Tuesday, April 4

It's not that I'm dead

I'm just drowning here.

I am totally getting and feeling so confused by the allure of regular life. But I know how unsatisfying it was before. I mean, I am in a place where I could do anything and go anywhere. I could, in theory, stay here and work a job for awhile. However, I realize that is not what God is calling me to.

He's just not.

I've spent most of the past few weeks trying to talk myself into buying that theory. I can stay here. I can work on some projects with my friends. I can be comfortable. But, dang it, comfortable is not satisfying! Comfortable gives me insomnia. It makes me think things just to pass the time. I start entertaining my fears. I start reliving my past. I start thinking, "Megan, you're not getting any older. You are going to have to settle down sooner or later."

What am I? 40? 50? 60? I am way too young for a mid-life crisis. No thanks. No sports cars or toupees for me, man. I'm cool. Dude, I am way too old to not know who I am.

I mean, I just really found out who I am. And I found out that God can help me attain the character traits that will help me glow and shine and live free. The mountains showed me who I am. They showed me who God created me to be.

And South Africa showed me I could flourish. I could grow and love and not care about whether or not I'll ever own a house or be able to afford Se7en jeans or own a freaking laptop. I let go of all those things.

But in this moment, I am completely unsatisfied. I feel like I just ordered my favorite meal at my favorite restaurant and it was brought to the table with a big cockroach in it. Gross.

My verse right now is:
"But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." ~Isaiah 40:31 (NLT)

See, I just can't wait. It's not good for me. I was never one of those kids that could be patient. Minute rice? No way. That's too long a wait for me. But it's not about me; it's about what God needs me to experience while he prepares the way for me. My future is still out there. And I am living each day of it just as God knew I would.

I haven't missed out on my future. I haven't missed out on my calling. I am not wasting time. I am waiting on the Lord. In the original language of that aforementioned verse in Isaiah, Hebrew, the word "wait" means to be intertwined with the Lord.

I have to admit that I feel a bit like my relationship with Christ is dwindling at this point. Nothing like being intertwined.

I am not sure this environment is good, condusive or healthy for my relationship with Christ.

But he has me here. This is me. Being here.

Waiting. And trying not to drown in the decadence of all the "regular life" stuff.

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