Monday, January 1

And to think that I saw it on Mulberry Street.

The past year has come and gone and I can hardly believe it! My life has changed so much over the past few months, as have I. And I am sitting here, late as it may be, wondering what the next year will bring. I have had more love surround me this year and keep me from completely falling apart than I ever thought possible. It humbles me. So do my innane mistakes. Sometimes I find myself acting like a four year old and I can hardly stand myself. But, it happens. I can't be too hard on myself either. Growth is a process, not an event.

Love is an event and the recognition of such event is a process. Interesting.

So, last night a friend of mine was telling me his new year's resolutions. And I was really impressed by the sense that he was planning them. He was planning things to better himself. And we talked about how lame the whole tradition of resolutions can be, but how he still thought it important to think about them, wanting to see each one through to actualization in his life.

And it got me to thinking about my life and my resolutions to change. And the changes I need to make in myself. I mean, how well have I been stacking up to the ideas I had for things to do when I was moving back here? Bad habits to tackle. And overwhelming as the feeling was, I decided to think about them. I decided to think it through. After much deliberation, I came up with these five things, knowing there is actually much more I need to work on.

Resolution one: Attend counseling sessions and begin to work through the abuse of my past.

Resolution two: Fast from food for 40 days. (God made me a promise and he is waiting for me to make a move of faith.)

Resolution three: Let go of my idea of what normal is and let God show me more about what is "normal" in the facets of my life.

Resolution four: Stand up for myself more without being arrogant.

Resolution five: "The Kicker." Step out more in relationships that aren't comfortable to me. Do my best to meet my friends where they are and not just strangers.

I think that's it. And a couple of the resolutions will be helped by me going through some counseling stuff, I know. But I listed them just the same. This journey I am on with God is hard sometimes. The lines can easily get blurred between right and wrong but I think as I grow more and as I learn to be more comfortable in my own skin I will be less afraid to be in situations that are outside of my comfort zone.

I really want to learn what love is. I mean, I know some of what love is not. And I know some about what love is because I recognize it when I see it in others. It's Jesus loving me through those people. But it's hard all the same because I want to know more. I don't have good examples of love in my childhood. I barely think I received unconditional love when I was a child. But I know I receive it now.

And I am glad.

Happy new year everyone.

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