Tuesday, October 31

Just when I thought everything was falling apart...

God shows up and pulls things together for me. I mean, it's still hard, but I am just thankful that he was around in the form of my good friends to help me find some peace. Even if just for tonight. I need peace to help me through this time. I am so overwhelmed by all of it right now, but I know eventually things will work out. I mean, I'm not sure things could feel worse right now.

Ugh. Ahhh.


That's what my life feels like sometimes. One big craphole. I am just dealing with so much lately and it's hard for me not to feel like I am stuck in toilet on flush. And I feel like things have been this way for most of my life. You know, maybe they have. Wait. No, they have. I've had a hard life. Really hard. That's the way it is. I'm not trying to play "pity party" about it. I am just saying. The point is that I just have a lot on my plate lately. And I am really disappointed with some things. My mom has to be on kidney dialysis permanently. I am disappointed that some friends of mine aren't totally being honest with me about how they feel, and they keep just pretending like everything is okay which makes things really awkward. I was honest with another one of my friends and he told me what I expected but not what I wanted to hear. Which I really respect, yet I still feel a little disappointed in the situation. I am disappointed that my dad has started drinking again. I really wanted to see him sober, but I may not get that chance. I hate seeing him like that. Anyway, I am also just disappointed in myself. Just because I can't handle things like I think I should. I mean, when I feel disappointed some part of me gets really wierd and starts beating up on me for feeling that way. Like I am not allowed to have emotions or feelings about my life. Like just because I am not getting the crap beat out of me emotionally by my father anymore or watching him literally beat on my mom anymore means that I have no right to complain. Or feel. Like feelings are bad. I'm really wierd. I don't understand me sometimes. That's why I really need to go to counseling. I need to just suck up my pride and go. I mean, I swore I never would go back. I promised myself I would never do that again. But I was also crazy when I made that commitment. And I mean, it was a dumb promise anyway, if I'm being honest. And it's frankly a dumb one to still hold onto. But for some reason, I just can't let it go yet. I am working up to it. But I just can't do it yet. I know in my heart that I need to though. Frack. Bleh! Yep. One big craphole. I hate feeling like this. I don't like crying over stupid stuff and bawling at the drop of a hat. Ugh. It's just not fun. I don't like it. Craphole!

Saturday, October 28

Oh to be young again

Sometimes things are so easy when you are young. Wait, no. Things are always easy when you are young. At least they were when I was young. Well, maybe that's not entirely true. My life really wasn't that easy when I was young. But there were those esctasy-moments when I got good ice cream on a hot summer afternoon. You know what I am saying. I just wish sometimes that I could go back there to those simple moments and live there in that euphoria forever. I was happy. Life was simpler. Or maybe I was just naive to its complexity. Either case, it was certainly different than life now.

Here's to being young forever!

Monday, October 23

Sometimes, I just don't have the answers.

You know, I don't know everything. And I can't read your mind. Just so you all know.

Man, I am really frustrated with some things lately. I have a couple of friendships that just seem to be awkward or wierd no matter what I do and I hate that. It's so draining. And then crazy stuff happens that's out of my control and it's just wierd. And wierd again.

I mean, I can't control what other people think. Never have been able to. Oh, I've tried. I've attempted. And I have failed miserably. Sometimes, I just don't know what to do anymore. And I get really frustrated really easily after long periods of awkwardness with people. It's lame.

I don't know what to do to make things better sometimes. And after enough of that, I just want to give up. Cause I feel like I've exhausted a lot of avenues to make things better, but it just doesn't get better. I end up taking the other person's pain onto my shoulders and carrying it around. It's not my job to do so. My job is to let God handle those things. But I keep making myself crazy trying to figure out what I am doing wrong. Or what else I could do to make it better. But I don't know. I just don't have the answers.

Try again? Sure. I will. But if other psrties don't start to give a little as well, things will never get better. I'm just saying.

Recognize this. Do something about it.

I'm not a magician people.

Friday, October 20

Fix the symptom, not the problem

That's what I am working on doing. I can't keep living with this guilt anymore. Things were not my fault growing up. I had nothing to do with it. I was a kid, and I am tired of beating myself up and overthinking everything. I am tired of being so hard on me. I mean, what did Jesus die for, but my freedom? And living like this isn't freedom. It isn't. It's trapping. A box. A big fat cell for me to serve a life sentence inside of. Screw that. I'm not going to do it anymore. I just realized this past weekend that I have guilt issues. I had never really previously thought about it, I mean, I knew that I had spent a lot of my life feeling like the abuse I suffered was my fault. However, I did not until recently realize that I had taken it upon myself to hold my parents together. Save them. Fix them. You know, that's not my job. It's God's job. I don't have to take on that kind of pressure. Anyway, all this stuff, along with my overeating and everything I am facing has me thinking. I really do think I have an eating disorder. And it might be linked to some sort of obsessive compulsive thing. Most eating disorders are I have found. That makes me nervous. But, you know... Life goes on I guess. I am thinking about and praying for God to hook me up with a counselor or something maybe. I think it's time to give therapy the old college try again. Although it is expensive and I have no insurance and little money these days. On a side note--I mean, I'm nowhere near nervous breakdown mode like I was when I went to therapy last time. Yeah, that's ablog for another day. Let's just say that eight years ago, I kinda lost it. I did lose it. I don't know who I am kidding. I did. I went to therapy, a psychiatrist, took meds... I did it all. I had to take that test where they ask you all those qusetions you don't want anybody to know. Most people lie on those. Anyway, it was a really scary experience. In a way, I swore I would never do that again. But really for no reason. And those promises mean crap anyway. I mean, we all change so much! Why hang on to trite little self-promises that do nothing but hold us back anyway? So... yeah... That's what I'm thinking these days.

Wednesday, October 18

Why oh why didn't I take the blue pill?

I feel like a hit a Neo point a few years back. I was torn, you know, standing there with those pills. One will send me back to the little case and keep me plugged in going about my day and one will show me reality as it really is, pain and all. I took the red pill, and somtimes I wonder why. But I still know I'm better off.

I still believe I did the right thing. Life has not been easy since, but it would have been hard anyway. Regardlesss, now I have the strong web of reality to fall into. I don't have to pretend anymore, and I can face things with people that have a similar mindset for life. It's an interesting place to be, considering where I was a few years ago.

Wednesday, October 11

Tuesday, October 10

The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same

I started doing some freelancing for the tv station where I used to work. It's rather interesting.

Last Thursday night, my friend (who used to be my boss) calls me and says that he wants to hire me to help him get through the bump he's in. And I wasn't there when it started, and I'm not sure it's going to end... And he said that if I wanted to make some extra cash I could. No pressure. Just if I was in the mood, he could use the help. I was like, "Dude, I'm in."

So, I'm back in the old office today doing my thing and it's funny. Because I won't hug my friend when I leave, because he's my boss now. And we both go into this professional mode without talking about it at all. We just get it like it's an unwritten rule or something. Like we both read a nonexistent manual. It's funny. I mean, I remember what it was like working for my friend when he had never been just my friend before. Now we have this vibe because we have both grown and changed, and I'm confident in our friendship and I know what to expect. Because I know what he expects. Because we have earned each other's respect. And I'm a little more grown up now, but that's beside the point.

And things are different and yet all the same in the office. Some of the people no longer work there, but some of the same ones still work there. I remember what it was like being there in my cube every day a few years back. And I remember how stupid I was, and how troubled that year, and how much I was peanut butter with no jelly. And how I never felt like I fit in and how I was just awkward around people.

I forgot what American Corporateland was like and how wierd people can get when they are in their corporate mode, like focused and in the zone. It's just different. I haven't been here in a long time, you know? I mean, at the coffee shop, I can be loud and sing at work and talk boisterously. But I make a concerted effort to be quieter at the station, although some things I freaking just find funny, and that's all there is to it. Of course, no one is saying that I can't laugh sometimes or giggle. Somewhere in all this rambling, what I am trying to say is: I'm so thankful for the way God does things. I'm sitting at my desk today and I totally remembered how unsure I was of myself and how I took things personally that people said then and how I got offended at things people did especially if their worldview was different than mine.

And I laughed. And I just realized that life goes on. I mean, I like this gig. I need the money. I like the people even though the work itself can be kind of drowning sometimes. I don't know how my friend does it all day-ten hours some days. Fourteen hours other days. My brain is so flippin' fried right now, I can't even tell you. I just can't think straight.

Well, it is after midnight, but my brain was fried this afternoon. You know what I mean. Anyway, that's life with two parttime jobs. Take it. Leave it. Whatever.

Monday, October 9

In this maniacal world there is still hope...

My friends are getting married!!

Oh, the schmoopy commenced.

I think I got schmoopy all over me.

Sunday, October 8

I'm not judging, I'm just saying...

"Under appreciated" scholars can just get over themselves! I am serious. I could not be more over people being jerks to me over stuff that is really unimportant.

Don't be mean just because you think I know less than you about a subject; don't be disrespectful and talk down to me.

If you let my friendship with you be ruined over something stupid, you're a donkey.

If you let something you believe in keep you from loving anyone, anyone at all, you definitely aren't utilizing anything that comes from good.

Or positive. Or smart for that matter.

You're just fulfilling your little prophecy that everyone hates you because you know more than them and no one understands you because you are so innovative and different form everybody else.

Guess what? It's all bull and you're a jerk at the end of the day.

So stop it!

Thursday, October 5

My latest update as sent via email

Oh you guys! There is so much to tell you!

I will try to keep it simple.

I moved back to Ohio in early August. I was hired by Starbucks and began working there within three weeks of my arrival. I love my job! I get paid to make coffee. Who doesn't love that? And it's a lot of fun. There are lots of fun customers that come in and many of them we get to know by name. There is a whole Starbucks culture that I never knew about before.

I have no idea why I conceded to God and came to Ohio, because my heart has been set on returning to Colorado. I was going through a big "Where do I go from here thing?" for awhile, but have since realized that all the hell I went through in the past year was not without purpose. Especially going back to Indiana to live and spend time with my parents. It was worth it.

I am a new woman. That's all there is to it. I handle life differently. I have a confidence and appreciation for people I did not have when I lived here one year ago. I'm not scared to live anymore, and that is an immeasurable blessing! I am no longer scared of the future and I don't stress about whether or not I have wasted my life up until now. I have decided to accept my life as is. The good, the bad, the ugly. It's my gift from God.

I actually have a relationship with my parents now. More than I could say before. And I can't put a pricetag on the feeling that I get when my mom calls. It's not hate or anger or disgust. I actually get excited when she calls. It's new. I'm trying to get used to it.

I am staying with married friends of mine named Chad and Christy. I was not close with them until the past few months since DTS and I am so glad that I have them in my life because they are so awesome.

They helped me realize that I have an eating disorder. I over eat. I was pretty good during DTS as far as my eating goes, which is why I lost weight. But when I was in Indiana for the summer, I gained it all back and more. After seeing my mom and how sick she has been due to not taking care of herself, I knew in my heart it was time to do something about it.

I want to be around to hold my grandchildren someday.

When the pressures of life came down on me, I turned to food. I ate and I ate. I ate the most horrible stuff I could. Fast food at every turn. I binged on ice cream. And I cried into my pizza. I couldn't stop.

But I would like to report to you that I have been eating a low carb diet with little to no sugar. I haven't been overeating. I haven't overeaten in weeks. And while being around a pastry case every day isn't easy and I am not perfect, I have been really good compared to what I was doing. I have only had one sweet and that was this week. I need lots of strength and grace in this area.

I am trying to find the source of my problem and not just fix the symptom. I want to tackle the whole problem. I am slowly beginning to tackle why I do what I do. I am also looking into going to counseling. Please pray for me in this area.

My friend Christy and another friend of ours is starting a theater company here in town. They have asked me to stay here in town and work on a production with them here in Columbus. We will be renting out a space at the Rife Center, which if you were from here you would know it's kind of a big deal. I am starring in the play that my other friend, Joe, is writing. We will be performing it sometime next summer and tickets to the show will be sold by ticketmaster.com! I am so freaking excited! This is an opportunity I have been waiting for forever! So I have commited to be in Ohio for at least the next year.

I am okay with not going back to South Africa yet. Or Thailand. Or India. Or anywhere else God has put on my heart. For once I am okay with where I am. I am happy to be here, and I know the time spent here will benefit the kingdom, which is all anyone can ever ask for, right? God brought me here and he will use me here. I don't have to be in nother country for him to use me. I just have to be willing.

I'm in a place of peace right now, and I love it. I also know that there will come a time where I will have to find my peace based on what I know and not my circumstances. But for right now, waiting on the Lord (In Hebrew, becoming intertwined with... Isaiah 40:31) and letting him love me and grow me through the group of friends I have here is totally amazing!

I have a completely different group of friends here than when I left for Colorado last year. God has changed me and brought me a new family, and given me opportunities that I have been waiting on for a long time. I cannot wait to do this project with my friend's theater company. It will be really sweet. And if you can make it, I would love for you all to be there.

Anyway, that's life in Ohio in a nutshell.

All my love,

Tuesday, October 3


I am still considering going back to university.

Am I crazy?