Thursday, December 3

Dear People,

Dear People,

I don't understand you. Sometimes you are stupid.



Monday, October 5

I relate to David.

I relate to the bouncing around from 'God, why have you forsaken me?' to 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me'.

Today is the latter.

Sunday, October 4

What now?

It's been almost four years since I returned from my YWAM school.

During that school I really felt like God had made so many changes in my life. I knew truths that I had never heard from anyone before about God. And I had not just heard them, I'd experienced them. Life wasn't the same.

I wasn't the same. That DTS changed my life. I was ready to tackle the future head on and go anywhere God told me to. I wanted to do anything and go anywhere for him. I was in love with God.

And then I came back to reality. The infamous "real world". And God said, "Don't worry about orphans in Africa. Just let me love you. Stop running everywhere and hiding away with your unsettled heart. Go back to Ohio and let me give you a love you've never known you deserved."

So here I am. With my faults and all my pain. Pain that I conveniently thought was over after my mission was done. I buried those things with my graduation date.

But dammit, they won't die. Again and again, they resurface. The tears and the shame. And new hurts bring them out. And new hurts rip open the old wounds because I am just plain tired of being in pain. And part of me says to just stop.

But can it stop? Do the hurts of our past ever really stop? Do we ever get over them? After all I had experienced in Africa, I swore they could. I swore they would never again come back for me or have a place in my life. I swore I was healed. I told people I was healed, that God healed me and he could do the same for them.

If that's true, then why do I feel so broken? Why have some of my relationships become awkward and more dysfunctional than a friendship ever should?

Worst of all, is that my fault? Do I do this to myself? Because right now, in this moment, I feel sad. I feel like I'm just plain messed up and I'll never be better again. My pain and hurt and disappointment and brokenness feels insurmountable.

But is it?

I thought life was better, going to be awesome, and I had finally hurt my last over a dysfunctional childhood. I thought my abuse and pain would never grab hold of me again.

I thought I could move back here, be with the man I love and finally be incurably happy instead of sad and broken. And while that man does make me so very happy every few weeks I cycle back to this place. The place of brokenness. And I ask God to help me. Please, God, help me not be broken anymore.

I really thought things could be better.

But, unfortunately, life just keeps kicking me in the face. Situations and circumstances pummel me in the stomach until I can't breathe. Dear people to my heart die, younger then they should have, leaving me with questions of, 'Why the heck this happen God?' And the always underlying, 'What is the point? What's the point of all this?'

With the ever present realization that life really is so short, I wonder what my place is and what my purpose is. Because this can't be all there is to life. This moment of tears in my eyes.


After what I thought I knew and what I have seen happen in life around me, I just have to wonder where I am supposed to go from here. What now? What's the deal? And for goodness sake, I have to be missing something. There has to be something I'm not getting.

I have made lots of strides, but at the same time, I feel I haven't made any.

God, I don't see the whole picture. But you do. And while I'm frustrated, I still trust you. And when I don't trust, help me to trust you. And when I'm angry, help me to forgive. When I'm lost in the sadness, help me find my way. I don't see the whole picture, God, but help me get the point. Help me to remember that you once told me I was healed of all this. And God, I believed you. With all my heart. But I have to confess I don't believe that anymore. Help me to believe again. Help me to find healing again. Please. I don't want to be broken anymore. Please fix me. And teach me that process. I need to find my way back to healing and wholeness. I'm not feeling (or I confess, acting) very whole lately. People have said things. In anger, maybe, but it doesn't make their statements any less possible. Maybe I am what they say in some ways, but I choose not to forget what you say I am, and who you say I am. I want to live life in wholeness. Not hopelessness. And you're the only person that can do this with me. It's me and you. I can't do this by myself, I know that for sure. I need your help. What now, God?

Tuesday, September 22

Where is our priority?

If you are a Christian, why would the phrase "my blood" come out of your mouth about anyone but another Christian?

Your family on earth is merely that: your family on earth. If you believe you have been adopted as Christ's son or daughter, isn't that your family? The other adopted sons and daughters of Christ?

The blood of Christ is the only blood of consequence to us that believe Christ's death on the cross as anything but lore. So, why you say something like "my blood comes first" when talking about your extended family is confusing to me.

Your blood is the other people who choose Christ.

Tuesday, July 28

The "Almost Girl"

My friend coined this phrase and I really dig it. Because I can relate. The "Almost Girl" hasn't had much of a career, doesn't do the normal midwest "go to college to get your MRS" and then get preggers by 24 thing and doesn't own a house. I mean, seriously, what's so wrong with being an "Almost Girl"? Nothing.

Yeah, my life is behind some people's in tick marks of things we do before we die. I mean, I'm a 30 year old unmarried woman with no children. But here's the deal: some of my friends got married young and divorced young. I mean, it's dumb for me to compare myself to others all the time. Yeah, I'm not a mom. Yet. But I will be someday.

And I am dating the most amazing guy ever, while some friends I have spend their days having trouble with their spouses because they are now facing issues they maybe should have faced before marriage. Justin and I remain faithful to one another and to God. I really love Justin and I don't want to date anyone else. Yeah, we're going slow. I mean, we've been dating 2 1/2 years. Which is a heckuva long time... Especially in Christian circles. But then again, it's cool. I mean, we love each other. And we're able to talk out (even fight out) our differences; which if you knew how I grew up, you'd realize it's a freaking miracle. I haven't had that with anyone before.

It's just that I realized someone who I thought had everything I wanted (and-if I'm being honest-should already have) doesn't have everything she wants. And it made me think that I'm okay. I'm doing well. Even though I have family and financial things with which to deal. It is what it is: not the end of the world.

Wednesday, June 24

C'est la--Shut up!

I really hate life sometimes, but who doesn't? Who isn't ahving financial difficulties and family issues lately? I mean, it's the way life is. The sucky thing I am realizing is, the more you think being in God's Will means you're protected from bad things happening, the more wrong you are. Bad things do happen to good people.

And next year this time, I'll barely remember getting a ticket I can't afford, and trying to pay bills I can't afford. I'll barely remember hating my situation as much as I do.

I'm sure I won't remember crying in defeat this much. Or crying for that matter. The world is an emotional place for some of us. I don't just take things in stride. I mean, I try to. But I also feel that the harder I try to be good with my finances and go to church more and pray more and all those things, the more I screw up.

I mean, what is it about me that fails? Cause I don't succeed at life nearly as much as I want to. And that's the way it has always been. I really am trying, but things just go the way they want to I guess, regardless of how much I try or want my life to be better.

I hate the things I can't control. Boo.

Monday, June 1

The African people have a desperation for God that few of us in our suburban churches could ever understand. Their hearts are open to whatever God would have for them. Unlike us, that will only do what is in our comfort zone. We should look at pictures like this and be moved toward God. Toward whatever he would have for us. Not just what we think or want, but what God himself would want us to do. Whether that's engaging a stranger in Starbucks or selling all our collectibles and using the money to hop the next plane to to Thailand to preach in the streets. Paul, Stephen, Timothy and all the other disciples of Jesus the Christ only wish they had the modern conveniences we have to use to spread the hope and love of Christ. Can you imagine what Paul could have done if he had YouTube? What a crazy world this is. I want to be more like Jesus. And this photo is a great motivator.

Wednesday, May 13

I found this passage

The Message (MSG)
3-4 When the clouds are full of water, it rains. When the wind blows down a tree, it lies where it falls. Don't sit there watching the wind. Do your own work. Don't stare at the clouds. Get on with your life. 5 Just as you'll never understand the mystery of life forming in a pregnant woman, So you'll never understand the mystery at work in all that God does. 6 Go to work in the morning and stick to it until evening without watching the clock. You never know from moment to moment how your work will turn out in the end.

New Living Translation (NLT)
4 Farmers who wait for perfect weather never plant. If they watch every cloud, they never harvest.
5 Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb,[
a] so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things.
6 Plant your seed in the morning and keep busy all afternoon, for you don’t know if profit will come from one activity or another—or maybe both.

I mean, it pretty much says take a risk and a chance and keep it up. You never know what will come from your hard work. Don't wait for things to be perfect, cause you'll never get anything done. Just do what you're supposed to do. I don't know. A lot of things I want to write here, but I'm not going to take the time right now.

Just meditate on it, you know?

Monday, March 30


Dear panic attacks,

I know you have this idea that we are friends. I would like to inform you, however, that we are not. You are ridiculously unwelcome in my life and I am not asking you to leave or to stop, I am telling you. You have no place here in my psyche. Or my body. You have not shown yourself in a long time, but you were still there, hiding under the surface. You are hereby banned from ever showing yourself again, and served this well deserved eviction notice. Get away from me. Get out of my life. Never come back in the name of Jesus, my precious friend and savior.


A beautifully loved and cared for woman with no patience for dark evils