At night, I lay my head upon my pillow and daydream. I remember my day. I think of the future. I plan my wedding. I think of friends. I think of my mother's health. Tossing and turning, I forget the power of my God. I feel incredibly lonely. I wish others were up tossing and turning at this hour, so I could have someone to talk to. Such is the curse of my life it seems. A friend of mine once told me I stay up late because I don't want to miss anything. Sometimes I wonder that I miss way more when I am awake. I used to feel that the life I am living really isn't mine. I am living this life, while the amazingly cool one I should be resigned to is being experienced by someone else.
The funny thing is, if I feel out of place at all now, it will only escalate when I go off to become a missionary. I mean, initially, it's for 6 months. However, it could very well turn into longer. I am trying to wrap my head around that possibility. God may clear my head enough to show me that this is a life calling. Am I fully prepared to give up all that I have here in Columbus? I know that it isn't really much in some ways because... well... For one thing, it's not like I have a job right now.
Questions come to mind, but I'm not backing down. I'm going to apply to YWAM and see what happens. I just know that's what I am going to do. Deep inside myself I know that is what I'll end up doing. And it does scare the crap out of me in many ways. Here I have finally found friends. I have a second family here that has me over for every holiday that I don't go to Indiana. I have a church family that though quite imperfect, I love more than anything. I will have to say goodbye to them for at least 6 months.
I feel so lonely I could cry. What a life I am choosing to follow God into. I know the lonliness will grow if I don't get a hold on it. Am I prepared for this? Am I ready? Is it time? While all of my friends are married and living in the 'burbs with their little SUV's and minivans, beautiful children in tow, I will be building a church in Thailand or working with HIV+ orphans in Nigeria.
Is this what I choose? God is this what you want? Shouldn't I be smarter or more experienced or more spiritual? Shouldn't I be more perfect before I do this? I can't seem to stop fighting these little sins that get ahold of me. I mess up all the time, and I fall short so much.
At night come the questions. At night come the lonelys. At night comes self doubt. At night comes the pain of loss and rejection.
I just have to ask God to help me deal with it all. No matter my doubts, he's still the one I love and the one I choose to follow. I have promised to do what is asked of me, no matter the cost. I cannot just walk away and ignore what has been laid before me. The chips are on the table, man. I can't fold now. The bottom line is: Can I put my money where my mouth is? I claim to believe in and follow Christ.
So, what's it gonna be Meg? In or out?
In my heart, I know all this is right. And I'm in! I'm committed. Gah! It's amazing I sleep at all!