Friday, May 12

Stupid dang past

I found another remnant of an ex-boyfriend. I am really beginning to believe there may be something wrong with me. I mean, what the heck was I thinking?? I found pics of me kissing said ex. It's just too funny. I was so wierd. Why did I think those thigns were okay? It makes me want to stay single forever because I have no skills when it comes to dating. Seriously. That thing with Ben last year? I mean, yeah, God used it but... Well... I just know it wasn't God's best for me. I think he used because he loves me even though I wasn't making the best choices for myself.

I have found so many things that are from my "former life" that really make me feel badly. I was just so ridiculous. Part of me still is.

I always like guys that are so unattainable emotionally or like, well, gay.... Or I end up liking some guy that just wants to have sex with me, and that pisses me off. I am not a locked treasure to be discovered!

Anyway, I know that I am noticing things about myself for a reason. Like I know God is trying to show me something right now, but... I'm just not sure what the point is. What he's trying to say to me.

You know? I mean, I don't feel guilty for these things. I know I have been redeemed and all of that. I've grace for my past.

I just wish I didn't have it. Cause that was an insipid little girl that made those rookie mistakes.

But at the same time, I wonder if some guy comes along, talking the right lines... faking his relationship with Christ like Ben did...

Will I fall for it again? I mean, I can seem all strong and together now, but if he comes along will I need a boyfriend more than I think I do?

Is there something wrong with me?

Do I have a glitch in my programming somewhere?

There has to be something wrong with me...



lipstickface said...

oh yeesh - be careful with that.
Thats how it all went downhill for me.
I went from Bible college graduate to heroin dealer in 5 months and 1 boy that paid attention to me.

stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.

boys are dumb.
stay away.

Dont worry - youre at that age - where the boys are too young to be smart enough to notice the right girls, and the guys that are mature enough for you are too old to be dating you just yet.

Just wait it out a couple more years.

Meg said...

Yeah, 27 is a wierd age.

Boys start going through mid-life crises at this age. It's nerve wrecking.

I'll wait as long as it takes. What else am I going to do?

I really don't want to fall for anything stupid. Ugh. No thanks.