Wednesday, March 8

Mixed up

Turns out that we are flying out Thursday night, not Wednesday. Maybe I can talk Judy into going to the beach tomorrow... (o:

And now we pause while Megan has an email emotional breakdown to one of her DTSMates...

I have literally no idea what I am going to be
doing in the next few months, so it's crazy. I found out that I can no longer
hand out pamphlets at church about what I am up to missions-wise; my pastor put
a stop to any of us young people being able to raise funds there. I barely made
it through DTS... So, I have no idea if I will be doing SOW or Phase II or not.

I am totally not sure what the deal is with my life. I thought DTS
would jump start it, but it turns out that the brakes are on. Which I don't

I feel so lost. I don't know where my home is, I
have no money, I am so frustrated with my parents I almost never want to see
them again. My dad started drinking again and my mom has started pulling stunts
on me again trying to get me to do what she wants me to do. She's been a nut bag
on the phone the past few times I've talked to her.

I don't feel like Ohio is home anymore either.
It's wierd being back here. Good to see everyone, but wierd.

Becca still has my car in Colorado and it has something wrong with it and neither of
us have the money to fix it. I feel so lost in all of this crap. What am I
supposed to do? No clue. I have no freaking clue. But I know God hasn't
forgotten me or left me. That's the only thing getting me through.

I'd love to groundhog day the last six months. I want to
be together with most of my DTSMates so much that I cry looking at pix and
stuff. I want to be in South Africa so badly I can hardly stand it. I'm not home
yet. I don't even know where home is anymore. Eck. Ugh. I don't like

I'm just feeling really out of sorts right
now. I thought coming to Florida would help me have some answers, but they are
not coming either. And I can't fill the hole that these spacious relationships
has left. Nothing makes me feel better. I still go to bed at night in a big bed.
Alone. God! I feel so alone. It's hard letting God fill the
hole because I just feel like disconnected from everyone. It's hard to feel
close to him too.

Why am I crying? Why am I telling you all of
this? Crap. I guess I am in dramatic mode. I just feel so off. And nobody
freaking understands what I am going through. Maybe talking to or seeing JD when
I am home will help. Yeah, I know he has to understand at least a little. Cause
I know that at least some of the rest of my DTSMates are going through this too.

It just sucks tonight.

I'm gonna go read some psalms.

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