Tuesday, May 24

I know I said I wouldn't

But I just have to blog a little. Evansville is always eventful for me. Scary and eventful. I will eventually cry when I am here, and I did last night.

My mom called me yesterday morning. She can never seem to wait for me to call her. I said I would. What's her problem? Doesn't she trust that I am a woman of my word? Maybe that's why I always make integrity a high priority in my life. I have had to, because my mom won't let it be. Hmmm... Random revelation.

Anyway, she got mad at me because I wasn't coming over when she wanted me to in order to get my childhood toys that she has now decided that she doesn't want to store for me anymore. She's been calling me about it every day for the past I think, week, wanting to know what my plans are for getting them. She has been holding those things over my head, trying to get me to feel guilty for burdening her with my stuff. It's like she has to plan everything for me, a control freak. She always makes "appointments" with people as if she knows who I want to visit when I get home and who I don't. Well, after throwing a hissy that I wasn't doing things her way, she hung up on me. Not exclusively hung up, just saying "Well, I gotta go" and hanging up without waiting for me to respond. Same thing I guess. After a few minutes of ranting to Gina, I decided to call her back and she didn't answer her phone. She probably did it just to screw with my head.

I was angry, but at the situation. I am so tired of everything being straight drama. Can't I just come back home and have it be an even keel trip? What's up with that? My mom gets all these crazy ideas and tries to push them on me, making it harder to be around her. When she feels an emotion, she tries to pass it on to me. I've had enough of that.

So, I went for hours with no call back. I am not playing these games with her.If she doesn't answer, she's gonna miss her chance. I am not going to let her manipulate me. Forget that. She wants me to call and beg her to answer her phone. She wants me to leave voicemail after voicemail, begging her to call me back. Not happening. I'm an adult now.

What does she do then? She calls me in the late afternoon, asking for a phone number of someone in my family that I never talk to. She knows I don't have that number. She just called to twist and manipulate. She got done with asking about the number and said, "While I have you on the phone, what time are you coming over to get that [insert expletive]?" Seriously, she quit cussing around me when she started going to church, but since she found out that I am going to YWAM, she started cussing again. Just to get a rise out of me. She's oppressed. She doesn't even know that she's in darkness. I pray for a revelation in her spirit.

So, I told her I would come over today and get it. Lots of arguing took place to get to that point, but I really don't have the energy to explain it all. I told her that I couldn't come over last night because I had plans with my cousin Jordan to go over and hang out with her. I haven't hung out with just her in like years. If ever. And since her dad died last January, I really wanted to go over and try to connect with her. I love that girl. We are two peas in a pod at times. I had a really good time just talking and chilling with her. We talked a lot about our family and how ridiculous they acted when Uncle Bob was on his deathbed and at the funeral. They cannot even keep it together long enough to mourn the loss of their family. It's pretty unfortunate. I just listened, because I know she needed to vent. I told her, "If you don't like it, change it by breaking the cycle." I hope that she does. I hope she does not follow in the footsteps of our previous generations. That would suck.

It was fun, though, and I think it was good that I made the effort to visit. My Uncle Jerry called while I was talking to Jordan and her mom in the driveway, and I called him back when I was in the car. He wanted to have me over for dinner, but I had just eaten. What he said was really touching, emotionally stirred by what I am dealing with in my life right now. (Unbeknownst to me, he is an avid reader of my blog.) It meant a lot to me that he called. I wish we called each other more often. I know. If you don't like it, change it! I do need to follow my own advice. Evidently, my mom called him and said she was mad at me because I hadn't been to see her yet. Hmmm - I wonder why?

Made me mad. What right does she have to act that way? It's ridiculous. I don't have to see her. I can easily avoid her if I want. But I do try, and it's never good enough. When I thought that, I started to cry. So, then I prayed, and when I had sufficiently begged God for his power to help me overcome this adversity, I thought of Ben.

I mean, is he sure he wants to date me? Seriously, with how my family is? Do I really want to drag him, or anyone for that matter, through all of this? It's too much sometimes for me, and I've had practice. So, I called him, and here is the gist of what transpired.

him: Hey, Megan, how are you doing?
me: I'm all right. Hanging in there.
Yeah?
I just hung out with my cousin and we talked about Uncle Robert and the funeral and stuff. I'm glad I did it, but it was hard. I miss my uncle. My mom hung up on me this morning, and I am just not up to all of this. It is always so hard to come back here. It's so not my home anymore.
You'll be okay. We can make it through this.
Are you sure you want to date me?
Huh?
I mean it. Are you sure? (I realize that I am being a girl, here, people.)
Megan, I'm sure.
I mean, my mom is all crazy. My family is not normal, they tend to fistfight at funerals. They cuss each other out... I love them and it's really freaking hard for me. My family, mostly my mom & dad are the biggest struggles and hurdles in my life right now. The biggest! And most of my other struggles, the smaller ones stem from that great big one. My relationship with my mother is a huge problem for me.
I don't have to date your mother, do I? Seriously, it's nothing we can't work through. I will definitely pray for you and your mother, that God will help you work it out. If we start believing the Lord, we'll be able to.
I believe in Christ's healing power, and I know that he will help us get through it.
I'm sorry to make you say it, but I really needed to hear that. I wanted to make sure. Thank you.


My boyfriend is a - stinkin' - mazing!



And... I finally shared my blog link with him. I considered changing some stuff, editing my posts, but there's no point in holding that stuff back anymore. I want to be real, open and honest, and I cannot do that if I hold a part of me back. That is essentially lying to him, and definitely not my style.

Either he'll read it and like me more, or he'll read it and want to break up with me. Hahaha!




1 comment:

sarah said...

dude that sounds worse than what you said on the phone. I would totally want to just scream and be like forget you... dude so yeah I will plead with God to somehow give your mom some real eyes to see such an awsome daughter that she doesn't deserve. We don't deserve Jesus so try to be like jesus? oh who am I kidding would totally avoid...lol well just punch a pillow or something..k ...i will do the same..