Tuesday, October 31
That's what my life feels like sometimes. One big craphole. I am just dealing with so much lately and it's hard for me not to feel like I am stuck in toilet on flush. And I feel like things have been this way for most of my life. You know, maybe they have. Wait. No, they have. I've had a hard life. Really hard. That's the way it is. I'm not trying to play "pity party" about it. I am just saying. The point is that I just have a lot on my plate lately. And I am really disappointed with some things. My mom has to be on kidney dialysis permanently. I am disappointed that some friends of mine aren't totally being honest with me about how they feel, and they keep just pretending like everything is okay which makes things really awkward. I was honest with another one of my friends and he told me what I expected but not what I wanted to hear. Which I really respect, yet I still feel a little disappointed in the situation. I am disappointed that my dad has started drinking again. I really wanted to see him sober, but I may not get that chance. I hate seeing him like that. Anyway, I am also just disappointed in myself. Just because I can't handle things like I think I should. I mean, when I feel disappointed some part of me gets really wierd and starts beating up on me for feeling that way. Like I am not allowed to have emotions or feelings about my life. Like just because I am not getting the crap beat out of me emotionally by my father anymore or watching him literally beat on my mom anymore means that I have no right to complain. Or feel. Like feelings are bad. I'm really wierd. I don't understand me sometimes. That's why I really need to go to counseling. I need to just suck up my pride and go. I mean, I swore I never would go back. I promised myself I would never do that again. But I was also crazy when I made that commitment. And I mean, it was a dumb promise anyway, if I'm being honest. And it's frankly a dumb one to still hold onto. But for some reason, I just can't let it go yet. I am working up to it. But I just can't do it yet. I know in my heart that I need to though. Frack. Bleh! Yep. One big craphole. I hate feeling like this. I don't like crying over stupid stuff and bawling at the drop of a hat. Ugh. It's just not fun. I don't like it. Craphole!