Loneliness

When I am here in Indiana, I feel so alone. I can't fight the feeling. It's just like there, hanging over my shoulder. I am fighting this battle alone, and I am not being overdramatic. There is no home base for me here and I want out.

I cry every freaking day and I just can't take it anymore.

My mom calls every day. The hopelessness I feel about the whole situation with my parents just makes me sick. Sick of life. Sick of pain. Sick of me. Sick. I hate myself some days and I just fight back and forth with the guilt of wondering when this will all be over.

I'm just tired of fighting for my parents. I can't make them want to live. I can't make them deal with their own lives. All I can do is sit by and hole their hands as the ship goes down.

They both definitely would have been the string quintet.

Look, I can try to fight as much as I want to, but the truth is that I feel like I am losing my sanity. Every time something else gets thrown at me, I think, "This is it. This is what will break me. I'm for sure going to go over the edge this time."

My mom freaked out on me today. She called me like six or so times in like two hours fighting with having to go the hospital. I mean, if you're that concerned, go to the hospital.

Then, she called me saying that my aunt was coming to get her and take her to the hospital and my aunt didn't know how to work my mom's oxygen tank. Call an ambulance if it is that dire.

And as of right now, she's been at the hospital for awhile and I just can't bring myself to go over there. I can't do it. I am showered and ready. I could go, but I just don't want to deal with this. It's ridiculous. I can't stop crying. It's too much pressure on me. I can't do this freaking crap anymore. I've had it.

I am officially giving up, God, okay? You have to do something. I'm going to lose my mind here. I just can't take waiting around for them to die. It's too much. And I can't take crying and feeling sick every day either. What kind of life is this? I want out. Get me out of here. I'm done. I am so drained by all of this. I don't know how to not let it overwhelm me. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know how to handle all of this. I'm cracking and I need your help. Please.