Thursday, March 10

Today I feel far from God

That's the brutal truth.

I'm tired, I'm sick, and I'm weak physically.

I am really annoyed with one of my friends right now and I don't even know why. Stuff she's doing is just really getting under my skin. I keep feeling like we are separating and it really hurts me. I was crying to one of my housemates today because I just don't understand why I woke up one day and everything between my friend and I was different. It really freakin' bugs me.

I think it may be bugging me so much because my brain is idle; I have no job and I've been in the house for like 3 days retsing due to my sickness.

The only time I left my house since Sunday night was for skit practice tonight. I love my church. It is hard to be part of Chirstian culture though. Especially "inner sanctum" church culture. It's just hard. People are people, and they make mistakes. We're all imperfect.

I got home tonight and hung out with my roommates. They are all the sweetest girls I have ever met in my life. They have been better friends and leaders to me over the past few months than my church friends. I am dearly going to miss living with them. I love laughing and sharing stories about life, love, God and our own general lacklustre.

I saw a news special on Angelina Jolie tonight. She has been doing work for the United Nations over the past few years and hearing her talk about it really makes me admire her for what she is doing. I looked up her journal turned book online and read excerpts from it. What she spoke of stirred my heart. I can't believe what the human spirit can endure. What Jolie is doing is awesome, and I prayed for her. I asked God to stir in her a passion for him so that she would use what she is doing to spread the gospel. Feeding these people physically will only bring temporary comfort; they need spiritual food to help them through crises.

I feel like I cannot wait to get to my Discipleship Training School (DTS,) but I also am feeling like there's so much more I want to do! Will I get to do it all? I have no idea, so I looked at the YWAM website to encourage myself. I looked up other schools besides the DTS, because I am trying to feel out what I'll do beyond that six months. I stumbled upon YWAM Las Vegas. Vegas? Awesome. I found the Worship, Intercession, Spiritual warfare, & Evangelism (WISE) school. Right up my alley, but none planned for 2005. Hopefully after I get finished in 2006, they'll have one starting. That would be amazing! There's always Lausanne's School of Biblical Studies Core Course though. Sweet!

I began crying when I looked at what is going on at the Vegas base. They are doing so much there. What an opportunity to impact people and make a difference in their lives! There is so much I want to do with my life. I am almost ashamed of myself that I have waited this long to get involved. I'm almost 26! I mean, what the heck? At least I am doing it now, but part of me wishes that I would have done it all before. There is so much I want to do. Will I have time to do it all? My heart breaks for people in Thailand and Africa. I weep at stories of survival in India. What people are going through in China is so crazy. (American Christianity seems so fake sometimes. I wonder how many of us would truly die for our faith, let alone being imprisoned like some Chinese. We are so not hardcore.)

I want to travel all over the world, and for the first time in my life, I feel like I could tangibly do it. I feel like this first step is opening a door to what I have been dreaming of deep in my heart for so long. Travel and visiting other cultures has been something I have wanted to do since childhood. I have been such a wuss, afraid of what could happen if I went. Afraid of what? They seem so ridiculous now, fears my mom placed in my mind as a child. (Not blaming her. Just saying.) She brought a lot of them up to me when I told her I was applying to YWAM, and I felt pity for her. What a sad life to lead, afraid to live. It doesn't make sense. Thankfully, God is working on my mother and helping her to grow. It's awesome to see.

I don't know why I felt so far from God today. He's occupied much of my thoughts...

No comments: