God is so amazing, and so good to me.
Wednesday, March 30
Tuesday, March 22
I look around at these sand textured white walls and I am glad they cannot talk. I have cried a lot in this room. I have told God off a lot in this room. I have considered stepping out of his will a lot in this room. Many times I have looked at my friend's momentos she left on shelves while she danced salsa in Equador. I look at pictures of her family, her friends and especially the tribute picture of her sister who passed away last year. It hangs conventiently above the computer desk surrounded by inspirational sayings and scripture verses. I wonder how many times she has cried in this room...
I am super excited about where my life is going right now. I have no idea where I'll be living, working or doing anything. I know I'll be in Seattle in September at the YWAM base and I know that I'll be attending my church until then. I am finally okay saying to people that things are up in the air.
I am also a little nervous. Seattle is a big place and I will be surrounded by all new people. I will also be going on a mission trip overseas and I have no idea as of yet where that will be.
I am going to miss this room; I will desperately miss my housemates. I have bonded with them so much. We have all shared some pretty intense experiences over the past few months, but we have also had a lot of fun. They make me laugh. I will forevermore have a fondness of American Idol after all the weeks we have spent voting for Bo Bice, along with every NASCAR lovin', Bush votin', Firebird drivin' American.
There is definitely something to be said for living in community with people, being intimately involved in each others' lives.
To Amee, Gina and Mandy:
You will forever be in my heart. Thank you for sharing your home with me. You made me feel accepted and loved, and somewhere along the way this became my home too. Thank you for your openness and honesty. May God bless you abundantly for being such a blessing to me. I am so thankful that I can call you my friends.
Sunday, March 20
If you know me personally, you know that I am completely clueless about men. Seriously, let me preface. I have tried so hard to bring my self - esteem back up after years of abuse suffered during my childhood. So, that said, I sometimes go through life unaware of male allure focused in my direction. Don't get me wrong -- I know I can flirt -- and it's not like I never have crushes on guys. (Hello? I'm an idealist.) But I almost never notice if a guy likes me. Every time I think some guy may, I quickly remember how many times I have chanced romance only to be heartbroken, discouraged.
All right, so this weekend I went to my hometown to hang out with my friend Gina and her hubby, Ryan. A couple of my friends from Columbus were going and graciously took me with them. Gina & Ryan used to live here in Ohio and have visited often, so it was our turn to step up to the plate. Knowing that we were coming, Gina conveniently planned her husband's birthday party for this past Saturday.
So, quite a few people were hanging out at the birthday soiree: eating pizza and cheesecake, playing games like Euchre and Apples to Apples. We were having a good time. In conversation, I noticed that Ryan's friend is not wearing his wedding ring. His wife didn't come to the party, so rather than rudely ask if he was still married, I whispered it to Gina. Gina proceeded to bring it up out loud to the guy. Feeling a little embarassed, I made sure to point out that I noticed he had no ring on. (Hey, I'm 26, and I've learned to pay attention to these things.) Evidently, that was a green light for him to stare at me all evening. I mean all evening. I've seen me in the mirror. I'm not sure why he needed to look at me that much.
Looky McStarington, myself and Ryan set up TimeSplitters 2 on the Gamecube and we all three plopped on the couch, me in the middle. We started shooting each other and the bots in the game, and after like two rounds Ryan gets up and leaves. The whole time Mr. Flirty had been sitting on the edge of the couch, but as soon as Ryan booked, he slid back next to me. We were very close to each other, side by side shoulder to knee.
Now, I don't mind sitting next to a guy or whatever. I am so oblivious that it's usually no big deal. I'm not a prude. I can sit next to my guy friends and it doesn't mean I'm making a move, so at first I didn't really think anything of it. All of a sudden, I was madly aware that our arms were touching. I suddenly felt uncomfortable and exposed. For some reason, I wondered to myself if he did it on purpose. I decided the best thing to do was move to the other end of the couch.
"Oh, was I leaning on you?" he remarked, giving away the fact that he knew what he was doing.
All I could think to myself was, "You're barking up the wrong tree, pal." Out loud, nevertheless, I naïvely said, "I figured it would be hard for you to play the game with me laying on top of you over there." He stopped pushing buttons on his controller and just stared at the television screen. I noticed this because I was brutally kicking his butt by shooting his character to kingdom come. I entertained the idea that my comment could have been misunderstood. I looked over and saw a wide - eyed look on his face and I caught on that he vitiated my matter of fact statement.
To top off the evening, he patted my knee while everyone else was in the front living room. In mid - sentence, he made some witty comment about how I obviously needed sleep because I was "loopy." This was no ordinary, friendly knee pat. He was slow and purposeful, lingering too long. He ever so slowly brushed his fingers across my knee as he pulled away.
I was in shock. I mean, first of all, I haven't had a guy make a pass at me in forever. Which is fine. The less that guys hit on me, the less I have to say, "No, thank you." I am so not into trysts. If I had someone make a gentlemanly request for a date that would be different, I would most likely consider it. (Depending upon the guy, of course.) However, I just had to run out of the room after this guy made me completely annoyed. I am not a slammerkin. Don't try to be seductive with me. Manners and respect go far in my book.
If I am being honest though, I have to say that I was fully aware of the power I held. A fleeting thought occured to me. I bet if I leaned close and attempted a kiss, he would acquiesce my request. I, however, did not stick around to find out.
No, thank you.
Saturday, March 19
I suddenly became the girl who is out with her sick mother, the care giver, the charity worker.
I just want a mom, and it seems that the time has passed for us to be able to have those fun times of hanging together. We spent most of my childhood and teenage years fighting and not getting along. We have spent most of the past few years trying to make up for lost time. I feel though that lost causes abound when it comes to my high strung, anxiety ridden mom.
Thank God for his strength, otherwise I would have bitten the dust today.
I feel somewhat guilty for the shame I felt pushing my mother through the sea of beautiful people. I felt out of place, shy and awkward. It was hard for me to smile. I wanted to cry, and then I wanted to cry because I wanted to cry.
I feel so lame.
Friday, March 18
I had an amazing week. God is the coolest person I know! I was really blessed. He answered many prayers this week for me.
On Sunday I prayed for a job, and I got a call from my friend Rene who works for WSFJ. She wanted to know if I had found a job yet. Since I hadn't, she invited me to come help do some production work for a TV show that the station is doing. So much fun!
I love production! I'm not that good at it, okay I suck at it, but I totally love it. Plus, and even more than that, I love working for the station. That place has been foundational in teaching me a lot about faith. I don't care if it makes me a dork, I love it! The people are awesome and I really missed them! I could not be more happy to be back. Even if the job ends up just being for this week, I'm so grateful. The show I worked for is super funny too. I am so glad to be a part of it. So exciting!
I have been planning to go to Indiana with my friends Brian and Rachel for weeks. We leave in an hour or so. I am expecting miracles this weekend.
Wednesday, March 16
I can just get online licensure; vows and all.
I'm kind of in shock. I've never had anyone ask me to do anything like that.
Friday, March 11
The 10/40 Window is an imaginary rectangle drawn on the globe stretching from the tenth to the fortieth parallels, north of the equator. Containing one third of the landmass of the planet, it is where the greatest concentration of the world's unreached people live out their days.
- 60% of the world's population (that's 3.9 billion people) live in the 10/40 Window, and 95% of them have never heard the Gospel
- People in the 10/40 respond to the gospel at a rate 110 times higher than people elsewhere
- Only 2 out of 100 missionaries work in the 10/40 Window
- 17 million Hindus, 613 million Buddhists, and 1 billion Muslims live there, each of these religions having started within the 10/40
- 82% of the poorest of the poor live in the 10/40, but…
- less than 2% of all money spent on every form of Christian ministry is used in the 10/40
Thursday, March 10
Wait! The bolded part insinuates that God can lead us into temptation, right? Uh, I'm sorry... I didn't think God could do that. The "Devil" is the tempter.
I caught a website where this reilgious group states that God will tempt humans, and they used the preceeding scripture as an argument. I have no rebuttal. Taken at face value, it seems this scripture is implying that God can tempt. Stinkin' NIV! It always messes with me.
The New Living Translation reads completely differently.
Anyone have any help to impart?
I'm tired, I'm sick, and I'm weak physically.
I am really annoyed with one of my friends right now and I don't even know why. Stuff she's doing is just really getting under my skin. I keep feeling like we are separating and it really hurts me. I was crying to one of my housemates today because I just don't understand why I woke up one day and everything between my friend and I was different. It really freakin' bugs me.
I think it may be bugging me so much because my brain is idle; I have no job and I've been in the house for like 3 days retsing due to my sickness.
The only time I left my house since Sunday night was for skit practice tonight. I love my church. It is hard to be part of Chirstian culture though. Especially "inner sanctum" church culture. It's just hard. People are people, and they make mistakes. We're all imperfect.
I got home tonight and hung out with my roommates. They are all the sweetest girls I have ever met in my life. They have been better friends and leaders to me over the past few months than my church friends. I am dearly going to miss living with them. I love laughing and sharing stories about life, love, God and our own general lacklustre.
I saw a news special on Angelina Jolie tonight. She has been doing work for the United Nations over the past few years and hearing her talk about it really makes me admire her for what she is doing. I looked up her journal turned book online and read excerpts from it. What she spoke of stirred my heart. I can't believe what the human spirit can endure. What Jolie is doing is awesome, and I prayed for her. I asked God to stir in her a passion for him so that she would use what she is doing to spread the gospel. Feeding these people physically will only bring temporary comfort; they need spiritual food to help them through crises.
I began crying when I looked at what is going on at the Vegas base. They are doing so much there. What an opportunity to impact people and make a difference in their lives! There is so much I want to do with my life. I am almost ashamed of myself that I have waited this long to get involved. I'm almost 26! I mean, what the heck? At least I am doing it now, but part of me wishes that I would have done it all before. There is so much I want to do. Will I have time to do it all? My heart breaks for people in Thailand and Africa. I weep at stories of survival in India. What people are going through in China is so crazy. (American Christianity seems so fake sometimes. I wonder how many of us would truly die for our faith, let alone being imprisoned like some Chinese. We are so not hardcore.)
I want to travel all over the world, and for the first time in my life, I feel like I could tangibly do it. I feel like this first step is opening a door to what I have been dreaming of deep in my heart for so long. Travel and visiting other cultures has been something I have wanted to do since childhood. I have been such a wuss, afraid of what could happen if I went. Afraid of what? They seem so ridiculous now, fears my mom placed in my mind as a child. (Not blaming her. Just saying.) She brought a lot of them up to me when I told her I was applying to YWAM, and I felt pity for her. What a sad life to lead, afraid to live. It doesn't make sense. Thankfully, God is working on my mother and helping her to grow. It's awesome to see.
I don't know why I felt so far from God today. He's occupied much of my thoughts...
Tuesday, March 8
Every time I think, "What the heck just happened?" A few moments later, I make it back to reality.
They should ban that commercial.
Some people are super important to me. They matter so much in my life. I miss them, and I want them around when they're not near. I have a real fear that I am not as important to them as they are to me. I mean a real issue here. It depresses me when I feel unimportant to them. I don't want to tell them because I fear they will distance themselves even more from me. In the end, I can do a good job of trying to manipulate what they think of me. I'll pick and choose what sides of my personality they see.
Some people are super important to me. They matter so much in my life. I miss them, and I want them around when they're not near. When these people don't go out of their way to make me feel important in their lives, it truly doesn't freak me out. ( I wonder why that is with some, but I haven't figured it out yet. Is it possible I have accepted the healing for how I deal with some people? I'll have to get back to you. ) I still can do a good job of attempting to forge the "personality of Megan" to these people.
I am super important to some people. They tell me this on a regular basis. I matter to them. They miss me when I am not around, and they make it clear that I am loved. As a subcategory, some of these people are obsessed with being important to me and that makes me a lot of nervous. I have a real fear that I will screw up and let these people down. I am afraid to be totally real with them. I try to be aloof with these people as much as possible to prevent from hurting them and to prevent my own stress. I don't want to deal with the drama of letting someone down. I hate the feeling. It's empty, cold and lonely.
A few people in my life have this way about them that, even though it's against my own fighting nature, makes me open up to them. I get real and deep. I'm open and honest. It's like I can't even try to front, because I know that they'll know I'm lying. I can't help but dump the hard stuff on them because I spend so much time keeping it from everyone else. These are the people I love the most for their generous spirits, giving of their time. If I catch myself manipulating them, I totally feel guilty. I feel the tug on my heart about it, and I know that I need to tell them the truth about what is going on.
That is the basis for some of my relationships. Not everything can be categorized, of course.
So, on to what I'm going through right now. I have been feeling a little bit of grieving lately. I have had some words with a couple of friends in the past few weeks. Not like arguments, necessarily, but those intense conversations where one can tell things are different everafter.
I have a friend who is like my sister. She went to missionary training school and I didn't see her for months. I love her to death, and it's killing me that I feel not as close to her since she's been back. It's been weird, and it kinda sucks. I just want to be as close to her as I was before.
I have another friend who asked my opinion on this guy she is seeing and then got annoyed with me when I told her I was concerned. She quickly changed her story on what had been going on with this guy, in turn emotionally separating herself from me.
I have a hard time dealing with people being upset with me. Plus, I am an emotional person and I tend to over - dramatize things.
Well, I am sick and hopefully that is the cause for how I am dealing at this juncture.
Monday, March 7
Sunday, March 6
I'm sick. Really sick. My head is going to explode and my nose just won't quit running. My eyes are completely itchy and watery and I had a fever earlier today. I'm really tired and just a little cranky, but c'est la vie. I am such a baby when I'm sick.
I saw Becca today. She came to church, and it was awesome!! God really blessed her financially today through people that came up to her afterwards and it encouraged me even more that YWAM is what I should do. It's not about whether or not she did it. It's about what he wants to do through me. Her story is such an encouragement. Plus, I am so stinking proud of her!
Must. Go. To. Sleep Now.
Saturday, March 5
Let me just say that the more I talk about how I am expecting God to do great things while I am at DTS, the more excited I get. I want to go now! Who is going to be on my team? Where will I go for my outreach? Vietnam? Thailand? Fiji? China?
I have been talking with poeple a lot lately about what is going on in other countries: AIDS in South Africa, poverty in India, disaster relief in Thailand. The more I talk with people about other cultures, the more excited I get to go on my outreach trip.
I cannot wait!
Friday, March 4
I had skit practice tonight, and that was about all I did beside applying for jobs. I am bored with the job search. I am bored with having nothing to do. I am sick of being rejected by potential employers.
I've had something going on every day (or night) this week. That has been a good thing, I guess, 'cause in theory I can't get bummed about things if I'm busy. I am a little bummed about some things right now honestly. But that's okay. I am going to let God handle it.
Cause feeling sick doesn't help me handle things very much.
I'm sick of girls, man. Being friends with girls is so wierd. I can say that. I am one. I don't get chicks, and I am one. But then I really don't get guys either, so maybe I don't get anyone but me. Wait. I don't get myself. Maybe I just don't get it.
Thursday, March 3
I worked in the nursery at my church tonight and it was awesome! I love kids. I missed working with them. I get to spend three days this week with children: I sat for Pastor Mike's family last night, tonight I worked in the nursery and Friday I am sitting for Pastor Kevin's clan. I think God is keeping me busy this week so I won't get depressed. That's a very good thing.
Sorry I am not very eloquent tonight. I feel kinda solemn and cruddy. I need to go to sleep.
"I've got dreams
turn them into plans
they're too big
for human hands
Trust him and see you've got all the power you need"
I love that praise song. Southern gospel inspired, but good stuff.
Wednesday, March 2
Evidently I am crazy, stupid, following the pushing of someone else or just generally inept at making decisions. It's really sad. My own mother doesn't know me at all. I've followed people before, but I would not be described as a "follower." I may sometimes not do something for fear that I will be talked about, but I don't follow others into their self - destructive decisions. I've got more on my head than what's made by Paul Mitchell. (Thank you, Kendall Payne.)
It kinda hurt when she said she doesn't support my choice and that she doesn't want me to go to another country. She said you go to other countries to get diseases. What the jank is that?!?! She told me I am her whole world. I said something like, "Then you need to get a different hobby. It's too much pressure, Mom. As much as I love you, I cannot fill the void in your life. I never will be able to, because I am not perfect. Only God can fill that."
I know what I have to do. I cannot live my life around other people's expectations. I just have to do what I feel God is leading me to.
Please pray for me; I need the freedom of my savior.
Tuesday, March 1
- I get to baby - sit Pastor Mike's kids tomorrow.
- I got to see Becca today. I haven't seen her in 5 months & really missed her!
- I had a nice dinner.
- I browsed Henri Bendel and Lane Bryant, and had fun even though I have no $$.
- I learned a lot about my housemate Gina.
- I got to see my good friend David who I have not seen in awhile.
- I went grocery shopping and bought cherry limeade, the nectar of the gods.
- I was told stories of miracles by my housemates.
- I watched American Idol.
- God affirmed my choice to apply to YWAM.