such a sanguine.

Two of my pastor's sons are teenagers and took lessons on pitching from Nolan Ryan or something because they throw fast. One threw a ball that was tipped by someone else playing and hit me square in the nose. All I saw was a ball in my face, felt pain and everything got blurry. I teared up; I felt like my face was going to explode. My nose burned and I leaned back against the wall because I felt like I was going to pass out. I'm just glad the ball was blocked first. What if it would have hit me directly?

Every time I do this kind of stuff, I find I am almost too accident - prone to be involved. I usually end up getting hurt somehow.

My nose may be bruised in the morning. The hit happened hours ago, but it still hurts. Stinkin' teenagers who are good at sports!

I'll get you if it's the last thing I do Josh!! Hee hee hee.

So not the drama!

That's pretty much the consensus today.

I did a ton of laundry. I'm not joking. Like five loads including my bedding and all of my clothes. When I woke up this morning, I had no clothes to wear. So I chilled in my house clothes all day.

On days like today, my brain kind of shifts into neutral. It's hard to explain, but it does. I cannot really verbalize thick, complicated concepts; so please don't ask.

I feel kind of sad about my mom today. I have prayed for her a lot. I really want her to experience peace in her life. I wish she wasn't so stuck in her rut. I also wish she was in better mental health.

You know, I want a mom who cares about honoring God above honoring anyone else. I may never get that, but I still want it. Nevertheless, I have decided to permit myself that desire as long as it doesn't run (or ruin) me.

I am still concerned about my test at the doctor's office.

I wish my brain could handle concepts better today.

Le chemin à l'enfer est pavé avec de bonnes intentions

When my mom was in town last week, she accused me of not caring for her. I thought I would call to check up on her yesterday. I wondered how she was doing after our upheaval last week and I wanted to talk to her more often, hoping that by doing that it would help erase some of the worries she has in her head.

She was super depressed, saying that her "nerves were bothering [her]". She said she was going to check herself into a mental hospital, because she cannot continue being sad and crying. She said she'd been sick all week and feeling like killing someone. Then she told me that she had to go into the hospital or she would end up killing herself, and she added that she might do that anyway.

Who says that to her child? Seriously. My mom is so opressed. Satan is really trying to get the best of her, and I am helpless other than praying for her. There is nothing more I can do. She has to make these decisions for herself to let go of the past and deal with her illnesses. Alas, like many, she is more afraid of what could happen if she lets go than of living in constant darkness, continuing in her current state.

For all this, I am sad.

However, I have to do what God is calling me to do and I cannot be responsibile for her decisions. I can no longer be bound by her anger, bitterness, shame and guilt; as well, I can no longer let her abuse me.

If you're the praying kind, please pray for my mother. Pray for her to realize and take her chance at freedom. Pray for me, that I may deal with this situation whatever the outcome.

Gracie Lou Who and Amanda Bugette

The family I am living with has the cutest little three year old. Every time she walks by my room in the morning, she wants to know where I am and if I am sleeping; she adorably reminds her mom that yes, Meg does stay at our house now. I just love her to pieces! She wants me to play with her, hug her, kiss her and watch Dora the Explorer with her. She's so cute... I just can't take it!

Yes, world, I am an unofficial aunt again. Twice in one month!! Amanda was born today and I saw her in hospital. How exciting! Kylie Bug is officially a big sister now, and frankly I wonder how she'll handle it. She's had three years of not sharing attention and has already begun going a little crazy testing her limits. One can only speculate what will happen in the next few months.

Churchy Church Churchiness

I've been volunteering at my church the past couple of days and I really have to say that I have to be careful. One learns too much about the inner workings of beauracracy when spending all day in a church office. I love my church, but I also see its flaws.

It's very churchy and over bearing at times. I just don't know how to react when the administration wants to do cheesy things like make us wear matching boy t-shirts when we go out to do "servant evangelism," the newest trend in modern churches.

"Servant evangelism" shouldn't be just a program. It's a lifestyle, something Jesus modeled for us when he said, "the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve."

Alas, another program where we fight over winning people to our church? Another program where we can get bragging rights over the great things our church is doing?

I hope not...

Out of Parental Problems

Here is an excerpt from an email I sent to a close friend describing my weekend. It explains what happened with the 'rents.

Friday night, my parents came into town. They stayed at a hotel in Worthington,
and my aunt, cousin and myself met them there. My mom wanted all of us to go out
to eat and we decided to go to Buca di Beppo. My dad was drunk, and making
a spectacle of himself. It was really humiliating for me, because I felt like I
was 6 years old again. I was so anxiety ridden. I had a knot in my throat; it
was really hard to stay there. At one point, my mom was yelling at my dad across
the parking lot. People were staring and I felt like white trash. I asked my mom
why she even brought dad. And she said that he is never going to stop drinking
and I need to get over it. I was pretty mad. I just tried to keep my mouth shut
and stay out of everyone's way. I don't think I've ever been so quiet. I told my
mom that I wasn't happy that she brought my dad, and that I definitely wasn't
happy that she made it out to be my problem. She acted like any
average person wouldn't have been embarrassed by the way he was acting. She
thinks this stuff is normal. I hate the stares that people give in public when
out with someone who's out of control. People stare with this look of pity
and disgrace, and it is really horrible. I haven't had people look at me like
that in a long time. I survived though. After dropping my parents off,
I headed up to Matt and Kiana's condo because I didn't want to be alone when I
faced the long dormant emotions of being a child out in public with a drunk
alcoholic. I spent time crying, but I decided that I wasn't going to let these
things run me. I don't have to live like that anymore. I'm free. I'm saddened
that my parents aren't, but I can't let them bring me down into their pit of
despair.

Saturday, I went and picked my mom up in the afternoon
and we went to a store she had been wanting to go to. Walking is getting harder
and harder for her. She wanted me to drive her through some areas of Columbus
she hadn't been to. My friends from the preschool where I worked wanted to go
have lunch with us, and so we headed over toward Melissa's apartment. My mom
started talking to me about YWAM and what I'm doing with my car while I'm gone.
I am not sure yet what I'll do with my car, but she is insistent on me taking
the car to Indiana and parking it for her and my dad to use. They just bought a
new PT Cruiser. They don't need my car. Something I'm not really open to is
leaving the car in Indiana. And so the floodgate opened. She just went off on me
about how much I hate her, I don't care about her, I don't respect my
father, I'm running off to a foreign country and she could die while I'm gone,
I'm going to be begging for money like a homeless person, and many other things.
She told me that I have my priorities all wrong and I should be married with a
house and kids and a job. Those are the only things I should be concerned with
right now. I just laughed at some of the things. I was like, "Mom, everything
happens in time. I'll probably get married someday, but now is not the right
time." Her response: it's the right time for her. She wants me to get married
while she is still alive. Some of these concerns are legitimate concerns, but
with her diseases and suspected mental disorder, the concerns are blown way out
of proportion. She yelled at me to take her back to the hotel. So I did. I
walked into the room with her, and she told my dad to get up and get ready
because she was leaving. And she threw me out of the room and shut the door in
my face.

Disappointed, I walked back into the room and tried to talk things out. I explained to her that she is trapped by the lies that she is believing. I told her that she has hope in Christ and that he can set her free, but she has to choose to let him. Her life from here on out can be lived with peace, but she has to make that first step. I preached a sermon to my mother. After her talking in circles and arguing her way out, I realized that she has to sit on what God was saying to her. I asked her what she wanted to do, and she said she wanted to go home to Evansville. I gave her a hug and kiss and I left. She packed up her things and she and my dad left.

I cried, but I decided that my mom's problems are my mom's problems and there is nothing more I can do to help her other then speak the truth, correcting the false thoughts in her head, and pray diligently for her. The same goes for my father. God gave me
this amazing peace about it all. I am hurt. I hurt that my parents are people
who are lost and trapped in the lies that the devil has told them. They are
trapped in guilt and bondage, not God's ways of working.

After church yesterday, I told Matt & Kiana what happened on Saturday and they
were surprised. Kiana said that she wouldn't have even known I had just been
through all of that, if I hadn't told her. It made me thankful to God for
all he has done for me in the past few years. I know I've changed,
and others see it too.

See, he makes all things new! Even people like me!

I just want to hide in a cave until Monday

I have good news and bad news.

Good News:

God is awesome and I got my unemployment back, including the money I missed last month!

Bad News:

The 'rents are coming into town. Frankly, I just don't want to deal with their crap right now. I am so upset about my dad coming. He can't stay sober for a few minutes to talk to me, so what the heck makes my mom think he's gonna stay sober for a few days in Ohio? I am trying to stay positive, but I am just not into pretending that everything's okay right now. That's how my family works... Please, God, help me to keep it together this weekend.

I just got a wierd call from the company I am voicing cartoons for. There was some miscommunication with the unemployment office and evidently they sent out a letter that was frustrating to the CFO or whatever. Man, I am new to this unemployment stuff, and I didn't know it would be this big of a deal. Telling the truth has been a pain in the butt, however, I am not going to lie about what I am getting paid. Anyway, I have to go to the office and talk to him sometime next week.

*sigh*

Up, Down, Up, Down

Curious how life is like a roller coaster at times. Not cool, nonetheless curious.

My unemployment got cancelled. Waiting to see if by some miracle it gets reinstated. Please God?

I had to have a test at the doctor the other day and I have to wait awhile for the results. I'm truthfully nervous about the whole thing. I'm not ready to share what the concern is with the general public, so please don't be offended if I decline sharing more information...

Just generally hanging in there I guess. Once again, I am in the place where I have to totally depend on Christ to provide for me. Which is really okay cause it's preparing me for YWAM. I won't have a steady income there either. Just an influx of cash as God moves in the hearts of his people as they send financial support.

Moved in with the family from my church on Monday. Haven't really been in the house at the same time as they have, but it's cool. I kind of like it that way right now. I just want to have some me time.

The couple has two kids. Seven, I think, and three. So cute! The house has all of these framed pictures and dedication certificates, music books and books on theology. I like it here. Wondering what God's purpose was in placing me here, but I know I just have to wait...

Sad that I haven't found a cool job yet. Well, just a job would be nice. I need to look for a night gig so's I can do the voice actor thing for my friend's company. I really want to do it. It is so cool being a cartoon character.

I have been hanging out with my friend Sarah and her new baby, Elleanna a lot lately. Sarah has a few weeks off of work and has been hanging out at home by herself, so I've been coming over and eating her food. (Since I haven't had any money, she has been graciously feeding me.) I've been helping with the baby: feeding, diapering, holding, watching while she takes a shower or naps. You know, fun stuff. Babies are totally cute. Even newborns, which is funny to say, because usually newborns look like naked rats until about 3 months. This baby is cute though. Elleanna is funny; she makes little sounds that make me laugh.

Even though, I can definitely wait to be a mom. I am enjoying being an aunt for now. Plus, I'm not dating anyone, so it isn't even an issue regardless. I have spent a lot of time around kids in the past year, and I have learned a lot about how little ones work. Children are so cool.

Anyway, if you're the praying kind, keep me in your prayers. My faith is growing right now and that is awesome. I can't wait for YWAM!!

Perfect Provision

Let me tell you all that God is so on top of things! He totally knows what we want and what we need.

I have been doing some freelance work for the TV station I used to work for. Now that I am living north of Columbus after I am done house sitting, it's not really practical to drive an hour and ten to work. Plus, gas is outrageous and there was no room for me to carpool. I still wanted to help out though because I really love broadcasting! I totally loved holding a boom mic, even though I am truly not that good at it. (One would think that it wouldn't be hard, but it takes a lot of muscle and anti - vertigo. Two things I am not tops at.)

Anyway, I called and told my supervisor that I would not be able to help out this week due to house sitting and giving the young lady staying with me rides to school since she had car trouble. It was a hard decision to make. I love having a creative outlet. It's quite close to necessity for my personality. So I asked God to give me something to do.

Five minutes after I call my supervisor at the TV station, my friend Jason calls me and asks me if I want to be a cartoon character. Do I? He does some animation for a company in Worthington and they need a female voice actor. I said yes like it was a marriage proposal because I was so stinkin' excited! It's super part - time, but it pays very well.

God rocks! I don't care how cheesy I sound. I am so blessed!!!!!!

Sin is not in

Sometimes I do things I shouldn't. I don't enjoy making bad decisions, but sometimes I just can't find the strength to persuade myself to get out of a situation when I know I will end up doing something I shouldn't. Sometimes I'm weak and I make mistakes.

The good news is that God is teaching me that temporary comfort is malevolently temporary. It's not harmless behavior. It can hurt me emotionally, spiritually and relationally. It breaks through cracks not yet healed, spreading harm throughout my life. Subtly at first, then blatantly placing itself in me and producing ill effects.

I am a wretched man, full of sin. However, I know that God can help me conquer these issues. I need to stay on the path toward things that aren't going to let God down. When I let him down, I feel like I let myself down. Luckily, he loves me no matter what and will let me recover with a simple admission of previous events. Before I know it, he replaces the jankity with mercies new. (Check out the lyrics for Nichole's song and you will see what I mean.)