When I made the decision to come down here in mid-May, I was hyped. That excitement diminished day by day.
Frankly, now that I am here, as time drags on, I really don't want to be here anymore. I don't need one more person judging my motives and telling me what to do.
I am so effing bored. I really don't feel much connection with anyone here. I am just so not in the same mindset and that is really hard to deal with.
I feel so lame.
I can't find a job. I never hear back from places to which I apply.
It's kind of discouraging. I mean, what's the deal?
I just don't know what to do. It's kind of overwhelming.
I really want to feel close to God and I don't. Look, don't lecture me about "your relationship with God isn't based on feeling." Yeah. Got that. I know. I'm just saying that not feeling close to him is really hard sometimes. I wish I could feel close to him 24/7 like I did during parts of my DTS.
I feel like I can't be myself here. Like being me isn't good enough... or something.
But I also can't judge the judgers because that isn't fair to them either.
I really think I am depressed. I feel anxious most of the time. I have a stomach ache, headaches, I'm always tired.
The physical symptoms have been going on for weeks, and they are not getting better.