Monday, May 1

It's all a blur...

My life is ridiculous these days. This freaking garage sale is hanging over my head, and my stuff in storage is hanging over my head. There's just not enough hours in each day. I wish someone would just walk up to me and say, "Hey, I'll buy all of your stuff from you!" Then I would take their money, give them the key to my storage space and skip town. Yeah, I would just skip town. I love the adventure of skipping town. I am so over my life, it's not even funny. I swear if one more person looks at me and says, "I wish I could do what you did, but I have a house/marraige/bills/kid to take care of," I may just scream. As if I have no responsibilities in the world. As if I am irresponsible and immature. Believe me, it's not as easy as it looks. My life. People need to stop telling me what they think my life is like. It makes me feel stupid. Don't presume, please. I'm living it. I know what it's like. My life is a lot easier in the short run when I don't have to depend on God for everything. When I don't have to depend on God for money or shelter or transportation... Faith. What a crazy concept. In the long run, I know that these things will be taken care of. I will be safe. I will be protected. God will provide for me. I just really don't like having momentary freak outs. When I have to face the reality of my situation, I get scared. I'm scared. I'm wondering what is wrong with me. Why can't I just keep it together? Why do I feel so alone? I have to tackle this monumentous task of emptying my storage space by myself, and it's overwhelming. I hate moving. Hate it. I don't use that word very often, but there it is. I hate it. And that's why I want to get rid of everything. Not as much because I am attempting a life of Godly simplicity like I have led everyone to believe. There. I said it. It's more because I don't know where I am going to be living from month to month and I am tired of lugging it around. It would be easier if I could just tote it all to Evansville and rid myself of it there. But I would just put things off again and end up in the same position. Stuck. Trying to tackle it all and more wanting to run away. Don't tell me what my life is like. More because I don't want to think about it. When I think about it, I just get sad and overwhelmed. It's really my own fault. I spent a lot of time procrastinating and selling stuff on ebay. It didn't pay off as much as I needed it to. I guess I am frustrated cause things aren't going my way right now. Ugh. I am going to be happier in a sense when I get back to Evansville because I will have a job and be living a more structured life than I am right now. I need structure. Something I figured out when I was in DTS. I would thrive in the structured environment in which I lived. It was awesome. I got out and accomplished more. I get out now. I lack in the accomplishing department these days. Not having a job is getting on my nerves. At least when I didn't have a job in Denver it was for an actively greater purpose. Purpose. It's what we're all living for. I just haven't found mine completely yet here. In this "real world," I feel a bit lacking. Devoid. I need more stability right now that I am not getting in the way things are going here. I'm ready to leave in the practical sense. In the sense of leaving people I hold dear, I'm not ready to talk about that. Ugh. I hate PMS.

1 comment:

JeannaBelle said...

do you have any furniture?