Thursday, June 1


When I think about it, things don't really seem that out of control. They don't really seem that bad.

I got a new view of things after talking with friends of mine yesterday. I have been having quite a few freakout moments these past few days. Week. And it's been bothering me because I don't want to have that in my personality. But it's there. And I cannot tackle the immediate symptoms. I have to find the ultimate cause. Which may be why I am going to Indiana. . . Anyway, I have this sort of guilt at myself which makes things worse for me. It's like I internally punish myself for having a bad day. Like I am not allowed. Or something. This is a new thought process, so I am not sure where it is going to take me. I'm kind of sitting on it for now. We shall see what happens.

I think it came from outreach. Seeing what I saw. But I'm not sure yet.

I am going to miss these people on Ohio! God used me yesterday to speak truth into some friends. Including one of my pastors, which was so awesome. God really showed me that I can use my gifts. I hope to be in an environment to do so when I am in Indiana.

God was speaking to me last night about doing a headcovering, no make-up fast again. That should be interesting. Considering that I can't necessarily do that at any job I take. I am curious to see how he will guide me to do so. It's just a thought I had last night. I have a muslim friend that is very confused about where her faith lies. I want to do soemthing for her, but I don't know what to do. God challenged me to wear a head covering again. So, I am going to see what he says over the coming week. He's still gotta tell me when and all that.

I am going through a lot lately. Personally. A lot of stuff is going on. I am facing some serious stuff from my past and my life. I am also going through a bit of depression I think. I am leaving behind some relationships here that I will dearly miss. It makes me sad. And you know what? That's okay. I am allowed to feel.

And it's okay if I have a bad day.

I've got to lighten up and stop being so hard on myself. I can't beat myself up and be all selfish about things. (Beating one's self up over things is one of the ultimate modes of selfishness.) I gotta let God do his job. It's his job to redeem me. I gotta let him do that stuff. You know?

Yeah, I'm doing a lot better today.

1 comment:

tigerbcc said...

I am going to miss you girl! I am proud of you for taking this path and dealing with all this stuff. You are right you are aloud to feel and you are aloud to have bad days. Of course this is coming from the queen of being to hard on one self. Lucky for us God does not expect us to be "perfect". I am praying for you! You are an inspiration! Thank you for being honest and being real!