Monday, June 12

What was I thinking?

When I made the decision to come down here in mid-May, I was hyped. That excitement diminished day by day.

Frankly, now that I am here, as time drags on, I really don't want to be here anymore. I don't need one more person judging my motives and telling me what to do.

I am so effing bored. I really don't feel much connection with anyone here. I am just so not in the same mindset and that is really hard to deal with.

I feel so lame.

I can't find a job. I never hear back from places to which I apply.

It's kind of discouraging. I mean, what's the deal?

Ugh.

I just don't know what to do. It's kind of overwhelming.

I really want to feel close to God and I don't. Look, don't lecture me about "your relationship with God isn't based on feeling." Yeah. Got that. I know. I'm just saying that not feeling close to him is really hard sometimes. I wish I could feel close to him 24/7 like I did during parts of my DTS.

I feel like I can't be myself here. Like being me isn't good enough... or something.

But I also can't judge the judgers because that isn't fair to them either.

I really think I am depressed. I feel anxious most of the time. I have a stomach ache, headaches, I'm always tired.

The physical symptoms have been going on for weeks, and they are not getting better.

This sucks.

3 comments:

tigerbcc said...

Hang in there girl. I wish I had something witty or funny to lift your spirts. Just know I am praying for you! Keep seeking Keep going God would not lead you there and leave you :) I know you know that ;) Love you girl ...

Chad Jackson said...

I am going to try and field the retorical questions that you are throwing out. Not because I don't think you know. Just because maybe reading them will help you get through. I also have a couple of words that I feel compelled to say to you.

1) I know you need a job, but maybe you are not meant to be there long enough to need one. Or you may need to concentrate your efforts on why you are there.

2) As much as you have been sent there for your parents, you have been sent there for you too.

3) God is sometimes silent, it doesn't mean He isn't in the room, it may be that He just doesn't have anything to say.

4) It is a fact that there are moments in our walk that we are called to go through a dry place. It makes the time of rain that much more refreshing.

5) more on the God not talking thing...
I went through a long period where God wasn't speaking to me. It took me some time (and reading) (and shouting) to realize that God wanted me to shut up and do what he had taught me. It is part of the passage from one stage of our growth to another. When we are babies, He does a lot for us, but as we grow He asks us to join in the doing. (No everyone I am not saying we can do it on our own, so keep your pants on.) It may be time for you to put what you KNOW into action. I know you don't want to hear that it isn't about feelings... but you know I can't get through this without saying it. :-) Keep doing what you know is right. KNOW God is near, KEEP talking to him, KEEP listening for him in the slience and the circumstance.

6) KNOW you are loved and valued, no matter what is said to you.

7) BE YOURSELF, no matter the consequence, or ridicule. Stand firm, you were created by an all-knowing being (He just may know what he is doing).

8) You don't have to judge a person to know what they are DOING is wrong. You don't have to call them a "bad person" to call them out on what they are doing.

We are stoked to have you up this weekend. It will be good to get yourself fortified before you go back in. If you need ANYTHING (and you know I mean it), you know how to get a hold of us.

Tom Fox said...

Remember that time when we were at Cracker Barrel and you were like so stoked about going home, and then you did like that whole prophetic thing over us, remember, yeah that was awesome! Hang in there, and spend your time honing that prophetic gift. Look Jesus and other biblical figures had to go somewhere and be alone for 40 days in order to be ready for God to do something amazing. This is just a tiny step toward the impossible.

Yeah that is flippin awesome!
Fox-Out