Wednesday, September 27

I am so over freaking out about stuff!

I think that all of my freak out stuff was just-I know how this sounds- spiritual attack. I mean, I kept praying for God to reveal to me what he wanted me to do with this situation. I asked him Friday night and Saturday to change my heart about staying if he wanted me to stay. And to help me be 100% here if I am going to be here.

And Monday, the great communication with God of that Monday happened.

God totally spoke to me about staying and revealed to me that God's presence in me here is important. I had a really cool experience at work with my boss. It was awesome! I have completely turned around about the whole thing.

I'm in Ohio to stay for at least a year while we work on the project (play) together. And I am really excited about all of it.

One talk with Daddy and everything really changed. Amazing when God answers every one of your prayers. Isn't that interesting?

Saturday, September 23

I refuse to replay last year.

This is so lame. I overdrew my checking account. I suck. I can't keep doing everything that all my friends who have real jobs do. I have to stop spending money. I just have to. I have kind of fallen into that trap of wanting to be cool again. I hate that about myself. It's like I always have to self-medicate and I just can't stop. Buying stuff to make myself deal with life better. I made a couple of purchases like that today and I realized I screwed up big time. I feel really dumb.

Unsure. Of most things.

The truth. Yeah, I don't always like it or sharing it, but here it is.

I want to move back to Denver. I want to do another school. It keeps coming back to my heart, and I just miss being in that atmosphere. That Colorado vibe.

I love my group here in Ohio. As much as I do, it's just not the same. It's not the same. I want to go back and do some more focusing on God.

I love my job, but I just don't want to get caught up in it too much right now. I mean, the coffee house atmosphere is great and all.

I'm just not in the mood for the "regular life" thing. I mean, if I had a full time joba nd could save up some money for another school and moving to Colorado then I guess it would bee all right.

Some friends and I have been talking about getting a townhouse together and moving to an urban part of town, but I just really decided that I don't want to do it. I'm not up for it. I'm not in the mood. I really just want to move to Colorado if I am going to move again.

I miss Becca. Like really badly today.

I have this chance to stay in Ohio and work on a full drama production that my friends who are starting a theatre company are going to put together sometime this fall and perform at a prominent theatre in downtown. They have offered me the lead. I said yes.

It's everything I've ever wanted to do. I have wanted this opportunity for so long. Definitely since I moved to Ohio. To do something I love. Acting. On a stage. In like a real play! Not even to be a star, but just to do something that I enjoy. And I really don't feel like I can enjoy it. I don't even want it really now that I have it in my grasp. The opportunity. I mean, part of me does, but part of me doesn't.

All I want to do is not do this hem-haw and see-saw thing. But I can't stop. And I want to before I drive myself crazy. But I just don't feel like what's coming up is enough to look forward to or something. And I don't mean to disrespect anyone in my group or circle of friends. I am just saying that I am not sure what the freak I am doing anymore.

I don't know where I am going or what the point is. I am just here. And I don't know that I want to be. I feel so lost and I am so tired of talking myself into the fact that I'm okay. I can wait to get to Colorado. I could stay in Ohio another year. I could stay here forever if God wanted me to. I hope he doesn't want me to.

I am just sick of it. But it's almost become comfortable for me to be in this place. I thought when I left Colorado back in February that my life was just beginning, but now I feel like it's shifted into neutral. and I'm feeling a little crazy about the whole thing.

If I am supposed to stay here God, then why was it on my heart so badly to go back to Colorado? I don't understand. Another school has been on my heart, but I don't have a full time job and I can't save up quickly to go back and do another school. I don't have much of a network of financial supporters. Never really did, but you came through before. It's just so hard. I really need peace about all of this. I want to go back to Colorado, but I am not sure it's the right time even though my prayer was answered saying it was. I don't really have the funds right now even though I do have a job which is helping me out a lot. As are my friends here. If I am supposed to stay here, then you have to give me peace about it. I don't think I can do this unsure thing anymore. I'm over it. Please tell me what I am supposed to do and please let my heart be open to whatever it is you want me to do. I'm just so unsure right now and this feeling kinda sucks. I don't like it very much. Thanks for listening God. I love you. And I miss you. We don't hang out like we used to. It's different now. And the jury's still out on whether it's good or not. I wish I had more of an understanding of what is going with my life. Can you please help me with that? Cause I don't understand why things are the way they are. And why I can't just chill out and stop crying about it.

Tuesday, September 19

I don't understand

See, I don't understand life sometimes. The way good people die young and jerks rise to the top of the social ladder. I just don't understand our world. Most people don't care that children are being sold into sex slavery in India to pay off their family's $200 debt. Some people try and try and cannot seem to get over their addictions or past a painful event in their lives. Life is so meaningless sometimes. I mean, I see $400 bags at Macy's and I think, "I could never spend that much money on a purse!" But if I had the money, I know I would at least consider it. If only I could hug one of the kids we worked with in za again. I just want to be out there doing something meaningful. Trying to make a difference with the small amount of time I have left in my life. I only get one. One shot at making a difference. One shot at showing the greatest love. That's it. One. To be blatantly honest, I would much rather be spending it overseas teaching people about the love and grace of Jesus. But that's not what God has for me. And I am getting to be more and more okay with that, even though I don't necessarily understand it. I mean, Jesus said, "The harvest is so great, but the workers are so few. Pray to the Lord who is in charge of the harvest, and ask him to send out more workers for his fields. Go now, and remember that I am sending you out as lambs among wolves. Don't take along any money, or a traveler's bag, or even an extra pair of sandals..." I am a worker in the field. Columbus is my mission field. Heck, our small group is my mission field. Some of the people in our group of friends are very unsure about their belief in God. I've asked God to send me overseas; I am willing to go farther into the field. Now, tonight, if God so desired me to go now. But instead I am living with friends in Columbus and working parttime at a coffee house. Hmmmm. I think that takes more faith than what it did for me to commit to going in the first place. I was preparing myself to go to the middle east at one point. I really thought that is where God would send me. But he still may. Or he may not. Thousands of children are dying every day due to war and poverty. Starvation. Here I sit, typing away at my computer. Blogging to a band of bored people. When I could be out there helping those children. At the very least hugging them. Praying with them. Helping them to die with dignity if death just won't give up. Something! Nevertheless, I am here in Ohio, and I am committed. I am not going to give up on the dreams God has placed in my heart. Even the ones I don't know are there yet. I am taking it one day at a time. Trying to absorb and do the best I can with what I have been given. And choosing not to get depressed over the fact that I am not in Uganda hugging an invisible child right now. I mean, what's more important? Doing what I want or trusting God by being in a place that I may not have chosen first, but where he has me anyway? It'a where I am. I gotta deal with it and try to learn whatever it is God would have me learn. On a side note, I cleaned out my storage space the other day. A friend from my small group bought the last two pieces of furniture from me. I have officially downsized. For sure. Sometimes you just gotta keep going even though you may not totally understand why things are happening the way they are.

Thursday, September 14

You're horrible at this game

Well, I don't even know what to say on here that won't sound a bit trite. I mean, I haven't been posting on here as much because I am not as needy. You know? Like I said tonight in our home church, "What I need emotionally God gives me through you guys." Which is true.

So, I feel awkward writing on my blog anymore. I mean, it's been an outlet, sure. However, lots of people see it and tell me that they read it--including my ex-boyfriend, haha--and that makes me a little nervous to be honest. But I am not thinking about quitting or anything. Just don't feel like posting as much.

My apologies.

Tuesday, September 12

We do live in a sorority house...

The guys have deemed our house "The Sorority House" mostly because Chad lives here with these two girls and myself. Poor guy. So we have been trying to name our house. Any ideas?

And I think they call it The Sorority House because we do sorority girl stuff like go to Target and take pictures with the costume stuff in the Halloween display.

Christy and Jen might kill me for this, but this pic is funny!