Everyone knows I'm in over my head.
But that's my style. Dive in. Both feet. And don't be afraid to cry in front of people.
I led a small group time last night for some friends of mine, and it seems God orchestrated it. Down to the passage I read from a book. Which shouldn't surprise me, that God used me or would want to use me, but I still am humbled by the fact that God would want to. Or that he could. Either way, I love it that he does.
I prayed a few times in the past few weeks since I knew I would be leading tonight. I asked God what he wanted to say to these people, my brothers and sisters. He wanted to say something, but first, I needed to share myself. I needed to be vulnerable. Put myself out there: past, jankness and all.
And I decided I would do it. I still wasn't sure how until I sat down on the couch to talk. And I flipped open a book (that I had borrowed from a dear friend present at the meeting and was going to return later that night) to a passage that meant a lot to me when I read the book. And I somehow paralleled it with my testimony and related it to the group and where God is taking them.
And it wasn't me talking. I prayed for that. I didn't want to encourage them the way that I thought fit. I wanted God to speak it through me. I wanted to be real, intimate and vulnerable with them. That's what god put on my heart to model. I don't have anything to give them other than... me.
I don't even remember what I said exactly. I just remember everyone's faces. It was a very intimate moment. And I appreciated them letting me share. A couple of the girls were either crying or had tears in their eyes. It meant a lot. I was sharing about how I grew up and how I came to live in Ohio. Also about some of my fears of going back home.
In the end, it was kind of hard for me to be vulnerable, and it felt wierd (not awkward) afterward. That was on my part though. I tend to feel that way after spilling my guts.
Most importantly, I felt like God used me. And I hope that my feeling matches what really happened.
I really care about that group. I care about their growth and I care about what God is trying to do in their lives. I know that they were brought together for a great purpose, and I know that discouragement has tried to rob them of reaching goals that God has purposed them for.
I know more how to pray for them now. And that was worth bearing my... Well, bearing me.
Thanks for that opportunity, God. And thank you for their friendship. I love them so much. Please continue to bring peace into their lives.