How I put it in an email to my friend:
I mean, my parents are sick and I really want to be there with them. I do. I feel like if I don't go home for awhile, I'll regret it. I think I am going to spend the summer in Indiana. Which will be crazy because, well, my parents are crazy.
But I think I have to do this. For a lot of reasons: My relationship with my parents, My relationship with God, My guilt free trip to Denver. I want to go with no regrets and nothing else on my mind but growing. I will be there, but I will constantly be worrying about my parents. It's just something I have to do. And it scares the crap out of me.
I know the whole "let the dead bury their own dead..." thing, but if my parents are my mission field, then I need to be able to do what I can. And I can do more than I did the three weeks I was there. I know I can.
I have a chance to make a difference in my parent's lives.
I am sad though, because I won't be at SOW with the people I wanted to be there with. I almost wish SOW was in the fall. That would rock my face off! I just don't see me going there for a month and then coming back here and then going to SOW.
I don't know. From week to week what I am going to do changes.
And who knows what God wants? Honestly, I think he's not telling me so that I will choose on my own. And I think he'll be with me whatever I choose. He would anyway, but I mean that there isn't a clear path laid before me here. I can do whatever I choose. He's saying I'm mature enough to know the answer.
But that answer scares the crap out of me. And it makes me cry. Because I just got started on being in a place of wanting to do what God has called me to do. And he allows me to be sidetracked to test me. Man, what a sense of humor!
I am so over me. It's not about me anymore. And that commitment is being tested.
Plus, the fleece happened. And I can't ignore that. Wait. I guess God did give me answer.
Ugh. I need some sleep.