I had a really cool day today. I got a lot of stuff done. It was way rad.
Went with the old Bradford crew to see the new X-Men movie. Awesome. My friends Joe and Katie came too. That was cool. Worlds collided and there were no casualties. Sweet.
After the movie, I was talking to some friends who happen to be pastors and I accidentally said the "f-bomb" in front of them.
Look. I am not going to go to into detail about the conversation, but I will say that what I said happened to be about another leader in our church. Yeah, this just isn't getting any better now that it is staring me back in black and white.
I'm not making excuses or anything, I'm just saying that I totally felt stupid afterwards.
Mostly because they are pastors.
Mostly because a couple of other friends of mine are ridiculously anti-cussing and me having said that gave fuel to their fire. But it's not about what they all think. Even though in my mind that is a part of the issue.
See, the bottom line here is this is a symptom of a bigger problem for me.
Something inside of me is just off. I'm not making a huge deal about the whole thing. I mean, it bugs me that I said it, but mostly because my friends have the title of "pastor" in their name. Not because I totally feel its wrong. I have to admit that I would be significantly less annoyed if I had said the phrase in front of virtually anyone else.
I mean. . .
I just know by this happening that I subconsciously was making decisions that are not cool to make.
Look, I cuss to either rebel or be cool to people.
That's the truth.
I caught myself cussing the other day in front of some friends of mine. Again, the f-word came out, and I totally knew in my heart that I was doing it subconsciously to be cool to them. They don't even know that, and if they did, I am sure that they would not really care. They probably think I am cool no matter what I do. (Poor suckers.)
But seriously, I guess I just don't know what to think right now. I mean, this time I know I wasn't trying to be cool to my friends after the movie. Or was I? I mean if not, then why did it come out? Ergh.
I'm not going to let guilt come in, but at the same time I wonder what the jank the deal is. I mean, it feels wrong to have said that especially about another leader in the church. I just cursed about my brother in Christ. I know that is wrong. (Even if he can be a pain in the butt.)
But is that because the people I was talking to were pastors or because I genuinely feel remorse for having even let that out of my mouth?
And what is wrong with me that these words are suddenly okay with me? They haven't been a part of my vernacular for a long time. But sometime during my DTS, I picked up cussing again.
Which is way wierd because I was at an "All God - All the time" setup school.
What does this all mean?
Okay, now it's late and I am starting to make a big deal about it.
Can't do that. Opens up doors and gives footholds to things I don't want in my life.