Well, actually today my sinuses are better, but I still feel like crap. My body is sore from carrying around this emotional baggage.
I was thinking last night why I am so testy lately. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. I am tired of having to put on a happy face for everyone because I am "the funny one". Yeah, that is the suck right now. Because I really feel like people talk to me because I am funny sometimes, not because they really care about getting to know me. I can't even remember the last time someone played 20 questions with me, wanting to get to know the stuff that's going on in my life. I mean, the former boyfriend did, for obvious reasons, and his friends... for obvious reasons... But really... Do I have anyone to talk to, really? People jsut don't get me most of the time, and that is lonely. I feel like I am misunderstood a lot. People seem to get all preachy with me, which doesn't make me feel loved. It makes me feel like crap. Like I am stupid or something. Isn't there anywhere I can be for real without everyone jumping down my throat? Please tell me! Anywhere?
I feel sick of everybody being fake. I'm tired of it myself, and I really don't want to see it in anybody else for awhile. You know? I am sick of people not being what they say they are. It makes me frustrated to see people play the "good little Christian," but in reality they are hiding this big sin issue or bad attitude that surfaces. No wonder there are so many athiests in the world! Look at how we're all acting! Like can't we all just be for real about it? Alas, no, someone is pursuing a relationship with his same sex bast friend or someone has a beer and has to lie to people about it (biblically there is nothing wrong with having a drink, just getting drunk) or someone uses his spiritual gifts to manipulate people. Ugh. It makes me tired. I am so tired.
I really need to learn how to love people. Because I have no idea what love is. Each passing day shows me this more and more.
I feel like my encouraging words for others have been intercepted and therefore made no difference. I have tried to be a good listener lately, and I just for the most part cannot focus. The few times I have tried to encourage people, it felt like, off. Like they just didn't want or care to hear what God was trying to say through me. And that shouldn't really affect me, because if God is speaking through me, then their grievance is with him.
I feel like I really don't care about what God wants in my life right now. Like I just don't even care about worshipping him. And that is the suck right there, because I love God. I'd follow him anywhere! But lately, I have just been putting him off. Whatever, God. I'm not in the mood for you right now. I have a headache, and my nose is stuffy. Go solve world hunger or something. I'm gonna lay right here and have a pity party.
I know that my focus is off. Satan is really trying to get to me right now because I am working diligently on getting my YWAM stuff together. And I know a lot of this is just I need to die to myself more and get past what I need and want. I need to trust God with those things more. I know this. But, man, if I don't get these feelings out somewhere, then I am going to just implode. I have tried talking to people about what I am feeling right now, but everybody seems too busy when one is in need, don't they? You ever feel that way? Me too. Me too.
I am really worn out. My sleeping pattern is off and I cannot get enough rest it seems.
God help me. Forgive me for being a whiny brat. I need your help! I want to worship you again. I don't want to continue in this barren land any longer! I want to be done with it! Help me Lord. I cannot do this without you!! Only you can change my heart. Only you can change my attitude. Help me to combat these feelings I have with your truth. Remind me of who you say I am.