Friday, October 20
Fix the symptom, not the problem
That's what I am working on doing. I can't keep living with this guilt anymore. Things were not my fault growing up. I had nothing to do with it. I was a kid, and I am tired of beating myself up and overthinking everything. I am tired of being so hard on me. I mean, what did Jesus die for, but my freedom? And living like this isn't freedom. It isn't. It's trapping. A box. A big fat cell for me to serve a life sentence inside of. Screw that. I'm not going to do it anymore. I just realized this past weekend that I have guilt issues. I had never really previously thought about it, I mean, I knew that I had spent a lot of my life feeling like the abuse I suffered was my fault. However, I did not until recently realize that I had taken it upon myself to hold my parents together. Save them. Fix them. You know, that's not my job. It's God's job. I don't have to take on that kind of pressure. Anyway, all this stuff, along with my overeating and everything I am facing has me thinking. I really do think I have an eating disorder. And it might be linked to some sort of obsessive compulsive thing. Most eating disorders are I have found. That makes me nervous. But, you know... Life goes on I guess. I am thinking about and praying for God to hook me up with a counselor or something maybe. I think it's time to give therapy the old college try again. Although it is expensive and I have no insurance and little money these days. On a side note--I mean, I'm nowhere near nervous breakdown mode like I was when I went to therapy last time. Yeah, that's ablog for another day. Let's just say that eight years ago, I kinda lost it. I did lose it. I don't know who I am kidding. I did. I went to therapy, a psychiatrist, took meds... I did it all. I had to take that test where they ask you all those qusetions you don't want anybody to know. Most people lie on those. Anyway, it was a really scary experience. In a way, I swore I would never do that again. But really for no reason. And those promises mean crap anyway. I mean, we all change so much! Why hang on to trite little self-promises that do nothing but hold us back anyway? So... yeah... That's what I'm thinking these days.