Long story short, Ben and I are going through some stuff. Not sure what's going to happen. We have some issues to work out before our relationship can advance further. I love him though. But I love God more, and will obey whatever he asks of me. I hate feeling like this. I'm not a fan of grey areas, but I have to stand firm. I will not let anyone get in the way of my relationship with Christ. Ever.
Had a great time at Marion Christian tonight. Sarah Moody and I went to the Sunday night service there. It was so awesome!! Sarah was really touched by the Lord tonight and I know she was forever changed. I have no doubts. I was so honored to be there to witness the holy spirit move in her life in such a real way.
God stinking rocks my face off!
I had to really choose to rejoice with Sarah tonight though, because my heart is still heavy. I had such an anxiety today. All day. Sitting next to Ben in church was hard. (He came to Highpoint this morning.) How do couples sit next to each other when they are not the happiest with each other? How does my pastor's wife sit next to her husband when she's mad at him? They're human! I know they have to fight sometimes. How do they do it? How can I? How can I do this knowing what I know? How can things just work like that? I don't understand love like I should. I do know that much. That spiritual gift is more a mystery to me than speaking in tongues.
Ben was not happy with me a few times today. I tried to help him understand where I am coming from, but I'm not sure I did the best job. I just pray that God gives him understanding and helps him to have peace about us. He nees to deal with the issue at hand and not stress about where our relationship is going.
God, I don't know where things stand right now, but I know that you are in control. You're my God. You have promised to be a safe refuge for me. Please keep your promise Lord! I need you more than ever before. I need to be closer to you than I ever have before. I will settle for nothing less than your face, Lord. I need you to help me. Please!! Don't forget about me. I know you have world hunger to solve and all, but just remember me too. Okay? My heart hurts, Dad. I need you to fix it.