Sunday, July 31

I'm a slacker

And I'd never admit it in public, but I am a slacker.

I slacked all summer on my YWAM stuff - cause I had a stinkin' boyfriend - and now I am having to throw it all together at once. It's crazy. I don't even have my passport yet, nor do I have the $$ to get it right now.

And I'm trying to get ready for pre-teen camp. Ugh. Too much at once.

I am going to do my brochure when I return from camp and start raising support money.I need monthly supporters like crazy!!

All right. I gotta get back to work!

Nafu, I'm afraid I've been thinking

A dangerous pasttime. I know.

My life feels kind of boring right now. Like just blase. No real reason why. I mean, I've been working my bootie off this week. For real. I did a lot. I took on my first graphic design venture, and I have to say it looks pretty darn good. I spent literally hours on a brochure for the camp where I'll be a counselor next week.

I have to get laundry and junk in order really fast-like because I leave for pre-teen camp Monday night. I can't leave with the rest of the crew tomorrow afternoon. I have to wait until Monday because my heart appointment is Monday afternoon. I tried to reschedule, but I can't. Since I have no insurance I have to go to a clinic, and they only have a cardiologist there certain times during the year. The next time the doctor will be there, I will be in Seattle. I am not excited about this appointment at all. I am really nervous about it actually, but what can I do?

Anyway, I really hope that things get fun for me again soon. I don't like feeling all indecisive and unsure and lonely and post-sick and annoyed with my life. It's the suck. Seriously.

So I am going to dye my hair black, pink, platinum, blue, orange, and whatever else hair color I can get my hands on. Oooooo! I cannot wait! I just want to go crazy on it!

Saturday, July 30

I am in the mood to do something crazy

We're talking piercing (probably nose since I have wanted to do that since I was like 15), haircolor, something different.

I just got out of a relationship, I am getting restless to go to Seattle and I miss some of my friends.

So rather than start drinking I am going to do something rocked out with my body. Awww yeeeah!

I was inspired by these gals' hair. I found some really cool profile pics on myspace and thought I could go from there. I even made flyers that I can print out and take to my stylist.

Yay! I'll be calling you soon, Jen!

Pre-teen camp is next week, so I can't do anything until after then. Camp is going to be off the chain, man. I cannot wait until I get to hang with all of the young ones. It is going to be a blast!

I leave on Monday evening.

Thursday, July 28

Sarah & Jas

Are really great friends. I don't know what I would be like right now if not for them. God has used them to shape my life a lot. And my hair color. Heh heh. I think I may just dye my hair red. This pic has inspired me. These two are going through a punk phase right now. Kinda suits them. I can't wait till Elleanna is old enough to dye her hair! Who knows what colors it may be...


Wednesday, July 27

I feel like crap

Well, actually today my sinuses are better, but I still feel like crap. My body is sore from carrying around this emotional baggage.

I was thinking last night why I am so testy lately. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. I am tired of having to put on a happy face for everyone because I am "the funny one". Yeah, that is the suck right now. Because I really feel like people talk to me because I am funny sometimes, not because they really care about getting to know me. I can't even remember the last time someone played 20 questions with me, wanting to get to know the stuff that's going on in my life. I mean, the former boyfriend did, for obvious reasons, and his friends... for obvious reasons... But really... Do I have anyone to talk to, really? People jsut don't get me most of the time, and that is lonely. I feel like I am misunderstood a lot. People seem to get all preachy with me, which doesn't make me feel loved. It makes me feel like crap. Like I am stupid or something. Isn't there anywhere I can be for real without everyone jumping down my throat? Please tell me! Anywhere?

I feel sick of everybody being fake. I'm tired of it myself, and I really don't want to see it in anybody else for awhile. You know? I am sick of people not being what they say they are. It makes me frustrated to see people play the "good little Christian," but in reality they are hiding this big sin issue or bad attitude that surfaces. No wonder there are so many athiests in the world! Look at how we're all acting! Like can't we all just be for real about it? Alas, no, someone is pursuing a relationship with his same sex bast friend or someone has a beer and has to lie to people about it (biblically there is nothing wrong with having a drink, just getting drunk) or someone uses his spiritual gifts to manipulate people. Ugh. It makes me tired. I am so tired.

I really need to learn how to love people. Because I have no idea what love is. Each passing day shows me this more and more.

I feel like my encouraging words for others have been intercepted and therefore made no difference. I have tried to be a good listener lately, and I just for the most part cannot focus. The few times I have tried to encourage people, it felt like, off. Like they just didn't want or care to hear what God was trying to say through me. And that shouldn't really affect me, because if God is speaking through me, then their grievance is with him.

I feel like I really don't care about what God wants in my life right now. Like I just don't even care about worshipping him. And that is the suck right there, because I love God. I'd follow him anywhere! But lately, I have just been putting him off. Whatever, God. I'm not in the mood for you right now. I have a headache, and my nose is stuffy. Go solve world hunger or something. I'm gonna lay right here and have a pity party.

I know that my focus is off. Satan is really trying to get to me right now because I am working diligently on getting my YWAM stuff together. And I know a lot of this is just I need to die to myself more and get past what I need and want. I need to trust God with those things more. I know this. But, man, if I don't get these feelings out somewhere, then I am going to just implode. I have tried talking to people about what I am feeling right now, but everybody seems too busy when one is in need, don't they? You ever feel that way? Me too. Me too.

I am really worn out. My sleeping pattern is off and I cannot get enough rest it seems.

God help me. Forgive me for being a whiny brat. I need your help! I want to worship you again. I don't want to continue in this barren land any longer! I want to be done with it! Help me Lord. I cannot do this without you!! Only you can change my heart. Only you can change my attitude. Help me to combat these feelings I have with your truth. Remind me of who you say I am.

Tuesday, July 26

Fire from a soda can and a chocolate bar??

Yes, it can be done!

I was a little out of line...

in my last post.

I was really in the mood to be a shrew yesterday. I was sick and sleepy and got all crazy over something someone said. Because it made me feel stupid, I went a little above and beyond the call of the point I was trying to make.

I love my pastor.

I just hate it that this situation isn't being talked about. I hate it that when I mention the sitch or anyone involved, and I get wierd comments from people. And that emotion I have had to deal with for about a year now.

Regardless, I never should have selfishly let it get out in the manner that it did. I think that may have been a mistake. I have been posting things on my xanga (I started a xanga because a lot of my friends have it and they were too lazy to go to my blog.) by copying and pasting my blogger posts.

But today I realized that I offended a friend of mine by my last xanga post and so I shut 'er down and cancelled my account. Xanga sucks anyway. (o: Besides, I need a blog where I can be myself and not get all worried about who's reading it and getting offended.

So, here I am. Posting on my blogger blog solely again. I'm sorry I cheated on you, blogger, will you have me back?

Monday, July 25

I don't mean to mean, but I gotta be blunt.

So, I had more fun at campmeeting with the people I hung out with than at the actual services. I came back on Saturday. I slept through church on Sunday. (Sue me.) Today I woke up with a huge headache and sinus issues to boot. My face has been sore all day. Those of you with allergies will relate. I felt like crap. I almost didn't go in to work at the church.

But I am glad I did.

Pastor Tom, Pastor Fritz, the other interns and myself all had a meeting about the events coming up and what all of our jobs were. We also shared some prayer requests and prayed for each other. It was so amazing. The presence of the Lord was in that room. I know that I have been healed. God is so amazing!

But, when I am tired, I can take things the wrong way. And I have to say that on the flip side of things I was really annoyed today at times.

As much as pastors can be open, they can just shut off. To be a good teacher one has to be teachable, and to be a good leader, one has to open to correction. I wonder how open the leaders at my church are.

You know, there was this big thing that happened between my pastor and his wife and a couple of prominent families in our church that resulted in the families leaving. No one talks about it! Everyone pretends like it either didn't happen, or that it's not okay to talk about it. I think that's crap! I am not saying that anyone was more right than another about all of this; I am mature enough to know that both sides probably made mistakes. Openess has to be protected at times, but also, we cannot all just pretend that everything's perfect. I still don't know what exactly happened during that whole sitch last year, but I know that I have seen many people hurt in our church by it. Everyone just keeps trying to cover it up, and all that is doing is creating more mystery. What good is that going to do anyone spiritually? I don't understand. It doesn't make sense.

Why tell me every week that I need to be more open and soft hearted toward the Lord and trust him more, when you don't lead by example?

I am sure that being a pastor is hard and all, but I am tired of playing the pity card. Honestly, people, just suck it up! Bieng in any kind of relationship is hard. Regardless of circumstance. You are going to get hurt. So pastors, why are you over-protecting your families as if you don't trust God enough to let him handle persecutions from others? We are all going to be presecuted at one time or another, and it's not like I am saying we should be careless and set ourselves up for it. I am just saying that it's time to stop covering everything up all of the time. I am sick of everyone asking me how these people are doing that left the church. If you want to know how they are, call them and ask them! There's a novel concept!

I just don't get it. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a Harry Potter book having to call Voldemort He Who Must Not Be Named or You Know Who when I mention anyone that was involved in said situation. So many times I have been counselled by my pastors that anything worth hiding is probably sinful. So what happened in this situation that makes people want to pretend that it didn't happen? What happened that everyone wants to hide? Seriously. Cause all the covert-ness is doing is making everyone wonder more and more what the truth really is. And, honestly, I don't think anyone has enough gall to really tell it. Everyone seems too afraid. As if keeping it all under wraps will help the situation go away.

Frankly, it's confusing. And I refuse to pretend like it didn't happen. I refuse to pretend like no one got hurt, cause they did. No one ever really said that, but I can see it all over their faces.

Truthfully, all I really want is for the situation to be resolved and for the families to feel free enough to come back to our church. That would be a true testament of the grace you all preach about every week. Live it for the people God entrusted to you! It makes sense to me that what God wants is the truth to come to the surface. I know if that is God's will, the situation will come out no matter what any of us think or say or do. It will keep being addressed in one way or another. And that is my prayer for this situation. May no one be able to rest until God has his way in the hearts of those involved.

Friendships need restored and people need healed. I may not know the whole situation, but I know that much.

Friday, July 22

Here's my score on the test Jason is making all of us take...

You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavly by John Wesley and the Methodists.

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan
Classical Liberal
Neo orthodox
Modern Liberal
Reformed Evangelical
Roman Catholic

Here's the link

Wednesday, July 20

Campmeeting rocks my face off!

I am hanging in Mount Vernon this week. Campmeeting is this big thing where all the churches on our district get together for this big revival service, and we get our worship on.

In some ways (the Ben thing) I feel better than I have in weeks!

In other ways, new discouragements have come to the surface. Which proves once again, that if it's not one thing, it's another!

Oh well. I am getting to spend lots of time with Jason and his family, so that is awesome. I love furthering my relationships!

I am going to praise God no matter what, because he has given me a week of fun times. Singing on the praise team was totally awesome!

Monday, July 18

So, Meg, what's with the tears?

Well, I ran into some boy issues.

Turns out that Ben and I don't need to be dating right now. There are some issues that need to be resolved-and I mean re... solved...- before I would be willing to agree to get engaged. Like seriously, some pretty intense things have happened over the past few weeks.

I won't mention them here because mutual friends of ours read my blog.

Anyway, so I broke it off. I was pretty honest too. Like, "I'm not going to call you, and don't call me. I'm not going to screw with your head and continue to interact with you like we are a couple when we are not. So, if you see me around JHouse, MCC or group don't hug me. I know that we would be getting in the way of each other's relationship with Christ. I don't see the point in dating, when the relationship cannot further into engagement. I am not going to date someone I am not pursuing marriage with. I do not mean to hurt you, although I understand that might happen. My point is to keep nothing in the way of my relationship with God. I do care about you, therefore I care if these issues get resolved. Maybe someday, in like a few years, we could date again; I am not going to say "never." However, I am not going to fill you with a false hope either. I am going to continue my life as if we will never get back together until God leads me otherwise."

Yeah, things like that. [By the way, please keep Ben in your prayers.] It was really hard, but I have to say that God totally gave me a peace about everything. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders!

I am God's anointed. And I felt him showing me that tonight, like he was pleased with me in what I did. He answered my prayer. I have not prayed this hard in forever, I have not cried this hard in forever. I laid all of these things down at God's feet and I said, "Dude, take them. I cannot deal with this on my own." And I know the Lord guided me to this. I fasted for a period, which was hard, because I got a migraine that same day. I fasted from makeup for days. I wore a head covering, to bring my spirit to humility. I sang to God. I yelled to him to hear my prayer. I laid face down on my bed and told him that I would obey, if he would just speak to me.

And God spoke. Clearly.

I am so excited about that! There have been times in my life where I have wondered if people even can hear God's voice at all. I have wondered if I could at all. I know that God speaks in many ways, not just in an audible voice. And I know that now because God is so awesome!

I am a little bummed about possibly having to divorce from our friends because they are really great people. But out of respect for Ben, and respect for the friends, I entrust those relationships to God. If anyone wants to stay in touch, they know how to find me. I trust that God will lead them in that respect, but I don't feel it right for me to make the first move.

Completely off the subject, why do people freak out about speaking in tongues? There are seem to be two extremes: those who think it's fake or wrong or that those who do it are demon posessed, or, those that think everyone has to do it to be saved or those who try to force others into it. I mean, what's up with that? One should not be forced into following Jesus, so therefore no one should be forced into speaking in tongues. But yet, it is a real gift for today. Available to any Christ follower who seeks it. Just like the gift of wisdom, guidance, love, etc.

We live in a janked world. Christian or not.

Saturday, July 16

Holy Crap!

Megan! Quit being a sap and go to bed!!


My girl Jeanna. Man, we need to go salsa dancing again soon. Like for real. She's out right now in an RV with like half of her extended family, touring the wide open gorgeousness that is the west. I really miss her making me laugh.

Get back here soon, girl! We gotta sing to the radio with the windows down!


How cute is my Ky? Like seriously. Sick! Sick! Sick!

I miss...

My girl, Beckers! She rocks! Doing her thing out in Denver now. *sigh* But, I know she is where God wants her to be.

I love this picture. Too bad you can't see the black in her hair as much as you should! It looks pretty cool.

Shout out to Bec!

Up late and home alone

I miss my girl Gina! How funny that the first time I ever had real crab legs was on the Ohio River?!

The time is two-thirty in the morning and I am eating ice cream

Yeah, don't preach at me about health right now. I'm not in the mood. I am rather fiery, actually. It's a great time to be that too. Since it's the perfect time of day to be full of energy.

Who freaking calls somebody at one-thirty in the morning? Seriously. Especially when that person readily admits in the voicemail "...we don't really have a lot to say to each other right now."

I was all comfy after the thunderstorm. Reading and half asleep. Not really in the mood to answer the phone when it rang, but not really asleep either. Now? Oh I'm wiiiiiiiiiiiiiide awake. About fifteen or so minutes after my voicemail indicator went off, I called the person back and he conveniently did not answer his phone. How convenient! Haha! Because I have things to talk about now.

It's two-thirty, and I'm suddenly in the mood to gab. So, instead of calling my loved ones and waking them at two-thirty in the morning, I turn to my good old buddy, Mr. Breyer to console me. Some people have bourbon; I have Breyer's. Which is probably not something I need to admit on my blog.

You know, out of sight out of mind can be a dangerous philosophy. About people. Not ice cream.
Oh what the heck? Why change the subject now? I'll say it. I have a food problem. I am addicted to food. I use it to console myself. I actually feel better saying that because I don't think I've ever admitted that before. Like to people.

Not that you couldn't tell. I'm not exactly skinny. But I don't eat like this all the time either. Which is also hard to deal with, because people may think I eat like a heifer all the time. No. Just when I'm sad or not talking to God. Well, this time it's the former. I really don't feel like I've ever prayed as much in my life as I have the past week or so. I mean, like constantly. And the funnier thing is, if you think I am big now, I have actually lost weight. Seven years ago I weighed 295.

Yeah you saw right.

Not exactly ladylike and graceful is it? 295! What was I thinking? Actually, I think after that I started smoking and lost a bunch of weight. But when God healed me of that smoking addiction three years ago, I gained like 45 pounds after that. And I have lost again. And I have gained again. Pretty much remaining at the weight I am now. Which makes me want to, well, punch something.

Because I feel fat.

I say things like that as I eat my Breyer's. Ugh.

I am a sitcom waiting to happen. Or a cheesy teen drama. Or a stand-up comedy routine.

I need to let my brain shut off!

Friday, July 15

God teaches if we are willing to listen

Yep. And that's what he has done for me. Here I am in the middle of a situation that is potentially damaging, just waiting for God to tell me what to do. I have been seeking him. I have been crying out for guidance. And God spoke. Clearly. He has taught me a lot about myself in the past few months, as well as a lot about him. It's been really cool. In spite of the pain that has gripped my heart in the past week or so, I have had joy because the Lord has been showing me that what the enemy intended for evil, God used for good. I have become closer to God than I ever have been before and I am so excited about that.

Praise the Lord because he speaks to his children! Praise the Lord because he keeps us from harm! Praise the Lord because he allows us to experience pain in order to teach us to rely on him! Even though at times my heart is sad, I will praise the Lord!

So, I have realized that I have totally been slacking this entire summer about my application process, my passport, raising support money. All of that stuff. I am here to say that is changing as we speak! I need to do what God has called me to do. I need to go to YWAM and seek him even more! I know that this will be an excellent season of my life, as God will reveal himself more and more to me as I carry out my call to missions. I'm pretty dog - gone excited too!

Anyway, I'm getting ready to head off to my small group. I am really excited to tell about the wonderful things God has done for me in the past few months and to have them pray for me as I head into fulfilling the call on my life. It is going to be so awesome to share this with them! I really hope that they can grow in faith as well from hearing my testimony. I gotta make sure God guides me to share, but I already believe that he is going to because of the excitement I feel.

Wednesday, July 13

I could really give a crap if I tried

But I don't feel like tryin'! So there!

I'm sick of crying, instead of shedding tears, I resorted to having a pretty darn good day. I am waiting on the Lord. Still not happy about the sitch I've gotten myself into. I don't have a choice though, so I am just going to accept my circumstances and suck it up.

Marion Christian Center is having a healing service on Sunday night if anyone wants healing prayer for his ailments. I am totally going. If for no other reason than to see God move. That would be amazing!!

I talked to a friend of mine tonight that I have not chatted with in so long. I missed it. The guy makes me laugh and really cheers me up when things get rough. He's a true friend. It was good to not talk about my situation for an hour, but just laugh and talk about funny stuff that has been going on in both our lives.

Tuesday, July 12

My prayers are mournful today

I am totally crying out to God with every breath today. I need him to help me. I want him to speak to me clearly, and I am so serious about my commitment. I am doing anything I can to prove my obedience and allegiance.

I'm still prone to fits of crying, so look out everyone!

Ode to Gina

Heh heh. That's the funniest thing I've ever seen! Only those of you who know Gina will find this funny. I may just get an email from W himself saying that this is not funny. But, seriously, it is. It just is. Cause Gina used to be different. No matter how much I explain it, it won't make sense, but whatev. It's funny.

Monday, July 11

Prone to fits of crying

That's me. Prone to fits of crying. Nice to meet you.

I'd swear my doctor is going to think I'm nuts. (Luckily she's a friend of mine, so she's seen me at good points also.) Everytime I go into her office, I seem to be dealing with something emotionally overwhelming. The woman simply asks me how everything is going and I start to cry. I just can't lie to her. I just can't! I can't fake it in front of her either.

And today, that's how it went. "How are you doing, Megan?" she said. I sighed, "I'm doing...(Insert random crying noise here) crappy right now..." And that's how it was. I totally am not together. And I'm not pretending to be. Although, I did have a good day working at the church with Izzy. He was pretty much the only one I really interacted with today. I just had a great morning and afternoon, and I didn't cry once!

Izzy has become a great friend to me over the years. I seriously love that kid to death. We have gone fist to cuffs a couple of times, but that's nothing compared to the bond we've shared in the Lord. Izzy is always there when I need an ear. And I needed an ear today.

I talked to my mom and she is really down. I swear half of her physical problems are so untreatable because of her attitude. But then again, I'm not a doctor.

Word of the day:

Rollercoaster... Of love! Say what?

Long story short, Ben and I are going through some stuff. Not sure what's going to happen. We have some issues to work out before our relationship can advance further. I love him though. But I love God more, and will obey whatever he asks of me. I hate feeling like this. I'm not a fan of grey areas, but I have to stand firm. I will not let anyone get in the way of my relationship with Christ. Ever.

Had a great time at Marion Christian tonight. Sarah Moody and I went to the Sunday night service there. It was so awesome!! Sarah was really touched by the Lord tonight and I know she was forever changed. I have no doubts. I was so honored to be there to witness the holy spirit move in her life in such a real way.

God stinking rocks my face off!

I had to really choose to rejoice with Sarah tonight though, because my heart is still heavy. I had such an anxiety today. All day. Sitting next to Ben in church was hard. (He came to Highpoint this morning.) How do couples sit next to each other when they are not the happiest with each other? How does my pastor's wife sit next to her husband when she's mad at him? They're human! I know they have to fight sometimes. How do they do it? How can I? How can I do this knowing what I know? How can things just work like that? I don't understand love like I should. I do know that much. That spiritual gift is more a mystery to me than speaking in tongues.

Ben was not happy with me a few times today. I tried to help him understand where I am coming from, but I'm not sure I did the best job. I just pray that God gives him understanding and helps him to have peace about us. He nees to deal with the issue at hand and not stress about where our relationship is going.

God, I don't know where things stand right now, but I know that you are in control. You're my God. You have promised to be a safe refuge for me. Please keep your promise Lord! I need you more than ever before. I need to be closer to you than I ever have before. I will settle for nothing less than your face, Lord. I need you to help me. Please!! Don't forget about me. I know you have world hunger to solve and all, but just remember me too. Okay? My heart hurts, Dad. I need you to fix it.

Saturday, July 9

Feeling all out of whack

That's what I am feeling right now. Out of whack. I need to seek some answers from the Lord and wait patiently upon them. The waiting patiently part sucks, because I hate not knowing where things stand. I dislike grey areas. Not fun. I just want to chill and get some rest time in.

I am feeling a little sad still, but going to Matt & Kiana's wedding was fun. I was so glad to be there and celebrate with them. I had a great time with Erica, dancing the afternoon away. I made up many dances to songs. It's just fun to get out and have a good time sometimes. I made the decision this morning that I was going to have a good time at the wedding. I wasn't going to let anything get in my way. I asked God to help me have a good time and really enjoy things. He answered my prayer, too, cause I did. I even had the honor of praying with Kiana right before she and Matt left for their first night together. It was so cool! Erica was there too and prayed as well. I love getting the chance to pray for people. You know, helping out or blessing someone else really helps me be blessed instead of feeling all janked.

I am going to make it through this time because the Lord is my deliverer! I know he hears my prayers. I know he knows the heaviness of my heart right now and he knows how much I am aching on the inside. He knows how much I need him and he will help me to know what I am supposed to do from here.

God, seal the aforementioned paragraph in Jesus' name! Let it come to pass. Guide in me in what I am supposed to do from here. Lord, tell me what I am supposed to do! Speak clearly, Lord. I need a word from you right now. I need to know where to go from here. Please Lord! Help me to know for sure. I'm desperate here. I beg you to hear my prayers!!

More Vegas pics!

Meg and Sean Connery. Oh yeah!
Meg and Gina with Ben Affleck

Meg kissing Brad Pitt!

Meg and Marilyn

Meg and W

Friday, July 8


Yeah. I'm emotionally drained. Really tired. Cranky. I need to let God resolve some issues. I cried from Evansville to Louisville. I miss Gina. I want my mom to be healthy. I am not sure what's going to happen in my future. I had some pretty intense convos with Ben on the way back. Emotionally drained. Want a hug. Miss hanging with my girls. I miss Becca. I feel lonely. And sad. Crying.

Turns out it was for real

My mom ended up having a heart attack, and Ben and I drove down to see her in hospital. I am really glad I did because it made her happy. So, she loves him, and seems to really "be good" for people that come to meet her. Haha!

Anyway, the heart attack was mild and she was released from the hospital yesterday afternoon. She is going to lunch today with us and a couple of my friends. I am really excited about Ben meeting and getting to wax philosophical with everyone.

I'll post more when we return to OH. Thanks for your prayers!

Wednesday, July 6

Please pray for my mom

My uncle just called me and said that she went into the hospital just a little while ago because she cannot breathe. The doctors cannot figure out why. They say it's psychosomatic. I know it's because she's afflicted.

And I know that I know how to pray for her, but I have no money to go home on. I can't even afford my insurance that is coming up in like two weeks. My car needs an oil change and I haven't the $$ for that either. Like no money at all. All my dough is going to bills. Ugh.

But I know that God will provide for me. That's his job. And he will take care of my mother. That's his job. If his will is for her to be healed, she will get it. If not through me, then through someone else.

But right now in spite of the truth in my heart, I have to cry. I am sad that my mom is living like this. God, please help her. Please help me to know what to do. We need your help, Lord.

Tuesday, July 5

Finally! Vegas pics!

Me and Sarah Michelle Gellar. AKA "Buffy"

It's not about the fireworks!

So, I was sitting at home thinking about today being the first Fourth of July that Ben and I have spent together and we're not going to see fireworks together. That's dumb. He's going to go see fireworks, why don't I go with him? Duh.

So, I went and hung out with him and the people he was with which was cool. Then I went over to his apartment until like one in the morning. We talked so much about some pretty deep stuff. I was totally shocked how much we talked about.

And to think that I almost missed it pains me greatly. I was kind of being a brat earlier, saying that I didn't want to go with him. It was funny in a way, because I didn't even consider his feelings about spending time with me. I mean, we did spend some serious time together this morning at Jason & Sarah's house. You know, playing Soul CaliburII. That's pretty stinkin' serious too. You know...

Back on a serious note, I am so glad that God has put us together because Ben really opens up to me about things. He's pretty open. He'll get more open as time goes on too. I know I have to earn his trust in a way, which is okay with me. I wouldn't really want to be with anyone that let me bully them into telling me stuff. I'd much rather let the person choose to open up. Things are much more beautiful that way.

Wow, I am really mixing being serious on here with random silly jokes and stuff in my head, so I know it's time to go now.


Monday, July 4

Who needs fireworks?

I received many offers tonight to go see fireworks with people and I have declined. I totally am chilling at home this evening.

I found a link to a - funny as all get out - video.

Gonna do some laundry, read a little and pray for awhile. It would be good to pray.

Sunday, July 3

My heart is broken and I don't know why

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. I awakened with a sadness looming over me and I don't have much explanation for it. So, I am going to attempt to put my thoughts together.

I know that the past couple of days a couple of people have brought to my attention the fact that they are concerned about me going to Seattle and leaving Ben. I have taken what they said to heart and prayed that God would reveal to us what we are supposed to do. It has been suggested that Ben and I go on a DTS together, but I know that he is not feeling lead to do that. I prayed and asked God to reveal to Ben what he is supposed to do. I feel kind of sad like I don't want to leave the relationships I have been exposed to here. I went from wanting to run last year, to loving the relationships this year while still being prepared to leave, to loving the relationships so much part of me doesn't want to leave.

My small group leader has been calling me the past few days, suggesting that maybe I should go pray for a man from our church that has cancer. God has revealed to me that he wants me to use the gift of healing. This issue has come up in my life quite often recently. Yesterday, I was at a store and this lady I was talking to there was from Texas and said she had to drive home, but she wasn't sure how she would do it because her back was really hurting. I left the store after our conversation wondering how I could help this lady. I ended up going back into the store and laying hands on the lady, praying for her back to be healed. I've never done that before in my life! So, I have used the ability to pray for healing, and I believe that God heals people today. I just didn't feel that I should go pray for this man to be healed from cancer. I felt that it was time for him to go home to be with Jesus. I really felt like he was going to die, but I finally decided yesterday that I would at least go visit him and then if his family asked for prayer for healing I would do that. I had decided I was going today after church and that I would ask my small group leader to go with me.

At church this morning, Pastor Kevin announced that the man died last night at 10:30.

Part of me feels sad, like I missed out on something big. Like I missed an opportunity to minister. But the truth is, if it was God's will for this man to be healed, wouldn't he have been healed through someone else? Even if not through me, wouldn't it have happened anyway? But in spite of that truth, I feel guilty. I feel like I failed. But the spirit didn't lead me to pray for him, I basically broke down and decided to go visit him out of respect for my leader. Hmmm. Maybe that's a whole different can of worms.

Also, I went up to the altar to pray for a friend of mine this morning. As I prayed for her, I felt like I should talk to her a little bit about stepping out into freedom. I know this girl, and she has a lot of issues with feeling bound and constricted by things in her life. I won't say more than that, as quite a few people from my church read this and may have seen me pray for her this morning. Anyway, in the middle of my speaking, a lady from chruch came up and whispered in her ear. Then the lady reached over to me and said, "Sorry to interrupt you, but I needed to ask her a question." I was thinking it was no big deal. Then the lady leaned over to the girl again and whispered something to her one more time. I just waited on the Lord for mention of what I was supposed to do next. Like, what was I supposed to pray or was I just supposed to sit quietly, just being supportive? What? Well, the Lord quickly guided, because the lady leaned over to me and said, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I know what ____ is dealing with right now. So, I need to talk with her." So, I said, "Oh, no big deal. That's God, man. It's God getting through, and that what needs to happen."

That was awesome. It was orderly. God seems to prefer that way of doing things. So I cried with my friend as she was prayed over by this other lady, I prayed quietly as my friend tightened her grip on my hand with each gut - wrenching sob that followed the prayers. God really got through to her in some ways.

The funny thing about that is that somewhere in between going up to pray for someone else and walking back to my seat, the praying became about me and my feelings. I started to doubt, like, if when I spoke to my friend, I was really hearing from God or not. Maybe what I said was used to pave her heart for when the other lady came up to pray/talk with her. I don't know. But again, I felt like I missed out on something or even like I had done something wrong. But all I did was listen to the spirit of God. You know?

Stinkin' demons! Get off my back in Jesus' name!

I'm thinking I may get some prayer from my JHouse friends tonight. I need God to minister to my heart and ease my mind about these things. I know these feelings of guilt aren't from God. That's not his bag.

So if you think about it, pray for me, all right?

Saturday, July 2

This is harder than it looks...

The other night during kinship group, the female host (our group is hosted by a married couple) came over to me and asked if she could pray for me. She did, and then talked to me about this vision she had of me standing next to a deep lake. I was standing very stiff, with my arms down at both sides, afraid to go in. She said, "I know the lake represents a relationship, but I'm not sure if it's your relationship with God or Ben." I knew it was my relationship with Ben that I needed to talk about, so I opened up to her about it.

So, being in a relationship is harder than it looks. Seriously part of me has been freaking out in some ways because I have been a little apprehensive about someone getting to know me really well. You know, like really getting into my head and my heart. It's funny though, because I have opened up to some girls I know who are married and stuff and it's been really neat to find out that I am not the only one who feels this way about relationships. It's hard to let someone in! How do people who don't have God in their lives have a healthy relationship? I'm not trying to be mean when I say that. Like I sincerely wonder how they do it, because I have a relationship with Jesus and it's still freaking hard for me. It's hard to trust another person with all of those intimate secrets of your life. It's not totally easy, but like I said, it's been good to talk with others and see that I am not alone.

That night, Ben and I had the best conversation I think to date. It was amazing just being his friend. I know that he started paying on a ring and whatever, and I am really girly excited about that! However, I don't want to get so caught up in the future that I forget to just treasure the moments I have with him right now. I really enjoy hanging out with our friends and laughing and flirting and acting silly. I love it! I want to be friends and build on that for our future. It's so cool to be romanced!

On Wednesday, Ben met me at my house before the block party and gave me a Prayer Journal that he made for me. It is so beautiful! I absolutely love it. He took a notebook and painted it. Then, he basically scrapbooked the front of it, adding really cool stamp lettering and some cool textured paper. I know this boy well enough to know that when he makes things like that, he doesn't just throw it together. He takes his time, obsessing over color and layout. I know he spent probably close to an hour trying different pieces of paper until he was sure that it was something that would be pleasing to me. I don't think I've ever loved a gift more. And the most romantic part is that he gave me a gift that pointed me toward God. Man, that just blows me away! I got home that night and put that journal in my hands, sat on my bed and cried out of sheer joy. I praised God for Ben and who he is, as well as what he is becoming in my life. I am so excited about this relationship, even though I know it won't always be easy.

This adventure called life is going to be lots of awesome with Ben by my side! This I know for sure.