Friday, June 30

Coffee is the new tequila.

Oh, MoJoe, how I loved seeing you when I was in Columbus a couple of weeks ago. And, hey, look! There's Chad and Christy!

Love #1 Hair Dye
Love#2 MoJoe/Cup O Joe
Love#3 Broadcasting
Love#4 Roodewall

Must stay away from coffee...

Must stay away from coffee...

Must stay away from coffee...

Coffee is the new tequila.

Remember when?

Remember when my storage space used to be filled with all kinds of useless crap? Well, that's all done with now. This is all that's left in my storage space. And the lonely box on the left can go straight into the trash. Nice job, Meg. Way to let go of material belongings!

What's behind those eyes?

Thursday, June 29

A retest of my theological worldview

    You scored as Emergent/Postmodern. You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this.





    Neo orthodox


    Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan


    Modern Liberal


    Classical Liberal




    Roman Catholic


    Reformed Evangelical


    What's your theological worldview?
    created with

My views have changed a lot since last year. That is so cool! Very interesting...

Welcome to Crazy, Indiana

Yesterday, my mom went to the hospital where she was admitted and will stay for a few days. I called an ambulance for my dad and had him admitted into the emergency room. And then I shipped him off to rehab!

It's been the best week ever!

Wednesday, June 28

Will someone please tell me what planet I'm on?

Things are crazy here. Man, my mom went to the emergency room this morning. My dad was so bad, evidently he hadn't been off of the couch for a few days. He couldn't move; he just didn't have any energy. And evidently he hasn't been getting off the couch to go to the bathroom. He was relieving himself in his pants and therefore on the couch. I knew the past few days I was going to have to do something about it so today I called an ambulance and shipped him off to detox. The couch in my parents apartment smells like pee.

Tuesday, June 27

I started writing my book!

So, a few months ago God put a book on my heart, and I made another blog about it. You can track my progress here.

Monday, June 26


I can't tell you what my glitch is. I just can't seem to figure it out. I am hoping that the next few days gives some clarity. That would be really great. I don't know what I am doing here, people. It feels like I am losing my mind sometimes. I have to be honest. I am wondering what the resoning is. Why did I do this? What it some selfish attempt at being a hero to people here? I don't know. I just need some definition to all of this emotional chaos.

Saturday, June 24


When I am here in Indiana, I feel so alone. I can't fight the feeling. It's just like there, hanging over my shoulder. I am fighting this battle alone, and I am not being overdramatic. There is no home base for me here and I want out.

I cry every freaking day and I just can't take it anymore.

My mom calls every day. The hopelessness I feel about the whole situation with my parents just makes me sick. Sick of life. Sick of pain. Sick of me. Sick. I hate myself some days and I just fight back and forth with the guilt of wondering when this will all be over.

I'm just tired of fighting for my parents. I can't make them want to live. I can't make them deal with their own lives. All I can do is sit by and hole their hands as the ship goes down.

They both definitely would have been the string quintet.

Look, I can try to fight as much as I want to, but the truth is that I feel like I am losing my sanity. Every time something else gets thrown at me, I think, "This is it. This is what will break me. I'm for sure going to go over the edge this time."

My mom freaked out on me today. She called me like six or so times in like two hours fighting with having to go the hospital. I mean, if you're that concerned, go to the hospital.

Then, she called me saying that my aunt was coming to get her and take her to the hospital and my aunt didn't know how to work my mom's oxygen tank. Call an ambulance if it is that dire.

And as of right now, she's been at the hospital for awhile and I just can't bring myself to go over there. I can't do it. I am showered and ready. I could go, but I just don't want to deal with this. It's ridiculous. I can't stop crying. It's too much pressure on me. I can't do this freaking crap anymore. I've had it.

I am officially giving up, God, okay? You have to do something. I'm going to lose my mind here. I just can't take waiting around for them to die. It's too much. And I can't take crying and feeling sick every day either. What kind of life is this? I want out. Get me out of here. I'm done. I am so drained by all of this. I don't know how to not let it overwhelm me. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know how to handle all of this. I'm cracking and I need your help. Please.

Friday, June 23

Welcome to minimum wage

Yep. This is a really interesting story.

Yesterday, I cracked. I had a headache for like 2.5 days and I was really annoyed at caffeine. It was migraine status on Tuesday and I took a nap for like 2 hours which almost caused Gina to blow a gasket for some reason. Hee hee. She's funny. So, by the time yesterday came around, I was annoyed with life.

Side note: I get one more freaking wedding invite this year, I am going to puke. Too many weddings. You know how I feel about people geeking out for their weddings. They get all wierd and creepy sometimes. They just stop talking to you or they freak out about you not being able to make it when their wedding is across the country. I don't know. I don't want to give specific examples right now. I am just saying that it's wierd sometimes. I am sick of people getting married under awkward circumstances too. It makes me nervous that some of my friends might end up in the 50% that no one wishes to be in.

Anyway, I lost it yesterday. I was crying, yelling at God, throwing down with him over my situation. I ate fast food twice. No good, people. I felt all annoyed and fat. I was pissed about how life is for me right now. And somewhere inside me I had this hope that came out of nowhere. I am not saying I heard an audible voice, but I heard the voice of God. It's a very hard thing to explain to someone that has never had it happen to them. But God was like, "Would you swallow your pride for me? Would you work at Showplace for me?"

I was like, "Whatever you want, God, yes. I would work at Showplace for you." (Showplace is a cinema in town.)

I drove over to Showplace and asked for an application. The two girls that worked out front were eye candy. You know what I mean? Short, skinny and very preppy were three words to describe them. Yeah. Not me. Plus, they were like 16. If that. I thought to myself, "God, please don't let me work here. Is this really what you want for me?"


I got in my car and drove toward my parents' apartment. I pass Kohl's and I remember that Gina's friend said I could use her as a reference cause she works there. I filled out an application and the woman looked at me and was not very excited about my look. Yes, I could tell that. No, I am not being over dramatic. It just didn't feel right.

As I am walking out to my car, I hear that voice again. Not audible, just there, saying to me Sally Beauty Supply is hiring. I thought how funny if they are hiring, for me to know that they are before I get there.

When I pulled up to the store, there was a sign in the window. It said "NOW HIRING

Yeah, God's pretty cool. I had a long talk with the manager and she felt really good about the conversation, so she asked me to come back today with my application filled out.

She pulled me back for an interview, and I realized that I think I have this job in the bag. I feel a purpose for me there. Here's the thing: less than $7 an hour. Yeah...


Funny, God. Really funny.

Wednesday, June 21

Caffeine pisses me off.

Today is my first day sans caffeine. I have a really bad headache. Coffee has so much caffeine and does not taste the same when it is decaf. Caffeine. It is so freaking good, and yet, so freaking bad for me. I get on the train, I get off. I get on the train, I get off. I can't seem to stay off of the substance. And it is heroin to my body. And I know it is poison. I might as well go buy a box of D-Con and suck on it to make it through the day. It is my guilty pleasure and addiction. For sure.

Nafu, I'm afraid I've been thinking...
A dangerous pasttime.
I know.

I am really mad at myself that I never finished college. It is becoming a huge regret in my life. Re. Gret. Everytime I apply for a job, I think how different the job search would be if I had a degree. I think about how easy it would be to travel overseas and get a job. I could do all kinds of stuff differently, and it makes me regret not finishing. The debt? Sure, I don't regret that. And truthfully, that debt thing is what has been holding me back from going back to college and finishing.

I mean, I am freaking debt free! Why would I want that kind of crap hanging over my head now? If I want to go on the mission field, I surely don't want to do it with $30, 000 in school loans hanging over my head. Ugh. No thanks.

But I have a heart to teach English. I have been researching teaching English in Korea ever since I got out of DTS because of my friends JiSook and Jin Sook. I learned that I love Korean culture, and I loved being able to teach my friends things about English language and American culture. They asked me questions often and I loved that so very much. I have been thinking about going to Korea to visit JiSook, not only to visit her and Jin Sook on holiday, but to see if I would enjoy being in that country.

By the way, I ran into the ex-boyfriend the other day. My friend Judy saw him at a restaurant in town. Evidently he is working there for the summer, and going to China for three weeks in July on a mission trip. Well, Judy all but dared me to go eat where he works for lunch the other day. I mean, it was our usual place to eat for lunch before I knew Ben worked there. I wasn't about to let that awkwardly ended relationship ruin a good salad. Besides, it was time. It's been almost a year since we saw each other. I kind of hoped it would provide closure.

So we ate salads where he works. And to boot, he was working. And we sat in his section. He was my server. And I hope he didn't spit in my salad. It was wierd. Funny wierd. Like we didn't know what to say to each other. And never once mentioned that we broke up or whatever. Or that we used to date. It was pretty... Wierd.

Like at one point, he said something like we haven't talked in forever. I said, "Yeah, it's been awhile. I think the last time we talked was..." He interjected, "Last summer." I was like, "Yeah, last summer."

Dude, why did neither of us say, "since we broke up?"

It was an interesting meeting to say the least. I asked him about his trip to China, what he was doing there. And I'm not sure why. I mean, I kind of wanted to know because I love hearing about mission trips in general. But I kind of wanted to hear what he is going to do because I think this trip will be good for him. My mission trip changed my life. I hope he has the same result. But, it's not like I wanted to be good friends again after seeing him at the restaurant. I mean, I just don't want that.

He, on the other hand, was like trying to act like we should be or would be. Dare I say it? Friends. He asked me to go to a concert at the megachurch he goes to. Maybe he was just trying to be nice, but I am not sure what to think about that. I am still freaked out a little by him, honestly. I mean, I was in his life at a very wierd time for him. Maybe he's changed. I have no idea what God has done in his life, but... It's still kind of freaky being around him. I am so curious what his life is like, yet, part of me doesn't want to know.

I just wanted to ask him with a laugh, "So, are you still gay?"

I restrained myself, but I really wanted to open the can of worms just to see where he stands now. I mean, it was "last summer" when we talked last. And that is my fault. He attempted to contact me on several occasions. Which just freaked me out because I told him when I broke up with him that I didn't want anymore contact. So when he did contact me, it just pissed me off because I felt he was being disrespectful. He probably just wanted to genuinely be friends with me, but he had just lived a lie in front of me for like three months. It almost killed me to break it off, but truthfully I was glad to be rid of him. Out of sight and out of mind, kind of thing. It helped me heal.

Guys are wierd. They deal with things differently than I do. It kind of freaks me out. Oh well. At least I left Columbus with a bang.

Anyway, the funniest thing was when Ben said that he had gotten a job teaching English overseas. He is really excited about it and wants that to be his job as a missionary. He said the job is in, get this, Korea. Not only Korea, but Seoul. (Where my friends live.)

The freaking irony of life makes me crap my pants.

Sunday, June 18

Will the real Meg please stand up?

I learned a lot about myself this weekend. I can't say I am proud or happy about it all. I find it's easier to be in new circles, not old. I find myself more secure with new people. Not old friends. I find it's hard for me to be me. Even when I have somewhat of a grasp on who "me" is.

The play was amazing! I got to run camera during the performance, so I was glad I saw it in its entirety during dress rehearsal. That was a very good thing. Running camera was sweet, reminiscent of my days at GTN.

I also met my friend, who used to be my boss, earlier that day. It was really good as always to have a conversation about life with him. I admire his willingness to let me be me. To let me be as messed up as I am. I can just be. I don't have to be anyone I am not. And as time goes on, our friendship changes into something more and more beautiful. Something I am humbled to have in my life. God shows me the true essence of acceptance and love through this relationship and I value it. I value the peace that comes over me when I am in the presence of someone who has the gift of wisdom. And this man has that gift.

I had a rather fun Saturday. There were plenty of houseguests here at Chez Chad & Christy, and I loved having so many new people around. The down fall of this: my insecurity came back and I was overcaffeinated to boot. Friday night and Saturday morning I made a total donkey out of myself. I was not happy about it either. I feel shameful when I act loud and too boisterous. I try to grab all the attention for myself, not wanting anyone else to have it. And no matter what way one can slice that up, it spells selfishness and immaturity. Two things with which I hate being identified.

I also act this way when I am around guys that I have a crush on. It's not cool to be all giddy and retarded around guys, but I get that way around guys I think are attractive. You should have seen me when I worked at the television station. Ugh. I got all retarded over the IT guy there. I would always say the wrong thing and stumble over my words and be a total retard. It was no good. No good at all. I was that way this weekend a little. But that's all I'm saying. I am not divulging anything else. Lame. (That's all I need is to be all dumb over a dude.)

I really love the group I hung out with this weekend. I connect more with them than I think I have a group in a long time. They are totally used by God right now to meet my needs emotionally. What I need, God gives me through them. Christy and I sat at MoJoe on Saturday evening and talked for real about what I am going through right now. The girl cried with me. I mean how long it has been since someone did that! It was awesome. I really feel a real connection with her. I have such a love in my heart for who she is. Her heart of compassion is so amazing and so beautiful. I felt closer to sanity after that conversation.

I saw my friend Melissa today too. And she and I had a great talk. I was so super excited to talk to her! (I think quality time is my love language.) Anyway, she told me something that hit me. The last time I talked to her I told her that things were tough and crazy but I said that despite that fact, I wasn't going down without a fight.

I need to bring that side of me to the surface more often. I am a fighter. Things are crazy hard right now, but dang it, I have to keep going. I can't give up now. I have to keep going. I want to keep going.

If you ever saw the movie Titanic, you know that when the ship sinks, the people react to it differently. The string quintet keeps playing instead of going to a raft for safety, an elderly couple gets in bed together and cuddles as the water rises around them, and a young mother tucks her children into bed with a wonderful story. They all prepare to drown!

Heck no. No! That's ridiculous! Ridiculously lame. No. I always thought that was so stupid. I will lie on a piece of wood, I will grab onto a whale and swim... Something! There is no way I would go out like that. That's not beautiful. That's sad. It makes me sad. It's not poetic. It's lame.

I'd call up MacGyver and make my own freaking raft. For sure.

No way will I go out like a punk.

On 9/11 when United flight 93 fought back, man, I was not ashamed to be part of the human race. That's the way to go down. That's the way to leave. Making your mark. Leaving a legacy behind. When evil or death comes your way, you kick and scream and say, "Win all the battles you want, you so-and-so, I'll win the war! I've got someone bigger than you on my side!"

I have it in me. I am a warrior. I'm not afraid. I have moments of being scared, but I am not afraid.

And again I say, I will not go down without a fight.

Yet, on the other hand, the more one struggles when drowning, the lower he sinks.

Which is the way for me? Do I even know? Can I even make sense of all of this craziness around me?

How do I translate what I learned of God and his character into my life now? How do I not lose my mind dealing with all of the crap I have been dealing with?

I just don't know. I mean, it's just hard. And painful. And sometimes I want to feel anything but all the pain and sadness, so I self medicate. However that translates for me.

Dude, I know why my dad is an alcoholic. I know why people shoot heroin into their veins. I know why people have pre-marital sex and watch porn all the time. They're self-medicating. They're into the fun feeling of doing things that just aren't the best for them in the long run.

I know why I love food so much. I know why I overeat. I know why I just want to get drunk sometimes, why I think it would be so easy to start smoking again. I know. I get it. And I get why other people do it.

They tire of fighting and running from their pain.

They aren't so sure they want to fight after all.

But who do I want to be when this is all over? String quintet? Or United flight 93?

Who is this Meg? Denver/Safa Meg? Or yell, cuss and cry about it Meg? Mature Meg? Or whine and be the melodramatic actress Meg?

Sigh. It's late.

Tuesday, June 13

I look like a freaking public service announcement

Book Material

I do keep getting really good ideas for my book here. I keep thinking about things and seeing how they are full of holes. Our theology can be so messed up.

My godson - what a cutie!

Everyone, this is Cole.

Cole, meet everyone.

Monday, June 12

What was I thinking?

When I made the decision to come down here in mid-May, I was hyped. That excitement diminished day by day.

Frankly, now that I am here, as time drags on, I really don't want to be here anymore. I don't need one more person judging my motives and telling me what to do.

I am so effing bored. I really don't feel much connection with anyone here. I am just so not in the same mindset and that is really hard to deal with.

I feel so lame.

I can't find a job. I never hear back from places to which I apply.

It's kind of discouraging. I mean, what's the deal?


I just don't know what to do. It's kind of overwhelming.

I really want to feel close to God and I don't. Look, don't lecture me about "your relationship with God isn't based on feeling." Yeah. Got that. I know. I'm just saying that not feeling close to him is really hard sometimes. I wish I could feel close to him 24/7 like I did during parts of my DTS.

I feel like I can't be myself here. Like being me isn't good enough... or something.

But I also can't judge the judgers because that isn't fair to them either.

I really think I am depressed. I feel anxious most of the time. I have a stomach ache, headaches, I'm always tired.

The physical symptoms have been going on for weeks, and they are not getting better.

This sucks.

Sunday, June 11

Picture Diary

I was bored at the grocery store and took the above and below pics of myself while shopping.

This is a really crappy pic I took of myself the night I colored my hair. I was tired.
This is a product that could be purchased in Safa and most of my team had never heard of it. We didn't know it could be purchased here. But, here I found it in small town Indiana.
I took pics of myself during a heavy errand trip for the parentals.

Friday, June 9

Hair that I will never get hired with

New - soon to change - haircolor

Stupid small minded towns. I'm sick of getting stared at.

Monday, June 5

I'd better invest in lots of waterproof mascara

So, I am officially a Hoosier again. Well, for the summer.

I made it here great. I actually had a big peace about coming here as I left Ohio. I mean, sure, I was nervous about leaving my Buckeye friends. Sure, I wonder where I will end up after Indiana. But at the same time, I am not too worried about it.

when I hit I-64, I knew I should go straight to my parents' apartment. My dad answered the door and was totally in tears. I think the last time I saw my dad cry was the day he had to put our family dog "to sleep" at the vet.

Dad can't talk at all because his throat hurts so badly from the chemo and radiation. He can't use the stint that is in there to help him talk. He's in a lot of pain, I know.

He ushered me into my mom's room after a quick hug during which I could feel his shoulder blades protruding out from his back like a woman filled with the self-hatred of anorexia. I felt his ribs, and I know that he has lost a lot of weight. Which if you know my dad, that just isn't good. My dad is quite thin on a normal day.

He was very rushed with his motions because he didn't want me to see him cry. I don't care. It reminds me that he is human. I spent so many years thinking that my dad was such a heartless animal that I am glad for any welcome change in perspective he may have to offer to me.

I went into my mom's room and she just cried and cried. And cried. And she held my hand and said with laboured breaths, "I wasn't sure I'd make it to see you." She pulled me close and told me that she loved me. She is hooked up to an oxygen tank and she has a hospital bed in which to lay. I can tell she is doing very well.

She looks all right, but I can tell that she is getting worse. She let me pray for her. I laid hands on her, and I asked God to restore her joy and help her relish any time that she may have left. I asked God to bring peace to her heart and mind. And to help us be at peace with our relationship.

I think I realized that my mom wants a second chance too, and she is afraid that she may not get it. Thats why I am here. I have a purpose. A second chance. This is the answer to my mother's prayers. I know it. And I am glad I am here, uncertainty and all.

I really have no idea what I am getting myself into. Truly. No idea, but here I am, both feet in. Not afraid to cry in front of people.

We went into the living room and sat to talk a little about how things are going right now. My dad just laid on the couch, every now and then rubbing his throat and taking a drink of Jim Beam. I know he is in pain. He's trying to drink to not feel so badly. To escape form the fact that cancer is in his body. Always running. Always not wanting me to see him cry. Not show any emotion.

But all I want is my dad to be real with me. Be open with me. Share with me.

When I told him that I found an audio tape in my storage stuff of me and him singing together when I was in sixth grade, he cried. And I was promptly ushered away. But I stayed there and told him what a blessing it was to hear his voice again. What a good memory to have on tape.

And now I realize it may take some work, but I am determined to make good memories. Act goofy. Laugh together. Have fun.

Death has come knocking. But I am not afraid. And with the power of love in my corner, I am not going down without a fight. I will fight for my family! If they won't fight for themselves, I will fight for them.

And if they die, at least they will have been in the presence of joy. And at least they will see peace and love. They will know merciful forgiveness.

And as promised to me in 2003, myself and my household will be saved.

Thursday, June 1


When I think about it, things don't really seem that out of control. They don't really seem that bad.

I got a new view of things after talking with friends of mine yesterday. I have been having quite a few freakout moments these past few days. Week. And it's been bothering me because I don't want to have that in my personality. But it's there. And I cannot tackle the immediate symptoms. I have to find the ultimate cause. Which may be why I am going to Indiana. . . Anyway, I have this sort of guilt at myself which makes things worse for me. It's like I internally punish myself for having a bad day. Like I am not allowed. Or something. This is a new thought process, so I am not sure where it is going to take me. I'm kind of sitting on it for now. We shall see what happens.

I think it came from outreach. Seeing what I saw. But I'm not sure yet.

I am going to miss these people on Ohio! God used me yesterday to speak truth into some friends. Including one of my pastors, which was so awesome. God really showed me that I can use my gifts. I hope to be in an environment to do so when I am in Indiana.

God was speaking to me last night about doing a headcovering, no make-up fast again. That should be interesting. Considering that I can't necessarily do that at any job I take. I am curious to see how he will guide me to do so. It's just a thought I had last night. I have a muslim friend that is very confused about where her faith lies. I want to do soemthing for her, but I don't know what to do. God challenged me to wear a head covering again. So, I am going to see what he says over the coming week. He's still gotta tell me when and all that.

I am going through a lot lately. Personally. A lot of stuff is going on. I am facing some serious stuff from my past and my life. I am also going through a bit of depression I think. I am leaving behind some relationships here that I will dearly miss. It makes me sad. And you know what? That's okay. I am allowed to feel.

And it's okay if I have a bad day.

I've got to lighten up and stop being so hard on myself. I can't beat myself up and be all selfish about things. (Beating one's self up over things is one of the ultimate modes of selfishness.) I gotta let God do his job. It's his job to redeem me. I gotta let him do that stuff. You know?

Yeah, I'm doing a lot better today.

It's no make-up Thursday.