Ever. Even with the amazing power of God in your life. It's the truth. They just stay the same or get worse I feel. I have a hard time seeing things getting better right now.
I hate feeling pain. It downright sucks. And I'm sick of feeling pain because I'v efelt it constantly in my heart for most of my life even if I am laughing and telling jokes. Even then. I'm hurting under the surface. The pain doesn't go away. And believe me, with the abuse I've suffered, I know pain.
I mean, crappy things keep happening to me that are out of my control. Is Satan trying to beat me down? Is my own sin and sad excuse for a life the reason this stuff keeps happening to me? Will I ever get beyond the feeling that I'm maybe ok, but just not good enough?
The truth is: God says I'm good enough. I know this... I tell people this, but do I believe it for myself when most people most of my life have told me I would never be good enough, never amount to anything?
Am I worthy of someone saying, "Megan, I like you just the way you are."? Am I worthy of being accepted besides the fact that I came from a white trash background? I mean, no one need hold my past against me, because every day I hold it against myself.
I constantly hear my parents words of disapproval echoing in my head. Even though they were sick. Even though I would never be good enough for them. Even though I couldn't be good enough because their respective illnesses wouldn't let me.
I spent most of my life with tons of people around me, and yet I felt so miserable and emotionally abandoned. And I am sick of it. But it won't leave.
When do I get to be good enough to be loved for who I am: good, bad and ugly?
If you hear when, would you please tell me?
Ugh, I am a deep ocean of melancholy under this awesome sense of humor.