Wednesday, August 10

My prayer

Look, God, I'm not going to cut corners with you okay? I'm just going to be for real. I don't know what my problem is lately. I feel so sad all the time. I don't want to hang out with people, and when I do, I'm so manic and overly thespian that I sicken myself. I play the funny girl role to the extreme. Why can't I be real right now? What am I so afraid of? And I really don't understand why I keep going through these mountains and valleys, never feeling fulfilled like you promised. Or is it that I'm not feeling fulfilled because I'm not trusting that I am fulfilled? Did you ever promise that I would feel fulfilled? Ugh. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like crap. I keep letting people down, and that sucks because they are people that are really important to me. I just don't know where the love went! It's so hard for me to love people right now. I keep teasing everyone and taking it too far because I am hurting and I want them to hurt too. I don't think anyone really understands what I am going through on the inside. I feel like I don't matter. I catch myself thinking that I just want to go to heaven already because I can't take it anymore here. I mean, if I dropped off the face of the earth, would anyone really care? I really need you to work in spite of the lies running through my head right now. Please help me to do what I need to, so I can get my stuff together for YWAM. I am doing this for you, because you called me. So I really want you to be in the middle of it. I mean, if it doesn't work out then that's cool. You know? I just don't want to do this in my own strength if I am going to do it. I really don't want to go through the rest of my life wondering, "What if I would have gone through the YWAM program?" You know? When I focus on what is going on with missions stuff I feel so much better. I don't feel that sadness, but I get excited! When I think about singing to you, I get excited! My focus is so janked! I know it. I just feel so much hurt right now and I don't know how to deal with it. When I get hurt, I just shut down and get depressed. I wonder if that is what is going on with me now. Whatever, I'm just a mess, God. I can't even really articulate why I'm all bummed. I just feel sad. Would you help me? Just help me not to be all sad like this for the rest of the summer, all right? I could use your help, but I am not going to demand it. I'm just going to ask. Will you help me? I don't know what else to do. I need you. And I do love you. I just suck at showing it right now, and I'm sorry for that. Truly.

That's it. I guess...

1 comment:

aarondaddy said...

Megan, I am praying for you! Love you lots. I have been there where you feel defeated all the time. Just keep pluggin on. In this time in this valley keep prasing Him and singing to Him! Keep sharing your heart with Him.. He can take it He wants you to be totally real with Him. Here is a HUGE HUG!!! Know that Aaron and I are here for you and we are praying for you! Love ya!