Wednesday, May 17

Down the slope

Yeah, I don't know what the frick my problem is. I've been wierd lately. I realize it. I'm just not sure what I can do about it. I am waiting to get stuff taken care of with the car, so I can go to Indiana. I am meeting with my friend next Saturday. Which is cool in a way cause I will be here for my birthday. Which is deep down what I wanted. And God set it up for me. Which is cool. I am just really frustrated with things. I want to be in the race. I still feel like I am waiting at the starting line for the gun to go off. I'm depressed really. I mean, I just want more stability. I want a life with like a job and all that. I am going to probably have to get before I leave here cause things are crazy, man. I am down to like just what I need to get to Indiana. And I don't see things getting any better right now. It's really hard. I have to admit. But I am going to hang in there and dig down deep to find the hope that my God has given me through his promises to comfort me when things get hard and stand by my side. I would given up on my crappy life years ago were it not for God in my life. How did I get here when all I wanted was love? Well, I am through quoting song lyrics now. I have been in a rather peotic, overtly dramatic mood lately. I keep having to check myself. I am still struggling at times with feeling like a burden to everyone. Like I am a bother. I get so sick of talking about how nothing has changed. I don't know what I am doing. Things are off still. I'm waiting... All that. That's how it goes, man. I'm just having a hard time with doing that. You know? I feel... like I am in the mood to fake it. Fake what I feel. Pretend everything is okay. Therein lies the problem. I made a promise to myself that I would avoid that philosophy all together. I want to be real. I guess it's a big pride issue too. Because I am tired of being the person with the saddest story in the room. Ugh. I have had to face so much about my life lately. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe I want a job because then I don't have to face me anymore. I can just ignore the things God is trying to have me work on in myself. Then I don't have to depend on him as much.

Oh, that line of thinking can't be good.

Yep. It's time to be over me.

I'M OVER ME!!!!!

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