Friday, November 17

And the beat goes on... Again.

Well, things are changing a lot here at chez Meg. Well, really it's not chez Meg, it's the sorority house. But that's beside the point.

You know, I've realized that things are what they are. I'm not so worried about the past these days. I'm not so focused on it. I've decided to move on with my life. I mean, now is not the time to be upset about the stuff that happened before. My life has been really tragic. It's a sad story. But it's also a story of love and hope and triumph over adversity. And I think that is what keeps me going. That and a good conversation with a caring friend. Luckily I've had a string of those lately. It has really helped me.

My dad is pretty sick. Now is not the time to focus on the bad things about his personality. When he dies, I want to remember the good things about him. The fun times we had. How we sat and watched FoodTV this summer for hours when he was in the hospital. How the first word he said with the attachment to his throat after the surgery was my name. How fun it was watching "My Fair Lady" and "South Pacific" when I was a kid. Those are things I want to remember. Lung Cancer is going to take him and who knows when it will happen, but the doctor has not given him a promising prognosis. And that is sad. It makes me sad. And it's okay that I am sad about it. I mean they pretty much said six months or a year and my dad will be dead.

And just so we're on the subject, I have to say that I really feel like every time I love something, someone, when I just let down my guard and let them in... They leave. And that makes me sad too. I have realized lately that I have had a lot of loss in my life overall. But I've had a string of deaths lately. People close to me. And that sucks. So many people close to me are sick or dead or dying right now. Well, at least enough to make me feel icky.

And it seems when I let people in and I let them love me and I truly open up to them they have to leave. They move away. I move away. They die. They get too busy for me. They get married and I don't see them for years. (I mean, I'm in my twenties. That's what happens when people get married: they disappear for awhile. It's just the way it is.) The point is, I realized lately that I have had a lot of loss in my life. And don't get me wrong, I'm not whining about it. I'm just saying. I have had a lot of loss. Disappointment. Pain.

It is what it is.

And the thing about all of this realization is that I have to move forward. I have been thinking a lot of the future. I am still weighing going back to school. Ugh. It's such a ridiculous argument in my head. I mean, it's not as if God is going to hold me back from going overseas if I choose to go back to college. I almost feel as if I would be saying that being an overseas missionary is out of the question if I go back to college. But I know that's just stupid. I mean really. I serve a God that is way bigger than that. And what I would be going to college to do would actually help me get into many countries and I could help people around the world or in my back yard. Hmmm.

It's just working up to it that sucks. I've been working up to it for years and I should really just let it go and stop working up to it and do it. Cause it really would help me in the long run. Ugh. Sacrifice now for the future. Man. I hate being a grown up.

I wanna be a kid again. But with less abuse and better parents.

1 comment:

Amresh Puri said...

About your losses, what about the idea that you should only count the successes? Losses are for learning, not counting.

And I say go back to school. I'm 27 and I went back last year, and it has been great!