Saturday, September 23

Unsure. Of most things.

The truth. Yeah, I don't always like it or sharing it, but here it is.

I want to move back to Denver. I want to do another school. It keeps coming back to my heart, and I just miss being in that atmosphere. That Colorado vibe.

I love my group here in Ohio. As much as I do, it's just not the same. It's not the same. I want to go back and do some more focusing on God.

I love my job, but I just don't want to get caught up in it too much right now. I mean, the coffee house atmosphere is great and all.

I'm just not in the mood for the "regular life" thing. I mean, if I had a full time joba nd could save up some money for another school and moving to Colorado then I guess it would bee all right.

Some friends and I have been talking about getting a townhouse together and moving to an urban part of town, but I just really decided that I don't want to do it. I'm not up for it. I'm not in the mood. I really just want to move to Colorado if I am going to move again.

I miss Becca. Like really badly today.

I have this chance to stay in Ohio and work on a full drama production that my friends who are starting a theatre company are going to put together sometime this fall and perform at a prominent theatre in downtown. They have offered me the lead. I said yes.

It's everything I've ever wanted to do. I have wanted this opportunity for so long. Definitely since I moved to Ohio. To do something I love. Acting. On a stage. In like a real play! Not even to be a star, but just to do something that I enjoy. And I really don't feel like I can enjoy it. I don't even want it really now that I have it in my grasp. The opportunity. I mean, part of me does, but part of me doesn't.

All I want to do is not do this hem-haw and see-saw thing. But I can't stop. And I want to before I drive myself crazy. But I just don't feel like what's coming up is enough to look forward to or something. And I don't mean to disrespect anyone in my group or circle of friends. I am just saying that I am not sure what the freak I am doing anymore.

I don't know where I am going or what the point is. I am just here. And I don't know that I want to be. I feel so lost and I am so tired of talking myself into the fact that I'm okay. I can wait to get to Colorado. I could stay in Ohio another year. I could stay here forever if God wanted me to. I hope he doesn't want me to.

I am just sick of it. But it's almost become comfortable for me to be in this place. I thought when I left Colorado back in February that my life was just beginning, but now I feel like it's shifted into neutral. and I'm feeling a little crazy about the whole thing.

If I am supposed to stay here God, then why was it on my heart so badly to go back to Colorado? I don't understand. Another school has been on my heart, but I don't have a full time job and I can't save up quickly to go back and do another school. I don't have much of a network of financial supporters. Never really did, but you came through before. It's just so hard. I really need peace about all of this. I want to go back to Colorado, but I am not sure it's the right time even though my prayer was answered saying it was. I don't really have the funds right now even though I do have a job which is helping me out a lot. As are my friends here. If I am supposed to stay here, then you have to give me peace about it. I don't think I can do this unsure thing anymore. I'm over it. Please tell me what I am supposed to do and please let my heart be open to whatever it is you want me to do. I'm just so unsure right now and this feeling kinda sucks. I don't like it very much. Thanks for listening God. I love you. And I miss you. We don't hang out like we used to. It's different now. And the jury's still out on whether it's good or not. I wish I had more of an understanding of what is going with my life. Can you please help me with that? Cause I don't understand why things are the way they are. And why I can't just chill out and stop crying about it.

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