Wednesday, July 27

I feel like crap

Well, actually today my sinuses are better, but I still feel like crap. My body is sore from carrying around this emotional baggage.

I was thinking last night why I am so testy lately. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. I am tired of having to put on a happy face for everyone because I am "the funny one". Yeah, that is the suck right now. Because I really feel like people talk to me because I am funny sometimes, not because they really care about getting to know me. I can't even remember the last time someone played 20 questions with me, wanting to get to know the stuff that's going on in my life. I mean, the former boyfriend did, for obvious reasons, and his friends... for obvious reasons... But really... Do I have anyone to talk to, really? People jsut don't get me most of the time, and that is lonely. I feel like I am misunderstood a lot. People seem to get all preachy with me, which doesn't make me feel loved. It makes me feel like crap. Like I am stupid or something. Isn't there anywhere I can be for real without everyone jumping down my throat? Please tell me! Anywhere?

I feel sick of everybody being fake. I'm tired of it myself, and I really don't want to see it in anybody else for awhile. You know? I am sick of people not being what they say they are. It makes me frustrated to see people play the "good little Christian," but in reality they are hiding this big sin issue or bad attitude that surfaces. No wonder there are so many athiests in the world! Look at how we're all acting! Like can't we all just be for real about it? Alas, no, someone is pursuing a relationship with his same sex bast friend or someone has a beer and has to lie to people about it (biblically there is nothing wrong with having a drink, just getting drunk) or someone uses his spiritual gifts to manipulate people. Ugh. It makes me tired. I am so tired.

I really need to learn how to love people. Because I have no idea what love is. Each passing day shows me this more and more.

I feel like my encouraging words for others have been intercepted and therefore made no difference. I have tried to be a good listener lately, and I just for the most part cannot focus. The few times I have tried to encourage people, it felt like, off. Like they just didn't want or care to hear what God was trying to say through me. And that shouldn't really affect me, because if God is speaking through me, then their grievance is with him.

I feel like I really don't care about what God wants in my life right now. Like I just don't even care about worshipping him. And that is the suck right there, because I love God. I'd follow him anywhere! But lately, I have just been putting him off. Whatever, God. I'm not in the mood for you right now. I have a headache, and my nose is stuffy. Go solve world hunger or something. I'm gonna lay right here and have a pity party.

I know that my focus is off. Satan is really trying to get to me right now because I am working diligently on getting my YWAM stuff together. And I know a lot of this is just I need to die to myself more and get past what I need and want. I need to trust God with those things more. I know this. But, man, if I don't get these feelings out somewhere, then I am going to just implode. I have tried talking to people about what I am feeling right now, but everybody seems too busy when one is in need, don't they? You ever feel that way? Me too. Me too.

I am really worn out. My sleeping pattern is off and I cannot get enough rest it seems.

God help me. Forgive me for being a whiny brat. I need your help! I want to worship you again. I don't want to continue in this barren land any longer! I want to be done with it! Help me Lord. I cannot do this without you!! Only you can change my heart. Only you can change my attitude. Help me to combat these feelings I have with your truth. Remind me of who you say I am.


blue67ccm said...

Margaret Becker once sang a great song called "Honesty". Some of the words included...

"God's not afraid of your honesty
He can heal your heart if you speak honestly
Humble sorrow and the honest cry
He will not pass by

So many of us
Spend so much time
Smooting things over
Pretending we're fine
As if life could ever be
So cut and dried
But you my friend
You've got that passionate heart
It'll curse you sometimes
But it can take you far
When you let Him tame it
You will be just fine..."

Be free to be completely honest with God; it's one of the most liberating experiences a Christian can ever have.

I know I can't knock Him off the throne with my whining, and, incredibly, He puts up with it! Then when I shut up, He's actually still around to say something, and love Him in spite of myself.

My God send you people who are honest, and, are like what a friend once said of himself....

"The Christian with heathen tendencies..."


Tigerbcc said...

Megan, You go right ahead and be real with me. I don't care if you are not funny all the time. I just love being around you because you try to be who you really are all the time! If you need to talk I am good at listening not so good at giving advice but really good at listening and I am praying for you! Keep crying out to God. Keep listening to what He is telling you. Don't let Satan steal your joy-he's just a big poop head! Love ya girl. Aaron and I are both praying for ya!

Nathan said...


When I was growing up, my pastor had a saying... "There's only two times to pray--when you feel like it, and when you don't feel like it." You're probably doing this already, but say a little prayer for guidance and wisdom before giving encouragement, even if it's only a few words. Make sure that it's God speaking through you. I'm not trying to discourage you or accuse you of anything, but if you make sure that it's God doing the encouragement and not Megan, then you can rest in the fact that if the person has problems with it, they have a problem with God, not you.

Be strong, even when you're on empty. It's when you're on empty that God shows himself in the midst of all of the junk in our lives. Besides, if everything was 100% perfect all of the time, life would be pretty stinkin' boring...