Tuesday, September 19
I don't understand
See, I don't understand life sometimes. The way good people die young and jerks rise to the top of the social ladder. I just don't understand our world. Most people don't care that children are being sold into sex slavery in India to pay off their family's $200 debt. Some people try and try and cannot seem to get over their addictions or past a painful event in their lives. Life is so meaningless sometimes. I mean, I see $400 bags at Macy's and I think, "I could never spend that much money on a purse!" But if I had the money, I know I would at least consider it. If only I could hug one of the kids we worked with in za again. I just want to be out there doing something meaningful. Trying to make a difference with the small amount of time I have left in my life. I only get one. One shot at making a difference. One shot at showing the greatest love. That's it. One. To be blatantly honest, I would much rather be spending it overseas teaching people about the love and grace of Jesus. But that's not what God has for me. And I am getting to be more and more okay with that, even though I don't necessarily understand it. I mean, Jesus said, "The harvest is so great, but the workers are so few. Pray to the Lord who is in charge of the harvest, and ask him to send out more workers for his fields. Go now, and remember that I am sending you out as lambs among wolves. Don't take along any money, or a traveler's bag, or even an extra pair of sandals..." I am a worker in the field. Columbus is my mission field. Heck, our small group is my mission field. Some of the people in our group of friends are very unsure about their belief in God. I've asked God to send me overseas; I am willing to go farther into the field. Now, tonight, if God so desired me to go now. But instead I am living with friends in Columbus and working parttime at a coffee house. Hmmmm. I think that takes more faith than what it did for me to commit to going in the first place. I was preparing myself to go to the middle east at one point. I really thought that is where God would send me. But he still may. Or he may not. Thousands of children are dying every day due to war and poverty. Starvation. Here I sit, typing away at my computer. Blogging to a band of bored people. When I could be out there helping those children. At the very least hugging them. Praying with them. Helping them to die with dignity if death just won't give up. Something! Nevertheless, I am here in Ohio, and I am committed. I am not going to give up on the dreams God has placed in my heart. Even the ones I don't know are there yet. I am taking it one day at a time. Trying to absorb and do the best I can with what I have been given. And choosing not to get depressed over the fact that I am not in Uganda hugging an invisible child right now. I mean, what's more important? Doing what I want or trusting God by being in a place that I may not have chosen first, but where he has me anyway? It'a where I am. I gotta deal with it and try to learn whatever it is God would have me learn. On a side note, I cleaned out my storage space the other day. A friend from my small group bought the last two pieces of furniture from me. I have officially downsized. For sure. Sometimes you just gotta keep going even though you may not totally understand why things are happening the way they are.