Wednesday, September 27
And Monday, the great communication with God of that Monday happened.
God totally spoke to me about staying and revealed to me that God's presence in me here is important. I had a really cool experience at work with my boss. It was awesome! I have completely turned around about the whole thing.
I'm in Ohio to stay for at least a year while we work on the project (play) together. And I am really excited about all of it.
One talk with Daddy and everything really changed. Amazing when God answers every one of your prayers. Isn't that interesting?
Saturday, September 23
I want to move back to Denver. I want to do another school. It keeps coming back to my heart, and I just miss being in that atmosphere. That Colorado vibe.
I love my group here in Ohio. As much as I do, it's just not the same. It's not the same. I want to go back and do some more focusing on God.
I love my job, but I just don't want to get caught up in it too much right now. I mean, the coffee house atmosphere is great and all.
I'm just not in the mood for the "regular life" thing. I mean, if I had a full time joba nd could save up some money for another school and moving to Colorado then I guess it would bee all right.
Some friends and I have been talking about getting a townhouse together and moving to an urban part of town, but I just really decided that I don't want to do it. I'm not up for it. I'm not in the mood. I really just want to move to Colorado if I am going to move again.
I miss Becca. Like really badly today.
I have this chance to stay in Ohio and work on a full drama production that my friends who are starting a theatre company are going to put together sometime this fall and perform at a prominent theatre in downtown. They have offered me the lead. I said yes.
It's everything I've ever wanted to do. I have wanted this opportunity for so long. Definitely since I moved to Ohio. To do something I love. Acting. On a stage. In like a real play! Not even to be a star, but just to do something that I enjoy. And I really don't feel like I can enjoy it. I don't even want it really now that I have it in my grasp. The opportunity. I mean, part of me does, but part of me doesn't.
All I want to do is not do this hem-haw and see-saw thing. But I can't stop. And I want to before I drive myself crazy. But I just don't feel like what's coming up is enough to look forward to or something. And I don't mean to disrespect anyone in my group or circle of friends. I am just saying that I am not sure what the freak I am doing anymore.
I don't know where I am going or what the point is. I am just here. And I don't know that I want to be. I feel so lost and I am so tired of talking myself into the fact that I'm okay. I can wait to get to Colorado. I could stay in Ohio another year. I could stay here forever if God wanted me to. I hope he doesn't want me to.
I am just sick of it. But it's almost become comfortable for me to be in this place. I thought when I left Colorado back in February that my life was just beginning, but now I feel like it's shifted into neutral. and I'm feeling a little crazy about the whole thing.
If I am supposed to stay here God, then why was it on my heart so badly to go back to Colorado? I don't understand. Another school has been on my heart, but I don't have a full time job and I can't save up quickly to go back and do another school. I don't have much of a network of financial supporters. Never really did, but you came through before. It's just so hard. I really need peace about all of this. I want to go back to Colorado, but I am not sure it's the right time even though my prayer was answered saying it was. I don't really have the funds right now even though I do have a job which is helping me out a lot. As are my friends here. If I am supposed to stay here, then you have to give me peace about it. I don't think I can do this unsure thing anymore. I'm over it. Please tell me what I am supposed to do and please let my heart be open to whatever it is you want me to do. I'm just so unsure right now and this feeling kinda sucks. I don't like it very much. Thanks for listening God. I love you. And I miss you. We don't hang out like we used to. It's different now. And the jury's still out on whether it's good or not. I wish I had more of an understanding of what is going with my life. Can you please help me with that? Cause I don't understand why things are the way they are. And why I can't just chill out and stop crying about it.
Tuesday, September 19
Thursday, September 14
So, I feel awkward writing on my blog anymore. I mean, it's been an outlet, sure. However, lots of people see it and tell me that they read it--including my ex-boyfriend, haha--and that makes me a little nervous to be honest. But I am not thinking about quitting or anything. Just don't feel like posting as much.
Tuesday, September 12
The guys have deemed our house "The Sorority House" mostly because Chad lives here with these two girls and myself. Poor guy. So we have been trying to name our house. Any ideas?
And I think they call it The Sorority House because we do sorority girl stuff like go to Target and take pictures with the costume stuff in the Halloween display.
Christy and Jen might kill me for this, but this pic is funny!