Thursday, August 14

Things don't magically get better.

Ever. Even with the amazing power of God in your life. It's the truth. They just stay the same or get worse I feel. I have a hard time seeing things getting better right now.

I hate feeling pain. It downright sucks. And I'm sick of feeling pain because I'v efelt it constantly in my heart for most of my life even if I am laughing and telling jokes. Even then. I'm hurting under the surface. The pain doesn't go away. And believe me, with the abuse I've suffered, I know pain.

I mean, crappy things keep happening to me that are out of my control. Is Satan trying to beat me down? Is my own sin and sad excuse for a life the reason this stuff keeps happening to me? Will I ever get beyond the feeling that I'm maybe ok, but just not good enough?

The truth is: God says I'm good enough. I know this... I tell people this, but do I believe it for myself when most people most of my life have told me I would never be good enough, never amount to anything?

Am I worthy of someone saying, "Megan, I like you just the way you are."? Am I worthy of being accepted besides the fact that I came from a white trash background? I mean, no one need hold my past against me, because every day I hold it against myself.

I constantly hear my parents words of disapproval echoing in my head. Even though they were sick. Even though I would never be good enough for them. Even though I couldn't be good enough because their respective illnesses wouldn't let me.

I spent most of my life with tons of people around me, and yet I felt so miserable and emotionally abandoned. And I am sick of it. But it won't leave.

When do I get to be good enough to be loved for who I am: good, bad and ugly?

If you hear when, would you please tell me?

Ugh, I am a deep ocean of melancholy under this awesome sense of humor.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

Megan Perkins. There is radical Goodness that bestows us. A Good God that has plans for a Good future for you, plans for success. Don't forget the God that does all these miracles. Also don't forget that there are no coincidences with God. There is a lesson within every miracle. FIND IT- Be who God created you to be.