Saturday, February 26

My mind is reeling

At night, I lay my head upon my pillow and daydream. I remember my day. I think of the future. I plan my wedding. I think of friends. I think of my mother's health. Tossing and turning, I forget the power of my God. I feel incredibly lonely. I wish others were up tossing and turning at this hour, so I could have someone to talk to. Such is the curse of my life it seems. A friend of mine once told me I stay up late because I don't want to miss anything. Sometimes I wonder that I miss way more when I am awake. I used to feel that the life I am living really isn't mine. I am living this life, while the amazingly cool one I should be resigned to is being experienced by someone else.

The funny thing is, if I feel out of place at all now, it will only escalate when I go off to become a missionary. I mean, initially, it's for 6 months. However, it could very well turn into longer. I am trying to wrap my head around that possibility. God may clear my head enough to show me that this is a life calling. Am I fully prepared to give up all that I have here in Columbus? I know that it isn't really much in some ways because... well... For one thing, it's not like I have a job right now.

Questions come to mind, but I'm not backing down. I'm going to apply to YWAM and see what happens. I just know that's what I am going to do. Deep inside myself I know that is what I'll end up doing. And it does scare the crap out of me in many ways. Here I have finally found friends. I have a second family here that has me over for every holiday that I don't go to Indiana. I have a church family that though quite imperfect, I love more than anything. I will have to say goodbye to them for at least 6 months.

I feel so lonely I could cry. What a life I am choosing to follow God into. I know the lonliness will grow if I don't get a hold on it. Am I prepared for this? Am I ready? Is it time? While all of my friends are married and living in the 'burbs with their little SUV's and minivans, beautiful children in tow, I will be building a church in Thailand or working with HIV+ orphans in Nigeria.

Is this what I choose? God is this what you want? Shouldn't I be smarter or more experienced or more spiritual? Shouldn't I be more perfect before I do this? I can't seem to stop fighting these little sins that get ahold of me. I mess up all the time, and I fall short so much.

At night come the questions. At night come the lonelys. At night comes self doubt. At night comes the pain of loss and rejection.

I just have to ask God to help me deal with it all. No matter my doubts, he's still the one I love and the one I choose to follow. I have promised to do what is asked of me, no matter the cost. I cannot just walk away and ignore what has been laid before me. The chips are on the table, man. I can't fold now. The bottom line is: Can I put my money where my mouth is? I claim to believe in and follow Christ.

So, what's it gonna be Meg? In or out?

In my heart, I know all this is right. And I'm in! I'm committed. Gah! It's amazing I sleep at all!

2 comments:

Vedic said...

hey...i randomly stumbled across your blog and just wanted to say that...i think it's mega cool that you're a christian too! :)

Butterscotch said...

You may be surprised at how 'in place' you feel once you are doing what you know God wants you to do.

And don't worry about thinking you aren't smart enough, or experienced enough, or spiritual enough. God tends to use those who are not perfect cause that way He can work through you without your ego getting in the way.

As for the lonely thing. I have no advice. I have often pointed out to Him that I know He is always with me, but it would make things much less lonely if He could actually come hang out with me in human form.

I pray all goes well, and that you find a way to sleep. If you figure out a way to turn your brain off fill me in. I have that same problem.

Smiles,

B.