Tuesday, April 18

How I feel today about my future.

SOW. I am not so sure that it is my time to go.

How I put it in an email to my friend:

I mean, my parents are sick and I really want to be there with them. I do. I feel like if I don't go home for awhile, I'll regret it. I think I am going to spend the summer in Indiana. Which will be crazy because, well, my parents are crazy.

But I think I have to do this. For a lot of reasons: My relationship with my parents, My relationship with God, My guilt free trip to Denver. I want to go with no regrets and nothing else on my mind but growing. I will be there, but I will constantly be worrying about my parents. It's just something I have to do. And it scares the crap out of me.

I know the whole "let the dead bury their own dead..." thing, but if my parents are my mission field, then I need to be able to do what I can. And I can do more than I did the three weeks I was there. I know I can.

I have a chance to make a difference in my parent's lives.

I am sad though, because I won't be at SOW with the people I wanted to be there with. I almost wish SOW was in the fall. That would rock my face off! I just don't see me going there for a month and then coming back here and then going to SOW.

I don't know. From week to week what I am going to do changes.

And who knows what God wants? Honestly, I think he's not telling me so that I will choose on my own. And I think he'll be with me whatever I choose. He would anyway, but I mean that there isn't a clear path laid before me here. I can do whatever I choose. He's saying I'm mature enough to know the answer.

But that answer scares the crap out of me. And it makes me cry. Because I just got started on being in a place of wanting to do what God has called me to do. And he allows me to be sidetracked to test me. Man, what a sense of humor!

I am so over me. It's not about me anymore. And that commitment is being tested.

Plus, the fleece happened. And I can't ignore that. Wait. I guess God did give me answer.

Ugh. I need some sleep.

1 comment:

JeannaBelle said...

hey! think of this: if you go to SOW in the fall, you'll get to meet a whole new group of people! Adding more people to your network! THe no regrets thing sounds good too. You've got so much time to do God's work, why limit your options to here and now? The sooner you go to SOW, the sooner you have to come back!